The Catfish Man

day 1

>set up catfish account

>some girl messages me within 2 minutes

>reply "im not one for online chit chat, lets meet up for a coffee, dear. ;)"

>she fucking accepts

>tell her to go to the zoo

>"I'll meet you by the monkeys"

>20 mins after I said I'd be there she texts

>"where are you?"

>"I am a monkey"

>she never texts back

day 2

>i have 6 unread messages

>decide to roll for which girl I fuck with

>roll a 4

>it's this fat ukranian chick

>pass messages back and forth all day at work

>tell her I can't wait to meet her and we must meet tonight

>she agrees

>tell her I want to take her to my favourite restaurant at 8

>she agrees

>text her the directions

>it's actually an Arbys

>i'm camped outside in the parking lot

>ive gotten more brazen

>she texts back at 8:03

>"uhh did you give me the right address?"

>"yes just order me some curly fries"

>see this fat ham planet waddle out with a bag of shit from arbys

>text her "damn you a fat bitch"

>speed out of there as fast as I can

>look in rear view mirror at this ukranian girl totally confused holding arbys

day 3

>change my profile to say "im only interested in black women, sorry ladies."

>get one reply

>its fucking warren sapp in drag

>tell her ive never fucked an defensive lineman before

>she gets mad

>she says if i want a chance i have to be a gentleman

>tell her to let me make it up to her and take her to the opera

>but since im at work can she buy the tix

>she agrees and buys tickets to which I will repay

>never respond to anymore of her messages

day 4

by now you know most of my diablical plans involve bitches spending money on dates that will never happen. A little gender payback. This one is by far the most petty.

>arrange to meet a girl from literally 2 cities away

>about a 3 hour drive

>say we'll meet in the middle to save gas expenses and to be fair

>she agrees

>i stay at home and watch the wire

>she spends an hour and a half driving to some starbucks

>she texts me an hour after the date

>"hi are you still coming, im waiting here. :)"

>my response "you just spent like $15 on gas....hahahaha bitch im 8 and have a 10 inch dick"

>she called my phne 12 times

>threatened to call the cops

>I begged her not to over texts

>she only agreed if i met with her and my parents so they could punish me

>agreed

>she said to give me my address

>agree

>tell her to come by tomorrow

>she drives another 3 hours the next day to pay her revenge

>laugh at her when she figures out I gave her the address to the arbys

day 5

>im becoming a monster

>im messaging girls all fucking day at work

>boss thinks im a fucking legend staying in late

>just to wrapped up with my alter ego

>catfishman

>message one girl to come meet me for some drinks at the place about a block from work

>she agrees

>"i know that place! It's got karoke right?"

>decide to go there

>live on the scene

>she waits 20 minutes

>texts me "jerk"

>text her back with a picture of an old woman in a hospital

>tell her "my gran just died...sorry..."

>look at her face in real time

>she feels like such a bitch

>then text her, "how about i come see you in an hour."

>she smiles and texts me her address

>order dominos to her house as soon as she leaves from the bar phone

day 6

>knock on the door

>its the police

>before I open door im putting magnets from fridge on my computer

>aint gonna get me that easy bitches

>open door

>"officers." I say with a sly grin

>"we received reports that someone in your registered vehicle was in the parking lot of an arby's a few days ago... do you know anything about this?"

>"i like roast beef sandwiches. Is that a crime?"

