Editing The Catfish Man

day 1
[[File:CatfishUSE-Picture.jpg|thumb]]
{{Greentext|>set up catfish account
}}{{Greentext|>some girl messages me within 2 minutes
}}{{Greentext|>reply "im not one for online chit chat, lets meet up for a coffee, dear. ;)"
}}{{Greentext|>she fucking accepts
}}{{Greentext|>tell her to go to the zoo
}}{{Greentext|>"I'll meet you by the monkeys"
}}{{Greentext|>20 mins after I said I'd be there she texts
}}{{Greentext|>"where are you?"
}}{{Greentext|>"I am a monkey"
}}{{Greentext|>she never texts back}}

day 2

{{Greentext|>i have 6 unread messages
}}{{Greentext|>decide to roll for which girl I fuck with
}}{{Greentext|>roll a 4
}}{{Greentext|>it's this fat ukranian chick
}}{{Greentext|>pass messages back and forth all day at work
}}{{Greentext|>tell her I can't wait to meet her and we must meet tonight
}}{{Greentext|>she agrees
}}{{Greentext|>tell her I want to take her to my favourite restaurant at 8
}}{{Greentext|>she agrees
}}{{Greentext|>text her the directions
}}{{Greentext|>it's actually an Arbys
}}{{Greentext|>i'm camped outside in the parking lot
}}{{Greentext|>ive gotten more brazen
}}{{Greentext|>she texts back at 8:03
}}{{Greentext|>"uhh did you give me the right address?"
}}{{Greentext|>"yes just order me some curly fries"
}}{{Greentext|>see this fat ham planet waddle out with a bag of shit from arbys
}}{{Greentext|>text her "damn you a fat bitch"
}}{{Greentext|>speed out of there as fast as I can
}}{{Greentext|>look in rear view mirror at this ukranian girl totally confused holding arbys}}

day 3

{{Greentext|>change my profile to say "im only interested in black women, sorry ladies."
}}{{Greentext|>get one reply
}}{{Greentext|>its fucking warren sapp in drag
}}{{Greentext|>tell her ive never fucked an defensive lineman before
}}{{Greentext|>she gets mad
}}{{Greentext|>she says if i want a chance i have to be a gentleman
}}{{Greentext|>tell her to let me make it up to her and take her to the opera
}}{{Greentext|>but since im at work can she buy the tix
}}{{Greentext|>she agrees and buys tickets to which I will repay
}}{{Greentext|>never respond to anymore of her messages}}

day 4

by now you know most of my diablical plans involve bitches spending money on dates that will never happen. A little gender payback. This one is by far the most petty.

{{Greentext|>arrange to meet a girl from literally 2 cities away
}}{{Greentext|>about a 3 hour drive
}}{{Greentext|>say we'll meet in the middle to save gas expenses and to be fair
}}{{Greentext|>she agrees
}}{{Greentext|>i stay at home and watch the wire
}}{{Greentext|>she spends an hour and a half driving to some starbucks
}}{{Greentext|>she texts me an hour after the date
}}{{Greentext|>"hi are you still coming, im waiting here. :)"
}}{{Greentext|>my response "you just spent like $15 on gas....hahahaha bitch im 8 and have a 10 inch dick"
}}{{Greentext|>she called my phne 12 times
}}{{Greentext|>threatened to call the cops
}}{{Greentext|>I begged her not to over texts
}}{{Greentext|>she only agreed if i met with her and my parents so they could punish me
}}{{Greentext|>agreed
}}{{Greentext|>she said to give me my address
}}{{Greentext|>agree
}}{{Greentext|>tell her to come by tomorrow
}}{{Greentext|>she drives another 3 hours the next day to pay her revenge
}}{{Greentext|>laugh at her when she figures out I gave her the address to the arbys}}

