Foodbro's House
OP Fri 08 Feb 2013 21:07:52 No.17620037
Quoted By: >>17620214 >>17620269 >>17620324 >>17620392 >>17620395 >>17625975 >>17626168 >>17626193 >>17626512 >>17627080 >>17627638 >>17629597 >>17633984 >>17634068 >>17634242 >>17636952
Boy, have I got a story for you /fit/.
>Univeristy
>share a house with 3 bros
>Bonybro is scrawny as fuck, beta as hell, but genuinely nice dude
>Chillbro is a huge stoner, but the nicest guy you'll ever meet, also impossible to make him mad
>Foodbro, cooks like a mother fucker, super charismatic, and although he's a heavier dude, he's full bearmode, gym everyday, arms like pythons, super nice cat but easy to make mad
>for first two years, house is awesome
>vidya like motherfuckers
>foodbro cooking like we at grandma's thanksgiving every other day
>chillbro always has good herb
>all sorts of fun and games and shit
>then one day, the moon descended from orbit and smashed into the house
>oh no wait, bonybro pulled a female
>right away chillbro and I realize Doradus here is going to be a problem
>the first problem is she is one of those fatgirls who just thinks shes hot as shit because she is a beta hunter
>"real men want curves, Im the same size as Marilyn Monroe hurr hurr" the whole fucking 9
>the way the house is set up, there are three bedrooms upstairs and a basement suite
>foodbro pays the most, so he's in the suite. Got a king sized bed down there and everything, full chill pad.
>doradus starts spending every fucking night at our place
>the noises this girl makes while fucking are just impossible to handle
>she sounds like a cross between a death metal singer and an elephant seal
>"ORGHHHHHHH ORGHHHHHH ORGHHHHHH"
>Im pissed as hell but chillbro tries to just initiate live and let live
>we tell bonybro to cool it on the noise anyway
>bonybro mad because we arent supporting the fact that he finally bagged a girl
>poor bastard is already under her spell
>she comes downstairs
>I tell her to stop screaming her lungs out at night
>"oh do my cries of passion make you uncomfortable tee hee?"
>what the actual fuck
>"uncomfortable like an victim of the bubonic plague maybe"
>she mad, bonybro mad, foodbro thought it was hilarious
(cont.)
OP Fri 08 Feb 2013 21:08:53 No.17620059
Quoted By: >>17620214 >>17620269 >>17620395 >>17620549 >>17626168 >>17626512 >>17627080 >>17633984
>the next problem occurs when doradus starts fucking with foodbro
>first incident was when we all got back from class expecting to find her devouring our winter stocks or something
>cant find her
>foodbro: "maybe she went for a jog hahahaha (bonybro mad)" and goes to throw his shit downstairs
>WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT
>we go downstairs, doradus is naked, and sleeping in his bed
>she tries to take his expensive sheets, wrap them around herself and run upstairs
>foodbro furious, forcibly takes his shit and makes her run, crying and naked as a newborn up to bonybros room
>bonybro mad, but foodbro madder and bonybro apologizes quietly and chases her upstairs
>we would find out later this was a seduction tactic that didn't even make it to launch because the fat bitch fell asleep (fuckin lol)
>second incident, foodbro always leaves a lot of food resting
>chili simmering overnight, flank steak marinating for a few days, all sorts of shit that I dont even fucking understand but is fucking delicious
>starts to notice this shit disappearing
>mad as hell, foodbro demands at least a little semblance of courtesy
>foodbro has a roll of little red circle stickers
>if something is in the fridge with a red circle sticker, dont fucking touch it
>he goes to make his hamburgers for dinner (foodbro hamburgers will make you believe in a kind and merciful god)
>"Guys, where is the groundbeef. I literally only bought it like three hours ago."
>doradus starts giggling like its cute or some shit
>"Oh I was just so hungry I couldnt help myself so I made a little snack"
>"That was 3 lbs of ground beef!"
>"Oh it was just so good, I just fried it all up and ate it. Sorry" and she plasters this shitty trying-to-be-cute pouty face on her mug
>Foodbro ships out, brings back salmon, handmakes some sushi
>plates it and brings it out
OP Fri 08 Feb 2013 21:09:33 No.17620091
Quoted By: >>17620214 >>17620269 >>17620395 >>17620549 >>17626168 >>17626512 >>17627080 >>17627407 >>17633984
>Doradus wonders where her plate is
>Foodbro loses it "Bitch, you ate 3 pounds of fucking ground beef today. Thats enough food for your fat-ass today. In fact, thats enough caloric intake for like 3 days. If I catch you in my kitchen for the next three days I will lose my fucking mind."
>sits down next to chillbro, immediately back to good mood watching the game
>holy shit this sashimi
>doradus quietly sobbing, bonybro shamefully passing her pieces off his plate
>keep in mind, doradus pays nothing to exist in our space
>in addition, because foodbro is such a foodnazi, he practically foots the entire food bill himself so we dont fill his kitchen with cheap shitty food
>bitch is literally a financial drain, does nothing to contribute, and always gets super upset if someone mentions how much of our shit she eats
>a few days go by
>me, chillbro, and foodbro coming home, bonybro has late lab
>lights are on, loud fucking noise
>sounds like the cawing of a billion crows and the shrieks of a billion banshees
>foodbro immediately mad
>goes inside
>oh my god, doradus invited the rest of the large magellanic cloud and currently has food everywhere and everyone is screaming and laughing and making a huge shit of my fucking house
>foodbro strides through room, rips ipod out of ipod dock and screams GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE
>stampede of white whales
>doradus says "oh bonybro said I could have a few friends over"
>foodbro notices all the food that is out. Ice cream, cup cakes, chicken sandwiches and shit
>"Youre going to pay for all this. Im tired of you eating my food without asking."
