The Catfish Man
day 1
{{Greentext|>set up catfish account {{Greentext|>some girl messages me within 2 minutes {{Greentext|>reply "im not one for online chit chat, lets meet up for a coffee, dear. ;)" {{Greentext|>she fucking accepts {{Greentext|>tell her to go to the zoo {{Greentext|>"I'll meet you by the monkeys" {{Greentext|>20 mins after I said I'd be there she texts {{Greentext|>"where are you?" {{Greentext|>"I am a monkey" {{Greentext|>she never texts back
day 2
{{Greentext|>i have 6 unread messages {{Greentext|>decide to roll for which girl I fuck with {{Greentext|>roll a 4 {{Greentext|>it's this fat ukranian chick {{Greentext|>pass messages back and forth all day at work {{Greentext|>tell her I can't wait to meet her and we must meet tonight {{Greentext|>she agrees {{Greentext|>tell her I want to take her to my favourite restaurant at 8 {{Greentext|>she agrees {{Greentext|>text her the directions {{Greentext|>it's actually an Arbys {{Greentext|>i'm camped outside in the parking lot {{Greentext|>ive gotten more brazen {{Greentext|>she texts back at 8:03 {{Greentext|>"uhh did you give me the right address?" {{Greentext|>"yes just order me some curly fries" {{Greentext|>see this fat ham planet waddle out with a bag of shit from arbys {{Greentext|>text her "damn you a fat bitch" {{Greentext|>speed out of there as fast as I can {{Greentext|>look in rear view mirror at this ukranian girl totally confused holding arbys
day 3
{{Greentext|>change my profile to say "im only interested in black women, sorry ladies." {{Greentext|>get one reply {{Greentext|>its fucking warren sapp in drag {{Greentext|>tell her ive never fucked an defensive lineman before {{Greentext|>she gets mad {{Greentext|>she says if i want a chance i have to be a gentleman {{Greentext|>tell her to let me make it up to her and take her to the opera {{Greentext|>but since im at work can she buy the tix {{Greentext|>she agrees and buys tickets to which I will repay {{Greentext|>never respond to anymore of her messages
day 4
by now you know most of my diablical plans involve bitches spending money on dates that will never happen. A little gender payback. This one is by far the most petty.
{{Greentext|>arrange to meet a girl from literally 2 cities away {{Greentext|>about a 3 hour drive {{Greentext|>say we'll meet in the middle to save gas expenses and to be fair {{Greentext|>she agrees {{Greentext|>i stay at home and watch the wire {{Greentext|>she spends an hour and a half driving to some starbucks {{Greentext|>she texts me an hour after the date {{Greentext|>"hi are you still coming, im waiting here. :)" {{Greentext|>my response "you just spent like $15 on gas....hahahaha bitch im 8 and have a 10 inch dick" {{Greentext|>she called my phne 12 times {{Greentext|>threatened to call the cops {{Greentext|>I begged her not to over texts {{Greentext|>she only agreed if i met with her and my parents so they could punish me {{Greentext|>agreed {{Greentext|>she said to give me my address {{Greentext|>agree {{Greentext|>tell her to come by tomorrow {{Greentext|>she drives another 3 hours the next day to pay her revenge {{Greentext|>laugh at her when she figures out I gave her the address to the arbys
day 5
{{Greentext|>im becoming a monster {{Greentext|>im messaging girls all fucking day at work {{Greentext|>boss thinks im a fucking legend staying in late {{Greentext|>just to wrapped up with my alter ego {{Greentext|>catfishman {{Greentext|>message one girl to come meet me for some drinks at the place about a block from work {{Greentext|>she agrees {{Greentext|>"i know that place! It's got karoke right?" {{Greentext|>decide to go there {{Greentext|>live on the scene {{Greentext|>she waits 20 minutes {{Greentext|>texts me "jerk" {{Greentext|>text her back with a picture of an old woman in a hospital {{Greentext|>tell her "my gran just died...sorry..." {{Greentext|>look at her face in real time {{Greentext|>she feels like such a bitch {{Greentext|>then text her, "how about i come see you in an hour." {{Greentext|>she smiles and texts me her address {{Greentext|>order dominos to her house as soon as she leaves from the bar phone
day 6
{{Greentext|>knock on the door {{Greentext|>its the police {{Greentext|>before I open door im putting magnets from fridge on my computer {{Greentext|>aint gonna get me that easy bitches {{Greentext|>open door {{Greentext|>"officers." I say with a sly grin {{Greentext|>"we received reports that someone in your registered vehicle was in the parking lot of an arby's a few days ago... do you know anything about this?" {{Greentext|>"i like roast beef sandwiches. Is that a crime?" {{Greentext|>talk with them for about 10 minutes longer {{Greentext|>they leave and apologize for wasting my time {{Greentext|>im unstoppable {{Greentext|>even the cops can't stop catfishman
