The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous/Drinking

Despite what you may think, there is some method behind the madness of drinking. After all, humans have been doing it ever since wine was discovered in ancient times. Your parents may have given you the huge drugs and alcohol talk, but it really is no big deal in the grander scheme of things. Your parents without a doubt have gotten shitfaced themselves, and now they are passing the torch on to you. However - not all drinking means getting shitfaced and power-spewing on your best friends couch and carpet.

You, my dear Anonymous friend, must learn the etiquette of drinking.

Biological Factors

First we need to define a Standard drink. A Standard drink is defined as any amount of liquid with about 10 grams of pure ethanol, this translates to either one half pint of beer, one shot of hard liquor, or one glass of wine. Your body takes about an hour to digest one standard drink.

Ethanol is an intoxicant, which means consumption of ethanol will impair your motor skills, judgment and cognition, (read: shitfaced) NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE, DOING SO WILL GET YOU FUCKED (i.e., Big Bubba's girlfriend fucked), B& AND V&, AS WELL AS PUTTING YOURSELF AND OTHERS IN MORTAL DANGER.

Ethanol is mostly absorbed and broken down in the lower intestines. Traces of it may be absorbed in your stomach and large intestines, and if you are really fucking stupid, the lungs. It is a centrally acting drug, tolerance to it varies from person to person. That doesn't matter to law enforcement, if they find it in your system, you're fucked no matter how sober you feel.

Now that we are done with the disclaimer stuff...

Proof Of What?

Alcohol can be measured in either Proof, which is how much Ethanol is in the bottle, or by ABV, which is Alcohol By Volume. Proof = ABV x2. ABV = Proof /2. Easy peasy.

This isn't need to know stuff, but it's good to keep behind the ear.

How Much Is Too Much?

How much a person can drink before they start launching chunks depends on a few factors. One, is body mass. A skinny guy will get drunk on the same amount of booze as fat guy MUCH faster. Interestingly enough, the muscle laden jock in your class will hold out longer than the fat tub of lard that is your team mascot. This is because body fat percentage is also a factor. The less fat you have, the longer it'll take for alcohol to take effect.

Genetics also come into play, but that's complicated shit. Basically, asians lack some protein or gene or whatever the fuck, which causes them to get hyper-fucked up on relatively minuscule amounts of alcohol. Also, the stereotypical drinking races (Irish, Polish, Russian etc.) can exhibit higher alcohol tolerance than most. However, this is hardly a huge factor.

A common misconception is that drinking moar will increase your tolerance. This is largely untrue once adulthood is reached, and although psychological factors will come into play and make you think that you have a higher tolerance, there is no biological evidence that this is the case. If you haven't been drinking in a few months, you will find your tolerance lower; if you then drink every night for a few days you will see it rise again to a point - but your overall 'tolerance band' will not appreciably increase with practice.

A general rule of thumb is to stop drinking when you start falling off the floor. If you want to avoid blowing chunks, that is.

BAC record holder

BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) level record holder is a pole (a Polish person). Tadeusz S. in 1995 was driving a car under the infualnce of alcohol and caused an accident near Wroclaw. They tested his blood for alcohol and then retested it 4 more times because they couldn't believe the result but all the results were the same - 14,8 permile. The man died a dozen days later from injuries suffered in the crash not from the alcohol dosage. If you're wondering what's the mortal dosage of alcohol content in your blood it's usally quoted to be 4 or 5 permile. Does not apply to poles and ruskies.

DUDE, LETS GET WASTED!11

No.

Only tweens drink to get WASTED!!11. Have some respect and grow the fuck up. That isn't to say that getting wasted is something you should avoid. Quite the contrary, it is an an experience that everyone MUST go through in order to have properly lived. Like most things, it has a time and a place. Instead of drinking for the sake of drinking, drink for the sake of drinking with people. Often the best friends you'll ever have are those who you throw back a few cold ones with. Be aware that if one of your drinking buddies is Anon, he WILL eventually pressure you for Mutual Masturbation after he's got you drunk enough. Pimp slapping is justified at this point.

Learning to control how much you drink is just as important as learning your own limits. We all know the guy who dances around after ripping shirt off after shotgunning a few beers, or the girl who gets 'totally trashed' off a couple glasses of wine. Don't be like them.

Partying

For those of you in college, the above is a major factor- even in the highest colleges in any country, partying is a big damn deal- and we're talking "wake up the next morning with some ugly gay guy" deal. Thus, it's important to know how to handle your shit. 99.9% of partiers in College are the "I just got my leash off" variety- by that, I mean overly hardcore fuckheads who mess up their lives via doing too many shots of Everclear, pull a rape train on some dumb college slut whose dad happens to be the state capital's DA, and get kicked out after one semester. Don't ever become these people.

