The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous/Work
Getting a job
- Check on your possibly future employer before sending a CV or others, especially over internet, and mostly for home based works, it never hurts to know what you're dealing with, bonus points for backalley info such as market value drop and deficit.
- NEVAR, ever, postulate to any job that involves you handling money through your account, it's illegal and I'm still in troubles with my bank(and probably the police too) over my stupidity (I did none of this and the previous point and almost got jailed for fraud).
- Simple enough, don't believe job offers that are too easy and too gratifying, if someone had such a job to offer they wouldn't advertise it unless they were REALLY, REALLY, lacking someone, which, for that kind of work, never quite is the case.
- In general just try to learn as much as possible about the company, it will help you make up a nice covering letter, and during the possible interview will show your motivation.
Foot in the door
It's always, always useful to kiss ass with your parents co-workers, former co-workers, university profs, frat alumni, and all sorts of different people who can take your resume and send it along to someone who needs an intern. Only family or friends would ever accept someone who needs a first experience, I got an internship in an industrial design firm thousands of kilometers away from my place because my uncle is working there. If you need to bring the subject up, perhaps do something like this:
'You': Yeah, I'm starting my <level>th year in <field>, but I'm looking for something to occupy myself this summer. You wouldn't happen to know of anyone who is looking to hire someone?
'Target': Actually, send me your resume and I might be able to find something for you. Success! Just be sure to let anyone and everyone know that you're looking for work and don't intend to live life as a hobo.
This is the most important part of your work application. First of all, don't be afraid to be narcissistic. You're advertising yourself. Have you ever watched those infomercials late at night on the TV and said "I don't know who the hell would ever consider buying this shit."? You have to sell that shit. You are selling 'shit' to 'Arab traders', make it look 'good'. HOWEVER, do not lie. If you lie, they will catch you, and they will make you look like a fool. Make yourself seem better than you are, but don't make yourself better than you are, got it? 'Things you should include:'
'Past work experience' Your past jobs, past volunteer activities, anything relevant to field experience 'Edumaction' Where you learned you a book and when and what you majored in. 'Special Skills' This is where you can lie your ass off
In general, highlighting capacities for teamwork as well as independent work, time management, efficiency, acceptance of criticism, personal skills, etc. can only do good, but you can't just write them as such, they have to be easily understood from the text detailing this or that. In fact, there are little to no "skills" that aren't good to add, but the more generic ones are better than the specifics, and generally, anything related to private life is to be left out, noone really cares to know if you can give your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend a massage to orgasm; albeit, the more casual life things like cooking and crafts are okay, but not necessary.
You may, for practicality, create a huge CV that sorts of encompasses everything, and then, before sending it, cutting out the irrelevant parts and reformulate what needs to be in the relevant ones to make it short and aimed.
The interview. An extremely important part of your working life, the interview can make or break your potential job. A good boss can gather everything he needs to know about a worker from how he behaves in an interview, so don't fuck it up. Be well groomed.
- Shake hands firmly and make eye contact. If you give a weak handshake and look away, you show yourself as a weak person. Show your boss you have some balls. Have clean, short fingernails and no excessive hand jewelry. If you chew your cuticles, stop, get a manicure. Take up swimming so you taste like chlorine.
- Again with the confidence, you need to compose yourself well. How you sit, for example, can affect your prospects. Don't sit on the edge of your chair - it makes you looks nervous and on edge. Sit comfortably in the chair provided, but don't slouch in the damn thing as if you were surfing /b/. You have to be conscious of all you movements.
- Answer all questions with a strong voice, make yourself heard. Don't mumble your answers. Maintain eye contact at all times when you're speaking, and don't let your eyes wander around the room.
- Don't sound negative. If you were really punctual at your shitty part-time high school job, don't provide contrast by saying that your incompetent fucktard co-workers never showed up on time.
- ANY time you have to say something negative or admit to flaw or ignorance, follow it up with a "but" statement. If you have no experience with filing systems, say "While I've never used that particular filing system before, I learn quickly and am very organized in general" or something.
- If they ask you about your work ethics, NEVER tell them that you're lazy. Even if you're the grossest, laziest fucktard, you should never be stupid enough to tell them you're a hobo. To them, you are the perfect worker.
