Pools Closed Novel
The Amazingly awesome original book by Anonymous!
Pool's Closed - A Novel of Epic Proportions
My name is Bologai Stewards. I am dead due to a tragic misunderstanding. How did my life get twisted upside down? Well it all started a few weeks back... I had just parked in the lot of Habbo Hotel. A few days before I had booked a room, as I had to stay in the city for a business conference. I walked into the lobby, and was met by the eyes of everyone. I don't think I'm very ugly, or odd looking. I'm a 6'2" black man, and at the time of the event, I was wearing a suit and an afro, but for some reason, this got everybody's attention. I walked up to the counter and said to the clerk "I have a reserved room under Bologai Stewards." She stared at me for a moment, and then asked "Is this some kind of joke?" "No joke, ma'am. On Monday I booked a room for myself under Bologai Stewards. I should be in the records." She paused, and then turned to her computer and began typing. I glanced at the screen as she stopped. Sure enough, my name was on there. She turned back to me, "May I see some ID?" I gave her every form of identification I had on me, and she still seemed suspicious of me. I thought nothing of it, identity theft must've been common in the area. At last she called a guard to direct me to my room. Now THAT's service!
After I arrived in my room, I looked at my watch. There wasn't a lot of traffic on the way into the city, so I had arrived several hours earlier than the meeting was scheduled. I thought it would be a good idea to go up to the rooftop to relax in the pool. The rooftop was a lively place, which made it hard to navigate through the crowds. As I crawled through the crowds, I noticed an official looking man approaching the pool. He tipped his sunglasses down to get a better view of things, and then removed a small vial from his pocket. He held the vial over the pool, and then popped the lid off, pouring a red liquid into the pool. Now, I've swimmed in pools before, and I've seen chlorine. That was NOT chlorine that man was putting in the pool. It was the same red liquid my wife died of a few years earlier. AIDs. "THE POOL HAS AIDS!" I screamed as I began running after the man. He quickly noticed me and vanished into the frantic crowds. "EVERYONE OUT OF THE POOL! THE POOL HAS AIDS!" In minutes, security guards had grabbed me and escorted me to my room, where more hotel workers awaited me. A businessman put down his comb and turned to me, "Why did you put the AIDs in the pool, Mr.Stewards?" I shook my head. "Lawd no! I didn't put that AIDs in the pool! But I saw who did!" The businessmen whispered to eachother, and then turned back to me. "Describe this man, please, Mr.Stewards." I let it all out. "He was a tall man, a little bit shorter than me. He had spiky blonde hair and sunglasses. He was wearing a blue suit that kind of looked like mine, but with no tie. He was wearing navy pants and shiny black shoes with no laces!" A smug voice boomed from behind me. "Someone like me?"
I turned around. It was him. The man that tried to kill the people in the pool."THAT'S HIM! THAT'S THE MAN THAT PUT THE AIDS IN THE POOL!!" The businessmen and security guards stared at me, and then shook their heads. "Mr.Stewards, the man you just accused of putting AIDs in the pool is the OWNER of Habbo Hotel." I froze. This was not possible. "Why would he try to kill his own paying customers? We do not take kindly to such rude and baseless accusations here at Habbo Hotel, sir, and I am going to have to ask you to leave!" I turned back to the owner, still bearing that sickening smug grin. He calmly turned to his aquaintences and said "Relax, gentlemen. He's just a stupid nigger." That was it. I had lost all control. I charged at the man and began hitting him with all of my strength. The guards struggled to pull me off of him, but finally managed to tackle me to the floor. The owner crawled back up and wiped the blood from his lip. "Habbo Hotel does not stand for accusations or attacks against it's staff. Guards, remove him immediately." The guards dragged me out of my room and into the elevator. They had fun kicking me in the stomach in there. After we arrived in the lobby, they dragged me out and tossed me in the gutter unconcious. I awoke some time later, in what appeared to be a hospital. I looked at the beds around me, but only one was occupied. The poor sap was in a full body cast. I crawled out of bed and looked around. It seemed a bit odd for a hospital to have so many beds lined up next to eachother with nothing dividing them. I opened the door, and saw a mirror image behind it. The mirror image spoke. "You okay, nigra?"
I fell back in shock, as I realized that it was not a mirror, but a man dressed exactly like me. He walked into the room, followed by two other exact replicas of myself. They looked down at me as I froze in shock. Who were these people? Why were they all dressed like me? Was I dead? Had I gone insane? Before I could begin to answer the questions, two of them helped me up. "The head Fro wants to see you." They helped me out of the room and down a hallway, and then left me in front of a door, wishing me good luck. I opened the door and walked in, to be greeted by ANOTHER afroed man in a suit! "You don't look familiar. Are you a new recruit?" I stared in confusion. New recruit to what? He read my confusion and moved on, "Do you know who did this to you?" I explained everything to him, from when I first entered the building to when I got thrown out. He nodded the whole time, not interrupting me at all. After I had finished, he paused for a moment, and then stood up. "Pool's closed due to AIDs."I shook my head and explained that while the pool did have AIDs, it wasn't closed. He shook his head and pulled a gun out of a drawer on his desk. "It is now." Alarms began wailing all around the building, and hundreds of clones stormed through the halls. I stood in amazement, marveling their coordination, speed and teamwork. I had temporarily forgotten how confused I was, until one of them tossed a machine gun at me saying "YO HOMES TO BEL AIR!" Before I could question it, I was pushed outside by the raging crowd, moving like a school of fish. There were numerous vans outside, all with their backs open, and men began crawling into them chanting "PARTYVAN PARTYVAN PARTYVAN" in a strangely eager voice. One of the men from earlier grabbed me by the tie and pulled me into the van he was in. He spun his gun like a flag chanting with pride and joy, just like everyone else. The doors closed shut behind us, and then I heard the engine revving. Where were we going? Why did I have a gun? Why are we in these vans? Why are they chanting? Why is everyone so damn happy?
