The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous/Grooming
Showers are absolutely fucking essential. Showers are basically your way of keeping yourself fresh and new without having to do much other than rub yourself over.
Stuff you need: Soap (either bar or liquid), Shower, Towel - srsly, that's everything that's absolutely necessary, don't believe it? -then read on...
Stuff you may want: Shampoo, Conditioner, (facial) Cleanser, Sponge/Flannel/Back-Brush/Bath-Mitt, TODO - anything else you can think of...
- Turn on shower, get in.
- Rinse - briefly rub all over before using the soap, get hair thoroughly soaked - this gets quite a bit of the dirt off (most of it if you're covered with mud or NOT MUD or something).
- Wash - this should also be obvious, but start from the top and work your way down - this is so that you avoid rinsing washed-off dirt onto the parts you've already cleaned.
- Start with head/hair (PROTIP: YOU DON'T NEED SHAMPOO/CONDITIONER, soap will clean it fine, although you may prefer something else - go with what seems to work best for the money you want to spend; still, conditioner is for metro-fags), rub the soap (or whatever) in for a couple minutes then rinse - repeat until it feels clean.
- Now the face, again, SOAP IS FINE, you can also use a flannel or scrape (scrape, not scratch) any of the greasier parts with a fingernail. Like the hair, soap/rub/rinse until clean.
- Now continue working downwards; arms, armpits, chest/breasts, back, penis (Also that includes retracting the foreskin for cleaning if you're a Eurofag or not a Jew/Durkatard/AmeriKKKan), balls, labia (try not to get any soap in your vagina, but be sure to wash between your labia and underneath your clit hood), asscheeks, anus (it's a good idea to poop before a shower), legs, feet (including between toes).
- I would recommend against using soap on your glans penis [or penis in general] if you are uncircumcised, since this can mess up the natural balance of microorganisms and cause balanitis, or just be generally irritating, speaking from experience.
- For washing the body, some abrasiveness may be useful - this can be "grainy" soap or the sponge/flannel/mitt mentioned above.
- Rinse (again) - ensure all soap etc. is washed away.
- Dry - Thoroughly, with a towel (or 2, unless you don't mind using the same one for your face and ass). Again, start with hair and work down to feet, pay particular attention to areas where skin rubs against skin (asscrack, armpits etc.)
Remember, remove everything you put on yourself that day/yesterday, meaning if you walk in smelling like perfume, cologne or booze, you need to come out smelling like soap.
Of course, use deodorant or antiperspirant. Unless you're one of the lucky ones whose BO isn't bad (get someone else to confirm this), pick one and use it. Go with sticks or roll-ons because spray wears off faster and covering yourself in it is worse then smelling like BO. Ax, Lynx or Tag will not get girls to jump you in the street, it's just marketing you dumb fucks, if you like the smell then use it in MODERATION!
And then, the second most obvious task for you to do: Shave, unless you can grow nice facial hair that looks good on you. Horrible facial hair ruins a great face; great facial hair improves a horrible face. This doesn't mean for you to go out and grow a goatee - clean shaven men are usually preferred. The only exception to this is a "close but rough" shave, which some women find hot. That's just a five-o-clock shadow, so that comes with time, just shave it away in the mornings and let it come back in the evenings.
- No matter how you choose to shave, there are a couple of things you should remember for optimal grooming.
- Hydration: keep your face hydrated, whether it's just constantly running warm/hot water over it or using shaving cream/foam/soap. This makes it easier for the blade to do its work without cutting your face to shit and rendering the whole exercise a fucking disaster.
- Change your blades/razor about once a week, assuming you shave daily. Whether you're a cheap-ass and buy those disposable things, go metro-fag and get that expensive shit, or somewhere in the middle, making sure you're not using a dull blade will make sure everything goes smoother, again reducing the chance you come out with a face like a Bosnian's wrist.
