The Uncultured Anonymous/Fighting

From Bibliotheca Anonoma

The rules of fighting[edit]

Sucker punches are for pussies Anonymous. Most Anon are too scrawny to win any other way. There are no prizes for sportsmanship, just not getting the shit kicked out of you awards. Standing on top of your opponent, throwing your arms up into the air Platoon-style as you let out a triumphant roar is fucking badass. Fights are typically to be avoided when possible (i.e. when you feel like it) There are no rules of fighting. Not even the previous three. With that said, here's the basics of how to avoid getting your shit ruined.


Before you start opening massive amounts whoop-ass on people, you're going to need to know a few things before hand.

Most people clench their fists incorrectly. Anyone who's ever taken boxing will be able to spot this a mile away. The most common mistake is clenching by putting your thumb into your palm first and then the other four fingers over it. THIS IS THE WRONG WAY TO DO IT. If you punch someone with your fist like this chances are you're going to hurt, and even break your thumb. It's also a bad idea because it deprives you of the ready use of your thumb, which is very often useful when gouging eyes.

The right way to clench as fist is as follows: Put the fingers into your palm first, and lock the thumb over them. This means that your thumb can now no longer be broken if you strike something such as Jimmy Badguys face.

Your face isn't very sturdy, but the top of your forehead is. Don't be afraid to pull a Zidane but keep it in reserve. It tends to leave you a little disoriented if you don't do it right.

On the subject of face punching, don't forget the American classic: the jaw punch. This is actually quite effective as breaking someones jaw isn't as hard as it sounds. The best way to accomplish this is by hitting the side of the jaw at an angle or full on. If you hit it full on, there's a good chance you'll break both the left and right attachments but it's going to take some effort. If you hit it sideways you'll probably only nick one. One side is usually enough, since the jaw is connected to your skull under your ear, in which your balance is controlled. This is why people fall down when they get a bad hit to the jaw. Another good plan is to hit the upper lip. This hurts like hell.

Remember to keep a good stance. Without a proper stance you can get blown over easy. A wide stance is good. To destabilize your opponent, kick in their kneecaps. It's super effective, and leaves them open for a critical hit.

Finally, hitting with your hands is a waste of time. If you're going to hit someone, or kick them for that matter, put your body behind the blow. Cocking your hand back is in most cases, a waste of time, when you can just as easily generate momentum by twisting your upper body with the blow. Punches should originate from around the waistline.

Your arsenal[edit]

One of the most important rules of fighting is knowing what your arsenal is, and what it realistically consists of. Generally speaking, it is divided into 3 categories: Short Range, Medium Range, and Long Range.

Your Short Range weapons (within arms length) consist of pretty much anything except kicks and most punches. This includes; Headbutts, elbow strikes, knee strikes, choking, grappling, etc. The only punches that is really employable in this situation is the wide hook (or the Hockey punch), however this strike is usually somewhat ineffective so try to avoid it - and the Uppercut, which is very effective if you get the space to do it (Chin + Uppercut= KO).

Your Medium Range weapons (at or slightly outside arms length) consist of most punches and short kicks. So basically any kind of punch (Jabs, Crosses, Hooks, Overhands, etc.) and some kicks (Front Kicks, Thigh Kicks, etc.).

Your Long Range weapons (outside arms length) consist of only Kicks like the Hook Kicks, Roundhouses, Thigh Kicks, awps, Front Kicks, etc. This is generally the most difficult group to employ due to the (generally speaking) need for extensive training to refine and perfect them.

Before you fight you need to decided what you can realistically use from each category. That is - not everyone can effectively deliver a Back Hook Kick or even a Roundhouse, so don't even think about attempting them because it will only work against you.

Psychology of a fight[edit]

One of the most effective tools of any fighter is their mind. Your mind will allow you to not only outsmart your opponent, it also allows you to intimidate your opponent, psyche them out, and alike. Using your intelligence you can win (or even avoid) a fight before it even begins. For example, if your about to fight someone who seems to be very relaxed - this often indicates that they know what they are doing (i.e. They will kick you shitless) - their obviously relaxation will probably intimidate you, psyching you out before the fight.

