The infamous umbrella

From Bibliotheca Anonoma



| image = The_Umbrella.jpg | description = | story = | creation_date = September 20, 2017 | discovery_date = | language = English | source_url = | provenance =


The infamous umbrella
The Umbrella.jpg
Language English
Source URL
Creation Date September 20, 2017
Discovery Date Unknown

Anonymous Wed 20 Sep 2017 08:28:42[edit]

>be me
>be 14
>recently started highschool
>make enemies as easily as I make friends
>some midget child takes a particular disliking to me
>turns out he's a Jew
>muh germanic heritage
>never owned an umbrella before
>have always used father's or brother's
>rains torrentially after school, drenching me
>take personal offence to this and proceed to find the cheapest umbrella out there
>still own the umbrella to this day
>half a dollar and isn't too shabby
>has some fake wood handle which looks nice despite its fakeness and it's very compact - one of those flimsy retractable ones
>it deploys by powerful internal spring operation
>buy it
>turn up to school next day
>short Juden is acting like he owns the place
>I happen to be within range
>pulls out his slingshot and by chance hits me in the head with a small steel bb
>he is amused
>be not amused
>later that day in gym class or whatever you want to call it
>sitting on sideline of football match waiting to play when ball flies through the air at mach 0.86 and is going to hit some anon in the face
>the power of the umbrella enhances my reflexes and I catch the ball on the collapsed canopy of the retracted umbrella, decelerating it to a stop and balancing it on the side like a ball on a bat
>silence as people try to figure out what just happened
>anon and I become friends
>he is half Japanese
>go to changing room and the Juden is noisily shit talking
>other Jew tells him to stfu
>Juden dismisses it and decides to start mocking my new friend's eyes
>axis powers intensify
>jump up onto one of the benches with umbrella in hand, challenging Juden to a duel
>makes the mistake of saying I lost the war
>Deutschland, Deutschland über alles
>point umbrella at his face and press the release button
>the umbrella impacts the centre of his melon and he is stunned, stumbling backwards into the concrete wall
>the umbrella is now infamous
>no further confrontation with Juden for a long time
>fat English friend of mine sits on the umbrella inadvertently
>it is destroyed
>there is widespread disappointment at the news of its demise
>return home
>assess the damage and considering how much I enjoy fixing things I accept the challenge
>rule one: can only use parts which come off the umbrella to repair it and one type of glue
>rule two: no special tools - a hammer and pliers only
>rule three: must be repaired of damage by the following day it was incurred
>tricky fix and some features were sacrificed but I arrive at school the next day triumphantly
>next day
>umbrella meme intensifies
>umbrella meme intensifies
>umbrella is found by many students to be amusing
>umbrella is snatched from my grasp and used to beat someone over the head
>umbrella is destroyed in the process
>news of its second demise circulates
>kid who got hit complains to the powers that be
>foreshadow-tron fires up in the background
>school assembly next day
>umbrellas now require a permit to say that they are safely designed and cannot be used as weapons or will be confiscated
>George Orwell coughs loudly in the back row
>I obtain my umbrella permit and it is registered in the school's health and safety database
>fast forward four days
>an unsolicited game of capture the umbrella breaks out and the handle comes off among other things
>obviously has been trodden on
>quickly gather the pieces to conceal the damage as I risk having my umbrella permit voided
>perform crude surgery on the umbrella for which I am starting to become a bit sentimental
>turn up next day with umbrella
>no longer extends properly and a locking pin is needed to secure it in the deployed position but still works
>umbrella has become legendary and students ask if they can hold it
>almost all of the teachers have no idea what is going on and those who do are belivers in the umbrealla's power
>fast forward two days
>umbrella is the victim of a hit and run attack
>four seniors ambush me and take the umbrella
>news gets out and an all out banzai charge takes place with half the junior school hunting down the four seniors that took it
>the operation was a failure
>one week later the umbrella is found in a roadside drain
>next day
>anon students kneels before me and returns the umbrella ceremoniously
>he is rewarded for his diligence and honestly in slushie format
>umbrella is critically damaged and the fabric canopy has almost completely come off but I manage to repair it
>umbrella is now barely functional but still it continues to prove undefeatable and my umbrella permit is still valid
>two minor inversions due to wind take place over the next week and then the approaching summer no longer necessitates the presence of the umbrella
>decide to leave it at home for the duration of the summer for the sake of preservation despite many disciples of the umbrella trying to convince me otherwise
>fast forward four months
>a freak rainstorm sparks fake news of the umbrella's second coming