day 5

{{Greentext|>im becoming a monster
}}{{Greentext|>im messaging girls all fucking day at work
}}{{Greentext|>boss thinks im a fucking legend staying in late
}}{{Greentext|>just to wrapped up with my alter ego
}}{{Greentext|>catfishman
}}{{Greentext|>message one girl to come meet me for some drinks at the place about a block from work
}}{{Greentext|>she agrees
}}{{Greentext|>"i know that place! It's got karoke right?"
}}{{Greentext|>decide to go there
}}{{Greentext|>live on the scene
}}{{Greentext|>she waits 20 minutes
}}{{Greentext|>texts me "jerk"
}}{{Greentext|>text her back with a picture of an old woman in a hospital
}}{{Greentext|>tell her "my gran just died...sorry..."
}}{{Greentext|>look at her face in real time
}}{{Greentext|>she feels like such a bitch
}}{{Greentext|>then text her, "how about i come see you in an hour."
}}{{Greentext|>she smiles and texts me her address
}}{{Greentext|>order dominos to her house as soon as she leaves from the bar phone}}

day 6

{{Greentext|>knock on the door
}}{{Greentext|>its the police
}}{{Greentext|>before I open door im putting magnets from fridge on my computer
}}{{Greentext|>aint gonna get me that easy bitches
}}{{Greentext|>open door
}}{{Greentext|>"officers." I say with a sly grin
}}{{Greentext|>"we received reports that someone in your registered vehicle was in the parking lot of an arby's a few days ago... do you know anything about this?"
}}{{Greentext|>"i like roast beef sandwiches. Is that a crime?"
}}{{Greentext|>talk with them for about 10 minutes longer
}}{{Greentext|>they leave and apologize for wasting my time
}}{{Greentext|>im unstoppable
}}{{Greentext|>even the cops can't stop catfishman}}

day 7

{{Greentext|>start getting nervous
}}{{Greentext|>start doing all catfishing on a vpn
}}{{Greentext|>dont even know if that will protect me
}}{{Greentext|>arrange to meet 1 indian chick at a casino
}}{{Greentext|>tell her to get all fancy cause i like to dress to the 9's
}}{{Greentext|>be me
}}{{Greentext|>sitting at blackjack table with wayne gretzky jersey
}}{{Greentext|>see this hot jasmine girl walk in
}}{{Greentext|>text her "oh shit i thought you were a casino indian, nm"
}}{{Greentext|>"sir you can't use your phone at the table"
}}{{Greentext|>turn off phone
}}{{Greentext|>flip over my cards
}}{{Greentext|>21
}}{{Greentext|>"brownjack"}}

day 8

{{Greentext|>prepare yourself for 10x the laughs
}}{{Greentext|>literally
}}{{Greentext|>10x the laughs
}}{{Greentext|>arrange a date
}}{{Greentext|>with 10 girls
}}{{Greentext|>all at the same restaurant
}}{{Greentext|>in fact the same table
}}{{Greentext|>at the same time
}}{{Greentext|>sitting in corner booth with my mom
}}{{Greentext|>just taking her our because im a "good son"
}}{{Greentext|>how could a good son be catfishman
}}{{Greentext|>the perfect cover
}}{{Greentext|>girl 1 walks in
}}{{Greentext|>shes got a huge smile on her face
}}{{Greentext|>girl 2 walks in and is seated
}}{{Greentext|>both girls are confused
}}{{Greentext|>girl 3 comes 2 minutes later
}}{{Greentext|>they all start talking
}}{{Greentext|>pretty soon 6 more drop by
}}{{Greentext|>1 was a no show
}}{{Greentext|>they are all comparing phones and messages
}}{{Greentext|>getting super heated
}}{{Greentext|>I text one of them
}}{{Greentext|>"the bastard just texted me"
}}{{Greentext|>"what did he say?"
}}{{Greentext|>"it says ever seen the hunger games?"}}

day 9

{{Greentext|>realize ive been banned by POF
}}{{Greentext|>move on to okcupid
}}{{Greentext|>do the exact same thing
}}{{Greentext|>see fucking same girl as day 1 girl
}}{{Greentext|>monkey girl
}}{{Greentext|>give her the dog and pony show
}}{{Greentext|>shes fucking smitten
}}{{Greentext|>ask her whats a good date idea
}}{{Greentext|>she tells me "ice cream is good and maybe a walk"
}}{{Greentext|>"sounds great, how about we try that at the zoo?"
}}{{Greentext|>takes a long ass time to respond
}}{{Greentext|>literally next day}}