>talk with them for about 10 minutes longer

>they leave and apologize for wasting my time

>im unstoppable

>even the cops can't stop catfishman

day 7

>start getting nervous

>start doing all catfishing on a vpn

>dont even know if that will protect me

>arrange to meet 1 indian chick at a casino

>tell her to get all fancy cause i like to dress to the 9's

>be me

>sitting at blackjack table with wayne gretzky jersey

>see this hot jasmine girl walk in

>text her "oh shit i thought you were a casino indian, nm"

>"sir you can't use your phone at the table"

>turn off phone

>flip over my cards

>21

>"brownjack"

day 8

>prepare yourself for 10x the laughs

>literally

>10x the laughs

>arrange a date

>with 10 girls

>all at the same restaurant

>in fact the same table

>at the same time

>sitting in corner booth with my mom

>just taking her our because im a "good son"

>how could a good son be catfishman

>the perfect cover

>girl 1 walks in

>shes got a huge smile on her face

>girl 2 walks in and is seated

>both girls are confused

>girl 3 comes 2 minutes later

>they all start talking

>pretty soon 6 more drop by

>1 was a no show

>they are all comparing phones and messages

>getting super heated

>I text one of them

>"the bastard just texted me"

>"what did he say?"

>"it says ever seen the hunger games?"

day 9

>realize ive been banned by POF

>move on to okcupid

>do the exact same thing

>see fucking same girl as day 1 girl

>monkey girl

>give her the dog and pony show

>shes fucking smitten

>ask her whats a good date idea

>she tells me "ice cream is good and maybe a walk"

>"sounds great, how about we try that at the zoo?"

>takes a long ass time to respond

>literally next day

day 10

>figured she figured me out

>figured shed realize that a 6 like her wouldnt have a chance with the male model i was reppin

>"sure"

>mother of god she's stupid

>"meet me by the entrance after work"

>go there with nephew

>she's there with a fucking plain clothes policeman

>i know because its the same guy who knocked on my door

>walk right past them

>they were none the wiser

>she texts me while im getting my face painted with my neph

>"coming?"

>text her back "meet me by the monkeys! :)"

>walk past her in face paint and smile

>cop is on his phone

>its getting hot

>leave without texting her

>on way back i play "hey hey we're the monkeys" in the car for nephew

>he loves it

day 11

>figure ive pranked a ton of girls

>cops are after me

>how come I havent gotten any recognition?

>how come the news isnt covering the catfishman?

>start getting pissed off

>literally checking #catfishman every hour

>for the date I have planned that evening have something special

>tell the girl we're going for coffee

>"you coming? coffees getting cold. So am I. ;)"

>tell her to check the board where they have all these band posters

>"i left you a surprise."

>right in the middle

>printed in comic sans...

>"WHO IS THE CATFISHMAN?"

>she replies, "umm?"

>"gotchya bitch."

>throw away my burner as to not leave a trace

day 12

>still not a fucking peep on social media

>these fucking bitches are too dumb

>decide to play in a bigger pond

>a pond with men

>i go on okcupid and change my profile to bi

>start chatting up all these gay guys

>one guy instantly offers sex

>"ok but i dont want my roommate seeing us..."

>"come over. you got a big dick?"

>"there's a reason the girls call me cat fish man"

>"?"

>he didnt fucking get it

>"lets try something dirty, how about we do it in a car?"

>"hot."

>give him the address

>2 hours later get a text... "im waiting in the arbys parking lot...where are you its 11?"

day 13

>coworker sees my okcupid profile at work

>"haha trying online dating man? I'm doing it too...girls are crazy sluts on this site"

>looks at my profile

>doesnt see picture just sees "Interested in men"

>he gets super awkward

>"oh... I uhh... see you at the meeting."

>at the meeting he makes a snide comment trying to call me gay

>appear weak and meager

>dont want him to know my secret identity

>tear up a bit

>spend rest of work day hunting down his profile

>find it

>the catfish man is coming work friend.

day 14

>the catfishman just did the most diabolical thing ever

>and became the catfishwoman

>start chatting up work friend

>im a fucking blond bombshell and hes a fucking 5.5 if that

>he has no fucking game

>trying my darndest to get him to do the invite

>he finally asks me after like 9 messages

>we're going for drinks

>tell him to bring condoms

>now for part 2 of my plan

>post his pic on tinder

>'interested in men'

>profile says "will suck dick if you're okay with me pretending to be straight'

