B-sides

This is a collection of stories written by /b/, where writers, after looking at some strange pictures, decided to write up a side story behind them.

This entire archive would have been lost in it's entirety if not for the efforts of Sarafan, a major sysop of Wikichan who posted his entire dump of their most important articles (including the original Nurse-Kun threads) on Megaupload before the wiki shut down for good. Unfortunately, with Megaupload itself being shut down, who knows what else was lost in their treasure troves of content?

TO-DO

We've used an imperfect converter to get the text out of the original ODT document.

Therefore, the pictures are not linked, and the text is a bit screwed up. All the pictures from the document are in the [b-sides archive](https://github.com/bibanon/bibanon/raw/master/Collections/Copypasta/b-sides/b-sides.7z). So, check the ODT document for which picture goes with which story, get the images from the [image archive](https://github.com/bibanon/bibanon/raw/master/Collections/Copypasta/b-sides/b-sides.7z), upload it to the git repo, and link it in this article.

Stories

I remember the first time we met... with a starry sky against a romantic twilight. He seemed so rugged and so strong as he foiled a plot by Megatron to steal the world's cows to make into energon cubes, or something... and when his blue glowing eyes fell upon me after the battle I was drawn to him.He was a robot that turned into a truck, and I was a normal human that just happened to be registered mechanic. Two different worlds with one common interest.The rest of the night I explored his joints, and changed his oils. So wrapped up in passion were we that Optimus couldn't pull out in time... it didn't matter anyway, he was low on brake fluid.He left that morning with Jazz and Bumblebee, and every night when the sky is clear I look down the road, remembering that for some reason only Decepticons could fly.One day Optimus, I would like you to return to meet your daughter. Her name is Vespa.

The hand that held the gun fell to my side limply, as the enormity of what I'd just done sank in. The little girl's body wavered where she stood, her one eye staring accusingly at me as her body toppled to the floor backwards, almost like a knocked out boxer.Blood pooled at my feet, but it didn't matter since her blood soaked my shirt, marking me for my sin. I fought back the urge to vomit, and I slumped back against the door-frame.I kept muttering "What have I done? What have I done?!" over and over like a mantra, as though it would suddenly make everything make sense to my spinning mind.But I know what I've just done.I've just gotten my ass fired from my babysitting job.I just hope I can bluff when she died so I don't get too much of my pay docked by her parents.

"You bastards! I'll never talk!" the man screamed as I and the two other guards stood around him, staring down at his bound form. My associates were smiling; they were enjoying the orders they'd received from higher up. They liked what they were told to do with this troublemaker. I wasn't so sure.The man was writhing around, flopping onto his back then his stomach much like the fish that were scattered around him... the others laughed as the man rolled over onto one of the fish and it began to spasm all the more frantic between his legs.Still, he remained defiant. He would not answer our questions; he would not even give us his name.I told the others I was going to watch the door, and walked out in disgust."No sweat, we'll teach this fella to put his nose where it doesn't belong" one of the other guards called after me.I lit up a cigarette when I got outside and sighed. Sea World just wasn't the amusement park it used to be.

Sister Agatha doubled over and began to retch. Her disgusted moans and gagging were echoing throughout the small orphanage where my sister and I were living.

Though young children we knew something was very amiss when we rushed to her side. Saliva and bile was running from her tongue as she stood bent over near the chamber pot, tears filling her eyes as she tried to force up something that just didn't seem to want to be purged from her system.

I told my sister to go get the priest Father McArthur, and as she did so I asked what her illness was. In my childlike naivety I had no idea that she was not ill because of disease. She did not answer otherwise, and broke into uncontrollable sobbing.

Quickly, my sister and the priest entered, and I asked him if he knew what was wrong.

"Well, you see my child..." he started in his reply, choosing his words carefully, "She wanted to know what we put in the Body of Christ"

Despite earlier debacles, I thought it best to keep trying the dating scene. "Surely" I thought to myself, "This one will be fine!"

We met in the park, and I was compelled to tell her what a lovely organic eye she had, as the other one shot me in the face with a laser beam.

With the pleasantries out of the way, we walked about the park with her telling me all about the orders for my destruction so that humanity would fall in the future. All the while she was trying to stab me in the face with her drill hair.

