Uncle Anon



Uncle Anon was a 29 year old Anon with a 9 year old niece. He told his story and posted on /b/ with under the handle Uncle Anon!!zTT8yF+bBLo every wednesday at 10:00pm 4chan time (EST).

Uncle Anon has been B& from /b/. This banning is just one of many clues that moot is a raging, fucktarded faggot, and another inoperable tumor sprouted due to metastatic cancer. While it's now perfectly fine for overexcited 12 year old newfags to dance around like /b/ is their little private club, and it's perfectly fine to post delicious wincest stories filled with raep, it's a bannable offense to post about how you spend harmless, quality time with your niece. It seems /b/ is all but lost to the cesspool of reposts, forced memes and "wierd" high school anime fans.

The Girl
Okay, fair enough. Well, she's got long brown hair which goes about 1/4 of the way down her back. She has hazel/green eyes like her mom, and the angular, eastern-european facial structure of her dad. She has a few freckles, mostly on her shoulders. Naturally, she has a delicious flat chest and no hips to speak of. She's also tiny - her head only comes up to my chest (an inch or so from my neck) and she weighs practically nothing, so I can carry her for a long time and not get tired.

Part 1 - 05/07/08
So, I guess they teach kids useful stuff nowadays in schools / on the internets, /b/. About an hour ago, I had a lengthy conversation with my 9 year old niece, whom I was watching for my bro, about her favorite kind of porn.



A little background. My niece is a darling, but she's got my brother's filthy mouth. She also spends a LOT of time on the net. Anyway, we were watching tv and some internets-related shit was on, so we started talking about the sites she visits. Immediately, she starts talking about porn sites (she mentioned youporn.com, fyi). So, I'm a little taken aback. She tells me she doesn't let her mom or dad know she goes to those places, but she loves watching teh prons. She knows she can tell me this sort of thing and won't get in trouble, because I have of history of buying her dangerous / annoying / child-inappropriate toys and games; plus, she loves the hell out of me.

So we're talking about prons, and she says she "rubs her cooch" while she watches, and she gets new ideas for getting off. I'm trying real hard at this point not to pop 20 boners, and she's asking me what my favorite kind of porn is. So I tell her I watch Lez stuff (true) and she tells me that she likes to watch those too. 20 boners. No stopping it.

The show we're watching ends, and she knows it's time for bed. No, I didn't lay the hard rape on her - as I mentioned, she's a real angel. HOWEVER, she did tell me that she was going to take a "special" shower, and winked at me. After she got ready for the bath, she walked out into the hallway (her room --> bathroom) in just a towel, and told me "I'm gonna be a while, if you know what I mean" and another big smile. 20 more boners.

Ok, so here's /b/'s part. What do I do here? I sure as hell don't want to just rat her out to her dad about being a slut-in-the-making. I don't want to apply the savage raep, either, because I love her and her dad. Options?

Part 2 - 05/08/08
Hey thar /b/. Guy from the thread last night about mah nine year old niece here. Just thought i'd give anon a quick update.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I watch my niece pretty often for my bro. (I've got her till Saturday this time.) I haven't babysat her more than a day or two before, so I'm getting more of a taste of living with a 9 year old girl. It's not as annoying as you'd think; as her uncle, I'm the hero-who-lets-her-do-stuff-mom-and-dad-won't, and she generally listens to me when I ask her. I guess she trusts me, too, because she was telling me about her favorite porn yesterday. Anyway, enough about that - on to the part you want to hear about.

My niece had been playing outside most of the day, so she was all grassstains and dirt when it got dark. (we live within walking distance of the city park - I walked her over and let her run around with her friends.) When she gets inside the house, she tells me, "Aww, fuck. I'm all dirty!" Great kid, but what a mouth. I agree that she's filthy, and tell her to hit the showers. She does so, and when she's done, she comes out into the living room in her undershirt and panties, and tells me she wants to play SSBB with me.

Long story short, she ends up getting pwnd by falcon punches over and over, and in a pouty rage tries to tackle me. So now I've got a sweetly shampoo-scented, wet-haired little girl, in undergarments only, clinging to me and trying to ticklefight. It wasn't easy, but I surpressed the 20 boners that were loin-raging. Her tummy is her weak spot (she can't stand being tickled there) and since I don't even have to pull a shirt out of the way to get at bare skin, she gives up instantly. A few pouty faces later, she's sitting on my lap playing the Subspace Emmersary thing by herself ("NO you can't join, you'll just waste my lives"). Just as well - we use wiimote+ninchuck, and I'd have to have shooed her off my lap to play. After a while I notice she's getting tired, so I pick her up, dangle her upside down until she turns off the game, and then carry her to her bedroom. She gives me a kiss on the cheek before I leave, too.

tl;dr version time: Epic fail for the "Become An Creepy Uncle" crowd, since she didn't make any conversation about porn sites at all today. Still, I got to feel her ass grinding on my crotch with only panties and my shorts in between, so that's some win.