First of all, know your fucking limitations. For example, if you're around 100 pounds of skinny failure, you may be able to hold one beer in your system before you get tipsy. Those of us blessed with German genes who weight lift can do about three max before we get "the feeling"- it's all up to you.

But let's be honest here, Mr. Anonymous. You should NEVER be more drunk than the girl beside you. And I'm not fucking kidding, either. Being more drunk than your date/target is tantamount to being an immediate failure, the kind of thing that'll ensure you have blue balls forever. This, obviously, is never good. Don't ever give a shit what those fratboys say: If they were able to get women, they'd do it instead of playing Beer Pong all god damn night.

Handling Frat/College Parties

A few pointers for those of you in college going to parties-

• If the bartender says drop the drink, he isn't kidding. Cops tend to troll looking for underage b&s to arrest. If you get the wind of a cop from anyone, don't guess or assume everything is fine. Get the fuck out immediately, even if it's a rumor. Not a serious problem for Eurofags, where the drinking age is generally lower than in the States.
• Don't ever get heavily drunk. It's a bad way to meet people, as mentioned above.
• Don't drink out of any open container. I know this sounds like a date rape advice guide, but lots of frats have been known to slip heavier shit into open containers, such as punch and that kinda thing. Cans and kegs are the safest bet.
• Protect your lady friends. Even if they aren't your girlfriend, keep an eye on the girls you come with. While it sounds lame, you will sometimes find yourself in situations where you have to threaten certain guys. And shit, it's fun.
• Don't let it hit your grades. Get home, go to sleep, and study in the morning, and NEVER party when the next day involves classes. Some of the most intelligent people on campus can be the heaviest partiers- but they know when NOT to party.
• Never walk around (outside) with a beer. That's asking to get arrested.
• Go to all the parties you can, within reason. Don't be a tightwad prude- parties are fun. Just be reasonable and watch yourself, and NEVER go overboard. The best thing you can do is go with friends, and leave with your friends right as you get bored- that way, you don't have to worry about fucking up.

Faking The Drink

One trick that the smart Anons of college know is faking the drink. By that, I mean not drinking as much as it looks like you are- it removes the social stigma (if you're getting pressured into drinking heavily), and you can convince others to drink more (exploitation). This can range from sipping slowly on one cup (as people will just guess you're getting more beer), throwing away half-full cans of beer (lame, but effective), or just pouring the shit on the curb. This is probably not the first route you should take (the best route is to not worry about what people think about your drinking), but it does help occasionally. The first technique is generally the most reliable provided you move from place to place, leading people to assume that you acquired another drink while they couldn't see you.

A useful trick for the anon with a taste for spirits, is the whiskey and ginger or Jack and Coke, One Highball glass, your poison of choice and ice if possible. Just either top up wih the mixer, those around will think that a new drink is being mixed. Also if pouring small measures add the spirit last, the drink will smell on inspection to be very alcoholic.

It's important to know that you shouldn't ever feel pressured to drink with a bunch of dumbasses, especially in frat party situations- but generally anywhere. While we don't want to sound like your mom, there's no reason to drink unless you want to drink- it's useless to chug it down just because you have to.

Different Kinds Of Drinks

• Beer: Made from fermented juices of barley and hops. The final product is usually carbonated and sold in packs of 6 cans or bottles, or a multiple of 6 cans or bottles. A very social beverage, very prevalent, found at most college parties, to dumb underage B& kids in the park, or in the hands of a lonely old guy in a bar. It is difficult to grow an appreciation for beer, due to its bitter taste. A very handy tool in male bonding, there is no feeling like knocking back a few brews with your old man or a coworker. Ranges from cheap shit thats cheaper than water (Natural Light, Keystone Light, Budweiser) to middleweights (most beers found in bars, Corona, Miller, Heineken) to GOOD FUCKING BEER (Fat Tire, Sam Adams, Guinness, Most real ale and most English beer that is labeled Bitter). There are also a few oriental beers that are worth trying, as they have a very crispy light taste, and almost no shitty aftertaste (Tsingtao, Asahi, Sapporo, Kirin). Most parties have the cheap shit (Bud, Coors, etc), which tastes like ass. Make yourself a big man and get yourself some European beer (even Guinness counts)- you'll never want to go back. Protip: If you have to add something, namely some kind of citrus fruit, to your beer to make it taste good, you shouldn't be drinking it. Good, hell, even decent beer doesn't require you to add something to make it 'taste good'. Although Lager and lime or Guiness and blackcurrent cordial are acceptable in England in the Summer during heatwaves in the first case and generally in the latter.