A few minutes later (after nearly suffering a heart attack from the drivers reckless speeding) the door opened again, and my questions were sadly answered. I was back in front of Habbo Hotel, only now it was being charged at by hundreds of fuzzy headed men with machine guns screaming "POOL'S CLOSED DUE TO AIDS!" Not knowing what to do, I followed the others and, almost by instinct, began shouting "POOL'S CLOSED" along with them. I entered the lobby to find it extremely different than what I had witnessed a few hours earlier. The once calm and peaceful square was now populated with these men, attacking and shooting everyone who wasn't with them. As I turned around I saw a man with a golf club preparing to swing at me. I didn't know wut to do, but in the panic, my finger slipped down on the trigger and fired. The man fell dead to the floor, but I did not have time to feel bad for what I had done. I heard sirens and, collectively, all of us realized the cops had arrived. The fros began running up stairs and into elevators, and not wanting to be banned, I followed. I didn't have to think this time about where they were heading.
The elevator door began to open. Through the light I could see people talking and swimming in the pool. The pool. The pool must be closed. Pool's closed due to AIDs. Before the door had finished opening, I squeezed through and began shooting. "POOL'S CLOSED DUE TO AIDS!" People began screaming in fear and running away. The owner (who I presumed had just finished delivering another dose of AIDs to the now closed pool) quickly fled. The other brothers could close the hotel, I had more important things to shoot. I ran back down to the lobby, which I had just remembered was full of cops. I must've forgotten about it. That's probably because that information wasn't important. "HOTEL'S CLOSED DUE TO AIDS! EVERYBODY FUCKIN' OUT!" I made short work of the cops, and the fros they were holding thanked me with a shake of the head and a bob of the fro, and ran upstairs to join the others. I leaped over the counter and noticed someone moving on the floor. It was the clerk who waited on me earlier today. I crouched down and stared at her. She tried to talk, but I already knew she was trying to ask for help. I held her hand and said "I'm going to help you. I want you to hold this and never let go. Do you understand?" She nodded. I pulled a grenade out of my pocket and handed it to her. I pulled the pin out, smiled, and said "YO HOMES SMELL YOU LATER!"
I entered the employees only area. I didn't bother to close the door, as it was going to be destroyed in a few seconds anyway. I looked around the room, and quickly noticed an opened door. I walked into it, and a bullet flew by my ear. I looked down to see one of the businessmen from before hiding behind an overturned desk pointing a gun at me. I stared at him, and lifted my gun up to face him. He began sweating as he held his fingers over the trigger. I lowered my gun and backed out of the room. "Leave the hotel now and you will be spared." He crawled out from behind his desk and inched toward the door, not lifting his fingers from the trigger of his gun. As soon as he was out of the door, he turned and ran out to the lobby. The grenade went off. I searched the entire floor and had no luck finding the owner. I went out of the hotel and sat on the back of one of the vans. He had gotten away. "Bobba that.." As soon as the words left my mouth, the car began rumbling. The brothers surely wouldn't be leaving this soon! I opened the front of the trunk and saw the owner of Habbo Hotel at the wheel. I opened my mouth to gasp, but then stopped. He hadn't noticed me yet. I closed the door and sat, silently following him in the van. The car stopped a few moments later, and I got out of the van to find myself in front of a familiar cabin. It was the place that I woke up in! The Fro HQ! What was he doing here? He answered my question by pulling out a container of kerosine and a flamethrower.
It was my time to shine, as I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. "Eat my shittingdicknipples." I swung at him, and he jumped back. He smiled as he pulled a handgun from his pocket. "You cannot get AIDs from a virtual swim." "Like hell you can't, bobba." I reached into my pocket, only to realize I had left all of my weapons back at the Hotel. He read my expression and his grin grew wider. "Looks like you're gonna get permabanned." I smirked, "O rly?" He laughed, as if I had just told a joke. "Ya rly" he grinned, as he pulled the trigger. The bullet hit my chest, and blood wet my suit. I fell to the ground. His laughing ceased as I crawled back to my feet. I held my chest and smiled at him, "I'mma chargin mah lazors." He screamed in fear and began shooting wildly. An instant before a stray bullet collided with the kerosene can, time seemed to stop. "I'mma firin' mah lazors."
Luckily the fros had prepared for such an attack, so only a small portion of their building was destroyed, along with the owner of Habbo Hotel and myself. I opened my eyes to see a castle floating in white nothingness. I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.