- Do not go against the grain, you're setting yourself up for a lovely cutting board look. Always go with the grain on the first (few) passes, or until it doesn't cut anything anymore in that direction, that will ensure a nice shave already, at this point, you may try going against the grain, but again, don't go directly at it, rotate the shave, if you will, that will enable for a much closer shave, while the previous actions should prevent most razor burns at this point. (unverified at this point for straight razors)
- Also, give electric shavers a try. Even if they are not fully effective on your skin, going over with an electric shaver first and then shaving normally with a razor can be easier on your skin (avoiding disasters on your face), easier to shave with and make your razor last longer. You don't have to get those $100 dollar ones. Getting a small $25 "beard grooming kit" (buzzers of various sizes & a small foil shaver) can minimize the amount of shaving your have to do with a razor.
- You can also use it to shave off other bits of hair on your body (pubic hair (NOT YOUR GENITALS!!), ass crack) and completely avoid razor burns, infections, nasty sweat accumulations and what not.
- If by some ungodly coincidence that you actually attract a female, and she prefers you clean-shaven, you may want to invest in a straight razor.
- There are many good reasons for this, chief among them is that you can resharpen the blade, saving money on disposable razors. Other non-health related pros of the straight razor are the extremely close shave, the need to only make two passes with the razor to remove the hair and dead skin, and the simple aesthetics of using and handling a straight razor.
- Health-related pros revolve mainly around the way disposables work. Your ordinary Mach 3 will lift the hair and cut it, sometimes multiple times if you make several passes. Now multiply the number of passes by three. The skin then grows over/heals over the hair follicle. Yeah, see what we're getting at? And you wonder why you get razor burn and ingrown hairs from hell. Use a straight razor and you won't have these problems. But, if you aren't careful with a straight razor, your face will end up looking like Wolverine or Freddy Kruger mistook you for a sharpening stone.
- Otherwise, if you're too lazy to do it yourself, go to an old-school barbershop. The one with the combs and everything in the blue astringent, the barber pole out front, and old men playing checkers in the corner. These mothers know how to shave a guy fast, and right. And you get hot towels, hot lather, aftershave, the whole works. It takes about five or ten minutes, and is quite relaxing. Try it once if you don't believe.
Waiting to be incorporated: http://www.gentlemans-shop.com/acatalog/perfect_shave.html
Then comes the obligatory that your mother always taught you- brush and floss your teeth. Brushing your teeth, as well as occasionally flossing, is essential if you want to be trading saliva with anyone any time soon. Make sure you have brushed your teeth before you leave your house in the morning and certainly after breakfast. Check your tongue for accumulated gunk (you should perhaps do this every time you go to a bathroom with a mirror), you can either brush it as well or scrape it all off with a thumbnail (sniff your thumbnail afterwards, did you really want to keep that in your mouth?, now wash your hands). If you're in a situation where you're going to be talking to people, and you think your breath might smell, chew some gum. You might find it helpful to always keep gum with you in case you might need it.
One tool that gets overlooked too often are the flossing tools. The Oral-B 'Hummingbird' and floss wands are both quite good for reaching those hard-to-reach back teeth, and can be done sitting in front of the TV or computer without the need for a mirror. Gum massagers, whitening strips, and other such truck can generally be done away with so long as you brush at least twice daily and floss at least once daily, though the Anonymous without a good foundation in oral hygiene may find whitening strips quite useful.
Mouthwash is crucial to cleaning up your foul halitosis. DO NOT use mouthwash with alcohol in it such as Listerine or Scope. Alcohol dries out you mouth which makes it easy for bacteria to stink it up again. Alcohol based mouthwashes will mask foul smelling breath for only a short time, and in the long run they will make halitosis worse. If you want a good mouthwash try something like Breath RX. Don't worry about the taste, you'll get used to it sooner or later. And honestly, it does make your breath smell ten times better, so do us ALL a favor and use it.
Don't forget to get a tongue scraper. After you brush, scrape your tongue and then rinse it all out with a good mouthwash. When scraping try to get the implement as far back in your mouth as possible then pull it forward. Most of the stuff that causes halitosis is rotting food stuck on the back of your tongue.