Part 3 - 05/09/08
Hey, /b/.

Uncle-Anon-with-9-year-old-loli-niece here. If you haven't been following, she's a smart, fun little girl who likes swearing and porn. Anyway, I got something interesting for you tonight!

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm taking care of my niece till Saturday. Day was pretty uneventful (shopping, mostly), but tonight, after we played a little guitar hero on the wii, she tells me she's going to go "look at some stuff on the internet." She gives this highly devious and very cute grin, walks up to where I'm sitting on the couch, leans forward, and says real quiet, in almost a whisper, "you know, THAT stuff," and does a little spin (I shit you not, /b/) as she walks into the computer room. At this point, my boner-sense is tingling, but I'm a good uncle, who's not going to engage raep protocols, right? RIGHT?

Well, yeah, pretty much, except five or ten minutes later she yells for me to come here. I walk into the computer room. The lights are off, she's on Youporn.com, and I swear I could make out the scent of sex in the air. My brain's telling me, "OK, so there's an aroused loli here, emitting sex pheremones, and you're alone with her. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON." Even so, I play it cool, and ask what's up. She wants to know if I have one of these: and she points at the screen. She's watching one of the fleshlite internal-cum videos. 20 boner alert is going off at this point, but I continue to stay cool, and tell her naw, I don't need one of those. She replies, "Oh, so you just use your hand, huh? Me too!" I pop 20 boners.

Luckily, I'm standing behind her computer chair, so she can't see Mr. Furious and his 19 friends. I figure it's probably dangerous to persue this line too much further, so I tell her yeah, well, that's great, finish up, and then get your bath. As I turn to go, she tells me to wait for a sec. I come back, and she tells me to watch this, and plays the porno. The guy fucks the fleshlite for about 30 seconds (dick cam shows the dick moving in and out) and then he blows his load. My niece sucks in her breath and says "O Wow. That's so cool," while sort-of grinding, real slowly - barely noticably, on the seat of the chair. After a second, she reiterates, "That's pretty fucking cool, right?" And I tell her, yep, sure was, I guess. At this point she tells me, "Okay, go away, I got some business to do."

HERE IS THE EPIC FAIL PART, /b/. I said okay, hurry up, then get your bath, and left.

FUCK ME WITH A BROOM, /b/. If I'd been just a little pervvier, I could have said "lemme watch ya get off!" and she probably would have let me. GOD DAMN, GOD DAMN. Feel free to insult my manhood, /b/.

Part 4 - 05/14/08
Hallo thar, /b/. Uncle Anon back for another update on my 9 year old niece.

Last week I was taking care of my niece for several days, during which time she ended up showing me a porno that she was watching on the internets. That was Friday evening - on Saturday I visited my Bro's place and gave her back. No raep took place, and my niece actually was trying to bargin for one more day at my place when it was time for me to leave, so I'm pretty sure she was having fun.

Here's the brass tacks, /b/: She's coming back on Thursday. She called me this afternoon when she got home from school, and she told me I have to take her swimming at my mom's pool. I tell her no problem, but she won't be able to visit Grandma, because she's off on a bus tour to Colorado. She's still plenty happy about that. A few seconds pass where neither of us say anything, and then she tells me in a low, whispery voice, "Hey [Uncle], can we stay until it's dark?" I didn't know what she was getting at, but I said sure, if you want to. Still real whispery, she says "Yeah, cuz if it's dark we can skinny dip, right?"

... What the hell. I tell her maybe, we'll see, and she laughs, says she can't wait, tells me "love you, bye," and hangs up. Yes, she knows what skinny dipping is. We joked about it all the time when she was younger and swam nekkid. I suppose it wouldn't be an update without me mentioning that, while her conspiratorial whispering was cute, it didn't cause me to pop 20 boners. It's actually worrisome - I've got some decision-making to do by Thursday.

