The Liliad/Liliad Thread 6
hi guys here I am, oops a few minutes late, hopefully that is fine.
as usual, give you guys a minute to find the thread while i respond to emails (only like 20 today, so that's not so bad!). see you in a minute.
I love you.
Unsure if tonight is the final chapter, just have to see how much I can get through.
Let's get started, then.
Last time on OP's Story, I started senior year in anticipation of seeing Lily over my winter break, against all odds making something happen despite her dad hating me and me being a lying, manipulative pussy.
Our online chats were slightly less frequent those months. I did not have a large courseload but she was having a rough one in high school and was just trying to keep up while her parents continued to smother her social life. I had hoped they'd forget about me and their desire to treat Lily like a ten-year-old, but that was not to be.
She told me what it was like to have them pick her up from school, walk in on her using the computer, sometimes even check her phone (the ultimate invasion of privacy for a teen girl, I believe). They were being mean to Lily and I guess it made me furious at them, because I felt my dislike of those two growing day by day.
There was one scene I had meant to drop in yesterday, so let's go back in time just slightly to after I had my conversation with Lily's father. It was the summertime and I had just finished my extra class, thus free time was aplenty. I lived in my parent's apartment but mostly slept at my friends' due to not liking him (my father, my mother is basically a ghost).
One day he caught me though as I made coffee. He was wearing his tie, carrying his briefcase, being the Patrick Bateman motherfucker he always has been. I will not be surprised when the party van takes him away for being a serial killer. Anyway - he comes in and asks what my dinner plans are. I say nothing, he says good we have reservations at a decent-level restaurant that he likes. We hadn't had a meal together, not just the two of us, since I was about 10. I tried not to connect it to Lily, but I did anyway. That entire day was horrible, just looking forward to him probably being disappoint at me while I tried not to choke him out.
We went do dinner and I reverted to a child, playing with my napkin, eating chicken nuggets, generally being an asshole. Only part of that is exaggeration.
He asked about school, if I was excited about working in the company, etc. Stupid nepotism that I know you all hate but it worked out for me even if it meant more deserving people get fucked. The world is not fair.
And then of course he brought it up. "So, Lily's father."
"He's still pretty upset. Convinced you did something with her when she was younger."
"Dad, how many times do we have to talk about this?"
"I didn't say I believe either of you, just be careful with him. Business is personal." [maybe not his exact words, but something equally trite and useless]
"I don't care what you do with your personal life, just don't do stupid things."
"If you and Lillian have something going on..."
"If you do, just be quiet about it. That's the last time I'm going to say it."
Dinner ended awkwardly, I ran away and went to bars with my friends until the wee hours of the morning. Probably bitched about my dad and annoyed everyone more than average, who knows.
While the above conversation is based on recollection and totally fallible he did say something along the lines of quietly sort of not really approving of it but also not caring.
So, I went back to college with weird approval from my father, the first time he'd approved of anything in my life since I chose my major in college. It was a strange feeling, but obviously I didn't and don't trust him and wondered if maybe it had been a trick to get me to admit it to him. The conspiracy theorist runs deep in your OP at times, and with Lily's dad seeing to invest his all in preventing his daughter from contacting me and diving into our past to find my 'sins' it felt like some of the conspiracy feelings were warranted.
My friends noticed I was slightly less depressed and a fucking weirdo during that semester, I told them I was back together with my girlfriend and left it at that. Kind of a lie, not really, and hopefully none of them were part of Lily's dad's far-reaching spy network.
As I said above we talked less often than before, Lily and I, but I still enjoyed when we were able to. She was maturing a lot and it showed, she was certainly not the average 11-year-old when we started talking (sweet moot, what a pedo) but now she was growing up even more. She'd always been able to have conversations with me, but they worked at a higher level now...I don't know how to explain it exactly. It just felt like we clicked really well every time we spoke to one another, like we fell into one another's rhythm the moment the chat window opened with a "hey". I've never had that feeling with someone else, like they really get me and are interested in me, and vice versa. It was...great.
Maybe we were both growing up together, I am sure the internet psychologists out there have already diagnosed me with manchild syndrome, so perhaps my emotional age was always approximately alongside hers and now the two of us were slowly moving towards adulthood alongside one another. I like to think of it like that, personally.
Let's get a little deeper there, I think that's some ground I've yet to explore even now.
Was I just an emotionally stunted teen when we first started talking? I think so. Like a lot of you out there, and I'm not trying to insult you, I was ahead academically but behind emotionally. My personality was shit, I had no friends, I just had my good grades and my vidya games and my /b/. I did not mature alongside most normal people when I was in junior high and then high school, at least I do not think I did. When they were drinking, hooking up, etc it felt like I was either not cool enough or not old enough to join in.
