The Great Tard War
Originally posted on /b/ on the last day of January 2015, this complete story, as well as the reactions of its audience, has been archived and preserved on 4archive. Now, the chapters are reposted here on the Bibliotheca Anonoma. Any grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and usage of "colloquial language" have been kept in solely for archival purposes. No views expressed in the following passages necessarily reflect those of the archivists here at Bibliotheca Anonoma.
- 1 Prologue
- 2 Chapter 1 - The Powder Keg
- 3 Chapter 2 - Fuel
- 4 Chapter 3 - The Spark
- 5 Chapter 4 - Rising
- 6 Chapter 5 - Storming the Gates
- 7 Chapter 6 - War Changes
- 8 Chapter 7 - The Chosen One
- 9 Chapter 8 - Losing the War
- 10 Chapter 9 - Aftermath
- 11 Chapter 10 - Salt In It
- 12 Chapter 11 - Hard Target
- 13 Chapter 12 - Sunrise
- 14 Final Chapter - Decimation
January 31st, 2015 - 20:17:35 UTC - Post No. 595748550
Alright you, I've never done this before, but I'm fucking pissed as hell about life and feel I should share this story with you. I find it odd that its taken 10 years and no of the fucking fags I knew in middle school have posted this story.
But I just became single and feel like taking it out on people who made life a living hell once upon a time and were given great justice.
Strap the fuck in as this might take a while.
So /b/, I wish to tell you the legendary story of the Great Tard War.
Chapter 1 - The Powder Keg
20:23:47 - Post No. 595749328
To know where this story is going to go, you need to know the setting. My middle school was essentially a square, with 4 main hallways all linked together. The front was where everyone came in, the opposite hall that ran parallel to it was linked to the cafeteria. The two other halls linking these and running parallel were for special class (art, cooking and shit) and regular academic classes (math, reading shit).
But buried far back near the cafeteria and between the 2 main halls were the tards. These werent just tards, these were any fucker who no one didnt want around, and was populated by the worst dregs of humanity. Luckily, because their room was buried in the back, a seniority effect took place.
You see, from the front hall all the on back, the older the students got. So basically, 6th grace was at the front of the school, 8th in the back; so the 8th graders with EXP boosts would almost always be the first to see and deal with the tards.
Chapter 2 - Fuel
20:32:14 - Post No. 595750509
Keep paying attention, this shit is boring but important.
There was an old hag of a woman who controlled the tards who we called 'Monitor.' She was the mean, and treated her tards like little special shits their parents thought they were. Whenever you saw a tard, she would single you out and yell at you for staring at them.
But deep down it was clear she knew how dangerous these little fucks were. FOR YOU SEE /B/, there was only one bathroom in the entire school that was considered tard proof, and it was all the fucking way in the front of the school. So the tards, if they had to shit, would be wrangled up and dragged through the academic halls causing all hell.
Luckily, the old bitch knew how adnerous they were and would only take them out in between periods; so encounters with them were extremely rare as rumor had it, the tards destroyed their own special tard bathroom and had to use an industrially secure bathroom located in front.
Then things fucking changed, for our school was being torn down to build a new one to make things more 'multicultural.' The old monitor bitch was retiring, and we got a socially repressed liberal to replace her who was going to be assisted by all teachers and staff to accept the tards as equal.
New liberal bitch, who we shall call Libby, made one change immediately: which was to have tards interact with fellow students by taking them to the bathroom while class changed so they could interact with the rest of us.
Okay, now you can start paying attention again.
Chapter 3 - The Spark
20:42:54 - Post No. 595751968
The fateful day came early, while everyone changed classes, the tards were unleashed to make the long hard walk from their den of tard-dom to the secure bathroom in the 6th grade area. As Libby found the tards to be gentle giants, tard-wrangler support was lax. Instead of the previous protocol, which was to have tards handled the entire way, wranglers would just leaving the fucking tards outside the bathroom.
But some tards are not all created equal. A kid named Mark was at his locker opposite the tard while everyone passed, but Mark made the mistake of ignoring them. One downy kid just stood there, staring at Mark as he desperately tried to ignore the horrors lurking behind him. And then, the down kid took a small squat and his face grew red as he dropped a log onto the floor below him.
As tards are to do, the downy kid picked up said turd of mysteries and crossed the forbidden line to Mark and began smearing his shit all over his backpack. Mark, unknowing the ungodly situation, turn slowly only to have shit smeared in his face.
He screamed, and punched the downy kid, to which he let out a tard yell of thunder and began smashing Mark's skull into his locker. Blood and shit everywhere, the other tards yelped in fascination as they had never seen one of their kind engage in such a beautifully violent act.
They fought for 5 minutes, until some Libby showed up and separated them. It was only then we got to see the damage as marks face was covered in shit, the tard's in blood. Libby claimed that Mark initiated the fight and that the staff had to seriously protect the tards from the dangers of the rest of the school. Mark was suspended and had to take antibiotic for the poisonous shit. The tard lost a tooth.
But this was no the end, something horrible changed in these tards.