Usual RAEP HER DUMBASS and YUO ARE A BAD PERSON feedback is appreciated, /b/

Part 5 - 05/15/08
Uncle Anon here. Taking care of my nine year old niece has become serious business. WARNING. This is a damn long update, and took me a while to write. tl;dr version: LOL CREEPY UNCLE ANON

I picked her up from my brother's place after her school today. She was all hugs and kisses, and had her overnight bag already packed when I got there. As we drove to my mom's place (I promised her a visit to the pool last time) she talked about what she'd been doing this week: stuff like her friend's 10th birthday coming up (normal kids stuff) and which games she wants me to buy for the wii for her (awesome kids stuff). I really love watching her when she's so bubbly and happy, /b/: The way she bites her lower lip when she smiles, the way she tilts her head to the side when she's acting disappointed, and the way she rubs her face on mine when she hugs me warms my soul like you wouldn't believe.

As I mentioned, my mom wasn't home, so it was just the two of us. As soon as we pulled into the driveway, my niece was out the door with her bag and racing to get changed into her swimsuit (she brought her rediculously cute two-piece white and greenstriped bathing suit). She then whines at me to hurry up until I lube her up with suntan lotion (It looked like it was going to rain earlier, but it cleared up and we got some great sunshine.) I get the pool cover off just in time for her to jump in, splashing my clothes, of course. I was marginally pissed when she stuck out her tongue at me, but she immediately apologized. So damn cute.

I'll spare you the details, but we played a few pool games, ordered a pizza, played some chess (more like I played against myself, and she moved her side) and swam some more. I was worried about what she had told me on the phone a few days ago about staying till it got dark (she wanted to skinny dip), so I suggested we get going as the sun started going down. This actually was advice from /b/ yesterday, but I had planned to do it anyway. Also, to the "HOW R U GOIN TO RAPE HER IF U DONT GET HER NEKKID"? crowd, that's not my issue - I don't need to raep to have a good time with my niece. Just the same, I didn't want to be in a position where I'm alone in the nude together with a 9 year old girl - as it's been pointed out, that shit is hard to explain to other people. Anyway, my niece goes into full-on pout mode, and swims to the dead center of the pool while refusing to get out. After some hardcore begging and pleading, I agree we can stay for another hour or so. This was either epic win or total fail. Keep reading.



Okay, so night falls, and we're still swimming. I'm doing some slow laps, and she's hanging around in the other end of the pool. Next thing I know, something splashes into the water next to me. It's a swimsuit top. Before I can protest to my niece that this might not be such a good idea, a pair of bottoms splashes on the other side of me. Lots of giggling from the other side of the pool. "Ahh, that's so much better," she says.

Okay, so now I've got a nekkid loli in the pool with me. I'm comfortable with my niece, but this is new territory - I've never been alone with her while she's nude. I put her suit on the side of the pool, and I feel a little tug on my suit. "Aren't you going to take yours off? It feels soo good," she tells me. I tell her to fuggedaboutit, but if she wants to paddle around with no suit, that's fine. She does, for about two minutes. Then, "[Uncle], can you toss me?" This is the game where the adult shot-puts the kid across the pool. She loves it when I throw her, of course. I tell her the whole idea of skinny dipping is that you don't get out of the water after you're nekkid. She says she doesn't care, and that it's dark enough, and that it's just me with her so it's okay. When she says that, my cock goes on yellow alert - boner levels rising.

Never one to say no consistently to her, I carefully pick up my niece and give her a good toss. She immediately swims back to me, turns her back, and says "again!" So I toss her a few more times. To get a good throw, of course, I have to put one hand on her back/waist and the other under her butt, so every time she swims back I've got my hand on her bare ass again. During one throw, I lose my grip slightly, and I'm pretty sure my palm rubs her loli vagoo during the launch. After that throw, I tell her okay no more (more whining, of course), and I swim over to the edge of the pool. She follows me, and latches on in a big hug. She snuggles naked with me for a minute or two (at this point I'm sporting 20 boners, naturally). After a few quiet minutes of her rubbing her loli chest on me, she lets go and stands in front of me, looking down in the water. "Let me see it," she says quietly.

I tell her no way, kid. She says "come on, just for a second." Me: No dice. Her hands go to her hips and she says "I've seen lots of them before on the internet, you know." I say, yeah, well, good for you. She looks like shes about to get angry, but then she calms down and says in her I'm-doing-bad-stuff whisper, "then just take off your suit. It's dark, so I won't be able to see it." I consider this. I reply that it doesn't look good for an uncle and niece to be nekkid in the pool together. She says "I won't tell if you won't. Besides, Grandma's not here, so nobody will see us." At this point, I know I'm on the edge of the blade. I figure to hell with it. I take off my suit. I tell her no nekkid hugs, though.