Pool's Closed 2 - Return to Candy Mountain (Incomplete)
Now this is the story all about how my afterlife got twist-turned upside down, now I'd like to take a minute, have a seat, /b/, I'll tell you how I became the Prince of Eternity. For those of you who aren't dead, let me fill you in a bit. I am Bologai Stewards, permanant resident of Bel-Air AKA Heaven. I died a few weeks back trying to save the people of Habbo Hotel from AIDs. Sadly, none of the other b& brothers are up here with me, as they fought for fun, and I fought for safety. Although I'll admit I got a little carried away, God said it was animal instinct. After all, you don't see packs of wolves cuddling eachother after they attack. Little cuddly wolves, who kiss your booboos after they rip your arm off. ...Cu-cute anime wolves with huge emotional eyes that drop a tear of joy when they see you're okay, even though they're the ones that just ripped your arm off because you stole their land. Yeah fuck that shit, thank God none of that is up here in Bel-Air. But what is Hell, you ask, if Heaven is Bel-Air? Well, unlike Bel-Air, Hell is easily accessible by anyone, even if they're still alive. There are two Hells, actually, gurochan and fchan. Gurochan is for sins of violence and Fchan is for sins of adultery and greed. Beastiality, too. The regular users of gurochan and fchan are damned souls or devils. Everyone else is just a living person going there to laugh at them.
But I'm straying too far off subject. I was given a chance to speak to you living people for a reason, so I better hurry up and get to the point. Bel-Air isn't all butterflies and rainbows flying out of peoples ears; gurochan and fchan, as well as the other subdivisions of Hell (there are millions of them, and you can figure out what they are with a few google searches you'd wish you hadn't typed in) frequently attack us. We only fight in self-defense, but when we do, we kick ass and take names, much like that guy in charge of...Microsoft or something. Hideo Kojima? But a few days back something happened that not even Uncle Phil could see coming. It was a peaceful day in Bel-Air, and I was chilling out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and shooting some b-ball outside by the pool. From the pool, my new friend George Zimmer watched and cheered as I slam dunked the ball into the hoop. George Zimmer was an optimisitic and very eccentric man, always guaranteeing things with his dapper suits. As the sun began to set, George Zimmer took his leave and I spent a few more minutes trying to perfect my moves.
As I put my ball away I noticed a mysterious cloaked man walking toward the pool, I called to him "POOL'S CLOSED, SIR!" He looked at me, and then turned back to the pool and jumped in. I walked toward the pool calling "SIR, THE POOL IS CLOSED. I AM LEAVING AND YOU CAN'T USE THE POOL ALO-" I stopped talking as I looked down at the pool to find nobody in it. I swam through the pool for at least 10 minutes, and I did not find any evidence that the robed man had ever even touched it. Then I remembered that this was Bel-Air and people have special powers here, so I shrugged it off and went home. I was wakened the next morning by my cell phone going off. A midi loop of "Cotton Eye Joe" blared in my ear. I slowly flipped the phone open and greeted the caller with a grunt. "HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE, THE POOL HAS AIDS. I GUARANTEE IT." I quickly flew out of bed and asked if he was joking. "HABEEB IT. WHEN I SAY I GUARANTEE IT, I GUARANTEE IT!" I whistled for a cab and when it came near the liscense plate said "FRESH" and then it exploded. I could worry about that later, but for now my prime concern was the pool.
I found a large crowd gathered around the pool, blocked off by George Zimmer's pulsating pool protecting phallus. When he noticed me, he turned around, knocking over several dozen people in the process. "THANK GOODNESS YOU ARE HERE. I'M NOT SURE HOW THIS AIDS GOT HERE, BUT I'D BET MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE THAT HABBO HOTEL HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT. I'M PRETTY SURE OF IT!" I slapped him, "The George Zimmer I know isn't pretty sure of things! THE GEORGE ZIMMER I KNOW GUARANTEES THINGS!" I suggested he take out his problems on a teenage girl staring at the pool. As he stuck his succulent stress stopper in the screaming lady, I investigated. From what I could make out, the pool had AIDs in it. As I looked into the pool I noticed something moving in the bottom. I grabbed a nearby Longcat and lowered him into the water. As I pulled him out, I saw in his mouth, the same cloak that the mysterious figure had worn the night before. Bobba...
Five search parties set off at 9AM, one led by me, one by Zimmer, one by Samuel L. Jackson, one by Grin Man and one by Anonymous. As I searched the mansion, one of the members of my group stopped me and asked "Why does Grin Man like to Grin?" His question gave me a shocking realization. Grin Man likes to Grin because he sucks cocks, that's why he's called Cockmongler. Before he could say another word I jumped out the window and ran to the border of Bel-Air, where Grin Man and his party were searching. As I expected, Grin Man's party was now a bunch of corpses strung across the plains. As I looked for Grin Man, I heard a cough, and turned to find one of the people had survived Grin Man's attack. As I tried to help him up he looked at me, said "he...crossed..the border..." and passed away. I got permission from God to hold a meeting that night in the mansion. Everyone gathered and gossiped about what their cousin's friend's nephew's gay lover's penis heard about the massacre at the border. I banged the gavel and the muttering died down. I began my speech.
