Alex Jones Greentext

Anon's INFOWARS job interview with Alex Jones

Jun 2017

>Nine months ago
>Out of college with a degree in journalism
>Yeah, I know, a degree in journalism
>Looking for jobs near my home in Austin, TX
>Apply to various small newspapers
>Even The Statesman, the biggest newspaper in the city
>No go
>One day, I get an email from a girl named Mystee who says she works for the Genesis Communications Network and knows I’ve been looking for some sort of reporting/editorial job
>I answer yes, and schedule an interview at the given address for that coming Thursday
>That day, I get in my car and drive to the address
>But it’s not an office
>It’s a barbecue restaurant
>Stiles Switch BBQ, good place
>I freak out, recheck my GPS, the email
>It’s definitely this address
>Befuddled, I go in, tell the guy at the waiting desk I’m here for an interview with someone from GCN
>Oh, thank god you’re here
>What?
>He leads me way, way back towards the opposite wall
>And there
>In a booth
>Is Alex Jones
>I obviously know who Alex is, so I’m sort of freaking out
>He smiles, stands up, gives me a hug
>This dude hasn’t even seen my resume
>”You ready to fight the good fight, bro?”
>I tell him I’m interested in working in Austin’s journalistic community
>I try to stay far, far away from telling him I want to work for him or his BS site
>He orders us both brisket platters
>”You know, I think you’ve got the mug of an info warrior”
>I just sort of nod, sip on my Sprite
>He asks me all sorts of weird shit - if I’ve ever worked for the government, if I’m gay
>Every two-three questions, he fist bumps me
>”Let me tell you something, Jason, I do put one hundred and ten percent into this fight”
>My name’s not Jason
>Finally, our meals get here
>”Thanks sweetie - we’ll take that in a to-go container”
>I ask Alex where we’re going - I’d imagine his main office, right?
>”I know you said you’d give your life for this fight”
>What?
>”So let me show you the true enemy”
>Alex asks if we can store the food in his car
>I tell him sure, but I don’t have any way to keep it from spoiling
>He tells me there are preservatives on ‘the front lines’ to keep them edible
>Okay
>We start walking down the street
>And walking
>And walking
>It’s like 5 PM, we’ve been walking in silence for near an hour and a half
>I could just say fuck it and leave
>But I also really need a job
>My parents have threatened to kick me out if I don’t find one soon
>So, I trek on
>Finally, Alex just stops alongside a major highway
>”And now…we wait”
>So we do
>For another half an hour
>Finally, a large black van pulls alongside the side of the road
>Alex hops in the passenger seat without saying a word to me
>He pokes his head out the window
>Looks at me
>So I hop in too
>The van keeps going for maybe forty minutes into a small-ass town called Niederwald
>Alex keeps muttering to the driver, a young black guy with glasses, about how scared he is for his family
>Niederwald seems to be mostly grass and the occasional house
>Alex peeks behind to look at me
>”Jason, I read that you consider a major skill to be head-on tackling a problem.”
>That sentence seems astoundingly stupid to me, but I just nod and say “Yeah, definitely”
>Finally, we pull into a dirt road and keep going for maybe twenty minutes
>I’m pretty sweaty, tired
>Chilling with Alex Jones in a black van
>Finally, we stop next to an old bridge
>We climb out, Alex and I, and the van just…drives off
>What the fuck
>”Jason, come help me out here”
>He’s standing over a weird metal hatch, like in Lost
>If you’ve ever seen that show
>I help him open it
>It’s pretty heavy, obviously hasn’t been opened in a long time
>”I bet this is the craziest first day of work you’ve ever had”
>First day of work? The fuck?
>Then, Alex hops down into the opening of this hatch
>I decide to follow suit, if only because it’s getting dark
>I figure Alex is too famous to just murder me out here
>The tunnels are dark, so I use my phone as a flashlight
>And I
>Cannot
>Find
>Alex Jones
>I wander around for a long-ass time, and these tunnels just sort of lead into empty metal rooms
>Every once in a while I’ll hear a ‘clang’ and I’ll shout out ‘Alex?’
>Alex never did introduce himself to me by name
>I guess he just assumes everyone knows who he is
>Finally, I come across a room with this weird, fuzzy insolation on the walls
>And standing there is Alex Jones
>Alex, as I’m sure you all know, is totally insane
>Talks about how this place was tunnel system for an inter dimensional vampire society
>Says this room is where they ‘siphoned energy’
>What the fuck?
>He tears down some of this insolation
>Asks me to help him
>So, I do
>Who was that black dude driving the van?
>Finally, we get it all down
>And there, in front of us, is an elevator
>At this point, I’m visibly shaken
>It’s an old-time elevator, the kind where the door is sort of open, it doesn’t completely cover the front
>Alex grabs my shoulder
>”Look Jason, I know you’re scared bro, but you said you wanted to be an info warrior”
>I never said that
>He tells me most of his ‘on site’ employees go down to…wherever this place is
>”You will face your own personal demon, but I need you to think of it as a spiritual experience, Jason”
>Yeah, okay
>”I’ll be with you every step of the way, buddy”
>Oh god, please no
>He steps into the elevator and pulls something
>I get into
>And we descend into pure darkness
>Silence
>Then, a very loud CLANG
>We’ve ‘landed’ so to speak
>Alex and I both use our phones as light, but I’m getting no signal
>And on the walls
>I have never seen so much blood
>I let out a scream
>”Don’t worry, that’s not blood.”