>the hype dies down after another two months but a buzz slowly builds as the dry season draws to a close
>prophesy the return of the umbrella after the school holidays
>cult grows over the two week break
>copycat umbrellas appear with others attempting to capture some of my umbrella's followers but my umbrella proves to truly unique and they uphold the ways of the one and only true umbrella
>"thou shall have no other umbrellas before me"
>one week into the semester
>my nemesis tries messing with me again as he has grown resentful
>tries to get the school's history club which is basically the Soviet Union club to beat the shit out of me
>they impolitely decline
>tries to get his older brother to beat the shit out of me on the football pitch during lunchtime in broad view of several teaches
>he impolitely accepts
>people notice the scenario and begin watching
>he is the least coordinated person I have ever seen
>swings wildly at me and I don't even need to duck
>everyone is now watching intently
>two female teaches are frantically trying to arrive at the epicentre to break up the fight, one of them almost passing out from the exertion of a light jog
>one male teacher is seen laughing his arse off as soon as the lunatic swings
>swift strike to the side of his head with the umbrella which has slowly become lighter and more agile
>he slips in the mud, surprised at the speed of the umbrella
>about to be suspended for using a weapon despite it being in self defense
>have idea
>pull out tattered umbrella permit and verify that is was deemed safe for the school and did not count as a weapon
>charges dropped and parents were told about the incident but no punishment was issued
>Juden brother claimed he was just playing around and that it was a misunderstanding, thus avoiding his own punishment
>umbrella is now a mainstream meme in schook and is almost confiscated on numerous occasions
>teachers are beginning to realise the power of the umbrella and many seek to harness it
>half Japanese friend now uses the umbrella for shading himself from the sun when I need someone else to carry it
>teachers can do nothing to take it from him as it is used for his health and safety
>fast forward four weeks
>waiting for bus
>a challenger appears
>Juden-child thrusts the umbrella beneath the rear tyres of the bus and there is a sickening crunch
>he quickly gets into his getaway vehicle before chaos ensues, obviously having thoroughly planned the operation beforehand
>there is a great sorrow and mourners are gathering at the carcass like respectful vultures
>Juden-child has triumphed
>fells bad man
>crowd parts to allow clear access
>the damage is catastrophic
>it has become two dimensional
>metal struts all squashed and shards of fake wood handle everywhere
>gather as much of its remains as possible
>umbrella permit has definitely expired now
>get home
>1986 MacGyver theme plays at full volume in my head for seven hours straight
>next day
>enter the school gates solemn
>umbrella is not seen on me and word quickly spreads confirming the worst
>in school assembly
>umbrellas are now banned due to health and safety "incident" and a strict raincoat only policy is enforced with a one day grace period to buy a raincoat
>George Orwell blasts air horn from back row, screenching in newspeak
>must choose the perfect time
>students leaving the assembly hall in a miserable state me leading the parade
>quickly whip out the umbrella which i have been concealing inside my jacket for the past four hours
>raise it up above my head for all to see
>there is a collective scree from hundred teenagers
>many are in disbelief
>it was missing half of its parts with around a third of the supporting arms and could no longer extend forwards at all but it could open, close and keep me somewhat dry and it was good enough for the masses
>there was still hope
>fearing confiscations, the umbrella is not seen again for some time
>parent of a really obese kid writes to the school complaining that no raincoats were large enough for the child
>said child "could no longer wear a tarpaulin in the event of rain as it was too embarrassing"
>gets contacted by the school dean to dispose of the umbrella under their supervision and to get a new one
>umbrellas are unbanned and George Orwell chills out for a second, wiping the froth from his mouth
>decide to forma secret society and inform them on the matter under extreme secrecy
>despite this, the KGB somehow finds out the details
>dispose of the umbrella under the supervision of the dean after school
>heavy handedly place it into the dumpster and the dean closes it up, imagining this is the end of the ordeal
>some legend wearing a ski mask is sitting in the dumpster waiting for it and after around half a minute some rummaging is heard inside
>tfw they must have placed an operative in every single dumpster to ensure they captured the umbrella
>lid flings open with a tremendous crash and the dean whirls around to see a kid in a mask clutching the umbrella, running away and screaming "for the motherland!" trailing the flag of the USSR
>dean becomes the human manifestation of anger
>error 404
>culprit not found
>peace treaty is signed with the commies and the umbrella is gifted to a newly formed secret umbrella society but it's location is only ever known by two people at any given time