>get a response from this asian guy whos twice our age

>tell him to meet me at the bar

>go their 20 mins before

>hiding in corner of bar restaurant trying not to laugh

>see work mate waiting at bar

>see this asian guy walk right up to him being super gay

>work mate is confused

>snap picture of the two of them

>print it out the next day and post it around the office with hashtag #catfishman

>everyone thinks he's gay now :)

day 15

>on this day the catfishman would meet his greatest foe

>love

>start trolling this one nerdy girl

>she likes comics just like me

>even has a softspot for some villains

>she asks me who my favourite villains are

>"the green goblin, kraven, catfishman, vermin--all the best ones."

>we text for fucking hours that night talking about music and life

>she's so fucking cool

day 16

>i want to actually go on a date with this girl so bad

>have no idea how to

>she thinks im a 6'4 australian rugby player

>who is worldly, lives a playboy lifestyle, and all that shit

>tell her im going to plan the most epic of dates

>one she wont soon forget

>the night though

>i needed a fix

>i needed to feel power

>so I set up a quick date with a single mom

>"little late notice, but i can get the baby sitter"

>a new fucking low

>she was working 2 jobs or something too

>didnt matter

>I am catfishman...super villain

>she texts me about 2 hours later... "are you coming... if not i really need to get back."

>"yes just wait for me my dear."

>30 mins later "almost there"

>45 mins later "just parking"

>"im leaving this is ridiculous."

>"just like your hair bitch."

>she calls me and screams at me for wasting her time saying how she now owes the babysitter $20 and for what

>"your babysitter sounds hot. What's her number?"

day 17

>tell nerdy girl the plans

>we're meeting in china town

>at this old bubble tea place

>she goes in

>sits down at the table right across from me

>she's even cuter in person

>i start talking to the old asian lady at the counter

>talking really loudly

>"heh i have those first date jitters."

>nerdy girl smiles.

>we're both waiting there a good 30 minutes

>im just reading comics on my phone

>had to turn it off because of the vibrations when she texted though

>eventually she speaks up, "heh, yours isn't coming either?"

>"nope." try not to tear up as I thought of my dead dog

>get up leave a tip for the old asian lady

>walk out with a sigh

>wait for her to leave as I wait in my car

>part 1 is complete

day 17 continued

>turn phone back on

>see a shit ton of texts

>don't reply

>see her leave teary eyed about 15 minutes later

>she hops into her car

>and I fucking follow her like some kind of stalker

>she gets out at this apartment complex

>I write down the address then go home to catfish some more bitches to make myself feel better

>see a girl i knew from high school and set up a date for the next day

>happy about that

>but more happy about my plan with nerdy girl

day 18

>girl from high school has changed a lot

>she's way more mature and about 50 pounds heavier in her pics

>tell her i want to take her to see the avengers

>she says shes not big into movies on first dates but eventually agrees if im paying

>"dont you worry my dear. Dont even think of bringing your wallet."

>heres where things get good

>while im at the movie theater loling at this highschool crush i was also handing in a resume

>why? you'll see but know catfishman is always 2 steps ahead of dumb bitches

>i got an instant interview so i didnt see what happened to highschool girl but i didnt even care because I got it

>i got the projectionist position at the theater

>and I started right away

day 19

>take day off at my real job

>said I needed a CFM day

>receptionist had no idea what that meant

>create a new account and hunt down nerdy girl

>this time the suitor is just a normal guy

>within a few messages we're fucking talking like old chums

>she really likes this stock photo guy

>"want to go to a movie?"

>"sure!!! Have you seen Avengers?"

>"No. No I haven't."