This can work in your favor also, just always remember that no matter who you are - you will be very nervous before a fight (even Professional fighters experience this), but if you put on a facade of calm and relaxation - your opponent can be psyched into thinking you know what your doing (regardless of what training you may have ever received). If you do take a martial arts class, make it known to everyone around you - installing fear and caution into the mind of your opponent (zOMG!!11 Karate), however try not to lie here because you'll look like an idiot if you do get your ass handed to you.

Also, know as much as possible about your opponent. So find out if they have ever trained in any martial art, previous fights they have been involved in, as well as using your personal judgment (as to their combat abilities). So if your opponent is an experienced striker, take him to the ground where his advantage isn't as great. Always try to keep yourself in the best possible situation for yourself.

Another important feature within the mind of a fighter is not to overestimate your own abilities. So while you may think you're some kind of super awesome fighter, try to keep your concept of your abilities realistic, so even if you have been taking Karate lessons for the past couple of years doesn't make you a good fighter (see McDojo). Avoid fights you know you will lose at all costs, especially when facing a situation against multiple opponents (or potential opponents).

Fist fights[edit]

Fist fights-- typically the most common fights that you walk, or crawl, away from-- can break out for any reason even when both parties involved are without a trustworthy weapon. As a result, you or your opponent may be what the D&D nerds call "flat-footed." Basically, when it starts one of you probably won't be ready to take the punch and is more likely to get knocked out in one hit. But don't always count on that.

In the event that you're gonna do the Dragon Ball Z standoff routine beforehand, the very first thing you must do is adopt a combat stance. Stand with one foot forward and the other back at about shoulder width (that is that your feet should vertically align with you shoulders), your feet should never be either directly in front or to the sides of each other (at any point, even when moving). A general rule is that your dominant side should be at the back (so if your right handed, stand with your left foot forward), this allows you to maximize the power of your most effective side. Turn your body to the side so that your shoulders are angled at about the same angle as your feet, this helps you to keep balance (and more importantly protects your junk). You should bend both legs slightly, tuck your chin in (pull it closer to your chest) and put your arms at about (your own) head height.

When the actual fight begins, forget every piece of advice and all of the rules you were ever told about fighting. None of that Kung-Fu shit usually works when you're in a close-quarters brawl, and chances are your opponent will block it. Also, never EVER open with a kick to the head. It's the obvious martial arts drop-out maneuver and you'll end up on your ass, clutching your testicles in agony, because all the other guy had to do was step aside and stick his arm out. If you must kick, kick him in the knee or thigh and completely fuck his ability to walk. If your opponent tries to roundhouse kick or use any other crazy ninja shit on you, grab the leg and then pull out the one still on the ground. If you do that, fight = over.

A good idea might be to use your lower arm to "push" the opponent, there's a good possibility he'll use both hands to try and grab or block your arm. This leaves him with no free arms and you with one free arm to get some free punches in with. If he ends up on the ground for whatever reason, act fast, lay down and put your weight on his shoulder blade and bend his arm toward you, this will hurt and if you do it fast and hard enough may dislocate his shoulder, leaving him with an arm less to fight you with. Otherwise, fights are usually decided after a few hits, this is real life not animes and the average guy won't be able to stand up straight after a punch or knee to the solar plexus or sides. If the opponent is larger than you, don't be careless and rush in wheeling your arms, rather try to sidestep and dodge as much as you can to wear him out and get him on the rebound, keep just outside of an arm's length of him and he has to lunge to get to you, which takes longer to recover from. All the shit on Rocky and in animes about keeping your feet busy is true, keep walking from side to side or just in general move your feet, not only does it make it harder for him to read what you're about to do but it keeps your groin from staying in the same place for long and he won't be as eager to go for a groin kick.

