The Liliad/Liliad Thread 4
Hi guys it is me again.
Let's wait to let some people pile in.
Yes, it is really me, though you are not required to believe.
I'm just going to catch up on emails and then get going. I assume the other thread died - I hope it was still record breaking? Either way, I love all of you. [Actually is this chapter 4? fuck, whatever]
I broke up with Lily and broke all of your hearts. Yeah, that’s where we were last time. I am sorry for doing that to you, fortunately those who stayed in the previous thread way too long knew it was coming. But don’t worry! That was not the end! Hooray! Now we move on to the next chapter, a better chapter, hopefully one that will leave you with many better feels. Or maybe not, who knows. Things always gotta go down after they go up, including your erections.
An administrative note before we start - this picture rumor has to stop, I’ve never sent a picture nor do I plan to. Those people are crazy bananas liars.
I had started junior year of college before this story becomes of any interest to you again. Lily and I had not spoken in a year and a half, but I still thought of her. Maybe not every day, maybe not every moment, but certainly more than enough to keep her in my heart. But time was passing, I was trying to move on… Ugh. I was in a bad place and I knew that if anyone ever found out about me having sex with underage b&, that would be the end of my life.
So I had to keep it quiet and secret. I had to keep the sadness inside. Some of my friends noticed that I wasn’t so into girls, and after deciding I wasn’t gay enough to be gay they asked me what was up - I told them I had a very serious girlfriend before college that I was still hung up on. This happened second semester sophomore year, and the fact that that was my reply…well that said more than enough for me. I WAS still hung up on her no matter how hard I tried to forget. I mean, fuck, a year and a half? That should have been long enough to forget anyone.
But I couldn’t forget her.
And not just her body beneath mine, her lips on my lips, but everything about Lily. Her voice, so sweet and kind. Her personality, always able to complement my jokes with her own. Her pop culture interests, perhaps slightly molded by me, but able to talk about Solid Snake like a champion (okay, kind of, even I don’t fully get the MGS story).
So, second semester sophomore year I realized I still liked her and couldn’t get over her.
First semester junior year was when I began very, very, very tentative approaches.
Mostly that meant re-adding her AOL name. Strangely she did not use it any more, maybe because she realized we weren’t living in 1994 any more. Just adding that took most my emotional strength and I was kind of glad when her username never went to green. It had been so long…she had to hate me, and she DEFINITELY had a boyfriend. There was no way she wouldn’t. I was probably a footnote, a forgotten mistake in her past.
But I had to try. I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been (a sad hat tip to the many anons reading who have said they wish they could undo that mistake). I had to give it another shot and see.
She was 15 now, turning 16 in a few months. That was pretty old, definitely far closer to acceptable. One of my college friends was dating a senior in high school, so dating a sophomore… No, still pretty fucked up. But closer.
This was all for nothing though, despite me staying up late at night to think about it. I knew she’d just reject me, be the same horrible person to me that I had been to her. And that would be fair.
I wouldn’t have to wonder. That was what was most important.
All the girls around me were nothing like Lily. I couldn’t see anything in them that she had, not the spark, not the —
I went down that same path so many times in my head. I loved her, I did. I did I did I did.
I started to look at why I had broken up with her. The guilt, the shame, the worry that I had ruined her… Getting back in touch with her would at least confirm that last part - had I ruined her life? I hoped not. Thinking about her becoming a slut who… No, that was one path even my imagination couldn’t go down. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. Right?
Oh god. The image was in my head now, though. Maybe I had turned into someone who needed men to give her value? Or some sort of crazed nymphomaniac? (Okay, sex with me wasn’t THAT good, it was my first few times, but I wondered all the same) (sex with me now is awesome, as all you anons know)
Terrifying. All the possibilities were terrifying.
Ironically, it didn’t matter, as I had no way of contacting her. I just had an AOL name and a phone number. Calling the phone was out of the question, the international charge and trying to explain why I was calling would be very difficult.