>I worked 3 showings of the Avengers that day as the projectionist

>when she arrives i text her to meet me inside the theater, "ill be there in a minute"

>never show

>however on her seat (we have assigned seats here) a playing card with a cat fish drawn on it

>she picks it up and looks at it for a second

>the suitor never shows and she just sits there by herself and watches the movie in sadness

>I felt so bad

>i watched her the entire time

>when she was preparing to leave

>i took off my uniform and ran for the parking lot

>i then pretended like I was going in

>we crossed paths for a moment

>she kind of recognized me

>but I just kept walking

>part 2 complete

day 20

>quit my job at the movie theater

>i needed funds for part 3 though

>and while my regular work had decent pay

I needed a little bit more to cover costs

>so I dug up my old costume: catfishwoman

>and went on the prowl

>and started hitting on guys in the states

>telling them im sick of my family and just waiting for an excuse to leave them

>not even 2 hours in this old creepy guy on okcupid offers to pay my flight if i skype with him for a bit

>agree

>basically have camera up to my bare fucking hairless beta legs the whole time

>dont even say any words just listen to him say the creepiest shit and then the click clak of fap

>he's fapping to the image of my bare legs

>"why dont you show me your pussy."

>i turn off the camera and type "save it for when we meet. :)"

>he paypals me $900

>tell him to meet me at the airport the next day

>meanwhile I head over to the apartments of the nerdy girl

>there is a sign on the front lawn that says "rent!" go in and speak with a manager

>go in and put damage deposit down without even looking

>see the plan is to pretend im moving in there

>so we're like neighbours

>and she can talk to me

>however things dont go as planned

>hang around the fucking halls for the entire night

>waiting

>catfishing

>waiting

>she does not come

day 21

>i message nerdy girl on a new catfish account

>she doesnt respond

>i get anxious and make another

>i have a legion of accounts now

>i literally bought a gig on fiverr to make me 20 accounts for $5

>"catfishman catfishman does what ever bitch he can, hey now here comes the catfish man." i sing to myself

>just doing that made me feel like a real super villain

>i messaged her on fucking 8 different accounts and waited

>she didnt respond

>I went back to the apartment hoping to maybe catch her walking

>when I noticed the police and an ambulance waiting outside

>a whole crowd of people were around

>I talked to the manager guy

>"whats going on?"

>"some girl was raped last night."

>oh fuck now.

>head back to my car

>my eyes suspiciously meet with one of the on duty cops

>its the magnet/zoo cop... and he fucking recognizes me

>get into car quickly and play games the rest of the night trying not to think about it

day 22

>at work

>trying to do my work

>when all of a sudden the receptionist walks in with two cops

>oh fuck

>they'll never figure it out, you're too sssssmart for them

>"you again...."

>its the same cop

>"hi yes, we're investigating an incident...where were you two nights ago?"

>"I...I..." I'm about to break down

>"playing video games. why?"

>"we're going to have to ask you to come downtown."

>go with them

>whole office is in an uproar

>almost died of a heart attack as we passed a "who is the catfishman" poster by the lunchroom

>make a statement, have no alibi without causing suspicion, but offer dna samples

>go home and seriously consider running away

all you faggots are trying to catfish the catfishman. You can't.

day xx

>a few weeks later they catch the guy who raped nerdy girl

>i go back to her apartments to get my damage deposit back

>i spent $900 on a failed plan

>i wasnt that smart to be honest

>see nerdy girl walking sheepishly to her car

>want to say something to her

>want to tell her how i wish I was there to help her

>how i never wanted any harm to happen to her

>but then realize

>i am catfishman

>if i never did what i did the first 2 times she might have found a boyfriend and she would never have been raped

>she walks into her car and drives off

>I sit out front for a little bit

>contemplating life

>what i was doing to peoples lives

>how mean I was...

>and then... like a sign...

>monkey girl from day 1 walks by

>she goes inside without even giving me a smile or a nod

>walks right passed me like im a ghost

>i snicker as I pull out my phone.

>I will never stop. I will always be out there.

BEWARE ALL THOSE WHO DATE ONLINE. I AM OUT THERE. LURKING. WAITING. EMOJING. I AM CATFISHMAN. (.)<

fin thanks for a wild ride guys