>Oh, okay
>”It’s this weird, semen-like substance the vampires used to create a message to their dark lord”
>Yeah, much better
>Whatever it is, it’s all over the walls in this weird rune language
>Alex tells me they generally act as prayers to the Satanic lords of the inter dimensional vampires
>Okay
>It’s really dark and hard to see
>Finally we get to a door
>”Okay, Jason, this is the one room where they remain”
>The fuck?
>I could run right now, but I don’t know how to work the elevator and I’m not sure I’d make it through those tunnels
>I know Alex is fucking crazy, so who knows what’s really beyond the door
>”It will - I mean this - it WILL take the form of your own personal demon”
>That doesn’t reassure me
>I open this weird metal door
>And I shut it behind me
>Suddenly, I feel a rock hard penis on my ass
>"You ready for this, Jason?"
>My name's not Jason
>As I guessed, it was Alex's cock
>"Are you gay? It's a simple yes or no question."
>I say yes
>IP #5 to enter the thread
>So, I’ll try my best to describe the room to you
>It’s sort of like a classroom
>But no seats, just a big desk in the front
>And a projector
>Some weird, creepy-ass objects on the floor
>A rattle, a teddy bear, some old comic books
>And a journal
>I pick it up
>Star reading it
>Well, shit
>It’s from a young Alex Jones
>Young Alex was apparently ‘taken here’ for a dentist appointment
>Left in this room to ‘watch the reports’ and ‘receive treatment’
>Damn
>I put the journal down
>Look around the room, see nothing
>Then, suddenly, the lights turn on
>And so does the projector
>An older, professor-looking dude appears on the screen
>He starts talking about the ’Doronas Procedures’
>I don’t speak conspiracy theorist - not that it’s much of a conspiracy for me at this point
>It seems as though some mason-like group was ‘chemically tracing’ wealthy Texan families and recruiting kids
>The kids were taught like in school, but also received chemical treatments and ‘psi-op conditioning’ to make them harder to kill or otherwise manipulate
>Jesus
>This video lasts maybe forty-five minutes, detailing the ‘enemies’ that these kids would face when they were older
>Very weird, creepy shit
>Then, when it’s over, the lights shut off
>I run to the door, banging screaming
>I am freaking out
>And, like that, it opens
>The lights are on in the hall now
>And Alex is standing by the elevator now, looking very somber
>”Do you see why I do this now?”
>I guess so.
>What do we do now?
>”Let’s go to the club, Jason.”
>So when we work our way up, the van is back
>We get in, drive to Austin
>Not a word is said
>And then, just like that, we arrive at Plush nightclub
>Alex jokes that he’s glad he’s divorced, so he can go to these places more often
>Me, Alex, and the black dude go in, the music is super loud dance music
>Alex, I suppose, knows the guy at the door, because we all get in no problem
>I go to the bar, get drinks, can’t find Alex
>I find myself drinking quite a lot
>Then, suddenly, a beautiful woman approaches me
>She says Alex wants to talk to me upstairs
>I go inside some office, Alex and the black dude are there
>I don’t know his name, should probably stop calling him black dude
>But anyway, Alex grabs my arm and says
>”Jason, what if I told you this was a globalist haven and ninety percent of those people down there want to eat you alive and then eat your family?”
>I want to tell him he’s crazy
>But I don’t
>Alex tells me to find the most beautiful looking woman down on the dance floor and whisper in her ear the word ‘sensational’
>Okay
>I could have just walked out, but fuck it, I’m intrigued and it’s Alex fucking Jones
>He was on Joe Rogan
>I get on the dance floor, sort of buzzed, and I find a hot looking babe with blonde hair, cute bangs
>We dance for a bit before I whisper in her ear ‘sensational’
>She looks like I just stroked her G-spot
>I head back to the office, and she follows
>I head in, no one is there
>Just me..and her
>Then suddenly she throws over the desk
>And the lamps
>She is trashing this place
>What the fuck?
>”I’m checking this place for bugs. Fucking socialists”
>When she’s done, she grabs me by the shirt and starts making out with me
>Oh, shit
>Then, all of the sudden
>She spits two green balls into my mouth
>No fucking way
>I spit those things back out
>They look like slimy Tennis balls
>She looks like I just killed her babies
>”You do not accept the gifts of the fallen?”
>Uh…what
>She screams at me, almost in gibberish
>The slime balls at my feet are sort of evaporating
>This chick starts crying
>What the fuck?
>She starts clawing at me and shit
>More screaming
>Then, she just slams the door and leaves
>Alex emerges from the closet
>What the fuck?
>He was in the closet?
>Where’d the black guy go?
>”Jason what you said to her was a demonic mating ritual codeword”
>Yeah, makes perfect sense
>”You just killed two globalist arch-demons”
>I’m more amused than scared at this point
>”Which means, in about thirty seconds, this club is going down - HARD.”