I think she really likes me. I'd say our hearts ignited when she actually consented to a goodbye kiss on the first date, but I think it was more my face that ignited as her mouth was a flamethrower.

Sadly, there was never going to be a second date. As I ran off to the hospital to get my burns treated, she activated her self destruction sequence in a last ditch attempt to destroy me.

What a woman!

It was all going to hell. The enemy had the small town surrounded, and it had changed from being a matter of holding out for reinforcements to a matter of time before they all died.

All alone in her position as the enemy began to flood into the town, the woman could only pray. She thought of her loved ones... those she had left behind to go fight in a war across the globe.

Death would be better than capture; she realized... the fate of women prisoners was always terrible.

She could hear their feet, the roaring sounds of their vehicle's engines as the doom of the defending soldiers came fast into the town.

She offered a final prayer to God to look over her family before moving into battle.

Back home, I was banging the maid while the kids were at school.

"Damnit Julie" I sighed, "If I'd known you were going to convert to Islam, stage a violent uprising amongst the students and take the faculty hostage, I'd have stayed home"

The sirens wailed in the distance.

"Oh, don't be such a wet blanket" she replied, while crudely beheading the arts teacher as one of the film studies students taped it.

It was typical. Julie was always getting me involved in her crazy schemes. Certainly, this one was a touch more insane than her usual ones. It certainly was more dangerous than the time she got me into ballet club.

And so it went on, as we waited Julie continued to do more hideous things to the hostages. She flayed the skin off of my math's teacher while he was still alive, and told me it was for me.

She did it all with a smile and a skip in her step... I decided I'd go down fighting for Julie's crazy cause.

In the end, we all learned a valuable lesson.

Governments do negotiate with terrorists.

Do you like my new TV?

General Casper,

I am submitting this report concerning the unwanted presence of the liaison to the navy, one Ensign Gardner. The ensign's behaviour in this war zone is causing great distractions upon my boys, especially with Private Coleman.

Coleman is a good kid, and unfortunately he and the ensign have caught each other's eyes for as long as both have been stationed here. I had long feared that this distraction could cost the private his health, and now I believe it even more so.

After being separated from his squad in a heavy frontline engagement and being forced to make his own way back to base in rough shape, Ensign Gardner broke all protocol and brushing aside all medical staff kissed Coleman on the lips.

Now I am stuck with a dilemma. While we in the higher echelons know of Gardner's sex change operation, I doubt Private Coleman has any idea, and I don't know how to break it to him.

I welcome any and all suggestions.

Sincerely,

Captain Striker.

Look... guys. I'm really, really sorry. This has been bothering me for ages so... I have to let you all know.

About two days ago, the class hamster. You all remember Fluffy don't you? Well as you recall he went missing. You all thought he'd escaped... but he hadn't.

Just don't be judgemental. But I got tired of seeing him and all the other pets in cages. It's just not right and I make no apologies for the fact I tried to rescue them all and carry them out of the school in my arms.

I tried to sneak out of the cafeteria with them in my arms but it just wouldn't work... so I stole a cardboard box and put them all in it.

The animals are fine.

But I took a dump in the cafeteria food supplies since I couldn't risk going to the toilets with all the animals.

That's also why I brought a packed lunch yesterday.

I just hope you can all forgive me.

I'd been winning a few games when she'd laid some notes on the table. I'd never seen that much money before in my life, and she called me out to play for it, and if I were to lose she would get the equivalent from me. I couldn't let my pride go and tell her I was poor, so I said "sure".

We played, and I was winning. In fact, I was cleaning house. She didn't seem the least bit concerned. My confidence began to waver as I began to think she was playing me, and I made a few mistakes.

She never once took the advantage away from me. And in the end when all was said and done, I had completely annihilated her.

After the pre-requisite run around the table with your pants down defeated ceremony the woman placed the bills in my sweaty hands.

"You're pretty good. I thought you were an easy mark" she commented, and she said something else as she left. It didn't click at first, but then I realized why I'd won.

"Enjoy your victory Scrabble King; I'll be back for your crown someday"

My girlfriend was always on the odd side. She had odd ideas and had cut short hair because she'd always end up catching it on fire, with some crazy scheme gone wrong being the cause.

