The Catfish Man
>set up catfish account
>some girl messages me within 2 minutes
>reply "im not one for online chit chat, lets meet up for a coffee, dear. ;)"
>she fucking accepts
>tell her to go to the zoo
>"I'll meet you by the monkeys"
>20 mins after I said I'd be there she texts
>"where are you?"
>"I am a monkey"
>she never texts back
>i have 6 unread messages
>decide to roll for which girl I fuck with
>roll a 4
>it's this fat ukranian chick
>pass messages back and forth all day at work
>tell her I can't wait to meet her and we must meet tonight
>tell her I want to take her to my favourite restaurant at 8
>text her the directions
>it's actually an Arbys
>i'm camped outside in the parking lot
>ive gotten more brazen
>she texts back at 8:03
>"uhh did you give me the right address?"
>"yes just order me some curly fries"
>see this fat ham planet waddle out with a bag of shit from arbys
>text her "damn you a fat bitch"
>speed out of there as fast as I can
>look in rear view mirror at this ukranian girl totally confused holding arbys
>change my profile to say "im only interested in black women, sorry ladies."
>get one reply
>its fucking warren sapp in drag
>tell her ive never fucked an defensive lineman before
>she gets mad
>she says if i want a chance i have to be a gentleman
>tell her to let me make it up to her and take her to the opera
>but since im at work can she buy the tix
>she agrees and buys tickets to which I will repay
>never respond to anymore of her messages
by now you know most of my diablical plans involve bitches spending money on dates that will never happen. A little gender payback. This one is by far the most petty.
>arrange to meet a girl from literally 2 cities away
>about a 3 hour drive
>say we'll meet in the middle to save gas expenses and to be fair
>i stay at home and watch the wire
>she spends an hour and a half driving to some starbucks
>she texts me an hour after the date
>"hi are you still coming, im waiting here. :)"
>my response "you just spent like $15 on gas....hahahaha bitch im 8 and have a 10 inch dick"
>she called my phne 12 times
>threatened to call the cops
>I begged her not to over texts
>she only agreed if i met with her and my parents so they could punish me
>she said to give me my address
>tell her to come by tomorrow
>she drives another 3 hours the next day to pay her revenge
>laugh at her when she figures out I gave her the address to the arbys
>im becoming a monster
>im messaging girls all fucking day at work
>boss thinks im a fucking legend staying in late
>just to wrapped up with my alter ego
>message one girl to come meet me for some drinks at the place about a block from work
>"i know that place! It's got karoke right?"
>decide to go there
>live on the scene
>she waits 20 minutes
>texts me "jerk"
>text her back with a picture of an old woman in a hospital
>tell her "my gran just died...sorry..."
>look at her face in real time
>she feels like such a bitch
>then text her, "how about i come see you in an hour."
>she smiles and texts me her address
>order dominos to her house as soon as she leaves from the bar phone
>knock on the door
>its the police
>before I open door im putting magnets from fridge on my computer
>aint gonna get me that easy bitches
>"officers." I say with a sly grin
>"we received reports that someone in your registered vehicle was in the parking lot of an arby's a few days ago... do you know anything about this?"
>"i like roast beef sandwiches. Is that a crime?"
>talk with them for about 10 minutes longer
>they leave and apologize for wasting my time
>even the cops can't stop catfishman
>start getting nervous
>start doing all catfishing on a vpn
>dont even know if that will protect me
>arrange to meet 1 indian chick at a casino
>tell her to get all fancy cause i like to dress to the 9's
>sitting at blackjack table with wayne gretzky jersey
>see this hot jasmine girl walk in
>text her "oh shit i thought you were a casino indian, nm"
>"sir you can't use your phone at the table"
>turn off phone
>flip over my cards
>prepare yourself for 10x the laughs
>10x the laughs
>arrange a date
>with 10 girls
>all at the same restaurant
>in fact the same table
>at the same time
>sitting in corner booth with my mom
>just taking her our because im a "good son"
>how could a good son be catfishman
>the perfect cover
>girl 1 walks in
>shes got a huge smile on her face
>girl 2 walks in and is seated
>both girls are confused
>girl 3 comes 2 minutes later
>they all start talking
>pretty soon 6 more drop by
>1 was a no show
>they are all comparing phones and messages
>getting super heated
>I text one of them
>"the bastard just texted me"
>"what did he say?"
>"it says ever seen the hunger games?"
>realize ive been banned by POF
>move on to okcupid
>do the exact same thing
>see fucking same girl as day 1 girl
>give her the dog and pony show
>shes fucking smitten
>ask her whats a good date idea
>she tells me "ice cream is good and maybe a walk"
>"sounds great, how about we try that at the zoo?"