But a month passed without her signing onto AOL. I decided, only a month later than I should have, that she didn’t use it any more. So I had to go with the phone number. I had to talk to her – while my constant worry and doubt was beginning to fade away I was left with the overwhelming desire to talk to her just one – more – time.
Coming up with an excuse wasn’t the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I was being groomed to take her dad’s job and calling him to check in would be just the condescending thing he’d expect from me. A personal check-in, ensuring all in his life was fine, maybe asking some things about living in the country they lived in. Perfect! He could deal with the international charges, I barely even understood how those things worked anyway.
It was decided. I waited until an evening when my roommate was away fucking his girlfriend (or boyfriend? That guy was faggy as hell), a few hours past my bedtime in order to call them at a decent hour.
I dialed. When the phone started ringing I almost shat myself (for the fiftieth time in this story, I think). I was so close. And what was the plan to even talk to Lily? Fuck I had not thought this through very well.
Sorry for all the swearing, this part of the story makes me nervous. I can practically feel my palms sweating like they did that day – they were like fountains that I am fairly certain her dad could hear over the phone.
Yes, he picked up, and we talked for a little while. I went with the cultural approach, asking him how he dealt with living down there long-term, etc. It was an okay conversation, he likes me enough and was hoping to keep me away from his job long enough to retire, which was fine since I am not Gordon Gekko.
I asked how his family was at an appropriate time – he talked about his oldest, attending university in that country, apparently with an extremely serious boyfriend he liked, but who could barely speak English which made him nervous (lol). Then I pushed slightly further and he gave me a tidbit on Lily –
She was in school and happy. Yup, that’s all I got. I couldn’t think of a not-strange way to get him to say more so I dropped it and the conversation ended shortly thereafter. It was scary, when I asked about her by name he seemed to close off slightly, which I read into for the next week.
Did he know something? Had she said something? Were there suspicions? How could they have lasted over the last 20 months?! Or was I just being insane? I tried to settle on that last option but kept gravitating towards another – that she had said something about me.
That I was a bad guy. Creepy. Rape-y, even. What might she have said in order to get back at me? What would make her dad not like me?
I obsessed. That’s what I’m best at.
After the period of obsession was over I realized I was back at square one. I’d called them and heard basically nothing about Lily, and still had had no contact with her.
I HAD TO TALK TO HER.
That was the banner in my head at all times, what every post on /b/ seemed to be telling me. (maybe I was the faggy roommate, I did browse /b/ right in front of him)
But how? Flying to her country and saying hey was likely the worst idea, but so was calling her house every day in hopes of her picking up the phone. The one conversation with her dad had ended pretty…let’s say firmly, in that I couldn’t come up with an easy reason to call him back immediately if at all.
I settled on pathetic brooding. There was no way to talk to her, I’d cut off ties and trying to reinstate them was too hard. There was no method I could make work. It was…over. It really was.
I guess saying the obsessive period was over is a lie, I just entered a new period of obsession. An easy way to get in touch with her was not presenting itself, so I settled on the hard way. This, of course, meant stalking her online.
moot help me, this is a part of the story no one except me knows, and now you guys, so let's keep it quiet. I googled her and found her profiles, using the same AOL username she'd once had, and browsed them, trying not to look at/get turned on by her pictures for too long. And yes, these profiles still exist if you feel like becoming a pro-level stalker. They weren't too locked down, but were primarily in Spanish, so I fired up Google translate to get some pretty meaningless tidbits from her life.
But it felt like I was close to her.
Confirmed as basement loser faggot, sorry guys.
I tried going back in time to when we broke up, but her profiles were blank back then. Sadly. I guess I wanted to see if she was sad, which was selfish and dumb.
There were never pictures. Until there were.
She was almost 16 now. And my god, /b/. My god.
Correction: Shoulda been more clear there, messed up the timeline, she posted a glut of pictures all at once from a dance.
Lily was so beautiful. Sweet christ on the cross, moot on his bidet, Snacks on his pizza. She was beautiful.