Usually I could humour her, but her new outfit which she had decided to unveil to me was nothing short of... well words still were lost on me. Why she had thought a shirt ten times too small for her giant chesticles was a fashion statement was beyond me.

"Hey now, come on!" she burst out when my dumbfounded expression met her unveiling, "It's a retro 80s look!"

I tried to answer, to say that I'd never heard of something so daft in my life. It had nothing to do with the 80s. Before I got a word in though...

"Does this make my bum look big?"

When I came too, I was in Paris, in a dark alleyway, with my girlfriend’s breasts super glued to my head. Good times.

"That's a nice portfolio you have there" a cold, level voice came from behind Dana as she walked to the boss' office. Whirling on one heel, the secretary found herself facing the last person she expected... but the first person she feared."Mark! How?!" Dana could not believe it. Mark was one of the most powerful office workers there ever was, but in his arrogance he had attempted to undermine the boss' powers and in a brutal fight was sent to another vacation. But here he was, looking stronger than ever!"You fools thought you could beat me?! I'm here to get my revenge!" Mark announced loudly, pointing a glowing finger at Dana's head, "And what better way to prove the boss is incompetent by removing his secretary!"IS MARK CHARGING UP HIS FAMED AND DEADLY STAPLER REQUISITION BEAM?! WILL DANA BE ABLE TO SURVIVE WITH DIVIDERS INTACT?! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER STATIONARY PACKED EPISODE OF OFFICE JOB Z!

"It's here! It's here!" One of the other students yelled, as the faint and familiar jingle of Green-Sleeves wafted in through the window.

In unison, we all began to pile out of the classrooms, jostling and vying for the first position to get the ice cream, the protest of the teachers and faculty lost on us all as we prepared to chase off the heat in a weekly ritual.

We were so close we could almost taste the ice blocks and chocolate flavoured goods that we would be devouring.

Then the van exploded.

The news reported the casualties as 'delicious'.

I finally regained consciousness some hours later... I had no idea where I was and for a moment as my eyes tried to focus against the white light that flooded the alleyway I couldn't even remember who I was.It was then as I put a hand to my ringing ears I noticed the bandages, bound across and over one eye. What had happened to me? I pulled myself to my feet and tried to walk, but my right ankle was dragging along a ball on a chain.I wanted to cry, as I walked slowly and painfully until I found my way home... my head continuing to throb with memories half returned filled with nothing but pain and abuse...I fell into my mother's arms with tears pouring from my one good eye. She held me up, as all strength left my body."It's okay dear... you don't have to go to soccer practice anymore if you don't want to"

I'd just stepped out of the house, up and ready for work after a relaxing weekend at home. Refreshed and ready for the day I took a step out my front door and found my foot dangling over nothing but blue sky and cloud.

At first I began to panic as I turned and found my house gone. Then as I began to REALLY panic I realized I wasn't moving. I was standing on the sky and not falling! It was an amazing sight.

Then, with the loud fluttering of tiny leathery wings, a dragon flew passed with a small elf girl riding on top of it, waving to me. She was calling out something to me.

"Hey! Mister!" she was yelling to me, "You forgot to take your meds on friday! Also you're naked!"

I later discovered that darn elf didn't mention the dead hooker I had still attached to my crotch through an eye wound. Those crafty little critters!

I remember the time I was at a Spring festival, when I was 17. I had a beer can and was looking about when someone took the can from me. I started in protest, but found my English teacher standing behind me, looking drunk.

She waved a finger at me, "You're still too young. It's my duty as an adult to keep you out of trouble" And not hearing a word from me she took a sip and led me away from the festival.

She talked for some time to me, and I got to know her on a deeper level. I was quite surprised, and I learned so much about her. She was very open. I didn't realize at first what she had led me away for, but it soon became apparent.

"Have you ever kissed a woman?" she asked me, staring at the can.

Shocked, I answered "Ma'am, you're drunk. Let me take you home"

I managed to avoid putting my teacher and I in a terrible situation. She'd been drinking my pee.

I could not find any fucking toilets at that stupid festival.

In the twilight by the water temple that glistened in the night she played. Each note a sorrowful tale unto itself, the water rippling in places as though dancing in a slow waltz to her mourning dirge.

