The Return of the Well Cultured Anonymous/Alcoholic Anonymous

Hello from a very sauced up /b/tard! I go to a large public university in California where there is little else to do except for tipping cows, surf /b/, and, you guessed it - getting drunker than Dionysus. Think about it - you put a bunch of kids together, fresh out of their teens and legal to buy alcohol, and take away the parents and inhibitions, fun, hilarity, and sex with slutty girls will ensue. If you are underage b&, GTFO, and if a promising, bright future with plenty of monies wont motivate you to earn the grades to get into college, let the promise of 4 drunken and hungover years with plenty of hot women and freedom from parents be your driving force! Now then - on with the article. When alcohol and culture meet, worlds collide. In between, strange new drinks are made. Humans have been consuming alcohol for centuries and granted - alcohol isn't exactly ambrosia and nectar, I will even go as far as to say that I would rather put shit in my mouth than drink Everclear with nothing mixed in. Think of mixed drinks as the sugar coating outside a very bitter pill. There are thousands of drink recipes out there to lubricate the intoxication process - and people are inventing them everyday, no harm in getting a little creative yourself now and then, this article will cover the basics and the rest is up to you, cultured anonymous.

General stuff

First - A warning. If you have been drinking, do NOT drive or operate heavy machinery, or put the lives of others in danger. Being caught drunk driving (especially if you are underage) will incur heavy fines, possible revoking of your license, possible jail time or having to go to court, as well as damage your reputation immensely and if you did end up hurting someone, the guilt will follow you a life time. Just look at Leif Garrett, and where he was in the 70s and where he is now. DO NOT WANT.

Now then - knowing how to mix all sorts of drinks is a definite sign of class and refinement (read: attractive to women), being the bartender for a shindig makes you one of the centers of the party, everyone will flock towards you to get drinks. It is a VERY sexy skill to have. Or if alone - knowing how to mix a proper drink for a proper mood or setting will add to your appreciation of that mood or setting. The basic items needed to mix drinks

The Kit


First you need to buy or assemble a bartending kit, usually they will look like the one in the picture above, fancy kits go up to about 50 dollars but if you wash it and take good care of it, its good enough to last a lifetime. (Luckily alcohol, mixers and juices are all water soluble, soap isn't necessary, just a good rinsing and drying). Here is a brief description of what each item is and what they do.

1. Large Shaker - This is what you will do most of the mixing in, you add the ingredients, ice (if required), shake, and pour.
2. Small shaker - While not completely necessary, it is handy to have a spare lying around, also useful for making smaller amounts.
3. Speed Pourer Caps - This handy device is meant to be fitted on top of a bottle of liquor (Hard liquor only, NEVER put on top of a wine bottle or beer bottle), allows for fast pouring, and minimizing the mess.
4. Ice Scoop - Self explanatory, can be used for other things.
5. Handheld Strainer - Apply to fruits, get fruit juice.
6. Mixing Spoon - Self explanatory as well - DO NOT USE FOR ANYTHING ELSE. And do not substitute it with a regular eating spoon, there is a reason for this, will poast once i remember.
7. Bottle Opener - Self explanatory.
8. Corkscrew - For wines.
9. Mixing glass - Use instead of shaker when required.

Some kits contain other items but these are the basics, whatever else they include is likely self explanatory.

Other useful items to have

• Drink Recipe Book - Its good to know the common ones by heart, but just for reference.
• Blender
• Specific bar glassware (moar on this below)
• Colorful bendy straws - Women seem to dig these.
• Knives - Protection from drunks and to cut fruits
• Measuring cups and volumetric conversion table - Usually included with most bar sets, very very useful to have.

Glassware

First of all - picture this: You are at a college frat party, partygoers include morons, and whores, while this may be a very fun party, it is not very classy and cultured. The same plastic red cups are used for water, beer, other alcohol, beer pong, urine, and puke, there probably isn't a bartender, just pour it yourself, creating a huge mess, and having to clean it up the next morning while sporting a sharp hangover. The cultured anonymous does not embrace this style of drinking. As a bartender, it's important to uphold the classiness of the social gathering. It may be impractical to buy all the glassware listed, but it certainly wouldn't hurt to know them, just for informational purposes, I realize the drawings are a bit crude and some of the glasses look alike, but it was the best jpeg I could find. I will bold which ones are essential.