day 10

{{Greentext|>figured she figured me out
}}{{Greentext|>figured shed realize that a 6 like her wouldnt have a chance with the male model i was reppin
}}{{Greentext|>"sure"
}}{{Greentext|>mother of god she's stupid
}}{{Greentext|>"meet me by the entrance after work"
}}{{Greentext|>go there with nephew
}}{{Greentext|>she's there with a fucking plain clothes policeman
}}{{Greentext|>i know because its the same guy who knocked on my door
}}{{Greentext|>walk right past them
}}{{Greentext|>they were none the wiser
}}{{Greentext|>she texts me while im getting my face painted with my neph
}}{{Greentext|>"coming?"
}}{{Greentext|>text her back "meet me by the monkeys! :)"
}}{{Greentext|>walk past her in face paint and smile
}}{{Greentext|>cop is on his phone
}}{{Greentext|>its getting hot
}}{{Greentext|>leave without texting her
}}{{Greentext|>on way back i play "hey hey we're the monkeys" in the car for nephew
}}{{Greentext|>he loves it}}

day 11

{{Greentext|>figure ive pranked a ton of girls
}}{{Greentext|>cops are after me
}}{{Greentext|>how come I havent gotten any recognition?
}}{{Greentext|>how come the news isnt covering the catfishman?
}}{{Greentext|>start getting pissed off
}}{{Greentext|>literally checking #catfishman every hour
}}{{Greentext|>for the date I have planned that evening have something special
}}{{Greentext|>tell the girl we're going for coffee
}}{{Greentext|>"you coming? coffees getting cold. So am I. ;)"
}}{{Greentext|>tell her to check the board where they have all these band posters
}}{{Greentext|>"i left you a surprise."
}}{{Greentext|>right in the middle
}}{{Greentext|>printed in comic sans...
}}{{Greentext|>"WHO IS THE CATFISHMAN?"
}}{{Greentext|>she replies, "umm?"
}}{{Greentext|>"gotchya bitch."
}}{{Greentext|>throw away my burner as to not leave a trace}}

day 12

{{Greentext|>still not a fucking peep on social media
}}{{Greentext|>these fucking bitches are too dumb
}}{{Greentext|>decide to play in a bigger pond
}}{{Greentext|>a pond with men
}}{{Greentext|>i go on okcupid and change my profile to bi
}}{{Greentext|>start chatting up all these gay guys
}}{{Greentext|>one guy instantly offers sex
}}{{Greentext|>"ok but i dont want my roommate seeing us..."
}}{{Greentext|>"come over. you got a big dick?"
}}{{Greentext|>"there's a reason the girls call me cat fish man"
}}{{Greentext|>"?"
}}{{Greentext|>he didnt fucking get it
}}{{Greentext|>"lets try something dirty, how about we do it in a car?"
}}{{Greentext|>"hot."
}}{{Greentext|>give him the address
}}{{Greentext|>2 hours later get a text... "im waiting in the arbys parking lot...where are you its 11?"}}

day 13

{{Greentext|>coworker sees my okcupid profile at work
}}{{Greentext|>"haha trying online dating man? I'm doing it too...girls are crazy sluts on this site"
}}{{Greentext|>looks at my profile
}}{{Greentext|>doesnt see picture just sees "Interested in men"
}}{{Greentext|>he gets super awkward
}}{{Greentext|>"oh... I uhh... see you at the meeting."
}}{{Greentext|>at the meeting he makes a snide comment trying to call me gay
}}{{Greentext|>appear weak and meager
}}{{Greentext|>dont want him to know my secret identity
}}{{Greentext|>tear up a bit
}}{{Greentext|>spend rest of work day hunting down his profile
}}{{Greentext|>find it
}}{{Greentext|>the catfish man is coming work friend.}}