The soft moonlight cast upon the temple itself made changing colors that seemed to respond to the sad, slow song she was playing. It was as though in the tranquil and mystical place the temple and water had become one.

It was as the song reached its end, slowly fading away into emptiness that LORD SMASHMORE, level 15 Paladin came tromping through the forest, the blood of all the forest creatures splattered across his +3 plate mail.

"LOL BARD" LORD SMASHMORE quipped before entering the temple to kill things and have hot sweaty manly sex with the water nymphs.

The bard cried and slashed her wrists on the harp strings.

I was walking passed the construct, seeing the sights around the grounds when we met. I didn't know how she'd gotten in there, but it was pretty clear she wanted to get out.

Slowly following behind her was a deer, its eyes glazed over. It was very disturbing how this herbivore was hunting the girl like it was a carnivore.

"Help me!" the girl screamed as I ran up to the bars.

As the deer got closer it regarded me for a moment, then dismissed me.

I told her that I would get some help, and that I would be back. She was screaming at the deer, that she was human. She fell forwards onto her hands, and the deer snatched her small skirt in its teeth. I ran and managed to get some help quickly. Tranquiliser guns were brought in, and the beast was subdued.

The girl was shaken, incoherently apologising for trespassing. I felt for her though.

No one expects that kind of shit just for sneaking into a furry convention.

My mouth was dry, I couldn't feel anything in my legs but pins and needles, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd blinked.

We'd been neighbours for a long time. Friends almost as long and now... I sat on the side of her bed, watching her as she undressed. It was all I could have ever hoped for in my youth and yet even as she started to climb onto the bed in her underwear I moved back.

She looked hurt for a moment, asking with her eyes why I'd just suddenly moved away.

I took a deep breath and tried to muster up the courage. I was lucky when the words found me, and I poured out my heart to her. I told her about how much I cared about her, how much our friendship meant to me...

I told her I would never hurt her.

Satisfied, her older brother left the chopping block and knife on the dresser, and closed the door on his way out.

I don't know what made me volunteer for the track meet. It didn't pay any money, I had to stand around in the sun with a timer in my hand, and most of the people competing in the race looked pretty ordinary.

One girl stood out though, with silver hair and a fit body that put all the other competitors to shame. I had to look twice... she didn't look like she belonged.

Just as the starter's gun went off, our eyes met, and I almost didn't start my timer.

She moved fast, putting quick and easy distance between herself and the rest of the stumbling runners. She was reaching the first turn where I stood... and then it happened.

She started yelling, and ran headlong into me, knocking us both down with her on top of me. Our eyes locked, and then she vomited on me while at the same time crapping herself.

Like I said, I don't know what made me volunteer for the Special Olympics tryout.

When I'd let her off of my lap, my cat-girl Jinx immediately ran to her makeshift bed and threw herself face onto it, in part to hide the tears, in part to avoid putting any sort of pressure on her aching behind. I knew exactly why, I was responsible.

She tried to gingerly rub her backside, but even that just made it hurt more. Her failing attempts and pained mewling were cute, but the seriousness of the situation didn't allow me to show how I thought.

She looked at me with hurt, accusing eyes. I simply sighed and shook my head as I defended myself.

"Well if you hadn't bitten the vet you could have gotten an injection instead of a suppository"

Our naked upper-bodies pressed against each other as we stood, guilt and shame welling up inside me as one of my hands grasped tightly to her breast, the other guiding a finger to her open mouth.

I could tell she was crying, even though I was staring down, trying to fix my eyes to her smooth skin on her shoulders, to distract myself as we engaged in something forbidden to us, trying to ignore the sensation of my finger inside her mouth, moving about.

It didn't last long, as she pulled my finger away and doubled over the toilet, retching and vomiting. She continued to sob, as she held herself up over the bowl with shaking arms.

There is no wacky punch line to this story; I just think bulimia is fucking hilarious.

She was the daughter of a priest and I spent lots of time in the church community because of my parents.

She was easy to manipulate. She was the model of a naive catholic girl. She barely knew anything about sex and I was able to manipulate her just by telling her that whatever we did was something Jesus wanted.