"People of Bel-Air. Today seven people were killed by Grin Man. I arrived just before the last man died. He told me that Grin Man had crossed the border onto Earth. Now as you should know, on our border lie Gurochan, Earth and Fchan. Before I called this meeting, George Zimmer and I did some research. From what we found out, Gurochan, Fchan, and a mysterious land known as "Gaia" have joined forces to destroy Bel-Air." Panic erupted from the crowds. "WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!" "FIGHT BACK I SAY! TO HELL WITH THE FURFAGS!" "DESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESU!" "IS MY FAMILY SAFE!?" "THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS." "NO U!!" "Shut up.." "WHAT IS GAIA!?" "I HERD FCHAN LIEKS MUDKIPS" "DESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESUDESU!" "Shut up...." "I HAS A SHUVEL, AND I'LL BUST ANY FURFAGS HEAD WITH IT!" "WE NEED CANDLEJACK TO PROTE" "TO ARMS MEN! TO ARMS!" "SHUT UP!!"
After a few "NO U"s, the panicked cries faded out. I continued. "Our main concerns are to protect both Bel-Air and Earth. This 'Gaia' may not be an undead realm, which means the Gaiafags people may be able to interact or attack Earth. They obviously know about Habbo Hotel, otherwise they wouldn't have 'warned' us with the AIDs in the pool. We are dealing with experienced trolls, so we should learn more about them before we do any attacking. Keep a lookout for any tarnished memes, and if you see Milhouse, ignore him. All women and children should remain indoors at all times. This meeting is over." I banged my gavel once more and the people resumed talking as they walked out the doors. The next morning I called for all memes to meet inside the mansion. After role call (and the dismissal of Milhouse) I noticed that Happy Negro was missing. I shook my head, "O Lawd..not him, too." A search for Happy Negro was called, but only two search groups this time, Zimmer's and my own. I brought chikinz with me to lure him out, only to find that they mysteriously moved into my stomach a few moments later. As my group and I approached the border, we saw a peculiar creature. It looked like a pixelated and greatly misproportioned human with giant dragon wings and spiky red hair. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman, but it's fangs and baggy pants shined in the sunlight. When I looked down I found Happy Negro lying dead at his feet.
"OH NO U DI'IN GURLFRIEND" I yelled as I lunged at it, and tackled it to the ground. "Who are you, and what the bobba did you do to Happy Negro?" The pixels at the ends of its mouth moved up, which I assumed meant it was smiling. It laughed "I'M IN YOUR 4CHAN KILLIN UR MEMES" as it spun around and pinned me down. I struggled to get up, and as I struggled I noticed that it was a man pinning me down. Now that I knew he was a he, I knew where his weakness was. "NOW YOU'RE A MAN!" I yelled as I lodged my knee into his balls. He loosened his grip on the impact, and I quickly headbutted him off me and proceeded to tackle him with an XBox. As I looked over the body, the rest of my party approached and stared down. "This must be what a Gaiafag looks like." I nodded, "You better habeeb it..." That night, another meeting was called concerning the new discoveries.
Later that night, my sleep was disrupted by an explosion, followed by sirens blasting through the street. "HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. THE BODY OF THE GAIAFAG WAS ARMED WITH AN AIDSBOMB, WHICH HAS JUST EXPLODED. IMMEDIATE EVACUATION IS NECESSARY. I GUARANTEE IT." boomed from a helicopter flying over the town. That is what the Gaiafags wanted, though! I quickly opened my window and jumped out of it, landing on George Zimmer's drifting dingleberry dongle. I climbed it into the helicopter and took Zimmer's loudspeaker. "ATTENTION EVERYONE. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! PUT ON YOUR AIDS GASMASKS AND STAY INSIDE." George Zimmer took the loudspeaker from me, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOT!?" "They WANT us to leave town! They're probably prepared to raid us as we leave!" "AND YOU EXPECT US TO LEAVE EVERYONE IN AN AIDS INFECTED TOWN!?" "Would you rather be killed by Gaiafags? Besides, everyone has an AIDs mask, they're perfectly fine."
After the word "fine" left my mouth, the word "YIFF" began repeating and getting louder every second. I looked down from the helicopter to find hundreds of pixelated bastards kekeke zerg rushing the town! "JESUS CHRIST! IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!" People began running out of their houses to their cars, which, to their dismay, had exploded quite some time earlier. Those Gaiafags had everything covered, except for one thing: We are anonymous. We are a legion. We do not forgive. Within seconds, the Gaia forces were countered by thousands of anonymi and nigras. The nigras laughed "YOU ARE PISSING IN AN OCEAN OF PISS! LOL!" as they crushed the waves of trolls. As the fags began to retreat, I noticed something peculiar. A large amount of the nigras and anonymous did not have halos or horns. They were still alive! But how did they get here? They must have pretended to be with Gaia to get entrance into Bel-Air. But my heart quickly stopped when I noticed someone retreating with the Gaiafags. The owner of Habbo Hotel. Pool's Closed 3 - Electric Boogaloo
A new hero emerges, continuing the mission of closing the pool, and Anon's daring journey through the very depths of the internet to combat the many evils that haunt the tubes.