day 14

{{Greentext|>the catfishman just did the most diabolical thing ever
}}{{Greentext|>and became the catfishwoman
}}{{Greentext|>start chatting up work friend
}}{{Greentext|>im a fucking blond bombshell and hes a fucking 5.5 if that
}}{{Greentext|>he has no fucking game
}}{{Greentext|>trying my darndest to get him to do the invite
}}{{Greentext|>he finally asks me after like 9 messages
}}{{Greentext|>we're going for drinks
}}{{Greentext|>tell him to bring condoms
}}{{Greentext|>now for part 2 of my plan
}}{{Greentext|>post his pic on tinder
}}{{Greentext|>'interested in men'
}}{{Greentext|>profile says "will suck dick if you're okay with me pretending to be straight'
}}{{Greentext|>get a response from this asian guy whos twice our age
}}{{Greentext|>tell him to meet me at the bar
}}{{Greentext|>go their 20 mins before
}}{{Greentext|>hiding in corner of bar restaurant trying not to laugh
}}{{Greentext|>see work mate waiting at bar
}}{{Greentext|>see this asian guy walk right up to him being super gay
}}{{Greentext|>work mate is confused
}}{{Greentext|>snap picture of the two of them
}}{{Greentext|>print it out the next day and post it around the office with hashtag #catfishman
}}{{Greentext|>everyone thinks he's gay now :)}}

day 15

{{Greentext|>on this day the catfishman would meet his greatest foe
}}{{Greentext|>love
}}{{Greentext|>start trolling this one nerdy girl
}}{{Greentext|>she likes comics just like me
}}{{Greentext|>even has a softspot for some villains
}}{{Greentext|>she asks me who my favourite villains are
}}{{Greentext|>"the green goblin, kraven, catfishman, vermin--all the best ones."
}}{{Greentext|>we text for fucking hours that night talking about music and life
}}{{Greentext|>she's so fucking cool

day 16

}}{{Greentext|>i want to actually go on a date with this girl so bad
}}{{Greentext|>have no idea how to
}}{{Greentext|>she thinks im a 6'4 australian rugby player
}}{{Greentext|>who is worldly, lives a playboy lifestyle, and all that shit
}}{{Greentext|>tell her im going to plan the most epic of dates
}}{{Greentext|>one she wont soon forget
}}{{Greentext|>the night though
}}{{Greentext|>i needed a fix
}}{{Greentext|>i needed to feel power
}}{{Greentext|>so I set up a quick date with a single mom
}}{{Greentext|>"little late notice, but i can get the baby sitter"
}}{{Greentext|>a new fucking low
}}{{Greentext|>she was working 2 jobs or something too
}}{{Greentext|>didnt matter
}}{{Greentext|>I am catfishman...super villain
}}{{Greentext|>she texts me about 2 hours later... "are you coming... if not i really need to get back."
}}{{Greentext|>"yes just wait for me my dear."
}}{{Greentext|>30 mins later "almost there"
}}{{Greentext|>45 mins later "just parking"
}}{{Greentext|>"im leaving this is ridiculous."
}}{{Greentext|>"just like your hair bitch."
}}{{Greentext|>she calls me and screams at me for wasting her time saying how she now owes the babysitter $20 and for what
}}{{Greentext|>"your babysitter sounds hot. What's her number?"}}

day 17

{{Greentext|>tell nerdy girl the plans
}}{{Greentext|>we're meeting in china town
}}{{Greentext|>at this old bubble tea place
}}{{Greentext|>she goes in
}}{{Greentext|>sits down at the table right across from me
}}{{Greentext|>she's even cuter in person
}}{{Greentext|>i start talking to the old asian lady at the counter
}}{{Greentext|>talking really loudly
}}{{Greentext|>"heh i have those first date jitters."
}}{{Greentext|>nerdy girl smiles.
}}{{Greentext|>we're both waiting there a good 30 minutes
}}{{Greentext|>im just reading comics on my phone
}}{{Greentext|>had to turn it off because of the vibrations when she texted though
}}{{Greentext|>eventually she speaks up, "heh, yours isn't coming either?"
}}{{Greentext|>"nope." try not to tear up as I thought of my dead dog
}}{{Greentext|>get up leave a tip for the old asian lady
}}{{Greentext|>walk out with a sigh
}}{{Greentext|>wait for her to leave as I wait in my car
}}{{Greentext|>part 1 is complete}}