We'd come so close, and at great risk I managed to get her into my room late at night while my folks were out, and into my bed. I fed her the same bull as always, and made to look like I was going to sleep with plans on getting her when she was half-awake. To my surprise, she touched me first, and all the times had gotten her to touch and kiss me flashed through my head. Then she spoke...

"Thank you for all your love. You're almost like Jesus yourself"

I asked why, feeling suitably guiltier as time went on.

"Jesus loved lepers too"

As I sat in my depressed state in my quarters, I heard approaching steps. The door opened, and in stepped two women. Harlots sent by my men to cheer me up. I couldn't move to send them out, so I let them rest on the bed either side of me. Then they asked what had happened as they ran their fingers across my upper legs.

I told them of the battle, Sergeant Talker and I led the charge to the very teeth of the guns and how we were engulfed in a horrible explosion. I came to when the battle was over, somehow uninjured. It was a miracle.

The harlots remarked that they thought I had lost my legs, but discovered I was merely kneeling in the darkness. Then, they asked why I was so depressed.

I pointed to a glass jar with a penis bobbing in the preserving fluid.

"I'm trying to figure out how to send the Sergeant home"

Then the harlots threw up on me. My men were good to me. I hadn't even told them I was into that kind of thing.

"Will you always love me?" She asked as we walked along together through the wetlands.

"Of course" I replied, looking to my watch.

"Forever?" She pressed the question as the wind began to pick up around us, whipping the plant life about at a feverish pitch. Her hair too whipped about.

"Of course, forever" I added onto my earlier statement, before checking my watch, "Hey, stand right here for a second, I want to take a photo.

She asked why I was checking my watch, but I ignored her, pretending I couldn't hear her over the building roar on the wind. I stood at a distance and took out my camera out, kneeling.

Right on time, the low flying plane swooped low over us, clipping my date in the back of the head with its landing gear before heading back on into the sky.

I checked my watch one more time.

I still had plenty of time to go bang her sister.

I came to with the roar of the flood still echoing in my ears from when I'd been knocked out. The back of my head was still sore but I managed to sit up, and found myself looking at two young girls. I recognized them as having been at the party...

"The party!" I suddenly yelled, startling the pair, "What happened?"

They shook their heads sadly as I became aware we were on a small row boat...

"The flood took everyone. We were lucky to find the boat and you unconscious in it" the red head explained. Fate had been kind to me, and in a way so cruel. I looked about, finally aware of the murky brown sea around us, as we sloshed on random currents taking us where it pleased.

"We were fools" the other girl sighed, "No sewer system could control what we have wrought today... this is punishment from God for defying him with our revelry"

Indeed... Vindaloo night had been an outright disaster.

I took my daughter out onto the river, with the intentions of a nice picnic on the shore of the far less populated side. It was a great idea, and she agreed upon it as a sort of father-daughter thing.

Unfortunately, ever since I took her to the old paint factory where I worked and we didn't have enough face masks she'd been a little loopy. Couple in the fact she'd developed Tourette’s after the time I played a prank on her where she tried to eat her sandwich and bit a live electrical wire and, all of a sudden she decided to start screaming obscene things while rocking the boat.

I was forced to hit her several times about the head with the oar until she quietened down, and fell into a coma.

So it's with great honour I accept this Father of the Year Award. Thank you. I dedicate it to my daughter in the front row.

Hey sweetie! CATCH WITH YOUR FACE!

When I went to college, I moved into a rented house with Julie, a friend of mine. She was generally pretty easy going, aside from the fact every morning she'd walk into my room and put her foot on my face until I'd get up and make her breakfast.

Well, one morning I decided to get her back. We'd had a party the night before, and she was still crashed out on the couch. I took a feather I'd gotten for just this occasion and began to run it across the bottom of her foot.

Almost immediately her foot swelled up and began spraying puss all over me... in my eye, up my nose and even in my mouth.

When she woke up and I'd cleaned myself off, I asked her why she never told me she was allergic to birds.

She responded that she wasn’t and that her foot did that every morning and just needed to be wiped off.

You can still see the mark on the carpet in the living room where I put her head through the table.

