The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous/Dressing

Clothing is an essential part of life, mainly because the only time you seem to be allowed to not wear it is if you are a nudist, having sex, or in the shower. That's why most countries place a big emphasis on style and fashion- being able to take cloth that everyone wears and look good doing it.

Even though it makes little sense to some, wearing the right clothes with the right names can make all the difference in the world. Look at movie stars- some are insanely ugly, but with a little Grooming and some style, millions of people around the world are willing to kiss their ass. You don't have to have rock hard abs, either- the right fit for the right clothes can turn you from a computer geek into a gigolo.

It is important to realize that this tutorial takes a very general, somewhat stereotypic view on fashion and dress that will help you if you are totally clueless. It is entirely possible to wear clothing that goes against the rules. Nothing is set in stone. One could get away with wearing, say, suspenders if they were worn well, or even a trucker hat. A lot of it depends on you, your personality, and the right combinations. It all just depends on HOW you wear it. Shopping at Hot Topic exclusively may not be such a great idea, but buying some article of clothing there might just be okay. The saying holds true: The clothing don't make the man, the man makes the cloths.

The Very Basics

The very first thing you need to know about clothing is that for the most part, there are some things that everyone needs, bar none. This extends beyond underwear, too. So, before you even begin to look at yourself in the mirror and decide what you need clothing wise, realize you need at least the following basics:

• Underwear- anything but tighty whities and "joke" boxers.
• Pants- Jeans, Khakis, Shorts, and Dress pants.
• Shirts- Undershirts, plain T-shirts, styled T-shirts, long sleeved shirts, tank tops.
• "Overshirts"- Button down shirts, cheap suit jackets, etc.
• Accessories- At least one belt, possibly a necklace or a ring of some kind, a watch, scarf, etc.
• A Suit- a decent black or gray suit with normal conservative accessories- including a matching tie.
• Outerwear- One jacket (leather is good), one coat (preferably without "THE NORTH FACE" or "MEMBERS ONLY" on it).

Everything above is obviously the basics, which means that you should probably have everything mentioned already. What may surprise you is that with the very basics listed above, you can probably look decent already, pending that the stuff you have is of decent quality. Guys have it easy so far as fashion goes in this realm, because the styles never change too radically much- which means that so long as you did some decent shopping 5 years ago (note: Members Only jackets not applying), you will probably do well today. Probably.

Another problem in recent days is that no matter how cool you are dressed, people will pay attention to how you behave. If you put on the best clothes ever, people will pay less, but still do, attention to how geeky you are, and they will remark it, I remember a few times when despite wearing the same type clothes as others, the same way as others, people would tell me I dress like crap, worse, sometimes i'd wear clothes in a certain way, and people would tell me it sucked, then the local alpha male would start using my ideas, and get laid over 9000 times for his brilliant ideas. It's not all about the clothes, it's about how your character fits in too.

Your style


Time for some introspective bullshit- you need to find out your particular style and work from there. Believe it or not, how you dress is how you appear to other people- those wearing a ankle-length trenchcoat and backwards baseball hat looking radically different than those wearing Underarmor and running around with a football in their hand. With that being said, you need to figure out what you can pull off, and what you cannot.

This is remarkably easy nowadays, purely because you can always fall on looking generic and still looking good. However, the caveat to that is that you will look generic, meaning that standing out will be harder. That, of course, is a bad thing. You want to be the kind of guy that girls spontaneously orgasm over, not the kind that blends in.

So, let's first look at your primary deciding factor- your body type.

Ectomorphs

Ectomorphs are your skinny people who don't gain weight, but don't gain muscle either. If you need a good example, look at the majority of emo bands. The nice thing about being an ectomorph is that you don't have to worry about hiding your body type, but the catch to that is the fact that you will probably never have a very developed body to show off anyway. This body type is nice for girls- but for guys, you will need to try to do something to at least look masculine. Thankfully, you can pull it off with a lot of styles- you're the kind of people that chains like Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch aim for.