The last thing is also important: brush or comb your hair. Brushing your hair is necessary, no matter if you have short or long hair. For those of you with long hair, it gives it a sleeker and much more organized look- and for those of you with short, it keeps it from looking TOO messy. Then, if you feel the need, you can add gel or any other hair product to it. Just don't go overboard- if you look like you spent as much time as your date fixing your hair, there is a problem. Alternatively, if you go around looking like you just got out of the shower from all the gel in your hair, don't bother. You're not fooling anyone, and they're all secretly laughing at you behind your back. Remember, a little goes a long way.
Acne cures are like hangover cures. Everyone has them, and generally they're all shit. However, here are some basic tips to turning your face from pepperoni pizza into a cheese pizza. Or chocolate-strawberry pizza into just chocolate pizza if you're a nigra.
If you have really bad acne, you could probably benefit from seeing a dermatologist. Ask your Primary doctor, as they can prescribe various creams for various severities. If it's only mild, you can treat it yourself by using the right facial cleanser and acne cream. Acne occurs when pores become plugged with dead skin cells and then become infected by bacteria. When you are buying facial cleanser, look for something that has salicylic acid listed as the active ingredient. Salicylic acid is an exfoliating agent--interestingly, it's found in aspirin, which you can make an exfoliant paste out of in a pinch. It helps keep your pores from getting clogged. Next, buy some acne cream that has benzoyl peroxide listed as the active ingredient. Benzoyl peroxide kills the bacteria that infect your pores. Wash your face and apply the cream two or three times per day. You should probably start out only applying it once per day, to make sure your skin doesn't have any adverse reactions to it. If your skin gets too dry because of the cream, you can apply moisturizer. Just be sure the moisturizer doesn't clog your pores/grease up your face, or you're back to square one.
Otherwise, to prevent acne, try using a mild facial soap like Dial, or anything else that is antibacterial. Wash your face twice a day, once when you wake up, and once before you go to bed. Your face is naturally oily, don't flip out because you're a little greasy, but if you can see through your pillowcase, you need to wash more. If you see a breakout happening, put a drop of Clearasil or some other acne medicine on the spot and rub it in a bit. It should go away in a bit. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, after all. It is important NOT to go overboard on the Sea Breeze and facial scrubs. Ever continually bullied a kid? Doubtful, but if you ever had, you'd know that eventually they're going to come to school with a gun and fuck you up Columbine style. Same with your face. Don't abuse your skin trying to prevent acne, you're only going to make things worse.
SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: Recently, Jewish immigrants from the Middle East have gotten into the habit of opening little kiosks at your local mall/farmer's market/Whatever The Fuck You to sell facial cleansers made from salt from the Red Sea. It. Is. A Goddamn. Fucking. Ripoff. This is just one Anon's experience, but when (Not if, when. They WILL try to sell you something if you frequent the place) they try to push the shit on you, they may make reference to the fact that they're Jews from Israel and will take anything for payment. Glasses, video games, whatever. Have a few lulz on that and then tell them to piss off. Don't come crying to me if they get pissed and wreck your shit though.
The Less Frequent Things
Stop being a fucking troll- cut your fingernails and toenails, clean your ears, cut your nostril hairs, get rid of any "mole hair" (dark hair coming out of moles), make sure your eyebrows are decent and not bushy, and cut off any hangnails (cuticle that comes loose) before it becomes painful. In addition, try trimming back some of the huge bush you got, less hair = bigger looking dick and less shit to scare a chick away with. Less hair, more head.
As girly as it may sound, healthy skin can be a good thing. I'm not talking about going to the spa every week and getting manicures frequently, but maybe an exfoliating rinse every now and then couldn't hurt. It'll also help reduce acne. Also, get that callous removed from your hand and maybe see a dermatologist about any warts or large moles(some might be cancerous and could be removed). Athlete's foot is fucking disgusting and is quite uncomfortable, so buy some Tinactin to prevent that. Skin blemishes are not exactly the most attractive thing and should be given some occasional attention at least. You don't have to be a skin freak, but don't be a troll. Most of the commercial products can be found in your local drug store. Ask an employee where to find anything you can't find.
The Shaving Thing - Guys
This is one of those topics that is up for debate virtually all the time. You, being a male, are probably prone to growing body hair. Some girls like it, some girls don't. It's all up to you to decide what you do and determine if you want to look like a bear or not.