day 17 continued

{{Greentext|>turn phone back on
}}{{Greentext|>see a shit ton of texts
}}{{Greentext|>don't reply
}}{{Greentext|>see her leave teary eyed about 15 minutes later
}}{{Greentext|>she hops into her car
}}{{Greentext|>and I fucking follow her like some kind of stalker
}}{{Greentext|>she gets out at this apartment complex
}}{{Greentext|>I write down the address then go home to catfish some more bitches to make myself feel better
}}{{Greentext|>see a girl i knew from high school and set up a date for the next day
}}{{Greentext|>happy about that
}}{{Greentext|>but more happy about my plan with nerdy girl}}

day 18

{{Greentext|>girl from high school has changed a lot
}}{{Greentext|>she's way more mature and about 50 pounds heavier in her pics
}}{{Greentext|>tell her i want to take her to see the avengers
}}{{Greentext|>she says shes not big into movies on first dates but eventually agrees if im paying
}}{{Greentext|>"dont you worry my dear. Dont even think of bringing your wallet."
}}{{Greentext|>heres where things get good
}}{{Greentext|>while im at the movie theater loling at this highschool crush i was also handing in a resume
}}{{Greentext|>why? you'll see but know catfishman is always 2 steps ahead of dumb bitches
}}{{Greentext|>i got an instant interview so i didnt see what happened to highschool girl but i didnt even care because I got it
}}{{Greentext|>i got the projectionist position at the theater
}}{{Greentext|>and I started right away}}

day 19

{{Greentext|>take day off at my real job
}}{{Greentext|>said I needed a CFM day
}}{{Greentext|>receptionist had no idea what that meant
}}{{Greentext|>create a new account and hunt down nerdy girl
}}{{Greentext|>this time the suitor is just a normal guy
}}{{Greentext|>within a few messages we're fucking talking like old chums
}}{{Greentext|>she really likes this stock photo guy
}}{{Greentext|>"want to go to a movie?"
}}{{Greentext|>"sure!!! Have you seen Avengers?"
}}{{Greentext|>"No. No I haven't."
}}{{Greentext|>I worked 3 showings of the Avengers that day as the projectionist
}}{{Greentext|>when she arrives i text her to meet me inside the theater, "ill be there in a minute"
}}{{Greentext|>never show
}}{{Greentext|>however on her seat (we have assigned seats here) a playing card with a cat fish drawn on it
}}{{Greentext|>she picks it up and looks at it for a second
}}{{Greentext|>the suitor never shows and she just sits there by herself and watches the movie in sadness
}}{{Greentext|>I felt so bad
}}{{Greentext|>i watched her the entire time
}}{{Greentext|>when she was preparing to leave
}}{{Greentext|>i took off my uniform and ran for the parking lot
}}{{Greentext|>i then pretended like I was going in
}}{{Greentext|>we crossed paths for a moment
}}{{Greentext|>she kind of recognized me
}}{{Greentext|>but I just kept walking
}}{{Greentext|>part 2 complete}}

day 20

{{Greentext|>quit my job at the movie theater
}}{{Greentext|>i needed funds for part 3 though
}}{{Greentext|>and while my regular work had decent pay}}
I needed a little bit more to cover costs
{{Greentext|>so I dug up my old costume: catfishwoman
}}{{Greentext|>and went on the prowl
}}{{Greentext|>and started hitting on guys in the states
}}{{Greentext|>telling them im sick of my family and just waiting for an excuse to leave them
}}{{Greentext|>not even 2 hours in this old creepy guy on okcupid offers to pay my flight if i skype with him for a bit
}}{{Greentext|>agree
}}{{Greentext|>basically have camera up to my bare fucking hairless beta legs the whole time
}}{{Greentext|>dont even say any words just listen to him say the creepiest shit and then the click clak of fap
}}{{Greentext|>he's fapping to the image of my bare legs
}}{{Greentext|>"why dont you show me your pussy."
}}{{Greentext|>i turn off the camera and type "save it for when we meet. :)"
}}{{Greentext|>he paypals me $900
}}{{Greentext|>tell him to meet me at the airport the next day
}}{{Greentext|>meanwhile I head over to the apartments of the nerdy girl
}}{{Greentext|>there is a sign on the front lawn that says "rent!" go in and speak with a manager
}}{{Greentext|>go in and put damage deposit down without even looking
}}{{Greentext|>see the plan is to pretend im moving in there
}}{{Greentext|>so we're like neighbours
}}{{Greentext|>and she can talk to me
}}{{Greentext|>however things dont go as planned
}}{{Greentext|>hang around the fucking halls for the entire night
}}{{Greentext|>waiting
}}{{Greentext|>catfishing
}}{{Greentext|>waiting
}}{{Greentext|>she does not come}}