Remember the dress she was wearing way back when? The black one? It was presumably not the same one, but she was wearing another black dress with a wide scooped neck that showed off her collarbone, the hint of cleavage now present where it hadn't been before, though nothing like the mammoth bazooms on her friends (which...I did like, hers I mean, I guess she did turn me full pedo). Her smile was genuine, eyes sparkling, hair done up in an incredibly complicated sort of...braid curled topknot thing. How to describe it? Obviously I can't. I have that picture still, I saved it and have kept it through multiple computers. Hopefully the Dropbox employees reading this won't immediately ID me but if they do oh well this was fun. Her dimples were less pronounced now, cheeks still equally round and full... Teeth perfectly straight and white, I am unsure if it was just the picture or just my obsession or what but they looked even better... Her arms were slim and dainty, ending in a hand holding up the ubiquitous Asian peace sign that her friends were also imitating. She still wasn't very tall, almost the shortest among those in the shot...
It made my heart break a thousand times over. She looked older, sure, though not by ages. It just made me regret not having been there for her in the past year, wondering what she'd experienced, who her friends were now, what she did...
My heart felt like it was going to explode. Just from one picture.
I wonder if she knew I was looking? I wondered what she would think if she knew I was looking? We've all looked at a picture like that. The one girl we are in love with who probably doesn't know it. Looking perfectly content in a scene without us there.
We've all thought about what she was thinking in that moment.
We've all done things we're ashamed of while looking at said picture. Uh, at least some of us have.
Did her friends know she had given her virginity to some old guy when she was 13? Did she, really truly, think I was just some guy who had waltzed into her life, fucked her, and waltzed out?
I could write another thousand words about all the questions I had when I saw the picture. I'll spare you, but realize that you should feel like you may burst into tears at any given moment. You may continue once you are there.
SO I did the logical thing. Registered an account, used my avatar from years previous, and added her. She surely knew it was me. She had to.
"[Lily] accepted your request" popped onto my feed. No, not Facebook, a much faggier south american version.
So I went to her profile. Put on your spanish caps!
OP to Lily: te echo de menes (i miss you)
Her response was in English. "Who is this?" The fact that she used English, in my mind, gave away that she knew exactly who I was. My profile was empty, she was my only friend... Really if she knew internet safety at all she shouldn't have added me but fortunately OP's improbable streak of luck continued that day or likely this story would end with my suicide.
[implying it won't]
I said "it's me", because pretending to be in a romantic comedy is always a good idea and not annoying as shit for the girl.
"OP?" "Yeah"
We moved to a private chat immediately, that little exchange left up on her profile.
My heart was thumping. We were talking again, like we had literally thousands of times on so many other evenings. Me and Lily, communicating through the glow of a computer screen - the second best thing in the world to having her in my room with me.
There may have been a tear welling up but I'd never admit it. And, amazingly, I was not popping nine thousand boners but rather holding onto the largest emotional erection I'd ever had... For once it was not physical at all, it was all mental, all about her, all about feeling love again after so long.
Oh god anon hold on time to cry a little
I wish I could make you feel more of what I felt. Multiply your feels by a thousand. Imagine what it would be like if you were reading part four of this story 20 months after part three. Just imagine. A horrible 20 months, but such a glorious reunion, such an incredible...
Right, the conversation.
"Why are you talking to me again?" She didn't ask why I had stalked her, which I had obviously done. Far more direct than that. "I said it - I miss you." "oh, haha, i didn't understand your spanish ;)"
For the record, I had that log saved for a long time before deleting it in a fit of paranoia, so this is based on best recollection. Wish I could copypasta the entirety but oh well, direct evidence of my affair with underage b& was a scary thing to hold onto.
The joke made me relax a little. Maybe things could be alright? We could just slip right back to where we were? Naive OP is naive, let's all laugh at him.
It wasn't going to be nearly that simple. However having her talking to me, really talking, I would give anything for that feeling again. Incredible. I felt loved, I felt special, I felt vulnerable and strong simultaneously. It was wild. Like the first time we admitted we liked one another but far more intense.
I still loved her. That much was clear.