- Basically, think of it this way- leg hair and arm hair are not problems. Believe it or not, many girls really don't care if you have gorilla-like leg hair- though if you have a nice body definition, it's good to shave it off. You may be ridiculed for this, so do be careful.
- Your chest is another one of those "choose your own adventure" kind of deals- if you don't have shag-rug quality hair, there is very little reason for you to shave it. However, if you happen to have small light hairs that look stupid, shaving it might be a good idea anyway.
- Back Hair is unsightly and can be unpleasant so noone will blame you if you remove it altogether.
- Pubes need to be trimmed. Always. Yes, it may be a little strange or arcane for you to do so, but getting rid of those things is the ticket into a woman's mouth and every other hole in between. This doesn't mean you should Nair the whole thing (though that does good if you like the bald look), it just means you need to keep it either trimmed or gone. And not like a mother fucking jungle. Hey, it's actually good for you- no unsightly pubes on the bathroom floor anymore, which is fucking disgusting.
And for heaven's sake, shave your ass. No one wants to see that. But be careful while shaving your ass. Listen to the wisdom of this age-old copypasta:
- I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring dramather torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
This copypasta is a wonderful example of the perils of ass hair shaving, but know that it is acceptable to trim or even shave the hair between your ass and balls if it gets itchy or retains coudrious amounts of filth. Trimming your ass hair is fine, as long as it's not too much of a close trimming, or it'll have the same effect as shaving, but will wear off faster. Trimming it to 1-a few millimeters should prevent getting your shit stuck in it and the itchy, smelly, sweaty stuff you've just read about.
The Shaving Thing - Girls
As was said on the former version: it is up to you to choose whether or not to shave this or that. Apparently, the unshaved look is pretty appreciated,
I personally agree with this but I am only one out of 6 billion;no one will require you to have baby skin, but most like to have hair kept to a minimum, simple question of smell and tastes. Also be aware, in case you are doing this with a few making out prospects in mind, that the less hair there is, the more likely licking will be done. I personally love armpits, and long hair there would kind of turn me down from licking them, same for your crotch. It's probably because we're all porn addicts, and because we like to see the goods, not the bush hiding them. It also seems that an electric trimmer can be highly pleasurable on women, I remember a story about a guy using it to trim the hair and make the girls wet, so that he could "feast" on their juices.
Same as for guys, it's also a matter of hygiene. The more hair you have, the harder it is to wash, and the more likely it'll be to hold sweat and bacteria. Trimming closely is fine, shaving is extra, depilating must be a pain.
A woman's point of view is required here.
Also, in view of the drawing just a bit up on this page, you may consider the hassle people ask of guys, which is, shaving the beard, maybe the pubes, etc. in comparison to what you are asked, which is pubes and legs, mostly. So, as I like to say, if you don't do anything for your hair, don't expect us to do anything regarding ours.
The Tanning Thing
Getting a tan, while usually frowned upon by most men, is basically your ticket from looking like a pudgy sack of shit to looking like a tasty sack of shit. Be honest with yourself- girls with tans, especially nude girls with tans, look really fucking good. Thus, by inference, you will probably look pretty good if you get a tan.
Well, that's an odd statement, but it is true. Many porn stars () purposely tan because they know the naked human form looks better with a bit of brown to it, rather than white, or, in more general terms, a light brown shade is more appreciated than not. Unless you're going for that whole "Japanese waifu"/"Middle Age Fairness (tm)" look, you need to try to at least go up in the pigment scale.
Why, the more unwilling may ask, imagine your ancestors: cave dwellers => white, alpha males => tanned. Now tell me, how is babby formed?
This can really tie in nicely with exercise. Go out to an outdoor pool every once and a while and just sit there and tan. Swim a bit. Then relax. Then swim. It's nice, relaxing, and you know you're becoming only that much more studly.
Tanning also helps if you have the aforementioned acne problem, particularly the varieties known as "rackne", "backne", and "crackne." Also, if you have very bad acne, don't tan and don't spend too much time on the sunlight. It may make it worse. Ask your dermatologist if you have any questions. Swimming helps your skin clear up.