Stomach punches and other soft-tissue strikes are preferable to chest or face punches. They'll hurt more and cause more pain. If you can manage it, hitting someone in the throat is a good way to wind them, but this can cause serious injury, which may be unacceptable in some circumstances. Hitting the solar plexus can cause whoever you are fighting to lose their breath and stop them up.

In cases where hitting the throat is unacceptable, hitting the diaphragm is the next best thing. Quite simply put, the diaphragm controls the contraction and expansion of your lungs. It is located just below your ribcage. A solid hit here will most likely win you the fight because not only is it a devastating psychological blow when you're gasping for air, but also because it can take quite some time to recover from.


Most fights come down to this sooner or later. Someone grabs someone else and both parties go tumbling to the ground in a flailing, screaming mess. First things first - when grappling, the world is your weapon. Any hard surface can be used to hurt your opponent very badly. If you want proof, go bang your elbow into a wall.

Something important when grappling is to be on top. If you can, straddle him as far up on his torso as possible. However gay it might sound, being able to slam the other guy's head into the ground over and over again or pinning one or both of his arms under your knee(s) is a big advantage.

Pain is also a weapon. It may sound insanely obvious to you, but when you hurt the other guy, chances are high that he will not be trained enough to ignore it. Hurt your opponent by twisting fingers, thumbs, ears, eyes, and noses. If you can actually get a fistful of his hair, by all means, pull chunks of it out, or better yet, smash him into something hard (preferably the edge of a wall).

An advantage of grappling is the 90% of martial arts techniques are completely useless in a grapple, especially things like Tae Kwon Do or Karate, which mainly teach strikes. Be very careful against people whom you know practice Judo, Jiujutsu and other grappling techniques, because they will eat you alive. No shit.

One key point in judo is using leverage and the opponents weight as well as his bad balance against him to get him to the ground and then strangle him or whatever, anyone who goes to judo will remember this as pulling the opponent towards you before a throw and such so you're not trying to lift a rock over your back but a rock that is moving slightly and is off-balance. There are some easy ways to get your opponent down, and preferably out, if you know how to fall straight backwards without hurting yourself (basically KNOW HOW TO FALL AND NOT FUCK YOURSELF UP) then you can simply grab the guy around the neck or around/in front of the chest, position yourself next to him and forcibly fall backwards and pull him down with you. This will mean he's got to support you while you're trying to pull him down and himself at the same time, meaning he will most likely fall straight backwards, and if he doesn't have any prior experience with falling techniques he will hit the back of his head on the ground and end up with a concussion or at least be pretty groggy for a while, but do not do this if you're not confident in your ability to ignore scraped elbows from the fall and most importantly, if you don't know how to fall correctly. There are of course the usual neck swings and such, but they're simple shit so I won't go into them, and other stuff is complicated.

When you're both on the ground the next course of action is tricky, and it depends on your opponents position. If he is on his back I'd suggest laying down (or jumping onto) his chest and quickly wrapping your arm around his neck, with your other arm holding the first arm in position if he struggles. Try to put as much of your own weight as possible on his chest, this combined with strangling (if you got the neck hold right) is guaranteed to either knock him out in a while or have him gasping for breath if he manages to get out of the hold. If he's on his stomach there are way too many cheap ways to hurt him for me to count, just bash his face into the ground or sit on his back and pull his leg back.


Two things about using weapons in a fight.

First off - it escalates the danger. Weapons are force multipliers, meaning that you can hurt someone much worse with a weapon than with your bare hands (even a rattan stick or bamboo stick can severely fuck up an unarmed opponent, unless said opponent is really good).

More importantly, using a weapon will probably upgrade the legal penalties against you by a large factor. I don't live in the US, so I don't know how much worse assault with a weapon is dealt with compared to assault without a weapon, but my guess is that it's worse.

With these two principles in mind, here are 2 conclusions.

  • Avoid using weapons unless you have to.
  • Make sure the other guy is not armed.
  • If the other guy is armed, hopefully you're armed as well. If not, I suggest running. Seriously. Unless you're trained in disarms, in which case you'll know enough to handle yourself that this entire article is useless to you.