Chapter 4 - Rising
20:52:53 - Post No. 595753552
In the chapter on setting, I mentioned the school was being torn down and rebuilt. The strategy was to rebuild over useless football stadium, transfer everyone there, tear down old school, then build new stadium over that.
Now a few more details that are kind of necessary. This all happened in the South, where fears of being fucking too conservative mattered more than practicality. Which meant apart from stupid shit like Libby, the school was more than happy to make the worst fucking decisions in favor of political correctness.
So, and this is the important bit, Hispanics, niggers, and asians were given no shit for their 'culture.' The only opt you had if you were white was to claim depression over your heritage. So people and their activities were largely ignored. Niggers sold drugs in bathrooms, hispanics had sex, white would get high, and asians would operate some shit loan sharking on homework questions. Basically the entire racial stability of the school hinged on the activities in the bathrooms.
This is where the war goes from a tard smearing shit into someone face to it becoming an all out war of niggers/spicks/asians/whites vs. tards. For you see, as the new school was slowly built, classrooms would be opened for students to use while parts of the old school would be destroyed. And the first students to get use of this new school were the tards.
At first, this was great, fuck the tards, let them have the new shit and leave us alone. Libby demanded tards get it first. Then, an announcement one day: no more bathrooms.
For you see /b/, in the minds of these tards, they had realized that they as primitive beast must make a mark for all to see to make claims on the things they believe is theres; like pissing on a tree, or cumming in a woman to make claim.
The tards elected to rip and entire fucking sink out of a wall in the new school.
Chapter 5 - Storming the Gates
20:59:07 - Post No. 595754350
The principle threw a fit and demanded a halt to all bathroom activities without supervision. The entire underworld economy ground to a fucking halt. No one in their right mind would compromise such a lucrative out grove; except for the tards.
Everyone was pissed, and the tards were wrangled back into the regular system, although Libby still dragged their asses through the halls to shit, everyone learned to hate them. All the races and creeds set aside their differences to do everything in their power to ruin these tards. Downy kids had glasses stolen, aspies had shit thrown at them, and everyone would walk by the tards and would shout 'HURDUR' at them. Obviously pissing them off, but in the rabble of a shitty middle school, they couldnt do anything.
Tard wranglers couldnt do shit, because everyone covered everyone else. It was a good way of getting back at them for fucking up everything.
Chapter 6 - War Changes
21:05:04 - Post No. 595755113
One day, during the cold, dry winter days, the war changed. Heroes emerged among the tards to rally and stop us. These were known as The Black Turds.
They got this name from the pure black of the shit they produced from eating nothing but crackers and carrots. 4 of the most horrible looking downy kids you;ve ever seen, who secretly carry shit among their fellow tards and quietly toss into a crowd of students like a hand grenade. Obviously, Libby wasnt going to stop taking the tards to the bathroom just for that, and blamed the shit show on us harassing the tards. The principle changed the rules back to the Monitor's way of doing things so they had less contact. So peace broke out.
The Black Turds operations involved leaving shit in water fountains, and on door handles. After a while, no one opened them. During lunch, students threw things at the tards and still did the HURS, but to little effect. Soon the Janitorial staff caught on, and 'code oranges,' which was the signal for a shit in the hallway became a norm.
We were, for a little while, able to contain the Black Turds by working janitors to sanitize their messes. But it only lasted so long.
Chapter 7 - The Chosen One
21:13:16 - Post No. 595756342
Jeffries was a dangerous, short downy kid you wouldnt think anything of. It was rumored he wasnt really a tard, but a high functioning autist that was just bounced around from school to school for various reasons. When he showed up, he took control of the Black Turds in secret. But he earned their trust another way.
During lunch, Jeffries was able to escape his wranglers and wander the halls, new to this forgone realm, he encountered strange humanoid creatures of a female variety. To a tard, these creatures HURRED him, and Jeffries had to assume dominance over their lives. He returned to his tard wranglers victorious by ripping out hard and a shirt from a girl.
Libby of course, did jack shit and claimed the girl he victimized were harassing him while he explored. But in reality, he had become the alpha tard, commander of the black turds. He slowly managed to earn the wrangler's and Libby's trust by volunteering to lead his Black Turds to tard proof bathroom without assistance. Libby thought she had won a fucking Nobel Prize, as finally, a tard who understands!
The Black Turds under Jeffries changed their plans by leaving only logical shits in every bathroom they could find. Ruining the still desperately operating underground economy by throwing shit all over the bathroom, black as ink, and smelling as if God himself had abandoned us.
Libby brushed these off as accidents, and code oranges became the norm.
Chapter 8 - Losing the War
21:21:54 - Post No. 595757540
Jeffries became a target, it was obvious if we broke him, the black turds would fall with their leader. The plan involved a water balloon filled with piss and cum that would be thrown at him.