This is unless you are black, or any other race with naturally dark skin, as it is known that many a nigra reckons the pool to be a prime habitat, and will spend many days at a time dancing about at such a location. While this is no doubt a healthy activity, it does very little for someone of such a deep complexion.
It also goes without saying that the guido overtan/oompa loompa/roasted chicken look should never be even as little as emulated, or you would be signing your own death warrant, I'm not even joking.
Haircuts are like clothing in that they basically define who you are. This can be a good or bad thing - you either do well with them or majorly fuck them up - the right cut can make you look classy and stylish in even the shittiest situation, whereas the worst can make you look like you're going to fuck your cousin (would you feel that's a bad thing). While there is no really easy way to tell you how to get the right hairdo, keep the following things in mind:
- Short barbershop hair is generally stupid. What I mean by that is that those generic "white boy" haircuts the majority of men get need to die and burn in hell. If it involves cutting your hair universally one half of an inch short and just using a razor on your neck, don't even bother.
- Know your salon procedure.
- First, find yourself a SALON - not a barbershop. Salons are usually run by women, not by men, which means that they tend to look at men's hair more than at what seems to be the style on CNN or FOX News.
- Call in early and schedule an appointment - and for god's sake, ASK HOW LONG THE HAIRDRESSER HAS WORKED AT THE SALON. Never let them place you with "the new girl" (they will want to).
- If they do, you will no doubt get a butchered haircut with horrible fashion sense, much like you would get a bad dinner if you asked a new cook to make you something he has never made before.
- Crew cuts are stupid too. See above.
- If you have very bad acne, you should consider getting a short haircut nonetheless.
- If you prefer a buzz cut, then DO IT YOURSELF; spending $30 on a set of clippers will quickly end up cheaper.
- Afros look cool only if you're black. And wearing a suit. Preferably obstructing the paths of others while dancing by a pool.
- Growing out your hair is good, but you still will need haircuts. Get a good stylist, they'll know what to do.
- Greasy long hair is indicative of "I stay up at night masturbating to furry and playing D&D".
- As for your hairstyle, the best thing for you to do is ask the stylists. Some of the best advice in the world can be gotten with the same line you can use while clothes shopping - either "What do you think would look good on me", or "What would you do if you were going to date me?". These lines work like charms - but do note that you need to make sure that your stylist isn't freaking crazy. One particular anon learned very quickly that one does not use such a line when in the middle of a small town full of hick girls.
- Corollary: Even if you have the best haircut in the world, a stylist can butcher it in a second trying to be "original", or just being "fucking stupid".
Once you have found a hairstyle that you're happy with, make sure that you give clear instructions to whoever is cutting your hair. Don't be afraid to bring a picture in with you if you cannot properly articulate what it is you want. Most hairstylists will follow instructions well, and chances are if you leave them with vague instructions and are unsure of what you want, you will not be happy with the haircut you end up with.
Actually, let's just make a list of what NOT to do. DO NOT DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
- Crew cuts
- Bowl cuts
- Beatles-style looks
- Cuts requiring excessive use of a straightening iron
- Cuts requiring pomade
- Spiked hair that isn't razored
- Ponytails, esp. greasy ones
- Pork chop sideburns
- Anything involving vivid colors (green, red, blue, etc)
- Bleach your hair that nasty yellow color.
- Dye a part of your hair and leave the rest natural (like, dying your bangs)
- Anything involving a "Swoop"
- Anything in patterns or designs
- "Cut around" your eyes
In the eventuality that you want to dye your hair in a way that does not scream of emo/punk/others, look into
- Natural haircolours, blends of variatons thereof.
- Even so, deeper, darker colours are preferable to light ones, which often tend to give unnatural contrasts to the hair.
- Still, pitch black is emo, don't do it
- Streaks are fine as long as the color of the streaks is not too different from the base color
- Cheap dye material will either have unwanted results or short term ones.
- If you are unsure of what it'll be like, only die a short length of hair, so that you may cut it without damaging the overall haircut in case of troubles.