The Uncultured Anonymous/Masturbation

From Bibliotheca Anonoma

Why masturbate?[edit]

You might have asked yourself this once and the answer is quite simple; because you can. Masturbating is your way to do many things, like relieving stress, finding sexual satisfaction, clearing your mind, and as a useful stop to premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation is basically cumming before you want. If you PE, than so what? It happens to everyone, including those who tell you stories like, "Oh yeah man, like an hour, just nothin' but raw fuckin' man!". Its not that its not true, but most likely he's stretching it beyond limits, like how he came about twice before he even got to the "raw fuckin'". Masturbating before sex, like about an hour before, relieves stress, and will help you last longer because you've just blown a load! The only catch, you need to do just that, BLOW A LOAD, like it flops out on your lap, so about half an hour of porn, and stop yourself from cumming about 3 times, and you blow like a volcano. Quickies won't help, you've got to get that Baby Juice out of your head, and focus on the date ahead, so just the fuck.

The Guide to Grand Ejaculation[edit]

It seems that you need some assistance! I consider it my duty to help you on the road to grand ejaculation. 1. DRINK WATER. Two tall glasses of clear, cold tap water. At least TWO hours before any action. 2. This is a differential one. (A) If you are fapping, fap for an hour, rest a minute and drink another glass of water. Then fap for another hour. (B) Although unlikely, you might find yourself in a sexual situation with another human being. The key here is FOREPLAY. Get her excited, and let yourself get excited, but take it slowly and smoothly for maximum pressure when the time comes. 3. Dietary stuff. Celery is VERY good, but that much celery all at once can mess up your stomach. Drink a glass of milk before binging, but start slowly with your new diet. Easy does it. Pineapple is also pretty neat. The key to volume is not only fluids, but also minerals. Zinc is the solution! Zinc is pretty prominent in things mentioned above (probably. I am not a dietist, I am a pedoatrician.) and guess what is chock-full of Zinc? Spinach. If you feel that this is not enough, take about 40 mg zinc a day, in pill form. Upper limit is 50, but consider the fact that you're shoving yourself full of celery and spinach as well. 4. Physical exercise. Although you might hate it, being fit is good for the WHOLE body. Start doing Kegels. Consult the wikipedia entry for more information. Remember to do all this in MODERATION.

How to masturbate[edit]


I'm going to guess that you already know, because for men its not rocket science. You beat your meat and you cum, simple as that. But just in case you need to know, you sad fuck, here's how:

  1. Whip your dick out!
  2. Get it hard with some sort of stimulate, be it porn or your imagination!
  3. Wrap your hand around that shaft, and pump up and down! (fap fap fap)
  4. ????
  5. PROFIT!!!


lol there are no girlz on the interbuttz

But for those girls out there, try this.

  1. Get lube
  2. Use dildo/fingers (shlick shlick)
  3. ????
  4. PROFIT!

Masturbation for girls is a bit more tricky, and it can be frustrating for girls new to it who don't realize that they're doing it wrong and screwing over their chances to orgasm. If you can't orgasm on your own, try this.

  1. Get in bathtub.
  2. Run warm water.
  3. Angle so clit is under faucet.
  4. ????
  5. PROFIT!