Dracula and I met at high school. I was trying to pass my exams to get into college, he was trying to seduce and drink the blood of my math teacher. She was a lesbian, so you can imagine how well that went.

He and I met when he was halfway through drinking the blood of my ex-girlfriend in the principal's office. We hit it off straight away and became fast friends.

He did have some eccentric problems though. Whenever I went over to his castle, I had to bring a female friend for him to devour, but he really liked the fat chicks.

Our friendship fell apart at my graduation, when he stole my little sister and ran off. I was shocked and sickened as I watched him run off over the horizon.

He didn't even notice I wore the dress he liked. Freak.

"Pick up your little sister from ballet" my mother had told me. I had nothing better to do, so I went. I used to go there so I knew where to pick her up.

I heard girlish laughter when I came to ballet room, and when I opened the door everyone but my sister turned towards me and let out a surprised gasp.

My sister didn't move because she was bound by several windings of rope. It looked uncomfortable. Her outfit was almost translucent, but I couldn't tell if it was from the routine they'd been doing or what the heck it was. I wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but I was just so dumbfounded I couldn't find the words.

"Brother!" my sister called out, before rolling over towards me, "Dad forgot to untie me last night. I'm soooo embarrassed.”

That night I burned down our house.

After school one day, my girlfriend came up to me and asked me to help me with her grocery shopping. Quite happy to trade effort for nookie I accepted and we walked to the grocery store near her house.

In we went, and for an hour my girlfriend went back and forth around the vegetables and fruit, picking up watermelons, rock melons, lettuce and pineapples. Never once did she actually take any, always setting them back down.

I managed to resist the urge to ask, as crazy as all this seemed. She was a methodical girl, I expected this much from her.

Finally she picked up what had to be the largest cabbage in the store and looked at me, her face dead flat and serious.

"Tonight, I am going to shove this up your butt"

I guess she found out I had sex with her mother, then.

Before me stood the priestess, who was holding the Spear of Fate. She seemed happy, and at the same time nervous. Although the hardest parts were done, there seemed to be one more task ahead of me.

"You have passed all the trials. You have succeeded in fulfilling all the requirements set by the prophecy. Our destinies are all bound to you, especially my own" she spoke, stuttering slightly at the last part, "There is one last task for you, hero"

She knelt, and as she undid the strings on her dress the fabric slid off her thin frame. She stood up, grasping the spear tightly in one hand and stepped back, out of the clothes pile she'd made.

"Put on the dress" she ordered me, as all my teachers and trainers began walking into the area.

After the bukkake, I didn't feel like being the hero anymore.

"Hey there" a sultry female voice called to me as I stood on the beach, where I had been taking the lull in activity to watch the waves for a few seconds.

I turned my head and found myself staring almost immediately. Before me she stood, her bikini top already hoisted up over her ample breasts. People had to be watching, but I couldn't tear my eyes away to look.

"You look like a smart, handsome man" she started with her every word sliding into my ears and into my brain like a jolt of electricity, "Perhaps if you could help me with a problem, I could take you 'out'".

Before I could try and stutter anything out, a volley-ball sped through the air and smacked the beautiful woman right in the face.

"The ball was IN you slut!" Was yelled from the other side of the volley ball net.

At first, when she was alone in her cell the poor young girl had hope. She was alone, and could formulate an escape in her mind. This lull lasted no much longer, as bricks began to open in the walls around her. She was distracted, each wall having had several bricks removed. She could not see what was behind the walls, the holes pitch black and unlit.

Then, at a muffled command from outside the cell an arm shot from a hole to her right, grabbing at her dress. Then another command was uttered and another hand snaked out. Soon she was being grasped and groped by all manner of mechanical limbs, her shrieks echoing off the stone walls but falling on all deaf ears as she was stripped naked.

I watched on a TV screen with the one in control of it all. He was smiling sickly, and I wondered how far the Inspector had fallen to end up like this.

"Go Go Gadget rape" he commanded, and I finally was forced to turn away in disgust.

"Hey there boys" the woman in the playboy bunny suit greeted us as we filed into the room and took our seats, the walls all around us festively decorated with all sorts of cute drawings.