Mesomorphs

Mesomorphs are your natural strength people. A good example of this is your average body builder or athlete- muscular, powerful, and generally triangle-shaped. Mesomorphs tend to build muscle easily, and tend to retain it more than other body types. As the showmen Penn and Teller said on their show "Bullshit", it's like winning the gene lottery. However, being a mesomorph is hard- you will have to get used to buying special cut clothing to accommodate broad shoulders and/or big body features. The other issue with being a mesomorph is that you are restricted in your styles- such trendy things as Goth and Emo are completely out of your range.

Endomorphs

If being a Mesomorph is winning the gene lottery, being an Endomorph is losing it. Endomorphs are your naturally fat people- body types that, for one reason or another, have a nasty tendency to put on pounds at the drop of a hat. They are, ironically, close brothers with Mesomorphs in that the body type can build muscle quickly- but that muscle is usually accompanied with unsightly fat. Think of Jack Black or John Goodman- that kind of chubby. But, worry not- believe it or not, if you loosen up your personality and get the right clothing, you can beat out any Mesomorph or Ectomorph without even lifting a finger.

Once you have decided what you are above, you should already have an idea of what you can and cannot do. Mesomorphs should immediately begin focusing on weight training and building up their body- because if they do not, they can get pudgy and fat. Ectomorphs should look into taking advantage of their lack of any heavy weight, and try to wear clothing that looks good on them. Endomorphs, as I mentioned above, should focus on loose clothing, relaxed fit kind of things that make you look like a party kind of guy. Shopping for Ideas

So, hopefully by now, you at least have this abstract vision in your head of what you want to be. However, that's not good enough to justify whipping out your wallet to get clothing. What you need is inspiration and ideas. And you're right on your top source: the interbutt.

The Internet is a great source for style ideas because you can get away with looking fucking everywhere for ideas and not spend too much time doing it. A great place to look for style ideas is, ironically, television channel websites. For those of us in the United States of America, we have a few key places we can check around:

• MTV
• Fox Network
• NBC
• Bravo TV

Personally, I'm the biggest fan of Bravo TV. There is a simple reason- it tends to be the most style-conscious. Bravo TV is a kind of modern YUPPIE television station, which means that you can get an idea of those new city fashion trends. MTV tends to be a good place as well- but of course, the catch to it being that the majority of people shown in their shows being immature and dressing likewise.

Of course, if you're looking for something a lot more detailed, there are a lot of places you can go for straight out help. Depending on your age, you may find GQ a great place to check out. Men's Health Magazine also tends to be a great place to find style tips. While both of these magazines tend to aim to 30-something professionals, they definitely can give you a heads up as to what you can do to look mature and fashionable.

There are a few key questions you need to keep in mind as you browse. Those are:

• "Will I look good like this?"
• "Does this clothing look like it will be stylish for a long time?"
• "Will this attract the kind of girl I would be interested in?"

and of course,

• "Can I afford this kind of style without taking a third mortgage out on my house?"

And once you find it, you should know. Try to remember that something you see that you like may not look good on you. Nonetheless, you should at least find one idea from the above websites, even if it is "I have a lot of work to do". And that's good.

Shopping for Clothing

Shopping for clothing is like shopping for Video Games- you need to know what you're looking for beforehand and stick to your guns. When you walk into a store, you should be able to at least have a few things in mind- what style you're looking for, what you're specifically looking to buy, and how much you're willing to pay for it. See, as good old Anonymous (and presumably male), you can't allow yourself to buy something and then only later realize you fucked up. Failure sucks.

So, with that in mind, get an idea of the stores that are available to you. Stores do indeed send a message. Don't believe me?