>takes a long ass time to respond
>literally next day
>figured she figured me out
>figured shed realize that a 6 like her wouldnt have a chance with the male model i was reppin
>mother of god she's stupid
>"meet me by the entrance after work"
>go there with nephew
>she's there with a fucking plain clothes policeman
>i know because its the same guy who knocked on my door
>walk right past them
>they were none the wiser
>she texts me while im getting my face painted with my neph
>text her back "meet me by the monkeys! :)"
>walk past her in face paint and smile
>cop is on his phone
>its getting hot
>leave without texting her
>on way back i play "hey hey we're the monkeys" in the car for nephew
>he loves it
>figure ive pranked a ton of girls
>cops are after me
>how come I havent gotten any recognition?
>how come the news isnt covering the catfishman?
>start getting pissed off
>literally checking #catfishman every hour
>for the date I have planned that evening have something special
>tell the girl we're going for coffee
>"you coming? coffees getting cold. So am I. ;)"
>tell her to check the board where they have all these band posters
>"i left you a surprise."
>right in the middle
>printed in comic sans...
>"WHO IS THE CATFISHMAN?"
>she replies, "umm?"
>throw away my burner as to not leave a trace
>still not a fucking peep on social media
>these fucking bitches are too dumb
>decide to play in a bigger pond
>a pond with men
>i go on okcupid and change my profile to bi
>start chatting up all these gay guys
>one guy instantly offers sex
>"ok but i dont want my roommate seeing us..."
>"come over. you got a big dick?"
>"there's a reason the girls call me cat fish man"
>he didnt fucking get it
>"lets try something dirty, how about we do it in a car?"
>give him the address
>2 hours later get a text... "im waiting in the arbys parking lot...where are you its 11?"
>coworker sees my okcupid profile at work
>"haha trying online dating man? I'm doing it too...girls are crazy sluts on this site"
>looks at my profile
>doesnt see picture just sees "Interested in men"
>he gets super awkward
>"oh... I uhh... see you at the meeting."
>at the meeting he makes a snide comment trying to call me gay
>appear weak and meager
>dont want him to know my secret identity
>tear up a bit
>spend rest of work day hunting down his profile
>the catfish man is coming work friend.
>the catfishman just did the most diabolical thing ever
>and became the catfishwoman
>start chatting up work friend
>im a fucking blond bombshell and hes a fucking 5.5 if that
>he has no fucking game
>trying my darndest to get him to do the invite
>he finally asks me after like 9 messages
>we're going for drinks
>tell him to bring condoms
>now for part 2 of my plan
>post his pic on tinder
>'interested in men'
>profile says "will suck dick if you're okay with me pretending to be straight'
>get a response from this asian guy whos twice our age
>tell him to meet me at the bar
>go their 20 mins before
>hiding in corner of bar restaurant trying not to laugh
>see work mate waiting at bar
>see this asian guy walk right up to him being super gay
>work mate is confused
>snap picture of the two of them
>print it out the next day and post it around the office with hashtag #catfishman
>everyone thinks he's gay now :)
>on this day the catfishman would meet his greatest foe
>start trolling this one nerdy girl
>she likes comics just like me
>even has a softspot for some villains
>she asks me who my favourite villains are
>"the green goblin, kraven, catfishman, vermin--all the best ones."
>we text for fucking hours that night talking about music and life
>she's so fucking cool
>i want to actually go on a date with this girl so bad
>have no idea how to
>she thinks im a 6'4 australian rugby player
>who is worldly, lives a playboy lifestyle, and all that shit
>tell her im going to plan the most epic of dates
>one she wont soon forget
>the night though
>i needed a fix
>i needed to feel power
>so I set up a quick date with a single mom
>"little late notice, but i can get the baby sitter"
>a new fucking low
>she was working 2 jobs or something too
>I am catfishman...super villain
>she texts me about 2 hours later... "are you coming... if not i really need to get back."
>"yes just wait for me my dear."
>30 mins later "almost there"
>45 mins later "just parking"
>"im leaving this is ridiculous."
>"just like your hair bitch."
>she calls me and screams at me for wasting her time saying how she now owes the babysitter $20 and for what
>"your babysitter sounds hot. What's her number?"
>tell nerdy girl the plans
>we're meeting in china town
>at this old bubble tea place
>she goes in
>sits down at the table right across from me
>she's even cuter in person
>i start talking to the old asian lady at the counter
>talking really loudly
>"heh i have those first date jitters."
>nerdy girl smiles.
>we're both waiting there a good 30 minutes
>im just reading comics on my phone
>had to turn it off because of the vibrations when she texted though
>eventually she speaks up, "heh, yours isn't coming either?"
>"nope." try not to tear up as I thought of my dead dog
>get up leave a tip for the old asian lady
>walk out with a sigh
>wait for her to leave as I wait in my car
>part 1 is complete
day 17 continued
>turn phone back on
>see a shit ton of texts
>see her leave teary eyed about 15 minutes later
>she hops into her car
>and I fucking follow her like some kind of stalker
>she gets out at this apartment complex
>I write down the address then go home to catfish some more bitches to make myself feel better
>see a girl i knew from high school and set up a date for the next day
>happy about that
>but more happy about my plan with nerdy girl
>girl from high school has changed a lot
>she's way more mature and about 50 pounds heavier in her pics
>tell her i want to take her to see the avengers
>she says shes not big into movies on first dates but eventually agrees if im paying
>"dont you worry my dear. Dont even think of bringing your wallet."