1. Collins - Tall and slender holding 10 to 14 oz, used for the drinks with the greatest liquid volumes. Sometimes frosted.
2. Shot - The common shot glass holds 1 1/2 oz. An actual "shot" glass may vary from 1 to 2 oz. A "pony shot" glass is 1 oz. A VERY useful container to have, as a lot of drink recipe manuals ask that you measure the liquors in shots.
3. Highball - Similar shape to the Collins glass but shorter and fatter of 8 to 12 oz.
4. Old-Fashioned - The short, wide "on the rocks" glass holding 6 to 9 oz. Used for drinking various unmixed drinks with ice.
5. Beer Mug - The standard mug holding 12 to 34 ozs.
6. Beer Pilsner - The tall, wide beer glass holding 16 ozs.
7. Irish Coffee Glass - The common 8 to 12 oz coffee mugs.
8. Pousse Cafe - A narrow glass essentially used for Pousse Cafés and other layered dessert drinks. approx. 6 ounces.
9. Parfait - This glass comes in various shapes. The stem keeps the ice cream from melting quickly. approx.12 ozs.
10. Red Wine - A stemmed round bowled 9 to 14 oz glass. Typically has a larger bowl than white wine glasses, to trap more of the wine's aroma.
11. White Wine - The standard 6 to 8 oz "white wine" style glass.
12. Sherry - This small narrow stemmed glass is the choice for Aperitifs (Dessert Wine), Ports, and Sherry, approx. 2 ozs.
13. Champagne Flute - 4 to 6 oz stemmed specialty glass.
14. Brandy Snifter - Usually 3, 6, 10 or 12 oz. The 6 oz size is most common. Can be used as substitute for the drinks that call for a shot glass.
15. Cocktail - Very versatile stemmed glass used for "straight up" drinks like the cream drinks and martinis. Sizes range from 3 to 6 oz but the 4 oz is the most common size. The larger 6 ounce saucer style is used for margaritas and frozen drinks. The 4 oz "V" shaped ones are commonly used for martinis.
16. Cordial or Pony - About 1 to 2 oz for some shot type drinks, liqueurs and layered delights.
17. Whiskey Sour - This is a stemmed, wide opening glass, alike to a small version of a champagne flute, approx. 5 ozs.
18. Hurricane - A tall, elegantly cut glass named after it's hurricane-lamp-like shape, used for exotic/tropical drinks. Size: 15-16 ounces.

Note: In the United Kingdom, the standard measure of beer is one imperial pint, which is 20 oz. (versus the 16 oz. American pint). You will be viewed as a lightweight for ordering half-pints without good reason (such as driving)

Situations that call for mixed drinks

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Mixing Basic Drinks:

• Martini: One of the most basic mixed drinks in existence. Pour gin, add vermouth (dry white), receive Martini. Garnish is commonly an olive or lemon slice.
• Vesper: for all you Bond-wannabees who will ask for a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, this is the real name. It is traditionally made with gin, vodka, and Kina Lillet. The latter is now replaced by Lillet Blanc due to it's unavailability. Use a lemon slice for garnish.

Useless Fact: Ian Flemming, of Bond fame, invented the Vesper in the Casino Royale novel.

Mixing More pretentious Drinks

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Protips for the host or bartender

• Designated driver is a must, for taking people home or going on liquor runs if your stuff goes dry.
• If you are the one serving others at a party, exercise best judgment when serving, keep a mental tab on how many drinks everyone had, stop serving a person if he or she is stumbling around on the verge of passing out.
• Maintain order if possible, if it is your place, you have every right to demand a person to leave the party if he or she is (including but not limited to) pissing off the other guests, breaking shit on purpose, or being a gigantic douchebag, BUT make sure that person has some way to get home safely, call a cab or enlist the services of the designated driver.
• Keep bottled water handy, thirst is a natural part of alcohol consumption.
• Like thirst, puking is a very normal part of drinking alcohol. Keep trashbags handy for pukers.
• If a person requests to crash at your place, let them. Better safe than sorry.

Protips for guests

• Don't drive to a party where you know you will be drinking.
• When ordering drinks, be patient, you will get it.
• Some people turn into angry drunks, avoid the angry drunks. If you know you are an angry drunk, try to keep it in check.
• Smoke outside if you enjoy a nicotine kick along with alcohol