- Overall, let them know that you would be the perfect worker. Don't be hesitant, know what you're going to say. Be confident and don't fuck it up.
Most interviewers will have a set of standard bullshit they ask, and you need to have good answers for them.
- "What are your strengths?": Give two, maybe three. Make them at least vaguely true, but make sure they're relevant to the job. Don't blather on and on to the point of seeming arrogant and douchey. Also, GIVE EXAMPLES. The more true it is and the more you can back it up, the more convincing you will be.
- "What are your weaknesses?": First, don't rephrase what you said for the previous question. If you're applying for a job working with slow, retarded old people, and patience is one of your strengths, don't say that being too patient is your weakness. It makes you look unoriginal and just stinks of bullshitting and dishonesty. A good response is honest, doesn't reveal any devastating character flaws, and is something you've worked on, or something which you can explain away. For most /b/tards, saying that you can be "a little shy at times" works, but make sure to emphasize the good aspects of it: you don't cause conflict, you're a good listener, etc.
- "Where do you want to /b/ in five years?": This question is an attempt to gauge your level of ambition, planning, and self-awareness in life. Do some thinking about this: right now you may only be focused on moving out of your parents' house, but try to think of something specific and career-related. Really, it's a question you should be able to have a good, genuine answer for. Knowing the answer to this is a good idea even if you never get asked.
- "What have you been doing since you've graduated?": This applies when employers can see from your resume that you're not a fresh graduate. This is unfortunately a bad situation, because it reveals you to be the slacker you are, and there's no truly good answer. The best you can hope for is to have kept a part-time job that you had while you were in school (don't mention the part-time part unless they ask), or do some other studies or volunteer work. If you have a worthless degree, say that you've found yourself either overqualified or underqualified for most jobs you've applied for.
- "Tell me a little bit about yourself.": Not a question, but you'll have to do it anyway. Don't just restate what's on your resume, say a little bit about your personality, hobbies and interests (spinning them to sound normal). If you're learning Japanese because you like animu, say that you've always wanted to learn a new language but want something more challenging than Spanish. If you play vidya gaem music on your guitar, say that you make instrumental rock music.
- Schedule related questions: Say that you like whatever schedule the job is going to have, and give a reason. If it's varying shift work (like part-time grocery store work), say that you like the flexibility and the ability to pick up extra hours. If it's a 9-5 job, say that you prefer the regularity to erratic shift work.
The first day
Making a good impression on the first day of working at a new job, sadly, is more important than months of good working after. First impressions are everything.
- Be polite! If someone bumps into you, do not start spouting off insults. Apologize, then keep working.
- I know its hard, but refrain from spouting off /b/ memes at your job. You WILL eventually slip and make a joke about "nigras" or "Bix Nood" in front of a black customer, or something along those lines. That is a surefire way to throw away your career.
- Do your fucking job. Don't slack off on anything unless you are damn sure you can get away with it.
- Yum22Yum23's testimony: During my first actual internship, I arrived all full of hope and motivation, the first 2 or 3 days I worked hard and with pleasure (and the office manager and the other people were often in the office at the time) but past the first week, i started bumming around, learning how to look like I was working, and no one really cared about it, I was listening to mp3s and testing landscape softwares even when the company boss was here, i remember sleeping for hours head on my desk without being scolded, in the end i was playing games, reading hentai and eating all the reserve food. Working hard on your first days will enable you to bum around and do minimal work for months.
- Additional testimony: The above is completely true. Be a badass, work overtime when they need you. Help people out. Be the go-to guy. Be the most polite person and mega-concerned with customers. Make a point of wanting to serve endlessly. Carry the heavy shit. Cover for people's breaks. Run up and down stairs, or better yet, go down the slides or run down the slides. Just make sure no one is sending boxes down or you'll die. After doing this a while, no one can think wrong of you, so when your brain eventually dies from the boredom and repetetiveness and hatred of your crushed dreams, nobody will notice that you're hiding on the second floor behind a stack of bikes on top of a bed of new foam mats that your boss won't let you put out because they're not on sale.