• The Gap: Trendy, yet simple and clean.
• Hot Topic: Goth, emo, etc.
• Abercrombie and Fitch: Really rich trendy high schooler/university student with no sense of quality.
• Hollister: Really trendy high schooler/university student. They own Abercrombie and Fitch, too, so basically it's just cheaper Abercrombie and Fitch stuff.
• American Eagle: Trying to keep the trends of A&F and Hollister, but too cheap to pay the price for the real shit.
• Aeropostale: One step above Old Navy.
• Old Navy: The Gap, except much cheaper and much more generic. Basically what every single mother buys her 12 year old.
• Eddie Bauer: More conservative clothing, usually good if you're going for the more professional look.
• Lands End: Decent stuff, more outdoorsy. Nowadays, it's way overboard and tacky.
• The North Face: Dumbass coats. Dumbass coats. Dumbass coats.

You see, even the name/brand that you wear sends a message. It's not the message of WHO you shopped at- it is literally the style that they carry. Wearing something from Hot Topic is the polar opposite of wearing something from Old Navy, no matter how you twist it. I suppose the same thing could be said about Louis Vuitton and Giorgio Armani, but we're all too poor for that shit.

You're probably lost by now. Trust me, no-one in their right mind besides some sort of godly fashion columnist can figure this shit out. All you need to do is walk into any store and look around and get an idea of what's going on inside. Hell, check out the people browsing inside- they probably are wearing some of the clothing already, or at least want to be wearing it.

Super Cool Trick #121

At this point, you probably want an easy way to get clothing without having to deal with all of this different clothing bullshit. There is an easy way to do this- rely on chicks. Yes, actually, women tend to be the best people to defer to on these subjects, because they generally will be able to figure out what makes you better looking. If you have a girlfriend (or a girl who is just a friend), you can definitely ask them. But hey, you probably don't.

That is where you get up your balls and show off some testosterone. Wear decent clothing that makes you look pretty reasonable. Walk into a store with a female employee, and directly say to her "What could I wear that would make you want to date me?". Unless she's busy or a bitch, you will probably get a good answer. Or a phone number, which is even better. Wearing Clothing

There are few ways you can fuck up wearing clothing, but no doubt you need to learn them. Some rules (such as "White after Labor Day") do not really apply anymore, while some (white socks with brown shoes) continue to live to this day. With that being said, these are just the general rules you need to know when picking out "what to wear":

• As mentioned above, No white socks with brown shoes. Just trust me on this one.
• Unless you are wearing formal or semi-formal wear, do not tuck your shirt in ever.
• Do not wear your sweater around your hips, you will look gay.
• Do not wear a shirt and pants that match. Except if they are black.
• Never wear a cell phone on your belt. That is geeky and stupid.
• Unless you're trying to scare off potential dates, do not wear a ring on the third (ring) finger on your left hand. That's where marriage rings go.
• Unless you are on the beach or in a very relaxed setting, do not wear sandals.
• Keep leather shoes clean. Brown leather shoes are awesome and can be used for a ton of things, but they get dirty easily.
• This is obvious: No pocket protectors, suspenders, or basically anything stereotypically geeky. Suspenders with a suit however, is very classy.
• This is less obvious: Try to wear something other than a t-shirt and a pair of pants.
• I will personally kill you if you wear your baseball hat backwards.
• On the topic of hats, hats are to be worn sparingly, otherwise you'll look like a trucker.
• Oh, speaking of truckers, trucker hats will make you look like a MTV tool, but they do fit in some cases.
• Belts should never be tighter than the pants you have on. Buy fitting pants, or risk looking like you wear fucking Depends.
• Do not ever wear a Hawaiian shirt and a undershirt/tank top. You will look like an idiot.
• Sweatpants and sleepwear are only for exercise and sleeping, respectively. Girls and guys who think otherwise are ignorant.
• Wear what you're doing. If you're going on a date, dress semi-formal yet relaxed. If you're going to a concert, band t-shirts are acceptable. Just scale up or down depending on what you plan to do that day.
• Don't be that faggot that wears the band tshirt to that band's concert. It makes you look like a fag.
• Endomorphs, wear an undershirt, and tuck it in. not only does this make loose fitting-clothing seem as intended (loose-fitting), it also prevents several major social-deathtraps. Motion is contained within the undershirt, so "jiggling" is no longer a mortifying issue. Nipples are hidden as well, though you probably shouldn't be wearing a T-shirt that tight in the first place. Tucking in the undershirt (not the overshirt, unless formal) also keeps your ass-crack unseen if you bend over. Don't forget to re-tuck your undershirt after stops to the restroom, or if you start feeling a draft.
• Learn what colors go well together (not only with each other, but with you). Look at a color wheel if you can't figure out that red does not go with green. Complimentary colors, learn them, love them.
• Bandanas hanging out of your ass pocket are cool ONLY if you aren't gangster. Do it if you want to pull off a Guns N Roses kind of vibe. WARNING: Don't do this in a gay area (unless you are, indeed, gay). It's used to identify what kind of sex you're into.