• Vodka: Made from fermented and distilled grain, fruit juice or other sugar/starch. Basically, it is defined by what it isn't rather than by what it is. Very popular with underage B& because of the high alcohol content, allowing their fresh teenage asses to get shitfaced fast.

• Wine: Fermented grapes. Wine is more of a posh thing, and it takes a bit of learning to get it "right"- so generally, unless you want to study up, trust sommeliers at restaurants or recommended wine guides. There are, however, a few easy to learn guidelines that will ensure you don't end up with something as acidic as cat's piss and the taste of the same. Remember that your choice of wine reflects your personality as much as your clothes/hairdo does; and that generally, if you are drinking something, you should like it. If you are having a meal with the wine, then choose accordingly. If it's a fairly hefty meal involving red meats and potatoes, red is a fairly safe bet - if the meal is lighter and contains seafood or salad, go with the white. Nearly all of the flavours you taste in food and in booze comes from your nose; so when you have a glass, give it a good sniff, its the only way to get the full flavour. if you don't, you shouldn't have bought it, as your actually wasting the flavour your paying for. If you're in a restaurant, picking a good wine is easy, as there is a list of how nice the wine is in money on the right; but it's generally advisable to ask the Maitre' D. A quick explanation of wine terms: For red wine: 'Body' is the weight of the wine in your mouth, as well as an indication of its strength. 'Medium-bodied' means easier to knock back and not quite as rich and thick, and slightly lower in alcohol. 'Full-bodied' means 'fucking strong', so be advised. It also means much denser, heavier tasting wine. If the guy in the restaurant or wine shop starts dribbling on about 'tannins,' tannin is the stuff left over from the grape skins, and is responsible for that bitter after taste and all that blue grot that builds up on your lips. Some like the taste of it, but if you do, enjoy your brown teeth. For white wine, ask how acidic a wine is. The more acidic, the more sharp the flavour. Cheap ass white tends to taste like vinegar, but nicer varieties benefit from a bit of bite. Finally, the more 'dry' a wine, the less sweet it is. One more thing: those odd little bottles of almost yellow wine about half the size of all the others? Desert wine. Imagine white, but with a shit load of sugar pumped in to it. if your getting desert anyway, and you are male, you do not need any more sugar. Desert wine is like drinking syrup.

• Whiskey or Whisky: The E meaning that the spirit is Irish in origin, e.g. Jamesons or Paddy's. Made from distilled (concentration of ethanol) fermented corn in Tennessee or barley in Scotch. Some will like it and some won't, but it's a very manly drink. Order it with ice (on the rocks). Recommended: Jack Daniels (Tennessee), Johnny Walker (Blended Scotch), anything from the Glens (Single malt Scotch). Most single malts however are better warm or in some cases with a dash of water. Irish Whiskey has the advantage of being smoother generally and not having the harsh smoky after affect, due to differences in the manufactoring and aging process. Generally the older the drink has been cask aged the better.

• Brandy: Made from distilled wine, and other fermented juices. There are many grades to Brandy and whiskey, (you know the x.o, vsop, etc) generally the more aged, the better and the prices go higher. Brandy is generally bitter but with hints of sweetness.

• Tequila/Mezcal: Made in M00txico from distilled fermented juices of the agave plant (looks kinda like aloe vera). Tequila is the crucial ingredient in Margaritas. Also sold in grades, based on how long they were aged for. There are numerous types of tequila defined by their color. Mezcal is made in a similar fashion, but it often has a worm or a snake inside the bottle meant to fuck you up upon consumption, Google it.

• Sake/Soju: Rice wine/rice liquor, as you can probably guess its made from fermented rice. Sake is undistilled rice wine, consumed primarily by Japs and weeaboos, very delicious. Distilling it yields rice liquor, slightly more flavorful than vodka but still very strong.

• Rum: AKA pirate sauce. Distilled fermented sugarcane and molasses. White rum is often touched up with juices and spices, popular with chicks and really girly dudes (Bacardi Breezers). Traditional red rum is considerably less popular with this group due to its tendency to leave you with a very nasty headache and a mouth like a homeless man's toilet. It wasn't known as 'kill divil' in the old (barely literate) days for nothing. If you have a bad history of hangovers, stick with the filtered white rum. Gold rum (Mount Gay, Morgan's Spiced) is a happy medium somewhere between white rum and dark, and has more flavour than white whilst a bit lighter and less hangover prone as than the dark stuff.

• Amaretto: Made from distilled fermented almond. It can be very, very sweet. But be careful with this one, it packs a major punch.