day 7
{{Greentext|>start getting nervous {{Greentext|>start doing all catfishing on a vpn {{Greentext|>dont even know if that will protect me {{Greentext|>arrange to meet 1 indian chick at a casino {{Greentext|>tell her to get all fancy cause i like to dress to the 9's {{Greentext|>be me {{Greentext|>sitting at blackjack table with wayne gretzky jersey {{Greentext|>see this hot jasmine girl walk in {{Greentext|>text her "oh shit i thought you were a casino indian, nm" {{Greentext|>"sir you can't use your phone at the table" {{Greentext|>turn off phone {{Greentext|>flip over my cards {{Greentext|>21 {{Greentext|>"brownjack"
day 8
{{Greentext|>prepare yourself for 10x the laughs {{Greentext|>literally {{Greentext|>10x the laughs {{Greentext|>arrange a date {{Greentext|>with 10 girls {{Greentext|>all at the same restaurant {{Greentext|>in fact the same table {{Greentext|>at the same time {{Greentext|>sitting in corner booth with my mom {{Greentext|>just taking her our because im a "good son" {{Greentext|>how could a good son be catfishman {{Greentext|>the perfect cover {{Greentext|>girl 1 walks in {{Greentext|>shes got a huge smile on her face {{Greentext|>girl 2 walks in and is seated {{Greentext|>both girls are confused {{Greentext|>girl 3 comes 2 minutes later {{Greentext|>they all start talking {{Greentext|>pretty soon 6 more drop by {{Greentext|>1 was a no show {{Greentext|>they are all comparing phones and messages {{Greentext|>getting super heated {{Greentext|>I text one of them {{Greentext|>"the bastard just texted me" {{Greentext|>"what did he say?" {{Greentext|>"it says ever seen the hunger games?"
day 9
{{Greentext|>realize ive been banned by POF {{Greentext|>move on to okcupid {{Greentext|>do the exact same thing {{Greentext|>see fucking same girl as day 1 girl {{Greentext|>monkey girl {{Greentext|>give her the dog and pony show {{Greentext|>shes fucking smitten {{Greentext|>ask her whats a good date idea {{Greentext|>she tells me "ice cream is good and maybe a walk" {{Greentext|>"sounds great, how about we try that at the zoo?" {{Greentext|>takes a long ass time to respond {{Greentext|>literally next day
day 10
{{Greentext|>figured she figured me out {{Greentext|>figured shed realize that a 6 like her wouldnt have a chance with the male model i was reppin {{Greentext|>"sure" {{Greentext|>mother of god she's stupid {{Greentext|>"meet me by the entrance after work" {{Greentext|>go there with nephew {{Greentext|>she's there with a fucking plain clothes policeman {{Greentext|>i know because its the same guy who knocked on my door {{Greentext|>walk right past them {{Greentext|>they were none the wiser {{Greentext|>she texts me while im getting my face painted with my neph {{Greentext|>"coming?" {{Greentext|>text her back "meet me by the monkeys! :)" {{Greentext|>walk past her in face paint and smile {{Greentext|>cop is on his phone {{Greentext|>its getting hot {{Greentext|>leave without texting her {{Greentext|>on way back i play "hey hey we're the monkeys" in the car for nephew {{Greentext|>he loves it
day 11
{{Greentext|>figure ive pranked a ton of girls {{Greentext|>cops are after me {{Greentext|>how come I havent gotten any recognition? {{Greentext|>how come the news isnt covering the catfishman? {{Greentext|>start getting pissed off {{Greentext|>literally checking #catfishman every hour {{Greentext|>for the date I have planned that evening have something special {{Greentext|>tell the girl we're going for coffee {{Greentext|>"you coming? coffees getting cold. So am I. ;)" {{Greentext|>tell her to check the board where they have all these band posters {{Greentext|>"i left you a surprise." {{Greentext|>right in the middle {{Greentext|>printed in comic sans... {{Greentext|>"WHO IS THE CATFISHMAN?" {{Greentext|>she replies, "umm?" {{Greentext|>"gotchya bitch." {{Greentext|>throw away my burner as to not leave a trace
day 12
{{Greentext|>still not a fucking peep on social media {{Greentext|>these fucking bitches are too dumb {{Greentext|>decide to play in a bigger pond {{Greentext|>a pond with men {{Greentext|>i go on okcupid and change my profile to bi {{Greentext|>start chatting up all these gay guys {{Greentext|>one guy instantly offers sex {{Greentext|>"ok but i dont want my roommate seeing us..." {{Greentext|>"come over. you got a big dick?" {{Greentext|>"there's a reason the girls call me cat fish man" {{Greentext|>"?" {{Greentext|>he didnt fucking get it {{Greentext|>"lets try something dirty, how about we do it in a car?" {{Greentext|>"hot." {{Greentext|>give him the address {{Greentext|>2 hours later get a text... "im waiting in the arbys parking lot...where are you its 11?"