Jewelry and Accessories

As surprising as it may seem, men do have their own lineup of jewelry and accessories. These aren't nearly as varied as what women wear, but the same rules apply for guys as they do for girls. Don't wear your cowry-shell hemp necklace to a funeral, and don't walk around all day with a pocket watch. It just doesn't work. Here are some tips to hopefully get you started.

• Casual Wear: A watch is pretty standard fare. Take your Fate/stay Night watch off and go get a respectable wristwatch for around $50. The Swatch company is a good place to start looking for a low-mid priced timepiece.
• Evening Wear: A night out on the town calls for something a little dressier. A nice watch, and a ring will suffice just fine. A college ring or signet ring is about as fancy as you should get. Leave the limited edition Snoop Dogg pimpgear at home. A ring with a diamond or some other precious stone is acceptable, provided that it isn't gaudy or cheap-looking.
• Formal Wear: Now you can get fancy. Cufflinks, tie clips, and rings are considered standard. A nice pocket watch on a chain shows a slight hint of class that many other people won't have.

Misc Tips and Tricks

• Get women to help you. You wouldn't believe how many girls are willing to jump and assist you with your clothing. It may be a little invasive, but it helps.
• Exercise actually does help your clothing. T-shirts on people with a defined chest look better than someone who has a washboard chest. Having a little muscle makes things better.
• Re-wear jeans and some pants, never shirts. This really depends on how you sweat, but jeans and other "heavy" material pants can be re-worn safely. Just change your shirt- trust me, it will smell no matter what. Plus, you don't want to wear the same exact thing two times in a row. Unless you don't make a lot of money, in which case, this is okay, but for fucks sake, use deodorant.
• If at all possible, wash clothing before you wear it the first time. It gets the "store smell" out of it, as well as makes it softer.
• Wear clear deodorant. Especially with black clothing, white marks can show up. The same thing goes with dandruff- get it fixed. Especially with dark clothing, such things can be noticed.
• If it has an unsightly stain, get rid of it. Jeans do not apply here- but for white shirts or anything formal, just accept that it died. You don't want to look like a greasy trucker.
• Try to avoid shopping online. You can't see the clothes in actuality, you may end up getting something that doesn't fit you, or simply looks dumb on you.
• It might seem odd, but buy a lint roller. It's a must have if you wear black clothes. If you walk around with white spots covering your shirts, not only will you look dirty, but people will assume you have terrible dandruff. You can also wrap clear sticky-tape around your hand with the sticky side outwards and LIGHTLY PAT your shirts, I'd only do this with normal fabric, it might ruin fancy stuff.
• If you wear band shirts, do yourself a fucking favor and buy some fashionable ones. Yes, in fact, they DO exist. Even if you're a straight up banger, buying a classic rock band shirt can spark up a conversation with an interesting chick. A plus with these as they aren't all black, so you don't look like the exact same band bitch every day. Pick up a The Doors, or Jimi Hendrix shirt at Walmart for like 10 dollars. Maybe a cute girl will perhaps mention that she love Jim Morrison and his poetry. Let's face it, most girls don't listen to Cannibal Corpse.