When Anonymous enters a room, whatever was going on in that room simply ceases to be important, and the only minorly interesting fact about the moment is the fact that everyone in said occupied room is most likely completely fucked.
That having been said, when Anonymous kicked open the door to the dingy old apartment on Cannon street, all eyes were on him. That's one of the plusses of being Anonymous; it tends to make you the center of attention.
"Which one of you is the goddamn desufag?" Nobody spoke, but a few silent fingers pointed to a figure in the corner of the room. Anonymous closed the distance and spoke.
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my people, and you will KNOW my name is the LORD, when my mom got scared and said you're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air. I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and there were dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I though 'Naw, forget it, you homes, to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to a house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the Cabbie 'Yo homes, small ya later!' I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne..." Anonymous' eyes narrowed to slits behind his glasses. "..As the Prince of Bel-Air."
The desufag's screams were drowned out by his gunshots.
Anonymous exited the apartment, not smiling, as Anonymous never smiles. He just had an air of satisfaction about him. He got into the car on the passenger side and spoke to his afro'd driver. "Motherfucker shoulda lurked moar." The driver simply laughed in that way that nigras are known to upon seeing some fried chikkinz or watermelons. "Where to next, boss?" He asked. "To the pool." Anonymous said, lighting up a cigarette. The nigra looked a bit shocked, but then it dissolved into satisfaction. He seemed to be happy to be getting back to his roots. The car started and sped off into the night.
"OMG U LUK SO GRET, hotchkka88." "LOL O I NO RITE?" Habbos as far as the eye could see lay sprawled in ecstasy around the pool, drinking drinks and flirting shamelessly. Atop a tower sat a mod, enjoying the fine weather. It was always sunny in the Habbosphere pool deck, regardless of the time of day. It was crowded today, which explained why nobody noticed the suited, sunglassed man enter.
He walked to the tower where the mod sat, loling. "Excuse me," he said softly. "YES? LOL WELCUIM TO HABBO." The mod said. "Thanks!" Said Anonymous. A gunshot rang out. The mod fell in a limp heap at the foot of the lifeguard tower. At the same moment, a tsunami of afroed, sharp dressed nigras rushed through the door. Anonymous spoke softly. "Pool's closed, motherfuckers."
The panic was tangible, and spread through the deck like the AIDS that diffused through the pool even then. Anonymous relished the chaos as the dancing nigras blocked the exits. There would be no survivors this day. He rounded on a habbo cowering in a corner.
"Mo-mods!" It whimpered. Anonymous chuckled mirthlessly. "Where are your mods now?" The Habbo spoke no more.
Blood and Chaos ruled the pool deck that day; the water ran red with the AIDS infused blood of the massacred Habbos. Anonymous found his driver. "They can finish up here." He said, admiring his army. The driver nodded, but seemed reluctant to leave. He agreed however, and they were off again.
"I just wish more people knew what was real in this world. They're all such blinded sheep... Tools of the system." "How'd things work out with Kaiteiy?" "Oh my God, don't remind me. My life is nothing but a shadow of the remorse and pain that fills my heart; the suffering that crawls in my skin and saturates my very being..." Blood was drawn by a razor dividing skin. "So she... Couldn't go to Corpse Bride with you?" "She had to work."
Anonymous laughed from the ventilation ducts. Not a real laugh, mind, but the laugh of a man who knows everything, and finds it funny in a terrible way.
"If only more people listened to Death Cab... Then we wouldn't be such outcasts." "My God, My Chemical Romance sums me up."
Anonymous crawled through the ducts; and a sunglassed kid with paper-white skin and black-as-night hair entered the Space a moment later.
"Hey guys." The newcomer said, looking hip as always in his girl jeans and black-and-pink Atticus T-Shirt. The others looked at him. "Hey." "Are you guys talking about the neverending sorrow of nightlike destruction that forever torments your souls?" "Yeah." "Oh, me too." Said the newcomer. He looked around, almost appraisingly, at everyone in the room. His gaze settled on a kid wearing a Snakes on a Plane shirt. "Where did you get that sweet shirt?" He asked. The youth answered. "Hot Topic! OMG, this movie's title is so funny."
"Welcome to Furcadia! If you need help please feel free to type--" The weird creature exclaimed upon Anonymous' arrival to the realm. "What the fuck?" He mumbled, killing it easily.
Out of everything Anonymous had seen in his lifetime, which was, quite literally everything, Furries held a special place in his non-heart as being especially unforgivable. He got on a boat and headed to someplace called "Acropolis," knowing full-well what he would found there. He was almost happy with anticipation of the glorious deaths that would soon ensue.
As he stepped onto the dock, he immediately heard conversation. Furry conversation. "...just keeps getting better and better. I lost my Daddy the other day and now there is a very good chance i will droped by my Master. So if, and when this happens, this kit has no one left but his good friends, and though i am thankful i will still have them, i need a Daddy and Master as well..."
Anonymous grimaced at this rampant faggotry And started toward the tiny fox-thing in a diaper. As he drew near, the Fox noticed... And it began to change. Anonymous watched indifferently as the fox takes his collar off and throws it into the flames of hell and then stares into it as he turns into an adult, his fur turning black and red and snarwling with an evil grin, showing his sharp teeth while doing so. Anonymous just stared at this supposedly impressive tranformation. He pulled his firearm, and prepared to dispatch this example of faggorty incarnate, when all of a sudden, he could hear his driver's voice yelling something behind him. He turned and followed the nigra's pointed finger to... A lion.