>doradus starts tearing up "but the food is for the house"
>I pipe up "youre not part of the house"
>Foodbro agrees with me and says "you just come in here and eat all my shit because you think you can"
>doradus stumbles over to foodbro and tries to stroke his chest (wtf amirite) "its okay, stop getting mad because Im bonybros girlfriend"
>foodbro gets so mad he leaves
OP Fri 08 Feb 2013 21:10:11 No.17620101
Quoted By: >>17620214 >>17620269 >>17620395 >>17620549 >>17626168 >>17626512 >>17627080 >>17633984
>me and chillbro kinda shake our heads and go onto the backporch to smoke
>hear bonybro come home an hour later or so
>hear doradus crying her eyes out, saying that foodbro screamed at all her friends, broke the ipod dock (nope), tried to hit them (nope), and then demanded that doradus sleep with him (lolwatnope)
>foodbro comes back about an hour after bonybro
>hear bonybro confront foodbro
>he still mad that we make fun of his lady all the time
>demands to know why foodbro demanded she sleep with him
>foodbro laughs and explains the whole story
>I go in and confirm
>foodbro demands to know why bonybro said it was cool for her to throw a party
>bonybro says he said she could study with a friend
>what a cunt
>about a month later of doradus being fairly well behaved
>still making shitty passes at foodbro "I know you like the way I look today, or is it everyday?"
>foodbro just laughs
>starts making her pay for everything he sees her take
>schools out, summer time
>foodbro goes to work the summer in the kitchen of some nice-ass restaurant, starts dating this bartender there
>this girl
>holy shit
>this girl
>blonde, cardio bunny, yoga and pilates addict, nice boobs, nice ass, stomach you could grate cheese on, super smart, super clever and witty, coolest girl ever, nicest girl ever
>we'll call her M
>m and foodbro date for like 2 weeks before she starts staying over all the time
>within two weeks of her sleeping over, she demands to contribute to food and utilities
>doradus has been in our fucking lives for like 5 or 6 goddamn months now and still pays jack shit, smuggles food to bonybros room when foodbro is out
>doradus does not like m
>m is super aloof about doradus
OP Fri 08 Feb 2013 21:10:12 No.17620120
Quoted By: >>17620214 >>17620269 >>17620395 >>17620549 >>17626168 >>17626512 >>17627080 >>17633984 >>17634851 >>17635860
>doradus starts wandering around in underwear knowing that people are chilling in the living room as if shes trying to prove that shes the real hot girl
>starts making pasive aggresive comments to m "oh you should eat more, then youd get some curves" (lolwut)
>even bonybro starting to get tired of her shit
>starts getting mad at her when she says things to foodbro like "you're man enough to date a real woman" and starts asking her what the fuck she means by comments like that
>fights everywhere
>me chillbro and m are outside smoking, she thinks its hilarious
>the one day m and foodbro come back from late shift
>me and chillbro are vidya like motherfuckers in the living room
>m and foodbro go downstairs
>foodbro rages
>me chillbro and bonybro (who had been upstairs) come down
>doradus is in the basement suite again, trying to squeeze her fat ass into one of m's dresses
>DAMMIT JIM IM A DOCTOR NOT A MIRACLE WORKER
>SHES DEAD JIM
>dress is history, seams ripped, zipper torn away from fabric
>Foodbro so mad hes shaking
>M just quietly tallying the damage
>"Oh sorry hee hee, I just needed something to wear and thought we were close enough to the same size"
>I wish I could make this shit up
>Doradus is at least 260 standing at a proud 5'2"
>M is at most 130 at 5'6"
>foodbro turns to bonybro "get this fucking behemoth out of my room, and then we are going to have a fucking sit down, you and I."
>Doradus counters "Behemoth? Says you, lard ass."
>SHIT JUST GOT REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL
OP Fri 08 Feb 2013 21:13:10 No.17620172
Quoted By: >>17620214 >>17620267 >>17620269 >>17620338 >>17620395 >>17620549 >>17620646 >>17621749 >>17626086 >>17626168 >>17626512 >>17626999 >>17627080 >>17627525 >>17628112 >>17629153 >>17629498 >>17629839 >>17630658 >>17630923 >>17631509 >>17632838 >>17636116 >>17637367
>chillbro bails
>M says something along the lines of "not even worth justifying your shitty attitude, goes upstairs as well
>Foodbro "You fat fucking sow, I don't think I've ever despised a human being more. You selfish lazy fucking cunt. If you didnt provide the service of your disgusting self to my friends penis I would have happily thrown you in a lake months ago. I hope you enjoy your life thinking you can just do what you want because one day, youre going to wake up and realize what a shit pile you are, and then youll hopefully kill yourself" and then turns on his heel and goes upstairs
>I find chillbro m and foodbro at the edge of the property, smoking in the backyard
>hear bonybro from inside losing his fucking mind
>front door slams
>see doradus waddling down the street with her two garbage bags of possessions crying her eyes out
>the witch is dead
>bonybro comes out
>he says that he told her to pay for all the food shes stolen from the house and for the dress or he would press charges
>she eventually did
>house was the coolest place ever for the next two years before we finished school and moved on
>got the invite to foodbro and m's wedding today
>we never found out if she killed herself