day 13
{{Greentext|>coworker sees my okcupid profile at work {{Greentext|>"haha trying online dating man? I'm doing it too...girls are crazy sluts on this site" {{Greentext|>looks at my profile {{Greentext|>doesnt see picture just sees "Interested in men" {{Greentext|>he gets super awkward {{Greentext|>"oh... I uhh... see you at the meeting." {{Greentext|>at the meeting he makes a snide comment trying to call me gay {{Greentext|>appear weak and meager {{Greentext|>dont want him to know my secret identity {{Greentext|>tear up a bit {{Greentext|>spend rest of work day hunting down his profile {{Greentext|>find it {{Greentext|>the catfish man is coming work friend.
day 14
{{Greentext|>the catfishman just did the most diabolical thing ever {{Greentext|>and became the catfishwoman {{Greentext|>start chatting up work friend {{Greentext|>im a fucking blond bombshell and hes a fucking 5.5 if that {{Greentext|>he has no fucking game {{Greentext|>trying my darndest to get him to do the invite {{Greentext|>he finally asks me after like 9 messages {{Greentext|>we're going for drinks {{Greentext|>tell him to bring condoms {{Greentext|>now for part 2 of my plan {{Greentext|>post his pic on tinder {{Greentext|>'interested in men' {{Greentext|>profile says "will suck dick if you're okay with me pretending to be straight' {{Greentext|>get a response from this asian guy whos twice our age {{Greentext|>tell him to meet me at the bar {{Greentext|>go their 20 mins before {{Greentext|>hiding in corner of bar restaurant trying not to laugh {{Greentext|>see work mate waiting at bar {{Greentext|>see this asian guy walk right up to him being super gay {{Greentext|>work mate is confused {{Greentext|>snap picture of the two of them {{Greentext|>print it out the next day and post it around the office with hashtag #catfishman {{Greentext|>everyone thinks he's gay now :)
day 15
{{Greentext|>on this day the catfishman would meet his greatest foe {{Greentext|>love {{Greentext|>start trolling this one nerdy girl {{Greentext|>she likes comics just like me {{Greentext|>even has a softspot for some villains {{Greentext|>she asks me who my favourite villains are {{Greentext|>"the green goblin, kraven, catfishman, vermin--all the best ones." {{Greentext|>we text for fucking hours that night talking about music and life {{Greentext|>she's so fucking cool
day 16
{{Greentext|>i want to actually go on a date with this girl so bad {{Greentext|>have no idea how to {{Greentext|>she thinks im a 6'4 australian rugby player {{Greentext|>who is worldly, lives a playboy lifestyle, and all that shit {{Greentext|>tell her im going to plan the most epic of dates {{Greentext|>one she wont soon forget {{Greentext|>the night though {{Greentext|>i needed a fix {{Greentext|>i needed to feel power {{Greentext|>so I set up a quick date with a single mom {{Greentext|>"little late notice, but i can get the baby sitter" {{Greentext|>a new fucking low {{Greentext|>she was working 2 jobs or something too {{Greentext|>didnt matter {{Greentext|>I am catfishman...super villain {{Greentext|>she texts me about 2 hours later... "are you coming... if not i really need to get back." {{Greentext|>"yes just wait for me my dear." {{Greentext|>30 mins later "almost there" {{Greentext|>45 mins later "just parking" {{Greentext|>"im leaving this is ridiculous." {{Greentext|>"just like your hair bitch." {{Greentext|>she calls me and screams at me for wasting her time saying how she now owes the babysitter $20 and for what {{Greentext|>"your babysitter sounds hot. What's her number?"