>So, we speed - SPEED - down the street, away from this nightclub
>I’m still buzzed from my drinks
>Having a good time, even though I’m all tied up in this shit now
>Maybe working with Alex wouldn’t be so bad
>”So, uh, Jason, you ever heard of this idea of controlled opposition?”
>No, what is it?
>Alex starts chuckling
>He explains that sometimes you have to control your enemy to make them more understandable or something
>I wonder if Alex had anything to drink at the club
>He cranks up the volume on the radio as soon as ‘All Along the Watchtower’ starts playing
>The Hendrix version, that is
>We stop suddenly.
>And there, outside
>Is my grandmother's house
>Naturally, I am fucking upset
>Has Alex been stalking me?
>Or..or…my grandma?
>”Mike, look, I need you to relax a sec, buddy because Granny Goodness in there is not who you think she is.”
>What the fuck does that mean?
>My name’s not Mike, either
>Alex pulls out a laptop from under his seat
>Shows me a long list of files
>One is called ‘SupremeC1068.ifw’
>Jesus…
>He opens it and it’s like the Matrix
>All these letters and numbers and shit
>”Mike, this is not a joke. You’ve been the victim of heavy conditioning. Do you know who Madeline Albright is?”
>No
>”Look her up.”
>I google her name.
>She was…secretary of state under Clinton, I guess?
>I’m not a big politics guy
>And then, I hit the wikipedia page
>And on that screen is my grandmother
>Holy fucking shit
>Look, Alex, this looks just like her but -
>”No, Jason, it IS her, do you understand me?”
>Alex is getting heated
>Jesus….
>How…how is that even possible?
>Alex tells me the globalists can suck souls and live forever
>This does really…really look like my grandma
>Alex tells me that Madeline, or well, Grandma, is going to use an upcoming election to get some ‘very, very’ bad people elected
>And this…somehow…will lead to an inter dimensional invasion that Alex was bred to destroy
>I think he might be high
>But this really, really, really looks like my grandma
>Okay, so…what do we do?
>”It’s simple, Ramsey…you ever seem Ghostbusters?”
>Alex pulls out a backpack
>His seat must have some TARDIS shit going on
>No, I’m not a Doctor Who fan, I just know what the TARDIS is
>But not Madeline Albright, so that shows you where my priorities are
>Anyway, Alex takes these pills/vitamin drops and shit and just fucking inhales them
>He’s taking so much of this shit, it can’t be healthy
>Then, he pulls out what looks like a smoke detector
>This is his plan:
>This device can detect ‘super souls’ and will switch their frequency so that they lower themselves to another dimension
>So why not use them at the people in the club?
>Alex won’t say
>So I’m supposed to go to my grandma’s house
>Who may or may not be Madeline Albright
>And use this on her
>Well…fuck it
>I tell Alex I’ll do it, if he can guarantee my a job and decent pay
>”Franklin, you know I will”
>He hugs me
>We hug for like…two minutes
>Then, I exit the van
>Walk across the street
>Ring the doorbell (it’s like 1 AM)
>And the door swings open
>Oh, Anon…you’re here so late!
>Yeah, uh sorry grandma, I just…I was drinking and needed a place to stay
>Shitty excuse, but better than the truth
>Well, come on in
>She sniffs
>Do you smell…anything, anon?
>Nope.
>Well…maybe it’s just my old nose
>She does this cute grandma laugh
>If Alex was fucking with me or some shit I will be pissed
>We sit at her coffee table
>She’s obviously very tired
>Suddenly, she looks at the device in my hand
>Oh…Anon…what is that
>I uh…
>Discreetly, I press the button on this thing
>Nothing happens
>Then…
>Shit happens
>Suddenly, my grandma’s face starts like…dropping…?
>Like she’s having a stroke
>Oh shit!
>What the fuck have I done?
>Then, I swear to god, my grandma - or well, Albright
>Her head starts like screaming
>She screams my name in this demonic-ass voice
>ANON!
>WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!
>She stars like…exploding
>First her arm
>Then her leg
>Shit, shit, shit
>The ground - starts shaking!
>What the fuck?
>In this demonic voice, I hear
>”You who must be bequeathed shall not become thine sanctimony!”
>I run the fuck out of there as my grandma starts to explode and her house begins to fall apart
>I fucking dash out of there like a cheetah
>Oh shit, oh shit!
>I make it outside
>I leap out of the yard
>And turn around just long enough to see my ‘grandma’s’ house envelop into a portal of pure light
>There’s nothing there now
>It’s like the house was never there at all
>The device is gone too - I must have dropped it
>Sweet jesus, I am scared
>But…I guess it’s all over now
>I run to the opposite side of the road
>But the van’s gone
>In it’s place are two white containers and a duffle bag
>In the bag are rolls of money
>Wow
>I mean - really I could be set for life with this much
>Provided I lived simply
>The container next to it looks familiar
>I open it
>My brisket dinner, still piping hot
>Then, I notice one last thing
>A sticky note
>On the container
>I pick it up and read it
>”Thanks a lot, Anon. For everything.”
THE END