The Uncultured Anonymous/Breaking and Entering
Welcome to Chapter 7, of The Uncultured Anonymous: Making Money. In this article we will work on how to get into houses, quick escape routes, What to loot, and HOW to loot. As most of the stuff in this book, everything in this is pretty much ILLEGAL. You can get charged a lot of fucking money for doing this.
How to avoid getting caught by the popo
Alright, here is where you do some smart shit, SO YOU WON'T GO GET SURPRISE BUTTSEKKS IN JAIL. First, wash your hair. THATS RIGHT, WASH YOUR FUCKING HAIR. This will remove most of your lose hair so the popo won't find your DNA. Second, wear a hat to keep all your hair where it should be. NOT ON YOUR VICTIMS FLOOR. Third, don't forget to wear gloves. Gloves are gods gift to man. Wear these so you won't have to explain to the popo why your hands were all over Mr. Fuckshits pornos. Fourth, don't wear baggy clothing. It may rip and leave parts behind. Fifth is optional kids. This is if your doing a major job. Millionaries house, Museum, etc. Put a hairnet on your shoes. What this does is keep all mud/random shit off the floor to identify where you came from. It also helps hides the size and marks of the treads on the bottom of your sole. Sixth is the most important. DON'T LOOK LIKE A FUCKING BURGULAR YOU IDIOT. Dress according to the neighborhood. If your in a rich one, dress nice. If your in the fucking ghetto, look like every other ghetto gangbanger then. Fit in.
To break in is pretty easy. But first you gotta make sure of a few things. Such as, if its night time. If there are no witnesses. If the cops aren't roaming the streets. The best times to break in:
- The person/family leaves town.
- Everybody is asleep
- The persons intruder alarm isn't functioning.
- When somebody buys something FUCKING EXPENSIVE.
- Somebody leaves an expensive item on the table.
- The person is a stoner, and you know where the drugs they keep are.
- Somebody who would never think of you as the person who did it.
When at least 2 of the options above are fulfilled continue to break in.
Things to observe before you break in:
- If they hide the key outside.
- If a window is open.
- If a door of any kind is open.
If any of those are true forget anything I am saying in this paragraph. Because its so much easier to crawl through a window, open a door, find a key. And it causes less trouble. What you will need is any kind of fork. You should take the fork and bend the 3 spikes pointing up, and bend them down. Its very hard, but its worth it if you want to do this. Do that and leave 1 still standing. Go to the house. And find the door, Put the fork in the key hole, and turn it to the right. If you do this, it BREAKS the locking on it, Allowing you to go in.
Congratulations. Your finally in the house. What we are going to be working on is finding what to steal, and how to steal it.
How to loot
You should always bring a garbage bag, so you can throw things in it, and run like hell. Just go to table, See a DVD you like? Throw it in. See a game you like? Throw it in. See a pen you like? THROW IT IN. After you have everything you need, tie it up, and carry it and run like hell to your house.
What to loot
Examples of things to loot:
- Video Game systems
- Babies. (lol)
- Anything rich
- Food. (if your this desperate to just go stealing then god damn you
need some food. Eat a fucking bread slice you god damn poor bastard)
So your done looting. If all goes well and you haven't got caught, we need to escape. Don't go through the front. Try and find a window. Open the window and throw the stuff out. YOU DON'T WANNA BREAK THE STUFF. Don't throw it like your a fucking baseball star. You should gently let it touch the ground. Then jump out the window. Close it up, and run like hell.
You left some DNA. Now you got caught. Nobody fails exactly like you. Your ass is pwned. Literally there is no one to help you. Just go to prison. You deserve it for failing.