"JESUS CHRIST!" the nigra screamed "IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!"
Anonymous blinked once at the nigra as he scrambled to his car. At this point, Dark Kolt took a swipe at Anonymous. The blow connected soundly, but Anonymous did not so much as budge, on account of the fact that he's motherfucking Anonymous.
The foxkit noticed that it was fucked, and began to beg.
"Please, Anonymous, please, for love of God, forgive me, I didn't mean to..."
Anonymous just stared.
"What, are you serious?" "Are you dense or something? Are you fucking retarded? Do you know who I am? Do you know what I'm known... You know what... Forget it."
He emptied his clip into the whimpering furry.
"I'm not even gonna say it. Just lurk moar."
Anonymous entered a nondescript room, and was shocked, well, as much as Anonymous can be, by what he found.
"Do you know what the difference between you and I is?"
YTMND said nothing.
"I'm Anonymous. I am Many. I am motherfucking Legion."
Suddenly, the room was filled with Anonymi.
The doppelganger just laughed.
"You fool! I can do such a thing as well!" YTMND then attempted to multiply himself, but succeeded only in crapping himself.
The Anonymi laughed as one. A sudden fluid motion filled the entire room, and subsided as quickly as it began. YTMND ceased to be there, but instead a peice of him dwelled in the hand of every Anonymous in the room.
Somewhere, a pasty nerd sat hunched over a desk, clasping a pencil in his pizza-greased grip, scribbling incoherent doodles of how he wished his life could be.
"Yeah, yeah, and I'm wanted by ALL the kawaii japanese girls, and um... My wife is attractive! Ha! Hu!" His dialogue devolved into the faint sound of fapping.
A voice rang out from behind him. "Disgusting."
The man reeled around in is chair, eyes wide with fury. "You!" "Yes. Me." "You tried to destroy me before and couldn't, what makes you think you can now?" Anonymous laughed, more for intimidation than humor. "You think that was trying, Fred-Chan?" He held up a drawing of a loli. Fred-chan snatched it from his gloved hand, like Gollum after the Ring of Power.
"Your tricks are old news, Anonymous, old friend."
"No... See, this time, only one of us is going to leave. This time, it's for real."
Fred-Chan's eyes narrowed, as he whipped his pencil around and stood to face Anonymous, then swayed because he got up to fast. The Fatty.
Anonymous did not move.
Fred-chan jabbed at Anonymous with his pencil, and came back without a right hand. Anonymous clutched in his hand a knife, his face expressionless.
Fred-chan dropped to his knees and clutched his stump. "You bastard!" He spat. "How the fuck am I supposed to fap now?"
Fred-Chan's face was turned into a bloody hole post-haste. His limp body fell onto the floor, non-face first. Anonymous picked up the drawings, and set them on the blood to sop it up.
Anonymous felt a stirring deep within himself. He felt a presence that he felt often, it cursed him, like a plague, a disease that he could never fully rid himself of. He hated it, and yet he loved it, it was one of the problems of being Legion.
"...Camwhores..." He mumbled. "I know they must be destroyed, but... Some cursed part of myself will not allow me to do it. I need help."
Anonymous straightened and looked into the sky.
"I need to do it."
Rain began to fall.
"I need to... Bring back Snacks."
Anonymous shut the door as he got into the car. The nigra looked at him. "What's wrong, Anonymous?" Anonymous spoke softly."Take me to The Ruins." The nigra's eyes widened. "You... You don't truly mean to..." "I do. Go." The car started, and drove into the night.
Anonymous stood above an arcane rune, shaped like a rather long feline spiraling outwards. He couldn't see the end of it. He took something from his jacket pocket, a vial, filled with red liquid. He poured it into the carven cat. The red liquid suffused the cat, and the ground began to shake.
Anonymous stepped back and fell to his knees, to avoid being tossed from the very firmament. The whole of nature seemed to cry out as one, as it never had and never would again, villages burned, children died just hearing it. Anonymous closed his eyes as a blinding light eminated from the center.
Anonymous heard footsteps approaching, and opened his eyes. As he looked up, he could see a silhouette outlined against the sun. The figure reached out a hand and helped Anonymous to his feet. "You summoned me." Anonymous nodded. "Why?" Anonymous could not answer at first, he merely surveyed the figure. He finally spoke, softly, awed. "Is... Is that it?" He motioned vaguely to the massive hammer on the man's back. The man smiled. "It is." Anonymous' eyes widened. "Th-The Banhammer."
"I summoned you because... You're the best." Snacks did not speak. "Camwhores." Anonymous said. Snacks' face contorted with rage, then regained it's composure. "I understand. Where are they?" "They... They're everywhere." Snacks nodded grimly. "They tend to be." He hefted his hammer. "But not for much longer." The black sedan zoomed through the night toward destinations unknown. Finally, it stopped at a building. Voices could be heard from inside.