"You can call me Bunny, looking for a carrot" the woman said, wiggling her hips a little before passing around drinks. We were at most silent but appreciative, as 'Bunny' went around, complimenting us on our appearance, leaning in front of us to put down our drinks to give us a clear look at her cleavage.

This went on for some time, most of us sitting around with bemused expressions on our faces as Bunny sat on my lap and stroked my hair, talking in innuendos about burrows and whatnot.

It seemed like forever, but still not long enough before she had gone. We looked at each other for a moment and came to a unanimous agreement.

Dalores always gave the best corporate presentations when she was on her stress medication.

We all lay down, looking up at the sky. It was so beautiful, the way the clouds seemed to move in fast motion across the endless blue canvas above us. It was an ever moving image of creation, and we all would look away as the light streamed through the clouds onto our faces.I looked over my left to Jennifer, who was staring up with wide and open eyes. Even without the sun she had a soft glow around her head. The other three were beginning to fall asleep around us, content to lie in the sun's glow for as long as they were allowed.When they dozed off, I placed my hand upon Jennifer's shoulder and nudged her gently. She turned he head around and looked at me, tears in her eyes."It's okay" I whispered comfortingly, "Ford Broncos just aren't made to jump ten buses"

She was so heavy in my arms, limp as she just lay there staring up at me with glazing eyes. Every breath was like a pained groan, her chest rising and falling with some difficulty.

"I...I'm sorry" she murmured, one of her hands reaching slowly to clutch at the crimson fluids spread across her belly, "I screwed up..."

I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, as I stared at the stain. I was too late... there was really nothing I could do. I could only watch as her eyelids fluttered and closed, her head rolling to the side as she fell completely limp against me.

"It's okay" I muttered back, despite knowing she could not hear me now, "I'll just buy some more jelly donuts"

When I couldn't think of anything to write, I used to creep across to the edge of a largely uninhabited wetlands area and have a cigarette, watching the military jets low fly on their training exercises.

This time however, I wasn't alone. Deeper in amongst the water, ignorant or perhaps uncaring of the dangers of the snakes in the wetlands a well dressed young woman held her child, and likewise her child held a flower. They looked so serene, so at peace... I found my self staring; none of us even flinching as the first jet flew overhead, whipping our clothes and hair in the aftermath of its passing.

Then the second jet to pass disgorged its napalm load directly onto the pair, and I could hear their screams even over the jet's engines.

I didn't mind so much. The government's anti-hippy bill was sound in my mind. There just wasn't much to have sex with when they finally stopped burning.

We lay there, for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't remember how we had ended up in each other's arms, on the floor in my attic. I didn't know how she felt, but all I could think about were questions that I should have asked before I had crossed the line. Questions like "Is this right?" and "Should I do this?"

I couldn't see anything but her eyes, that's all there was to it as the snow fell outside the sounds of carols being sung down the street wafted through the window. I wondered how she felt... again, another thought too late. I don't think I could stop myself from becoming lost in those eyes even if I wanted to.

All my fears were gone though, as she kissed me. We lay there as midnight rolled about on Christmas night, and I received the greatest present of all... her love.

In return I gave her a Dirty Sanchez.

Merry Christmas!

To get through college I took a lot of odd jobs on weekends. Probably the weirdest one involved a young girl I was supposed to mind for her rich folks, who were leaving for an emergency overnight business trip and wanted to make sure she was fine in the mansion. It didn't help this girl was not very smart or world-wise.

When I arrived she practically dragged me out the door to do some shopping, and I ended up acting more like a servant than a minder. I was getting paid a lot so it didn't matter.

I only looked away for a moment at something she had pointed at, and when I'd turned back she was gone. I raced around the place calling her name and praying she'd just gone to the bathroom or something. I finally saw her a few minutes later, trapped in a cage strapped to the back of a truck that was leaving the scene. I tried to chase after them but I couldn't keep up. As she disappeared around a corner I she called out to me.

"It's okay! They're taking me to see their puppies!"

Day 1: I have been assigned by the clubhouse to infiltrate the enemy's compound and gain access to all their secrets.

Day 27: My infiltration into the girl's club has gone flawlessly, as I have now been initiated into the second level of the group by way of creating a facade of being a completely unattractive and easily manipulated. I have earned Subject #25's friendship, which should serve me well in the long run.