I do not think that having sex with Lily was 100% the right thing to do. But I also do not think that I was fully in the wrong, I think we were far more 'equal' than we would be in any court of law. I don't know how many girls are sexually active at 13/14 or how many are capable of having serious feelings at 10 (as Lily claimed), but... She was the first person I had really serious feelings for, despite our relationship starting out with her trickery.
Lily made me understand why people had girlfriends, why people dated, why people obsessed over their 'other halves'. She was the first person to make me feel like a grown-up with grown-up feelings.
Did I take advantage of my age or my "male privilege"? Maybe. Did I hurt her? Maybe. Was I mature enough for the relationship in the first place? No, judging by my actions my freshman year she was far more able to handle it than I ever was.
I don't know guys. This started out as just a one-off story I was not going to expand on and now you are actually getting me to look inward and it is exciting and painful and... I don't know.
Sorry for the derailment but, well, there it is.
Lily made me a man, the man I am today.
Okay. Back to senior year - the semester is ending and I am about to go see her...
Leaving the inside of my head behind, let's move into the real world, just a few years ago. I hopped on the plane down to the office, sort of excited but mostly not as I'd be seeing the man who hated me literally every day while I was down there (maybe not literally, I had Sundays off). Dinner at their house was obviously out of the question, but I entertained the fantasy of showing up anyway.
Of course having him blow me away the moment I stepped foot into his home was how that fantasy ended usually and I did not have a desire to be murdered,just not my particular fantasy though I'm sure one reader out there has a boner thinking about it.
It was so uncomfortable. Incredibly uncomfortable. Or at least it was when I first walked into the office, avoiding the eyes from the back office that I was sure were burning with uncontrollable rage, probably some sort of Lucifer-esque fire shooting from them.
I was scared which was a weird feeling. My fear before had been being found out, now my fear was being confronted by a man who actually frightened me, being confronted with facts that I would not be able to deny or not be able to answer. Gulp.
Was the sex worth this fear? No, it wasn't.
But - was Lily worth this fear? Was Lily worth any amount of uncomfortable moments? Yes, she was. That was why I had come back, something I had to keep reminding myself.
He sent me messages via his secretary. Before he'd come to my desk, now it was all through third parties. That first day he brushed by my desk on his way out, not speaking to me or touching me or even acknowledging me outside of the one memo with a list of tasks on it.
I was nobody, invisible, someone who didn't matter. I realized this after a couple more days of being ignored, and hell yeah I could live with that.
So that covers the work aspect and the Lily's dad aspect, for the time being. I was no one and that was not a problem at all. I could live with being no one so long as he never actually talked directly to me. Also, this meant he must have had no evidence of anything...right? Right? Okay, leaving work behind.
Lily knew, obviously, that I was coming down to work and had been thinking about possibilities to see me. It was not going to be easy due to her parents having her on a tight leash, but they'd started to loosen up slightly over the previous semester. However the moment my feet touched the soil of the same city she was in, her parents snapped right back into /r9k/ mode, banning left and right. Er, that doesn't exactly work. They got strict again, keeping track of everywhere she went, who she was with, etc.
Remember, her birthday is just before winter break (not saying the month due to fear) and she had thus just turned 17. (Sorry loli fans) She was 17 for moot's sake, I did not understand why she was being treated like a child just because I was around. But she was and I couldn't do anything about it except sigh and mope.
Of course our two heads together were smarter than her parents', so we came up with a few potential plans to see one another. Unfortunately the best one involved one of her friends covering for us, and it seemed like the only real plausible way. At this time I did not know one of her friends had actually sold me out, as it were, to her dad (this story would probably go way differently had I known), so I reluctantly went along with it.
Lily went to her friend's house, friend confirmed Lily was there, Lily spoke to her parents, Lily then went to restaurant where I'd meet her. Yeah, not exactly the bedroom reunion you (I) were (was) hoping for, but better than nothing!
But the restaurant meetup! Ah, it made it all worth it! She swept in looking gorgeous, though not exactly dolled up for a ball at the governor's mansion, she could have been wearing anything and I'd have had the same reaction. This girl was beautiful inside and out - from talking online I was in love with her inside, her personality, her true self. And after all that, each time I saw her in person I just loved her more. I know most people are beautiful on the inside, or so Walt Disney taught me, but rarely do they also get blessed with being appropriately beautiful on the outside. I think most us /b/tards fall into the majority camp, where we may talk real good but are still shlubby butts on the outside.