Anonymous got out of the car; he stumbled, obviously weak. Camwhores were a part of him, as much as he hated it. "S-Snacks, please... It's up to you. I... I can't do this one." Snacks nodded. "You'll be cured soon." He said, and entered the building.
Deafening cries of "SOUP, /B/!" Assaulted Snacks' ears as he entered the room. It was filled with camwhores. FILLED with camwhores. He grimaced. "My beloved 4chan... What have you become?" He said, a tear forming in his eye. He blinked it away and lifted his hammer. A camwhore was able to turn and watch, just in time, as the Banhammer crushed her into jelly. The other camwhores screamed, and tried to make for the exits, but Snacks just smiled as, one by one, he turned them into puddles of blood, flesh, and shattered bone.
Outside, Anonymous shuddered with every dead camwhore. He could feel them being purged, the pain was much, but he knew it had ot be done, and he felt all the better for it afterwards.
Snacks rounded on the final living camwhore, smeared and splattered in blood, skin, and all manner of bodily productions. He smiled evilly.
"Togi!" He said jovially.
Togi braced for impact. Uselessly.
Snacks exited the building, out into the night, his Hammer set solidly on his back. Anonymous sat hunched against the car, breathing heavily. "You'll be fine now." Snacks said, getting into the car.
Anonymous nodded and got into the car.
"Do you think we'll ever get all of it?" Anonymous asked, looking out the window at the city lights. "All of what?" Asked Snacks. "All of the crap. Off the internets." Snacks laughed. "There's only one way to do what you're suggesting, and I wouldn't dare." Anonymous was about to ask what he meant when he spoke again to the driver. "Stop here, this is it."
Anonymous and Snacks got out of the car and gazed up at a neon-lit sign featuring a smiling ^_^ chibi. It read "WELCOME TO GAIA ONLINE!"
When Anonymous and Snacks entered Gaia, the Gaians were not surprised. They had seen this before, and knew how to react. Before they knew it, Snacks and Anonymous were surrounded by knee-high chibis, clamouring for their blood. Snacks loosed his hammer, Anonymous unholstered his guns, and it began.
Cries of "OMG GET OUT OF HERE U R GHEY 4CHAN.ORG IS GHEY" perforated the air, along with the tiny screams of the crushed chibis and the gunshots of Anonymous.
A few of the tiny avatars attempted to grab hold of the Banhammer, but when the touched it, they exploded into ribbons of flesh. Snacks laughed maniacally. Anonymous stabbed chibi after chibi with the bullets from his gun, relishing the sight of their eyes exploding as they were hit by his rounds, the holes forming in their oversized heads...
The chibi horde continued to grow, and Anonymous was dragged to the ground under their zerg-like rush, He couldn't see Snacks, or anything, and he feared the worst.
Suddenly, a voice boomed throughout the chamber.
"HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE." The chibis all tensed up in unison. "I HEARD OF THE RAMPANT FAGGOTRY PERPETRATED BY THE DENIZENS OF THIS PATHETIC INTERNET SINK-HOLE AND DECIDED TO COME VISIT WITH MY HULKING HUNK OF WELL-HUNG MANHAMMER!" One by one, the chibis were ripped to shreds; popped like balloons as Zimmer penetrated them. "MY MEGA MASS OF MAMMOTH MANLINESS WILL DESTROY YOUR TINY CORNHOLES, AND YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF GOD UPON YOUR PROSTATES AS I SHOT MY GARGANTUAN LOAD OF BABY MAKER INTO YOUR COLONS... I GUARANTEE IT!"
The gaians were slaughtered. Anonymous and Snacks stood, victorious, thanks to Zimmer
As Snacks, Zimmer, and Anonymous walked from the ruins of the Gaian stronghold, they noticed a man standing between them and the car, holding what looked like a pamphlet. As they drew nearer, the man spoke.
"HAY GUYZ, THIS IS ME, CHECK OUT THIS GREAT IDEA I GOT LOOK REMEMBER IT WUZ ME, THAT IS, LOLAIDZ1245 THAT CAME UP WITH THIS. SHIT IM SMART, AMIRITE?"
"Fucken tripfag..." Anonymous mumbled, lighting a cigarette. "What the fuck are you doing here, tripfag?" Asked Snacks, readying his Banhammer. "LOL, LURKING LESS." "YOU FAIL. I GUARANTEE IT." Anonymous looked to Zimmer and Snacks and spoke. "No, this one's mine. He is the bane of my existance. The very fact that he IS, is a direct insult to everything I stand for. Today, you will meet it, tripfag, you will see God."
The tripfag just stood there, smiling. Anonymous tilted his head to the side, slightly, and a smirk formed on his face. He then attacked the tripfag, not with a weapon, but with his unarmed, gloved hands.
He drove his hands into the tripfag's skull through the eye sockets, grabbing blindly at whatever he could find in there. He pulled, and a flood of blood, brain, and eye fluid slushed out from where the tripfag's face used to be.
Somewhere, in a deep and dark basement, a bubbling sound was heard. It rumbled, and seemed to fill the air around it, suffusing everything with itself. It would take untrained ears to realize that this sound was the sound of collective bongs being smoked simultaneously. In this basement there sat a man, wearing a hat and a tie-dyed t-shirt, with rose-colored sunglasses.