So, love. What to do with love for someone whose heart you broke? I did not have the excuse of saying it was her choice or mutual or anything like that. I had broke her heart and left her, and now I was back to, for all she knew, do it again.
She brought this point up as soon as the pleasantries were over. I had done it, it was my choice, how dare I come back like this.
I apologized a hundred times. A million times. Words weren't enough to tell her how sorry I was for what I'd done. I told her how horrible I felt, how guilty I was about what we'd done, how I was scared I'd ruined her life. I....I didn't know how to tell her.
"How could you ruin my life? I wanted you, I wanted us."
I did start to cry, I'll admit. Nothing like emotional, crying online chats, right?
"If I hadn't wanted it I would have said so, OP."
Short break to say - this does not mean you should have sex with every loli you see because she is aching for it, but apparently that was the case here.
I had to press a little further. I did so.
"But...the stuff we did. I loved you, but I shouldn't have done that."
"WHY"
Hm.
She had a point. It does take two to do what we did. Get ready to bump your feels to fucking eleven btw.
She launched into probably the most beautiful speech I've ever seen. I am choked up remembering it - this was likely the most emotionally powerful moment of my life. It was...unexpected. Heart-wrenching. I'll try and write as much as I can remember here, my apologies for errors in my recalling.
Lily:
"I loved you too. Did you not know that? I wanted to do everything we did. Everything. OP, do you know how long I loved you? We used to live in the same city, do you remember? I was a little girl and you were you. I remember going to your house while my sister tried to be your friend, I was always so bored, trying to tag along with the two of you. I was 10, OP. That was the first time I liked you. A couple months later I got you to talk to me on the computer, even though I knew it was mean to trick you. I just liked you and wanted you to like me, so I pretended to be my sister."
I interjected something dumb around here, something about this being impossible. Because it was/is.
"Why do you think I talked to you back then? Because I wanted someone to teach me how to use a Gameboy? I kept waiting to get boobs or whatever, to be like my sister, to force you to like me. Then you found out, we moved, everything got ruined."
Let's pause to wipe away the feels, my windshield is all cloudy
"You liked me anyway. When you finally said it, oh my god, it felt like the best day of my life. You really liked me! It felt like I had been waiting my whole life and you finally did."
I had no idea this was coming, maybe you anons are smarter than I was. I was speechless for the first time ever (maybe the second, if you look back on the story).
"And then...and then..."
The stream of words slowed and stopped. She had left out "it", the things we shared... I wondered what that meant. I wondered if I should believe any of it. Of course, I believed every word. Things felt explained, it made a little more sense... And I loved her more than ever in that moment.
"I was scared you didn't really love me."
Maybe minutes of silence passed. I don't know.
"When?" "When you broke up with me. We did IT...it was my first time. And then you were gone."
Suddenly the viewpoint from her end was made clear.
She had loved me. I had loved her back. She had waited years, actual years, and finally worked up the nerve to make a move. I had reciprocated and her world was perfect. We did the things people in love do -- and then suddenly, abruptly, I ended it.
She had been left wondering for almost two years. Wondering why, what she'd done wrong, what I'd found out...
I felt guilty about doing something she had accepted and desired. Fuck the law, fuck morals, fuck the people paying attention... I finally managed to shake off the mantle of guilt.
Lily was all that mattered. The only thing.
We talked for hours that night. I said I was sorry a hundred times. I told her how scared I was about how I felt about her, how I was worried about it being wrong, being disgusting, being something I should be ashamed of. She didn't feel the same way - she only felt like she loved me, laws be damned. She didn't see why they were a big deal. I wish I could have held onto that kind of naivete, or maybe be the girl in the situation so I wouldn't have to worry about my ass in jail.
I kept apologizing. I didn't dare ask her what she thought of me now. I didn't try and repair things back to where they were. I said I missed her so much, I wanted to see her, and I was sorry.
She accepted all of it. She said she hoped to see me sometime. She said we could keep talking.
And thus began the second phase of our friendship. Long distance again, constant talking. For the first month I did not bring up our relationship again, still scared that she'd turn me away, worried that she...didn't like me any more.
