The Uncultured Anonymous/Stealing

From Bibliotheca Anonoma
  1. Wait until all cashiers are busy.
  2. Sneak by and open a box of trash bags.
  3. Take trash bag, fill it up with merchandise.
  4. Run for it.
  5. ???
  6. Profit!

Tips on not getting the fuck caught[edit]

The easiest and best way to not get caught, is to make yourself believe you aren't stealing. Just like lying to someone, throw away any taboos you currently have with stealing. Since you're Anonymous, you shouldn't really have any taboos to worry about, but since you're reading this wiki you're better off starting small.

When I say small, I mean **really fucking small**.

Try going to your local supermarket. Begin by asking yourself these questions.

1. Does this store have scanners?

If no, then continue on to question 2.

If yes, then fuck this store and go somewhere else. There's ways to get around scanners (Which will be later added when I'm not so fucking tired) and such, but since this is the beginning, and you'll be shitting your pants so hard the second you fuck up, you're better off just going somewhere else.

2. Are you 100% sure?

If yes, then continue on.

If no, then it's time to do some homework. Try a store that you have a friend or relative working at. Don't be obvious and go "I'M GONNA GO ROB YOUR STORE, ANY TIPS? HURR HURR HURR..." since this will 90% likely cause a giant shitstorm from them (It also means they'll have shit to blackmail you for later on) Try to quietly edge your way into a conversation about it. If you find out for a fact that it's 100% true, then continue on.

3. Do I have an escape route, with another back up route?

If yes, continue on to the next question.

If no, then move the fuck on to a store where you do. I've gotten caught only once stealing, and it's because I couldn't buck fucking ass out of the store. I did manage to bullshit my way out, though, but that's on another topic.

Real guide to steal[edit]

I'll begin with the common phrase: This shit is illegal, is immoral and will get you to jail if you get caught, don't fucking blame me if you fail


If you can't even complete this simple steps, forget about stealing and go get a fucking job.

  1. Small joke steals: Is your friend distracted? Hide his keys, take
   his telephone, etc. But remember to ALWAYS give back what you steal.
   It is especially useful if you give them back before they even
   notice it is missing. If they suspect you, hand it over immediately.
  1. Moar joke steals: Try to sneak behind your friends and take
   something, then stand behind them holding it in a visible way so
   they notice it's a fucking prank. Try not to look like you were
   actually going to steal it.
  1. Go for something moar real: Again, you'll have to make use of your
   friends (if you have any), try to take something important (not too
   important or indispensable), and give it back the next day (PROTIP:
   Do it with difrerent friends, and try different stuff, you don't
   want to get yourself the reputation of "thief", at least not yet).
  1. Your first crime: I won't say the obvious (scan the area, keep
   yourself calm, etc.) but I'd rather focus on how to steal than doing
   it safely.
  • Since it's your first time, try for a store that has many of
   something on exibition and at within easy hand grabbing distance.
   You are DEFINITELY going to get spotted if you have to reach up,
   bend over or lean over to steal it.
  • Act natural. If there are too many people, instead of wander around
   like an idiot. Try to look unsure, like you are trying to decide
   what to buy, and focus your sight on some random item for a long
   time. If you are asked about what are you searching, just say that
   you are still haven't decided, then ask about several stuff that
   works the same purpose (like diferent pen styles).
  • Distract their attention, ask for that item that's far, wait for the
   right moment (when they are about to grab something is ideal since
   when walking they can turn around at any moment without warning),
   and move your hand as fast as you can and SNATCH that item.
  • You have to do it FAST, but have to do it carefully. You need to
   hide what you stole so that it won't stand out when you're walking
   away. A backpack it's a bad place to hide, since it's out of your
   sight and it's hard to reach. Try for an open bag or your pockets,
   you probably won't be here long. Better yet is a shopping bag, but
   NOT FROM THE FUCKING STORE. Why the fuck would you be browsing if
   you already made your purchases? Works better if you're female, but
   for guys it can work too.
  • After you have taken something, don't just run away, ask about the
   price of some of the shit you pretended to be interested in, and
   find some lame excuse for not buying it, then walk away. Try not to
   look too conspicuous or shifty.
  • Since you know perfectly that what you're doing is wrong and that it
   might get you a lot of fucking trouble, adrenaline will be running
   through your veins. You'll feel nervious, your hands will shake and
   your voice will come out unnaturally, try to speak slow, not to move
   to much and to breath slow. This will not help you calm down (except
   maybe breathing), but it will prevent you from doing suspicious
   stuff. Maintain eye contact if someone talks to you.
  • When you're out of sight, run like hell, turn on the first square
   you have the chance to and turn again in the next square (this will
   make it harder to follow you).

From buglar to criminal[edit]

  1. Repeat the proccess: Do it again in another store, and another, and
   another one. Eventually you will accumulate experience and
   knowledge, which are so important that evolution itself is based on
   it. Just remember to never be overconfident. This leads to you
   making idiotic mistakes and fucking up the job.
  1. Last notes: When you take something from someone else, someone is
   gonna cry over it. Remember that someone worked hard (maybe), to be
   able to make some money, and that you are affecting this hard
   workers daily life just because you feel like it. Stealing morals
   don't exist, unless you have accomplices, with which you have to set
   rules and partnership levels (up to what point will the group return
   for the fallen member and when will they just leave him behind?).
   It's important to state that unless it is a special situation (your
   "friends" are faggots that pushed you so you would fall and buy them
   time), if you fail, you fail alone, don't tell a shit about your
   comrades. If they were thinking about taking you out of jail, they
   will most likely rethink this if they find out that you sold them