day 17
{{Greentext|>tell nerdy girl the plans {{Greentext|>we're meeting in china town {{Greentext|>at this old bubble tea place {{Greentext|>she goes in {{Greentext|>sits down at the table right across from me {{Greentext|>she's even cuter in person {{Greentext|>i start talking to the old asian lady at the counter {{Greentext|>talking really loudly {{Greentext|>"heh i have those first date jitters." {{Greentext|>nerdy girl smiles. {{Greentext|>we're both waiting there a good 30 minutes {{Greentext|>im just reading comics on my phone {{Greentext|>had to turn it off because of the vibrations when she texted though {{Greentext|>eventually she speaks up, "heh, yours isn't coming either?" {{Greentext|>"nope." try not to tear up as I thought of my dead dog {{Greentext|>get up leave a tip for the old asian lady {{Greentext|>walk out with a sigh {{Greentext|>wait for her to leave as I wait in my car {{Greentext|>part 1 is complete
day 17 continued
{{Greentext|>turn phone back on {{Greentext|>see a shit ton of texts {{Greentext|>don't reply {{Greentext|>see her leave teary eyed about 15 minutes later {{Greentext|>she hops into her car {{Greentext|>and I fucking follow her like some kind of stalker {{Greentext|>she gets out at this apartment complex {{Greentext|>I write down the address then go home to catfish some more bitches to make myself feel better {{Greentext|>see a girl i knew from high school and set up a date for the next day {{Greentext|>happy about that {{Greentext|>but more happy about my plan with nerdy girl
day 18
{{Greentext|>girl from high school has changed a lot {{Greentext|>she's way more mature and about 50 pounds heavier in her pics {{Greentext|>tell her i want to take her to see the avengers {{Greentext|>she says shes not big into movies on first dates but eventually agrees if im paying {{Greentext|>"dont you worry my dear. Dont even think of bringing your wallet." {{Greentext|>heres where things get good {{Greentext|>while im at the movie theater loling at this highschool crush i was also handing in a resume {{Greentext|>why? you'll see but know catfishman is always 2 steps ahead of dumb bitches {{Greentext|>i got an instant interview so i didnt see what happened to highschool girl but i didnt even care because I got it {{Greentext|>i got the projectionist position at the theater {{Greentext|>and I started right away
day 19
{{Greentext|>take day off at my real job {{Greentext|>said I needed a CFM day {{Greentext|>receptionist had no idea what that meant {{Greentext|>create a new account and hunt down nerdy girl {{Greentext|>this time the suitor is just a normal guy {{Greentext|>within a few messages we're fucking talking like old chums {{Greentext|>she really likes this stock photo guy {{Greentext|>"want to go to a movie?" {{Greentext|>"sure!!! Have you seen Avengers?" {{Greentext|>"No. No I haven't." {{Greentext|>I worked 3 showings of the Avengers that day as the projectionist {{Greentext|>when she arrives i text her to meet me inside the theater, "ill be there in a minute" {{Greentext|>never show {{Greentext|>however on her seat (we have assigned seats here) a playing card with a cat fish drawn on it {{Greentext|>she picks it up and looks at it for a second {{Greentext|>the suitor never shows and she just sits there by herself and watches the movie in sadness {{Greentext|>I felt so bad {{Greentext|>i watched her the entire time {{Greentext|>when she was preparing to leave {{Greentext|>i took off my uniform and ran for the parking lot {{Greentext|>i then pretended like I was going in {{Greentext|>we crossed paths for a moment {{Greentext|>she kind of recognized me {{Greentext|>but I just kept walking {{Greentext|>part 2 complete
day 20