• Absinthe/Absynthe: Made from distilled fermented wormwood, anise and fennel. Legal in Europe, illegal in America though there are guides on the internets on how to make it, said to contain magical powers (read: hallucinogenic), as illustrated in that movie, Eurotrip. Don't expect anything if you do drink it though; the 'hallucinogenic' compound (thujone) that makes it illegal to import to the US (but not to possess) is found in far higher concentrations in many mundane consumables with no effect. Its concentration in absinthe is insufficient to have any effect on the human nervous system, and studies show that absinthe only causes extreme responses in people who already expect it to make them hallucinate (placebo effect). Basically, the rumors are remnants of mass hysteria from the temperance movement, and those were people who held that a quick beer would turn you into a raving sociopath so you probably shouldn't trust them too much. It is traditionally mixed with water which gives it a milky colour instead of the clear green in the bottle. This makes it a very high percentage (60-89.9%), as there is virtually no water in it. People tend to drink it straight to get pissed quickly, due to its high percentage - but note that it is not a cheap spirit. Vodka will suit better, use absinthe only if you like the unique taste. (NOTE: Absinthe is now legal in at least parts of the US, might want to check though before consuming.)

• Mead: Very, very ridiculously fucking sweet, almost syrupy, made from fermented honey, combined with fruit juices and spices. The beauty of it is that with just a few common ingredients, you can brew this in your closet for pennies on the gallon.

• Moonshine: Just don't drink it. People who brew moonshine add industrial alcohol to make it more alcoholic, but it also makes in poisonous. If you drink bad moonshine there is a good chance you will go blind or die.

• Everclear: It is impossible to have a beverage that is 100% ethanol. This being said, Everclear tries very hard to prove otherwise, and is usually about 96% alcohol. It will fucking murder you if you are stupid about it.

NOTE: 100% ethanol is technically possible by jumping the azeotrope, but the pressure chamber equipment required is rather costly to acquire and operate and any such resulting drink would be not just prohibitively expensive but also pointless as a mixer (as this puts it back below the azeotrope).

The Dreaded Hangover

Like getting wasted!!1/!!/1/!one!!eleven, going through a hangover is one of life's many rich experiences (read: learning the hard way), without which one will never have properly lived.

• What is a hangover?: Many inexperienced, underage b& drinkers have misconceptions about hangovers, but in truth: a hangover is simply - dehydration. In layman's terms, digestion of alcohol makes your body lose water, a LOT of it. If you are awake while drunk, you will feel thirst kicking in and drink some water, but you cannot do so while passed out, hence the hangover in the morning.

• How To Tell If You Are Hung Over: Headache of various intensities, a tremendous urge to urinate, extremely yellow urine, extreme thirst, extreme nausea, an inability to withstand strong lights or noise, or any combination of the above indicates a hangover. A particularly heavy hangover (tequila, Everclear, and wine are the biggest offenders) will include all the symptoms.

• MAEK IT GO AWAY!!: Just drink a few tall glasses of water, and piss until your piss is no longer yellow, by then your hangover should mostly be gone. Some people have their personal hangover treatments, I have found that a mixture of orange juice and lemonade is particularly helpful, if other Anon have their personal hangover cures, I encourage them to post it here. Another hangover helper is to drink a glass with one half (un-heaped)teaspoon of salt and another half of sugar dissolved in it, which helps to replace some of those precious minerals you sweated/pissed/puked away the night before. Contrary to popular belief - coffee will not help a hangover, coffee will make it worse. Again, the universal cure for a hangover is WATER. LOTS OF IT. Drink water like a fish. If you can't hold that down, get yourself some milk or some ginger ale. Both naturally help to calm your stomach down so you can rehydrate. I'm unaware if this is the case for everyone, but in my experience a breakfast of bacon and eggs helps a lot with a hangover.

• Prevention Is The Best Treatment: Have a glass of water with every standard drink you have. (A standard drink is equivalent to one beer, or one shot of hard liquor, or one glass of wine, your body takes about an hour to digest one standard drink). Make sure you have eaten recently before drinking heavily as this will help cushion your system to an extent. Drinking milk will NOT 'line your stomach', but instead will curdle when mixed with alcohol and increase the chances of you blowing chunks. Keep water by your bedside if you have a designated crash pad; otherwise, memorize the crawl-path to the bathroom/kitchen/hose. This also has the added affect of giving the illusion to others that you are lasting longer, which can be good for the reputation in certain circles. Also if you really absolutely need to avoid a hangover the best advice I can give would be to stay up drinking water as late as possible until you can feel yourself sobering up, prevent it before the mind numbing effects of the alcohol wear off.

Or, shit, just don't go heavy on the alcohol. Three or four beers will rarely make the average guy (~150lbs) have any kind of "major" hangover, just so long as he isn't an extreme lightweight. Obviously, though, if you pass out and wake up with a hangover, you drank too much- but blacking out, well, that's a whole other story.