I could still love her from afar. Marvel at our conversations, the way her mind worked, her sunny disposition still unchanged despite the shit I put her through.
Of course this could only last for so long before I begged to go back to where we were, because I am but a man.
"Are we...can we go back to the way we were?"
"I waited for you to like me for two years."
"Wat"
"From when I liked you until you kissed me."
"Right."
"Now you get to wait a little."
Cue an angry happy sad smile on my face. Lilllyyyyy!
Like any non-insane person would, I started planning ways to get down to her home. Working at the branch office was an easy setup, it took a single phone call and a position was set up for me for the winter break, which was a bit over a month (retard college). Lily and I kept talking, with me not daring to bring up the relationship thing again for fear of being told the wait period had been increased due to my impatience. How long was I going to have to not tell her I loved her? Or hear her say she loved me? It was confusing and exhilarating at the same time. I don't like when bitches be playin games, but this was a game I could appreciate, as it came from someone I loved.
Weird how such things work, it is a good way to confirm whether your feelings for someone are real, that's for sure.
Finals came around, I flew home, took all my parents' money and flew to south america. Oh that plane ride - I wondered if the same flight attendants as before were serving me, I wondered if they knew my "my heart is broken" face from my "I just got laid" face from my "I may be making a huge mistake but it is worth it" face.
It was a secret from Lily, her father didn't tell her (unless he did and she just kept quiet). I was in a hotel again, not the same one as the Summer of Sex, a bit nicer due to me being a prissy bitch.
I worked, I filled out reports and yelled at staffers and in general was the daddy's boy that every workplace hates. Sorry guys your OP is really not a good guy except when he is (never).
Once I was there we were left with the same bit of difficulty, however. Actually seeing one another. She didn't know and couldn't plan on her end. So obviously I asked to have dinner at their home. Her dad agreed, seemingly with slight irritation, though I may have put that emotion on him since I was and am really, really scared of him. In the taxi on the way to their house I tried to calm myself, keep my hands from shaking, keep my pits from sweating through my shirt, etc. If only /fit/ had helped me prepare maybe I wouldn't have been such a mess who knows.
We arrived and I walked to the front door.
We hadn't seen each other in person since that summer. She was 16, newly turned, and probably had a whole bunch of life experience I knew nothing about despite our talks (which had paused during my break, with me explaining that time off college meant I was working my butt off to try and make those dolla dolla bills, perhaps to fly to a certain country in the summertime. Clever OP!
None of that mattered as the door opened and her mother welcomed me in, giving me a drink (OP can drink alcohol now!) and ushering me to the living room. There Lily sat.
"Hey, Lil."
The look on her face. Priceless.
Obviously any sort of romantic running and throwing arms around one another was out of the question. But I could still drink her in with my eyes while trying to have a normal conversation. Here, let's do it together --
She was wearing a white sweater and jeans. The sweater was tight and had sort of a turtleneck, covering most of her up to the chin. Her breasts were prominent, slightly larger than I remembered them being, larger than her mother's but not Kate Upton-large either. Perfect breasts. Perfect for me, that is. She had more curves than the last time we met, accented by the tight outfit, the sweater scooping in at her sides and then widening where her jean-clad hips seemed to... How to use words to say it? I wanted to put my hands on them and pull her to me, I wanted to feel how different she was, find out what wasn't different... Her face was exactly the same, the same cherubic innocence, the dimples seeming to return, proving the photo I had been analyzing for months had lied to me, eyes wide, mouth in an 'o' when she saw me. No makeup at all, just her, the skin I'd caressed so many times as flawless as ever. I wanted to touch it too, just her cheek, rub my hand against it. The surprised 'o' her lips formed wasn't changing, I ached to kiss it, to whisper in her ear how much I loved her. Her hair was down, a rarity, flowing to her shoulders, pulled back from her forehead but falling forward slightly on the left side, covering her ear. "OP!" she said happily, finally, crossing the room and giving me a swift, friendly hug before returning to her seat.