>heres where things get good
>while im at the movie theater loling at this highschool crush i was also handing in a resume
>why? you'll see but know catfishman is always 2 steps ahead of dumb bitches
>i got an instant interview so i didnt see what happened to highschool girl but i didnt even care because I got it
>i got the projectionist position at the theater
>and I started right away
>take day off at my real job
>said I needed a CFM day
>receptionist had no idea what that meant
>create a new account and hunt down nerdy girl
>this time the suitor is just a normal guy
>within a few messages we're fucking talking like old chums
>she really likes this stock photo guy
>"want to go to a movie?"
>"sure!!! Have you seen Avengers?"
>"No. No I haven't."
>I worked 3 showings of the Avengers that day as the projectionist
>when she arrives i text her to meet me inside the theater, "ill be there in a minute"
>however on her seat (we have assigned seats here) a playing card with a cat fish drawn on it
>she picks it up and looks at it for a second
>the suitor never shows and she just sits there by herself and watches the movie in sadness
>I felt so bad
>i watched her the entire time
>when she was preparing to leave
>i took off my uniform and ran for the parking lot
>i then pretended like I was going in
>we crossed paths for a moment
>she kind of recognized me
>but I just kept walking
>part 2 complete
>quit my job at the movie theater
>i needed funds for part 3 though
>and while my regular work had decent pay
I needed a little bit more to cover costs
>so I dug up my old costume: catfishwoman
>and went on the prowl
>and started hitting on guys in the states
>telling them im sick of my family and just waiting for an excuse to leave them
>not even 2 hours in this old creepy guy on okcupid offers to pay my flight if i skype with him for a bit
>basically have camera up to my bare fucking hairless beta legs the whole time
>dont even say any words just listen to him say the creepiest shit and then the click clak of fap
>he's fapping to the image of my bare legs
>"why dont you show me your pussy."
>i turn off the camera and type "save it for when we meet. :)"
>he paypals me $900
>tell him to meet me at the airport the next day
>meanwhile I head over to the apartments of the nerdy girl
>there is a sign on the front lawn that says "rent!" go in and speak with a manager
>go in and put damage deposit down without even looking
>see the plan is to pretend im moving in there
>so we're like neighbours
>and she can talk to me
>however things dont go as planned
>hang around the fucking halls for the entire night
>she does not come
>i message nerdy girl on a new catfish account
>she doesnt respond
>i get anxious and make another
>i have a legion of accounts now
>i literally bought a gig on fiverr to make me 20 accounts for $5
>"catfishman catfishman does what ever bitch he can, hey now here comes the catfish man." i sing to myself
>just doing that made me feel like a real super villain
>i messaged her on fucking 8 different accounts and waited
>she didnt respond
>I went back to the apartment hoping to maybe catch her walking
>when I noticed the police and an ambulance waiting outside
>a whole crowd of people were around
>I talked to the manager guy
>"whats going on?"
>"some girl was raped last night."
>oh fuck now.
>head back to my car
>my eyes suspiciously meet with one of the on duty cops
>its the magnet/zoo cop... and he fucking recognizes me
>get into car quickly and play games the rest of the night trying not to think about it
>trying to do my work
>when all of a sudden the receptionist walks in with two cops
>they'll never figure it out, you're too sssssmart for them
>its the same cop
>"hi yes, we're investigating an incident...where were you two nights ago?"
>"I...I..." I'm about to break down
>"playing video games. why?"
>"we're going to have to ask you to come downtown."
>go with them
>whole office is in an uproar
>almost died of a heart attack as we passed a "who is the catfishman" poster by the lunchroom
>make a statement, have no alibi without causing suspicion, but offer dna samples
>go home and seriously consider running away
all you faggots are trying to catfish the catfishman. You can't.
>a few weeks later they catch the guy who raped nerdy girl
>i go back to her apartments to get my damage deposit back
>i spent $900 on a failed plan
>i wasnt that smart to be honest
>see nerdy girl walking sheepishly to her car
>want to say something to her
>want to tell her how i wish I was there to help her
>how i never wanted any harm to happen to her
>but then realize
>i am catfishman
>if i never did what i did the first 2 times she might have found a boyfriend and she would never have been raped
>she walks into her car and drives off
>I sit out front for a little bit
>what i was doing to peoples lives
>how mean I was...
>and then... like a sign...
>monkey girl from day 1 walks by
>she goes inside without even giving me a smile or a nod
>walks right passed me like im a ghost
>i snicker as I pull out my phone.
>I will never stop. I will always be out there.
BEWARE ALL THOSE WHO DATE ONLINE. I AM OUT THERE. LURKING. WAITING. EMOJING. I AM CATFISHMAN. (.)<
fin thanks for a wild ride guys