day 21

{{Greentext|>i message nerdy girl on a new catfish account
}}{{Greentext|>she doesnt respond
}}{{Greentext|>i get anxious and make another
}}{{Greentext|>i have a legion of accounts now
}}{{Greentext|>i literally bought a gig on fiverr to make me 20 accounts for $5
}}{{Greentext|>"catfishman catfishman does what ever bitch he can, hey now here comes the catfish man." i sing to myself
}}{{Greentext|>just doing that made me feel like a real super villain
}}{{Greentext|>i messaged her on fucking 8 different accounts and waited
}}{{Greentext|>she didnt respond
}}{{Greentext|>I went back to the apartment hoping to maybe catch her walking
}}{{Greentext|>when I noticed the police and an ambulance waiting outside
}}{{Greentext|>a whole crowd of people were around
}}{{Greentext|>I talked to the manager guy
}}{{Greentext|>"whats going on?"
}}{{Greentext|>"some girl was raped last night."
}}{{Greentext|>oh fuck now.
}}{{Greentext|>head back to my car
}}{{Greentext|>my eyes suspiciously meet with one of the on duty cops
}}{{Greentext|>its the magnet/zoo cop... and he fucking recognizes me
}}{{Greentext|>get into car quickly and play games the rest of the night trying not to think about it}}

day 22

{{Greentext|>at work
}}{{Greentext|>trying to do my work
}}{{Greentext|>when all of a sudden the receptionist walks in with two cops
}}{{Greentext|>oh fuck
}}{{Greentext|>they'll never figure it out, you're too sssssmart for them 
}}{{Greentext|>"you again...."
}}{{Greentext|>its the same cop
}}{{Greentext|>"hi yes, we're investigating an incident...where were you two nights ago?"
}}{{Greentext|>"I...I..." I'm about to break down
}}{{Greentext|>"playing video games. why?"
}}{{Greentext|>"we're going to have to ask you to come downtown."
}}{{Greentext|>go with them
}}{{Greentext|>whole office is in an uproar
}}{{Greentext|>almost died of a heart attack as we passed a "who is the catfishman" poster by the lunchroom
}}{{Greentext|>make a statement, have no alibi without causing suspicion, but offer dna samples
}}{{Greentext|>go home and seriously consider running away}}

all you faggots are trying to catfish the catfishman. You can't.

day xx

{{Greentext|>a few weeks later they catch the guy who raped nerdy girl
}}{{Greentext|>i go back to her apartments to get my damage deposit back
}}{{Greentext|>i spent $900 on a failed plan
}}{{Greentext|>i wasnt that smart to be honest
}}{{Greentext|>see nerdy girl walking sheepishly to her car
}}{{Greentext|>want to say something to her
}}{{Greentext|>want to tell her how i wish I was there to help her
}}{{Greentext|>how i never wanted any harm to happen to her
}}{{Greentext|>but then realize
}}{{Greentext|>i am catfishman
}}{{Greentext|>if i never did what i did the first 2 times she might have found a boyfriend and she would never have been raped
}}{{Greentext|>she walks into her car and drives off
}}{{Greentext|>I sit out front for a little bit
}}{{Greentext|>contemplating life
}}{{Greentext|>what i was doing to peoples lives
}}{{Greentext|>how mean I was...
}}{{Greentext|>and then... like a sign...
}}{{Greentext|>monkey girl from day 1 walks by
}}{{Greentext|>she goes inside without even giving me a smile or a nod
}}{{Greentext|>walks right passed me like im a ghost
}}{{Greentext|>i snicker as I pull out my phone.
}}{{Greentext|>I will never stop. I will always be out there.}}

BEWARE ALL THOSE WHO DATE ONLINE. I AM OUT THERE. LURKING. WAITING. EMOJING. I AM CATFISHMAN. (.)<

fin thanks for a wild ride guys
[[Category:Stories]] 
[[Category:Greentext]]