Day 56: Third circle engagement has been completed. By drinking the blood of #46's still beating heart I have been granted the powers of the club's god N'SHUBKTH and can now see into the darkness. Despite my corruption I continue to work for my fellow boys in learning all the secrets of these 'girls'.

Day 65: My penis fell off.

Day 120: Sleepover at Mandy's. We're going to talk about Cory, he's so dreamy.

After her husband died, Michelle had always been a sad figure. Also an incredibly disproportioned figure as well, but with the man she loved (a dwarven paladin of some renown) I didn't want to give her any reason to knee me in the face. I'm a sensitive guy like that.

With her father and mother in another country, she was all alone. I was the only person around that she spoke to on a regular occasion, and only because a glandular problem meant I couldn't really run away without getting really dizzy.

The last day I saw her she was standing on the cliff-face overlooking the town. I'd blacked out earlier and woken up there. She smiled to me faintly, and loosely held the flowers she usually lay at her husband's grave as she resumed staring out.

"Pippy" she said, getting my name completely incorrect, "I think I'm ready to mo-"

It was at that point the wind picked up, and she snapped at the knees, her upper part sailing over the edge.

I laughed.

I could hear the click of the button being pressed from the other end of the phone. I looked to my screen and watched. I watched as the internet counted down to its own doom.

I can only imagine what could have been going through the minds of all the users of the internet as it began to tell them it was ending its own existence with a large digital timer

.

Somewhere young obese men were scrambling to enter in their credit card numbers, to see one last piece of tit-flesh rolled out from a cheap bra on a webcam before their world collapsed in on itself.

Every single girl on the internet revealed to their boyfriends that they were men, and no one really minded. They just e-held each other as the sun slowly rose.

I heard that when the internet died everyone who had ever been insulted by someone they'd never met ejaculated. I looked outside my window at that apparent moment and saw a distorted rainbow stretching across the sky.

My best friend Dan was a genius, a real bona fide genius when it came to robotics. He could change the world if he wanted, but for his eccentric channelling of his works. For years he'd worked on and off making what he considered his ultimate partner, and then one day 'she' was sitting on his bedroom floor. I was speechless at the time; he'd really designed a perfect woman.

She didn't have a mouth. Perfection!

What truly amazed me was the universal remote he'd installed in her breasts. With subtle nuances in his grasping at her artificial mammaries he was able to turn on his DVD player and select scenes in seconds without even looking up. The way he handled her brought a tear to my eyes.

I decided to take him out for a drink, to celebrate his achievement. We decided to take his car, though Dan was loathe to leave his creation at home. He took her to the doorway as I walked to his garage, and he issued her some commands to keep her busy while he was gone.

Then he hugged her. It was beautiful, this man and his creation pressed close against one another, loathe to separate.

Then her tits beeped, and the garage door flew open into my face.

I love my work. It's hard work you know, but I'll be damned if I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling at the end of each and every day. I know that when I tuck myself into bed at night and dream of being smothered in butter by Napoleon, I'm doing so having made the world a better and safer place.

My name is Fondles McGee, and I'm a titty inspector.

I know what you're thinking "Oh god I want to feel you inside me". Well, if I were you I'd be asking something that doesn't creep me out half as much. Mind you, I also sometimes get people being sceptical of my work, and I just tell them of how it all began.

I used to be a normal high school boy aside from the butter fetish, with what I thought was a normal girlfriend. We used to do things most couples would do, me trying to get up more bases and her giving me blue balls. One day though, I managed to get the closest I could to that beautiful home run.

We were in her room, changing to go for a swim. She was turned away and behind a screen, so I took my chances to try to 'escalate' our passions as it were, slipping behind her and deftly sliding my hands up under her bra. She didn't have time to protest as I grasped those pert, firm mounds in my hands... and then she made an odd click sound.

She let out a gasp that sounded a lot like "Allah Ackbar" and vagina detonated violently and downwards. When I came to I learned from the police that she was a tool of Islamic extremists, brainwashed to offer her virginity to the US President and destroy him as he fumbled with her nipples.

From that day onwards I resolved to stop these vaginas of mass destruction before they happened, and I found my true calling.

And that's why I'm in prison. How about you?