I met Lily with a big hug, holding back the kiss I wanted to give her. We walked into the restaurant, and she grabbed my hand. Having her hand fly into mine, grip it tight, our fingers interlocking...my god. THe beauty of it, of her showing she missed me, even needed me. It felt amazing.
That lasted for just a few moments until we reached our table. She stood by her seat. It wasn't a five-star restaurant, I am not really the overdoing it kind of guy (yes I am) but it was okay and we were among just a handful of customers.
She wasn't a kid any more, she still looked young and probably would for a while, but fuck anyone who was looking. I hugged her again after we just stood there looking at each other. My hands fell down her, holding the small of her back, pressing her closer.
Lily moved her arms to my shoulders. That oh-so-familiar motion, fingers brushing the back of my neck. I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers.
We had not kissed in years. Years, anon. It was as magical as I had hoped, our mouths parting, that same regular motion as before, the same as it had always been. The same but better, more emotion behind it, more years of desire and experience...
We had to break away eventually.
We did so reluctantly, hands slowly falling off of one another, our faces coming apart, eyes looking right into one another's. Seeing her face so close up, her beautiful eyes, her beautiful dimples still unchanged...
The fact that we had managed to stand up and kiss was lost on me in that moment, but as you all remember she had once upon a time worried about our height difference. I still had to bend down, and she was on tip-toes, but we did kiss without sitting.
How far we'd come. In so, so many ways.
It felt like I was shaking all over as I sat. I did not have a world-shattering erection as I usually did with her, though I am sure I had one, but that wasn't what I was focused on in the moment. I was focused on her, my Lily. We had kissed again, finally. She still cared about me. And I still most definitely loved her with every fiber of my being.
I think Eminem said something about loving someone so much that it hurts. Or maybe Aesop, one of the two. I knew that feel. I had thought I knew it before but now I really truly knew it. I loved her more than anything in the world.
So that was what I said after we ordered drinks. "I love you, Lily."
My voice shook with emotion even though I tried to steady it. I'm a beta fag and we know it but I tried to not be. How do you tell someone how they make you feel? How do you say how often they are in your thoughts? I did not go for the Shakesperean soliloquy. We ordered food.
She finally said it - she loved me too. It came during talk about our years apart. She said how much she missed me.
I could hardly bear the thought of it.
Lily, on her bed, in the bedroom we had first kissed, thirteen years old, crying her eyes out over an asshole who had taken her everything and then dropped her. I had caused that pain and even though she was now years away from it I felt like an animal for having caused it.
"But I couldn't hate you."
That was half what I had been waiting for.
"Because I still loved you."
Yeah, I prompted it, but I had to.
"I love you."
There it was. I almost dove at her, grabbing her and kissing her and whispering how much she meant to me in her ear. But the table was bolted to the floor and my diving wasn't very good so I decided not to.
We ate and chatted about her day, with one eye kept on the clock at all times to ensure we did not go over the appointed time she had to arrive at her home.
"So, your dad."
"He never talks about you. You talk about him more often than he mentions you."
Der, I felt idiotic for realizing maybe I was obsessing over him more than anyone else was obsessing over anyone else. Definitely should have considered this.
"But he says he knows we did stuff when I was younger."
Okay, we had covered this before. I tried not to push it, but rather asked how he treated her, whether or not she was okay.
"He called me a slut when he found out."
The world stopped spinning and I saw red. He had called his sweet, innocent, perfect daughter that word. His own daughter! She had never, would never... Well she had done that but she wasn't... I know I use that word myself in a joking manner even in this story and should not try to take the semantic moral high ground, but FUCK HIM. I spat out "what the hell?" while Lily looked at her plate sadly.
"He said I should have known better."
"Where was he getting this?" It seemed like her dad was using his suspicions to attack her, and even though this conversation had happened many months previous I wanted to punch him in the teeth for daring to make her feel less than. Maybe this was when I finally became a man, as my fear of her dad was suddenly gone, replaced with likely somewhere near the same amount of hatred he had for me.
"He said he just knew."
I wouldn't let anyone talk like that to her, not ever.
Obviously she saw the rage spilling over as I seethed, unable to come up with a verbal response.
"Don't be mad. It's okay."
Again, trying to contain the venom I was feeling building in my...throat? Brain? Venom glands? I spoke very carefully. "He shouldn't. Talk to you. Like that."
My desire to be in a movie was very high at that moment, with a sudden villain appearing, demanding me to take care of him and restore the honor of my one true love.