Anyway, let's assume you're armed, with, I don't know, a stick or something. Hopefully, you have something like a pool cue or a broken-down pool cue. This is the most fundamental form of weapon, a lever, with which you will do one of two things:

1: Hurt your opponent. 1a: Disarm your opponent.

Hurting your opponent should be obvious enough that I need not elaborate on it, but disarming is slightly trickier. Simply put, the fastest and most efficient disarming technique is to hit the other guy on the fingers of his weapon hand as hard as possible. This both hurts him and has a high chance of making him drop his weapon, and you then have a sizable advantage over him.

Chairs are also a fun sort of improvised weapon. Chairs have 4 legs, and if you hold the sides properly and twist them around, you can poke, tangle or simply smash it over his head (not recommended, because chairs are pretty good shields too). You can pin someone to a wall with a chair, and then you can smash his trapped head in, grind the side of your shoe down his calf, or basically take a breather and call for help.

You can even turn a non-rigid object into a decent weapon. A drink in his face might buy you time to back off and regroup. A jacket can become a rope or arm protector (not a very good weapon). One nasty trick I read about in Night Watch was crushing a guy's hand into a handful of broken glass. Metal wristwatches make very good impromptu knuckledusters.

Speaking of glass, there is a very specific way to break a bottle so that it A) becomes an effective cutting tool and B) does not fuck your hand up. Honestly, this takes some practice to get right. If you are in a bar or at a party or whatever, find yourself a full bottle. Take off the cap, and hold it by the neck at arms length with your bad hand. Do not spill. Hit the open end as hard as you can (without hurting yourself) with the fleshy part of your palm. If done right, the bottom of the bottom will blow out. This'll create a beautiful stabbing weapon and will probably be good for slashing too. Don't try this in the middle of the fight. Do it before a fight. But be careful, don't do it unless you are positive a fight is going to happen. You might be encouraging a fight by doing this. Always remember, don't do it if your not sure it won't fuck up your hand.

If you are in a dangerous situation, or have a legitimate reason to be concerned about attack, a very efficient weapon that you can carry around without fear of being arrested for carrying said weapon, is a folding knife. Not a switch blade, but a snap-lock folding knife, the type you might use to cut boxes open or cut knots. Every do-it-yourselfer has one of these, and if the blade is less than eight centimeter's, it's pretty much legal anywhere. At fist glance, it seems like an incredibly poor choice for a weapon; firearms have range, better hand-weapons have better range. However, allow me to state the humble folding knives advantages:

Concealable/legality: Supposing you are stopped for some bizarre reason, merely mention that you were unpacking boxes, cutting knots, or doing some sort of work that required cutting if you live in the city; a UPS or similar job is good cover. In the country, this is even less than a concern, given that backpackers and hikers, even ordinary citizens could conceivably carry such a knife. Ease of use: Most idiots who try to fight with weapons DO NOT KNOW HOW TO USE THEM. Let me repeat this: Your opponent is NOT likely to know martial arts, hand-to-hand combat, or even how to fire a gun correctly... Out of all weapons, a knife is simple and effective. If you keep your new friend sharp, she'll serve you well in a variety of situations. Wound potential/lethality: It might seem that such a small weapon wouldn't be very lethal, but, at close range, the human body is like one big vulnerable point. Enough sharp stings to the wrist, and it becomes hard for anyone other than iron man to use his hands. A couple to the leg or hips, and you will put a man down. One or two into the neck, and you have stopped a man from speaking. Anyone trying to use a larger weapon in close quarters combat will have to aim well to hit anything other than a broad section of the body, but you can target to wound, or to kill. This last one = NOT RECOMMENDED. For obvious reasons.


  • Lexan knuckles are legal in the US.
  • Steel-toe shoes are very effective and also overlooked.
  • You can pass through metal detector stations with both of the above.
  • If you get a folding knife, spend a little money. If you can force the blade into folding position without depressing the lock you will lose a finger if you stab someone and hit bone.