{{Greentext|>quit my job at the movie theater {{Greentext|>i needed funds for part 3 though {{Greentext|>and while my regular work had decent pay I needed a little bit more to cover costs {{Greentext|>so I dug up my old costume: catfishwoman {{Greentext|>and went on the prowl {{Greentext|>and started hitting on guys in the states {{Greentext|>telling them im sick of my family and just waiting for an excuse to leave them {{Greentext|>not even 2 hours in this old creepy guy on okcupid offers to pay my flight if i skype with him for a bit {{Greentext|>agree {{Greentext|>basically have camera up to my bare fucking hairless beta legs the whole time {{Greentext|>dont even say any words just listen to him say the creepiest shit and then the click clak of fap {{Greentext|>he's fapping to the image of my bare legs {{Greentext|>"why dont you show me your pussy." {{Greentext|>i turn off the camera and type "save it for when we meet. :)" {{Greentext|>he paypals me $900 {{Greentext|>tell him to meet me at the airport the next day {{Greentext|>meanwhile I head over to the apartments of the nerdy girl {{Greentext|>there is a sign on the front lawn that says "rent!" go in and speak with a manager {{Greentext|>go in and put damage deposit down without even looking {{Greentext|>see the plan is to pretend im moving in there {{Greentext|>so we're like neighbours {{Greentext|>and she can talk to me {{Greentext|>however things dont go as planned {{Greentext|>hang around the fucking halls for the entire night {{Greentext|>waiting {{Greentext|>catfishing {{Greentext|>waiting {{Greentext|>she does not come
day 21
{{Greentext|>i message nerdy girl on a new catfish account {{Greentext|>she doesnt respond {{Greentext|>i get anxious and make another {{Greentext|>i have a legion of accounts now {{Greentext|>i literally bought a gig on fiverr to make me 20 accounts for $5 {{Greentext|>"catfishman catfishman does what ever bitch he can, hey now here comes the catfish man." i sing to myself {{Greentext|>just doing that made me feel like a real super villain {{Greentext|>i messaged her on fucking 8 different accounts and waited {{Greentext|>she didnt respond {{Greentext|>I went back to the apartment hoping to maybe catch her walking {{Greentext|>when I noticed the police and an ambulance waiting outside {{Greentext|>a whole crowd of people were around {{Greentext|>I talked to the manager guy {{Greentext|>"whats going on?" {{Greentext|>"some girl was raped last night." {{Greentext|>oh fuck now. {{Greentext|>head back to my car {{Greentext|>my eyes suspiciously meet with one of the on duty cops {{Greentext|>its the magnet/zoo cop... and he fucking recognizes me {{Greentext|>get into car quickly and play games the rest of the night trying not to think about it
day 22
{{Greentext|>at work {{Greentext|>trying to do my work {{Greentext|>when all of a sudden the receptionist walks in with two cops {{Greentext|>oh fuck {{Greentext|>they'll never figure it out, you're too sssssmart for them {{Greentext|>"you again...." {{Greentext|>its the same cop {{Greentext|>"hi yes, we're investigating an incident...where were you two nights ago?" {{Greentext|>"I...I..." I'm about to break down {{Greentext|>"playing video games. why?" {{Greentext|>"we're going to have to ask you to come downtown." {{Greentext|>go with them {{Greentext|>whole office is in an uproar {{Greentext|>almost died of a heart attack as we passed a "who is the catfishman" poster by the lunchroom {{Greentext|>make a statement, have no alibi without causing suspicion, but offer dna samples {{Greentext|>go home and seriously consider running away
all you faggots are trying to catfish the catfishman. You can't.
day xx
{{Greentext|>a few weeks later they catch the guy who raped nerdy girl {{Greentext|>i go back to her apartments to get my damage deposit back {{Greentext|>i spent $900 on a failed plan {{Greentext|>i wasnt that smart to be honest {{Greentext|>see nerdy girl walking sheepishly to her car {{Greentext|>want to say something to her {{Greentext|>want to tell her how i wish I was there to help her {{Greentext|>how i never wanted any harm to happen to her {{Greentext|>but then realize {{Greentext|>i am catfishman {{Greentext|>if i never did what i did the first 2 times she might have found a boyfriend and she would never have been raped {{Greentext|>she walks into her car and drives off {{Greentext|>I sit out front for a little bit {{Greentext|>contemplating life {{Greentext|>what i was doing to peoples lives {{Greentext|>how mean I was... {{Greentext|>and then... like a sign... {{Greentext|>monkey girl from day 1 walks by {{Greentext|>she goes inside without even giving me a smile or a nod {{Greentext|>walks right passed me like im a ghost {{Greentext|>i snicker as I pull out my phone. {{Greentext|>I will never stop. I will always be out there.
BEWARE ALL THOSE WHO DATE ONLINE. I AM OUT THERE. LURKING. WAITING. EMOJING. I AM CATFISHMAN. (.)<
fin thanks for a wild ride guys