"You didn't know he was here?" Her mother asked, seeming incredulous. I read into this too far as well, of course.
"I had no idea! It's so good to see you!" Lily asked about my parents, our home, either trying to come across as casual or suddenly interested in the most dull parts of my life.
We sat for dinner and spoke about college, Lily's older sister not present and her parents interested in opportunities for Lily to study abroad which I waxed eloquent on as if I had any idea what I was talking about. She wouldn't be starting college until I had graduated, so I mentioned my own alma mater but didn't push it as what was the point of her going there without me there. Which is as dumb as it sounds.
After eating Lily went to her room and I was left to talk with her father. I wanted to pass out from boredom but kept up talk on the business, his position, etc. Business stuff that none of you care about.
When it was time for me to go I did get a little desperate and asked to say bye to Lily. A stupid request from a 21 year old for a 16 year old but I still asked. Her dad gave me a strange look that seared me to the core. He said he'd say bye for me and we'd likely see one another again before I left. This lifted my spirits very slightly but not much.
She wasn't online when I went back to my hotel. I jacked off like a manic 12-year-old discovering it for the first time and fell asleep, kind of sad, kind of hopeful. (for those trying to sleep, we are winding down, only a couple more bits left to cover, unfortunately my time is also running short so we're not going to get to make it across the amount I had planned...goddammit, I wrote far more about what was meant to be a couple small things than I meant to...but hopefully this filled your 'detail' quota..) "We're not going to meet up." That was one of the first things she told me during our chat after she found out I was in the country. This made me grumpy for the rest of the day, predictably, but I tried to keep it together while speaking with her. I settled for whining -- "why nottttt?"
"I can't, my parents aren't letting me go out as much."
It made sense, they knew they had a hot sixteen-year-old on their hands and I am fairly certain her sister was getting into trouble under their lax parenting when she was sixteen. Better to protect Lily than have her get ruined by some guy -- oh wait.
This disappointed me. I guess I shouldn't have flown down there thinking we'd be fucking in my hotel room within a week, but I did think that. Stupid. In reality we met for that dinner after I'd been there a week and a half, and I managed to get another dinner set up the night before I left. So I worked myself to the bone during my vacation in order to...see Lily twice. It would have made me annoyed, but I just hoped she could see that I cared. This had to prove it. Probably. But I did want to see her more, do more with her. Fuckshitdamnit.
The final dinner was far more subdued. Her parents were mostly silent, Lily and I just talked awkwardly in front of them. It is so hard to not discuss with one another like old friends, with all we knew about each other, we were just trying to hide it for whatever reason.
I went back to college. What a fucking letdown. I felt as bummed out as you do right now - it would be nice for the story for us to secretly fuck in the park where it all started during our glorious reunion, but unfortunately the bounds of reality are constraining my tale-spinning. We had dinner twice. Awesome.
It was worth it I think. I enjoyed seeing her, hearing her voice in person, seeing her in her 'natural environment'. And not having sex assuaged a tiny bit of guilt - I didn't have to worry about her just being a sex doll to me, because despite my disappoint, I still loved her after that trip. If anything I loved her more, wanted her more.
The guilt was gone. I loved this girl, maybe our timing was fucked up but we were in love and she was the only thing that mattered to me. Nothing and no one else mattered.
I was firm in my resolve now. I would do anything to make this work - say whatever I had to, take whatever job I had to. It was for her and it was worth it.
END PART 4(?)
1. I realize that was abrupt. I have a conference call starting in three minutes. 2. I meant to cover a lot more, so now the whole story outline is fucked up.
* THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU ASK FOR DETAILS.
3. Part five will come in the next 24 hour cycle at the same time as this thread was posted (9:00 UTC+8)
* The same picture as OP will be used, of course
4. I can be reached via email at [email protected]
* I try to reply to every email but it gets hard * I do not send pics * I'll be checking it when the conference call ends in ~1 hour
5. Keep this thread alive forever because it makes me feel loved 6. There is no point six