A rush of smoke exiting the room disrupted the mellowness of the whole situation, and Anonymous stepped in, flanked by Snacks and Zimmer.
"Oh, wait... Oh... Wait what?" The stononymous was heard to say, squinting at the light.
Anonymous kicked over a bong as he further entered the room. Snacks and Zimmer looked around disgustedly.
"Dude, you guys, this is... Wait..." Stononymous then degenerated into a fit of laughter, rolling on the ground. "I mean like... What the fuck, right? Haaaaaaaaaaa!...."
Anonymous closed the distance and grabbed the stononymous by his tie-dyed non-collar.
"What the fuck is this shit?" He asked.
"Just out of curiosity..." Snacks said. "Where are you going to go now?"
"Ebaum and I have unfinished business."
Snacks smiled and nodded, then walked off, as did Zimmer.
Anonymous watched as the two forms disappeared over the horizon.
"Here we go." He said, getting into his car. He spoke to his driver. "Yo homes! To Ebaums World!"
Anonymous pulled up to Ebaum's around seven or eight, and surveyed the situation. This wouldn't be SO hard, he hoped. He began to make for the door, when a fat kid landed in front of him. "Who are you?" Anonymous demanded. "Ebaum." "What the fuck." "Enough talk. Have at you!"
Ebaum darted at Anonymous, but Anonymous dodged, as Ebaum was portly. When Anonymous regained his footing however, he noted a wound on his arm. "...Faster than you look, kid." Ebaum laughed in that fat person way. Anonymous drew his gun and fired, in one fluid motion, but Ebaum jumped and dodged, a tiny knife held between his teeth.
Snacks walked through the halls of the website he had once loved, looking for a certain door on a certain floor, containing a certain man. He watched, not being able to contain his smile, as /b/tards saged each other's threads and called each other fags. He was home. He reached the end of the hallway. A single door stood in front of him. Written across it, in huge golden letters was a single word:
Zimmer dismounted from his donkey, and retrieved his enormous member from the other three packmules that he had to rent in order to carry it and walked up the dusty stairs of the ziggurat.
He reached the top, and squinted against the dust and sunlight that hit his face. He looked at the altar atop it, caked with blood of sacrifices past. It was written over with the same rune of the long feline that the other had. He stared at it intently. There was an indent in the top of it, and an inscription to either side. One was a picture of a somewhat happy looking African american, and the other a man, wide-eyed, his face contorted into a ridiculously big smile. He pressed both, and something rose out of the indent. Zimmer's eyes widened.
Anonymous fell into the dust, after being cut again and again by the floating fat kid named Ebaum. He raised his gun, but Ebaum stepped on it, and raised his razor for the final blow to end Anonymous' life. Anonymous faced him with utter defiance, and prepared himself. Suddenly, Ebaum flinched, the expression on his face turned from one of triumph to one of pain. He swallowed, and his arms slid off onto the ground, leaving bloody stumps.
Anonymous stood, and looked. Behind Ebaum stood a small figure, twirling a boxcutter and wearing a bloodstained t-shirt that read simply "Nevada."
Snacks broke the door down with his Banhammer, and m00t turned calmly from his chair. "I thought you'd be back." He said.
Snacks looked calmly at doug. "We both knew this day would come." doug stood, and grabbed his Banhammer from the desk. "No reason to keep up the smalltalk, Snacks. Let's just do this." Snacks nodded. They rushed at each other, the hammers struck, it was like the world was ending. Blow after blow they parried. "You can't beat me, Snacks, I AM 4chan!" "Wrong, Doug. You are not 4chan. Anonymous is 4chan. Without him, you are nothing." More thunder hit the world as the hammers struck. Doug knocked the hammer from Snacks' hand, and Snacks fell to the ground. Doug crossed the room, and stood above his opponent, savoring his second victory...
The youth said nothing to Anonymous, merely stared. Anonymous stood over the dismembered Ebaum, and leveled his gun at Ebaum's head. "1998-2006. Goodnight, sweet prince." A gunshot rang out. Anonymous, silently, returned to his car and zoomed off toward 4chan.
Zimmer and Anonymous arrived at the gates of 4chan at the same time. "WHERE'S SNACKS? HE'S NOT HERE, SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT, I GUARANTEE IT." Anonymous nodded, then got a sickening feeling in his stomach. "Shit. We have to get to Doug's office, NOW!" The pair ran down the hallway.
Snacks did not cower, as Snacks does NOT cower in the face of anything. He stood his ground, casually crossing his arms. "Do it, Doug." M00t smiled. "Just savoring the moment this time, old friend. You won't be coming back from this."
Doug's hammer started to fall, but was blocked by a suited man with a hat. The Anonymous was crushed instantly. Doug looked around, confused. He was completely surrounded by Anonymi.
"No." He said. "I made you, and I can unmake you!" Snacks took this opportunity to dive for his hammer. Doug noticed, and swung again, although hampered by the Anonymi. He then caught a glimpse of something glittering, flying through the air. His eyes widened as the object was caught in between the hammers. The legendary thread!
At this point, everything went color inverted. A voice, somewhere, was heard to say
"Divided by zero. Oh SHI--!"