>the KGB proves very good at making sure nobody know where it is, as soon I only see it for routine maintenance
>it occasionally makes an appearance during lunchtime which always causes a commotion
>fast forward one year
>KGB has devised special procedures to ensure the protection of the umbrella
>umbrella must be exchanged for a special fifty cent coin every time it changes hands as a gesture of purchase for its original price
>the fifty cent coin is marked and is circulated to the next operative that is chosen to keep the umbrella
>umbrella is black
>umbrella is codenamed "Fifty Cent"
>the teachers are kept highly confused due to our undderground networks of fake news sources which make identifying any suspect a nightmare
>questioned repeatedly on its location but I give them nothing, saying I don't know where it is and that I haven't seen it since it was stolen
>questioned on the secret umbrella society
>imply that the notion of an underground network of students trying to conceal the location of a mangled umbrella because it's a meme and borderline cult is ridiculous while appreciating the irony
>fast forward a few weeks
>umbrella is returned to me for maintenance by one of my assigned KGB contacts
>umbrella is seen in my possession by some CIA pig working for the teachers
>umbrella is confiscated from me after dean shows up and gives me a lecture on discipline and honesty
>there is a purge in the secret society after two double agents are exposed
>KGB makes life difficult for them
>some assignments are "misplaced" and they lose friends
>they move schools
>lone wolf gets into trouble and reports to the KGB that the umbrella has been broken in two and is in the dean's office bin
>KGB anon chick is on office notice runner duty
>KGB anon chick waits for planned diversion
>dean is outside of their office, attending to a "scuffle" between KGB operatives
>umbrella is recovered just before the janitor empties the bin
>KGB anons commended for their impeccable and professional planning
>small offcuts of the fabric canopy were removed during maintenance are awarded to them as patches
>umbrella is returned to me to be repaired
>fast forward two days
>news of the umbrella's confiscation and demise is confirmed smugly by the dean in school assembly
>umbrella reappears in the school cafeteria during lunch break
>last weeks of winter and weather seems to be almost clear
>umbrella has been broken many more times in transit between operatives but I have fixed it each time
>it is in my possession on the eleventh of August
>it would be the darkest day in the history of the school
>light drizzle begins while on the bus home from school
>think nothing of it
>get off the bus
>hail begins
>little marbles hitting my so I pull out the umbrella
>this is the first known time it has been used t shield someone from the weather in months
>still works
>feels good man
>tragedy strikes
>marbles begin to increase in size
>hailstone the size of a tennis ball impacts the top of the metal shaft and the ball of ice shatters along with the entire umbrella
>wrist hurts like fuck
>some of the ice has gone down the back of my jacket
>feels disgruntled man
>then it hits me like the hailstone should have
>that moment when you realise that by sacrificing itself, the umbrella saved your life
>damage is so severe that the umbrella is now unrecognisable as having been an umbrella
>when the only thing that could possible kill the umbrella after surviving years of abuse is the very things it's designed to be able to handle
>the weather
>reports of the final demise of the umbrella are slow to filter into the student consciousness
>confirm that the umbrella had been destroyed in saving me from almost certain death
>teachers all smug
>dean is smug
>the society is in ruins
>someone tries to make a new umbrella by breaking one slightly and doing a real shit job of fixing it
>its not the same and nobody follows
>school morale is at an all time low
>wailing and gnashing of teeth
>eventually school life begins to move on but there is still a void which could only have been filled by the umbrella
>former society memebers and the KGB threaten to leak each other's identities as the treaty collapses into a war of mutually assured detentions
>fast forward a lot to my couple of weeks of high school
>find the mangled remains of what once was the umbrella down the side of my bed
>gets chills
>fast forward one week
>last week of high school
>the scret umbrella society is brought back together and the peace treaty with the commies is reinstated
>worked harder on rebuilding the umbrella than I did on any of my subjects that year
>last day
>worth it
>walk into final assembly very late through double doors at the back of the hall with the umbrella open over my head
>it's stiched together and comprised of apporximately 30% of the materials it was made from and it is only semi-waterproof but it still works
>and it was back
>loudly hum some rap music from early 2000s
>everyone hears and turns around
>looks of disbelief
>look on Juden-manlet's face
>the look on the dean's face
>the look on my face
>the final triumph
>the umbrella is given a name on that last day
>it is the genuine umbrella
>it is an anorexic umbrella
>it is almost a sun umbrella

>it is the real slim shady

>guess who's back
>back again
>shady's back
>tell a friend