"I don't want to talk about it." She shut down the conversation icily, her voice containing a hard edge I was not familiar with. It would almost scare me, but instead it just defused my anger... Lily had dealt with this shit all alone. I hadn't been able to do anything and there had been no one on her side. I'd been so obsessed with how -I- was impacted and how -I- could deal with it...I had not thought for nearly long enough about what she had to have been going through. I'll always regret that. I should have bought a plane ticket immediately, talked to her dad, and if he refused to see reason, snatched Lily and run away to St. Kitts. If only...if only.
Ironically something along the lines of that was suggested in the last thread. If someone invents a time machine please find faggot stupid idiot OP and tell him.
So I let my anger turn fully into disappoint at myself, making it be about me again, and then slowly shift to apologetic.
"I should have been there for you."
It is only now that I look back on her demanding we not be 'secret', now I wonder if that caused all this, if maybe it was her fault... But that doesn't matter. Her expectations made perfect sense, and I say that even now. I just wish we had...I don't know, we had been more honest or more careful. One or the other.
But then the dinner was over. We'd talked for easily two hours and she had to swiftly head home.
The goodbye was so difficult. Any sexual arousal was gone, I was filled with so many confusing emotions I had no idea which to stick with.
Maybe this is why I doubted following through with this story, as the boner-inducing stuff got so swiftly outweighed by these things. The real life, the real feelings and difficulties that came with a difficult, abnormal relationship. But here we are and I'm still continuing but getting more and more navel-gazing with each installment, fuck someone make me stop okay thanks.
The next day at work, following our dinner date (where we did indeed kiss goodbye, forgot to include that, but it was far more brief as she was running late and scared of ruining chances for another meetup) (Oh, and the fact that she planned on meeting up again...well, hopefully you are 10% as excited as I was that she had planned that far ahead) (Why am I writing this part in parentheses).
Right, the next day at work nothing was different except one major thing. I made direct eye contact with her dad when I came in. No glaring, no hissing and baring of my teeth. But I looked at him and pursed my lips. I wasn't going to lie down and be his bitch, I would fight him about this and I would do anything to make him pay for what he'd done to Lily.
Had what I'd done to her left even more of a scar? Perhaps. But I could only self-flagellate for so long and having someone outside of myself to be angry at simplified things plenty for your OP. When he walked past me I'd swivel my chair and look at him. He never responded, usually averting his eyes within moments. It may have been really stupid to have such an obvious change come about without any warning, maybe he connected it to Lily going out, but then again that is more conspiracy then even I am willing to buy into. Mostly.
I wanted to make him uncomfortable and maybe I succeeded. And I knew I wouldn't stop with that...just had to find the right way to fuck him in a permanent manner. Or kill him. Suddenly I was starting to understand the emotions he potentially had towards me.
Good news everyone, while I have about 45 minutes left to write, there will be one final part after this one, due to me being a wordy bastard. All that stuff about feels was not planned to be in this but I don't know, you got me in a mood of sorts. Maybe it is the lack of coffee or the fact that I took thirty Xanax before I started today.
But we have one more major scene before then. I'm going to have to pick up the pace a little though.
I did not turn full alpha, mostly I just looked at her dad and let him know I wasn't scared of him. This was more than the OP of two days previous would have done, so I was proud of myself even though it was useless and/or meaningless. The anger bubbled inside me though. I wondered what else he might have said or done that Lily had not told me, but when we talked I avoided bringing it up, fully aware of how much it had hurt her to even bring it up with me in the first place.
So we kept talking and four weeks was over before I knew it, with one more meetup between us planned. This one was a few more hours than the previous and I had pretty obvious hopes for it that Lily seemed to be reciprocating. We would have dinner and then retire to somewhere else before she went home. You know where this is heading and so did I and so did she and oh boy it had me as excited as anon when he first saw that porn of Michelle Obama fucking an anthropomorphized french fry.
We met at a restaurant closer to my hotel. We kissed hello and ate rather quickly (or maybe I just shoveled it down because I am a maniac and was praying I knew what was next). I asked if she was alright with going to my place after eating and she said she had hoped to.
I had not been a monk since we had broken up, as I said I'd had sex with a couple girls in college though that was more about being drunk and in college than actually liking anyone. But it had been about two years since the previous time, and three and a half since I'd been with Lily. So I was excited and nervous and wondering if she'd been waiting and wondering if it'd feel the same and...well, everything that comes when you are riding in the elevator to your hotel room with your once and forever greatest love -- you've felt that haven't you? Okay well try it on for size it is bizarre.