This assassination attempt was carried out in early spring, when hot piss and cum would smell most awful. A nignog kid was to carry out the hit, as he was in trouble to begin with and had been hit hardest by the closing of the bathrooms. His entire trade had collapsed, and he was out for revenge. During lunch, under cover of commotion, he walked by Jeffries and struck. The balloon hit its mark, but fell onto Jeffries lunch while the nigger ran for cover from the wranglers in charge. Jefrries let out a scram as if to summon his hoard for battle, but the opposite happened. Screams stopped, whooping stopped, silence. IT was as if Jeffries through his tardom had complete control, and was letting us all know.
The nignog was suspended, fucker. And we would see the fruits of his failure the next day when the heat reached its highest point.
I myself was returning from an outdoor gym class when the fire alarms went off. People were flooding from out of the school, covering their noses. Janitors were being called for with an emergency code orange. All classes were suspended for an entire hour before we all knew what happened.
Jeffries and his black turd team had done their worst.
Chapter 9 - Aftermath
21:29:03 - Post No. 595758542
The lockers at my school had little slits on them, I dont know why. But these small slits were Jeffries' target. He and his black turd team had shoved shit into every locker they could find. Liquid shit was sprayed into lower lockers. And when they ran out, they ran up and down the main academic hall covering locker faces with whatever shit they had left. The entire 7th grade hallway was sealed temporarily as the lockers had to be disinfected.
But this wasnt the end. All lockers were then to be immediately cleaned without noticed to check for any shit that might still be in them. Contraband from the niggers drug trade was found, condoms, pron, everything, causing mass suspensions. Any items within the lockers that had shit in them was thrown away, regardless of their condition.
We lost the war, as Jeffries and his black turds had just another accident and couldnt hold it in. The various leaders of our forces were defeated, Jeffries had won. Libby defended them, and there was nothing we could do.
Chapter 10 - Salt In It
21:36:05 - Post No. 595759505
We had lost, everyone had been forced to accept the tards control as law, Jeffries was a mad king. But then that day came.
One day it began to rain. I was in gym with the tards. Gym was specially segregated by class, there being 4 classes, one for each grade, and 1 for the tards. Usually separated, but not today. For because it was raining, we were all trapped inside. What batter game to play in gym than a 4 class wide game of dodgeball?
Let me introduce Ignacio. Ignacio was a quiet spick who had no engaged in any anti-tard activities, but had been personally victimized. All his hard done school work was thrown away when his locker was filled with shit. Just another causality of the Great Tard War. But today was his day, and he took opposite side to Jeffries.
During the game, Jeffries was bounding around like the tad he was, as he expected no one would dare harm him knowing full well the revenge he would unleash. Ignacio didnt have anything to lose here.
Chapter 11 - Hard Target
21:42:39 - Post No. 595760514
It was in this moment of the chaos of a school wide dodgeball that Ignacio found his target. The rage of nearly failing some of his classes and knowing that his possessions had been covered in shit had brought him and Jeffries here. He acquired a ball, and homed in.
Jeffries, was jumping around on one leg, oblivious. Ignacio threw his ball with the fury of an angry Thor. It flew with such grace and speed, that it ignited the very oxygen is passed. It caught Jeffries in the off leg while he jumping, knocking him off balance and sending him face first into the cold wood floor of the gym.
It was in this moment that he slowly began to raise his head to sound the tard alarm or screeches and pain. But within the space of this time of going down and rising; Ignacio acquired another ball and let this fly. With the force of a rail gun, it flew, the time was perfect, as Jeffries was only a second away from releasing a tard scream of pain that the ball smashed into his face, shattering his glasses, and sending him face first back into hell.
Chapter 12 - Sunrise
21:47:30 - Post No. 595761209
Some who had witnessed the event stood in shock and awe, while the less observant continued the game. It was as if all the good in the world had finally returned. And then a pool of blood formed under Jeffries mangled body.
The game immediately stopped. The gym teachers and tard wranglers had been off their game today. Too content knowing things were to set themselves correctly. The black turd team which had ruined everything we held dear were in awe at their fallen leader.
Finally a wrangler noticed that the balls had stopped flying, and there was Jeffries. He immediately ran to his aide, shooing everyone away, paramedic were called, the rain stopped, and Jeffries was taken away.
A gleam of sunshine fell upon that magnificent chariot of an ambulance as it took away the shattered remains of one so horrible.
Final Chapter - Decimation
21:53:17 - Post No. 595762101
Jeffries had a broken nose. That's fucking it. But his mommy ordered an investiagtion of the school, and wouldnt you know it, some shit flew.
Jeffries was removed, as he was considered too dangerous for normal humans, and the black turds could no longer hold together without their leader. Police found and dismessed various assault charges, vandalism, etc. But did find an odd security tape hidden with Libby. For you see /b/, in the paranoia of the school, a series of cameras were installed which showed that the tards were responsible for tearing out the sink in the new school. Libby had hidden this evidence, and was fired. Bitch
The old school was torn down, all students were moved to the new one. EXCEPT THE FUCKING TARDS. They were placed in special tard quarantine outside school in what basically amounted to a shed near the football field. Their bathroom became a series of left over outhouses from the workers.
And not a single person ratted Ignacio out, he shall go on a legend in my heart.
Hope you enjoyed /b/.