When we were in my hotel room we reverted right back to what we had been. That summer she had been a nervous if excited teen who stripped her clothes off and hopped into bed with me - or rather hopped atop me. I had been an excited, horny wreck who wanted nothing more than to have her close to me, ripping clothes off and jumping into bed within seconds of the door closing.
And that was still what we were. Before the door closed we were all over each other. She had not morphed into a sex goddess, no jumping into my arms or fingering my butthole or tearing my shirt in an erotic fit of ecstasy. We just kissed in the doorway, hands up and down one another, finally with me holding her head close to mine, her wavering dangerous on her very tippiest of toes, trying to reach my height (I love that she was shorter than me, probably one of my very specific favorite attributes of her). We staggered towards the bed, simultaneously, with her unbuttoning and removing her shirt after dropping her sweater, revealing a much more adult bra than the last one I'd seen, holding breasts that were certainly fuller but still along the lines of what I knew. Her sides curved somewhat more than I remembered, and I rubbed my hands up and down that bare, smooth skin a few times, marveling at the change, the beauty, the perfection of her. I sat down on the bed as she unbuttoned her jeans.
I ripped my own pants off as she finished undressing, revealing her naked body (though the bra remained on for the moment) to me. She was so beautiful, I almost feel like I would do her a dishonor trying to describe. Lily was perfect. Imagine your perfect girl, she was that. That and more. I loved seeing how she'd changed and yet remained familiar, again my hands on her hips, the once-subtle curves there somewhat more pronounced. I put my hand on her stomach, it remained small and taut, her belly button the same little winking nub it always had been. She climbed onto the bed, on my lap, and we kissed like lovers separated for eons and finally back in one another's arms. I did manage to get a condom on somewhere in the fracas, don't worry this is not a tale of accidental pregnancy despite that being what OP deserves. I went back to the headboard, leaned against it with my shoulder blades pressing into the cold wood. This was exactly how we'd done it before, exactly. Everything was the same, the only thing that had changed was us, and at the same time we were the things that had most stayed the same.
She kissed me more, resting on my thighs, my boner comically large as she finally moved upwards, held it gently with her hand, and slid me into her. We didn't have to fight as much this time, though she was nearly as tight as before. She slid up and down, my hands on her hips, getting me deeper each time.
After a while it felt incredible, felt like more than I had ever remembered. Excuse the fact that I'm getting all sex on you again, but... I looked down. This was the first time, ever, that I'd been all the way inside of her. Maybe this should just be ignored or maybe I should move past it, but it felt important to me.
I was in her. We were one. I can't write porn very well.
You can have some tears with your fap just this once, we'll keep it between the two of us.
So we fucked. But more than that. We were starved for one another physically, but this was more like making love. I did not roll her over and pound her into oblivion as anon might be fantasizing. We kept it the way it always had been, her moving slowly, adjusting, in charge of the motion, my lips all over her, undoing her bra and removing it after a moment, my hands on her, her hands on me...
She went so slow. We weren't quite as frantic, fucking until we were both sore, we took our time.
Like all things, it came to an end. We lay together. She moved to my side, curled around me, her arm over my chest, her legs intertwining with mine. Her head just below my chin, like that one moment when she was 13...hair still familiarly dark and soft.
We just lay there, not speaking, not moving, not doing anything.
It was perfect. A small break to say; don't believe all the conspiracies.
Also the quads I got last time have confirmed that I should be writing this so that's good.
She had to leave. Our parting was incredibly reluctant, and we both knew it'd be some time before we saw one another again. My plane left the next day. I didn't care if her parents thought we had met up any more...I didn't care about anything past Lily.
I walked her all the way to the curb, kissed as she got into the taxi. Watched it disappear around a corner before making my way up to my hotel room, the bed disheveled... My heart felt like it was tearing for the millionth time since I'd started this entire saga. But I learned to embrace the feeling. The pain was part of the love, it just came with it. Bittersweet feels are not so good but they are an acquired taste.
I flew back home. I entered my last semester of college, prepping to enter the Real World and maybe Making Something of Myself as was expected. Communication with Lily was near-constant and I talked a little more openly about how much I enjoyed her physically, trying to be slightly less beta. I said I wanted her in my arms every night for the rest of my life. I would never love anyone the way I loved her. She said the same to me, adding that after all these years, how could she not have those feelings?
It felt so good. I did not know how I deserved her and she did not know how she deserved me. We were young and in love and no one else could change that or impact us.
I was so happy. :)
End thread 6, I'll be back on Sunday. The End