So now I'm hanging out at the edge of the pool, naked, semi boner'd, watching my niece paddle around naked in the dark water. Every once in a while she dives underwater and comes up near me. She's pretty obviously trying to catch a glimpse of UncleCock(tm), but I figure the water's too dark. Without warning, she then climbs out of the pool, bare-assed, of course, and gets a pair of goggles. As she jumps back in the water, I tell her no way, no goggles allowed during skinny dipping. She evil-grins and starts to put them on, so I start swimming toward her to confiscate them. I get there just as she gets them on, and she immediately dives. I catch her as she goes under, but she tries to wiggle away. As she tries to dart away underwater, I grab whatever I can on her, which ends up being her legs/thighs, and pull her up. At that point, I'm standing in front of her, taking off her goggles. Suddenly I feel a little hand grab my cock. Electric fucking shock. I jump back like she stabbed me. What the hell, I ask her, why did you do that? She just shrugs and looks away. "it was hot," she finally says.

So yeah, you guys called it yesterday, and I was still completely unprepared. We get out of the pool after that (I wrap her up in a towel without saying anything - I'm struggling with my own feelings at this point). "You should do that only when you're older," I don't say. "Save those kinds of touches for a boyfriend," I do not tell her. Instead, I mechanically and silently go through the motions of getting her ready to go home. As I'm drying her hair with the towel, she tells me, "I'm sorry, [Uncle]. I just wanted to..." I cut her off with "yeah, I know." She's almost in tears at this point. "I'm... sorry. Please don't be mad," she says. I look at her for a second, and give her a hug. I tell her I'm not mad. I was just really surprised, is all. She hugs me back, and can feel her shaking a little. After a minute, she kisses my cheek and says "I'm glad you're not mad, [Uncle]."

We drive home, and she's mostly passed out when we get back to my place. "Carry me," she says, barely awake. I carry her inside and put her on the guest bed. She opens her eyes a bit, and smiles at me. She puts her arms out for a hug, and I oblige. "I love you, uncle," she says. I tell her I love you too.

I'll be giving her back to my brother tommorrow, /b/, so that means I'll probably be in jail by the weekend. As such, there might not be more updates for 2-5 years. We'll find out, I guess.

Part 6 - 05/23/08
Uncle Anon here. Sorry for the lack of updates. There's a good reason for it. Here's what's been happening since my last update - which was one week ago, Friday.

Sunday, May 18
I didn't visit my Bro's place after all. Was rainy, and didn't really feel all that great, so I figured I'd stay home. I was in the middle of a particularly entertaining TF2 sniper duel when I get a call. It's my niece. She wants to chat. I lose all my dominations, because no matter how hard I try, I can't help but pay attention to her, even when she's just going on about which teachers she hates, what she did in gym class, and what games she thinks I should buy for the Wii. She doesn't even have a Wii, but she wants me to buy games for mine so she can play them. The hilarious thing is how much she swears, once she gets worked up, though. "Mrs. [one of her teachers] is such a fucking bitch, you know?" "They're [boy's side of the gym] such assholes all the time." "Mom chewed my ass about my homework, but I didn't do it. She's always pissed, you know?"

We talk for a pretty long time - I switch to engi and just tank my turret so I don't have to think hard about the game and can listen to my niece cuss. After a while, she starts talking about how much she loves to visit me. She actually surprises me when she tells me "Thanks for always letting me visit you, [Uncle]." I tell her no problem, it's my pleasure to have her over. "I wish I could live at your house all the time," she tells me. I ask what's wrong with her house. She swears for about five minutes about chores, schoolwork, sucky games, rationed internet, and the injustice of it all. I tell her that if she lived with me, she'd have to do all that stuff here, too. She tells me, "Nuh uh, you always help me with everything." She pauses, and then, "like my shirt." Spy's sappin' mah sentry, so I wasn't paying enough attention to know what she's talking about - I figure it's something I bought for her, so I say no problem. "Next time, you can help me with my undies, too," she whispers. WHOOPS, okay, now I'm paying attention. She's talking about bathtime, when I took her shirt off her. I play it cool, despite and the onsurge of what will likely be about 20 sentries going up in my pants, and ask what her Mom would think if she heard her talking like that. She giggles. "she'd probably beat my ass," she admits.

After that, the conversation winds down, and she tells me love you bye. Cuteness overwhelming.

Wednesday, May 21
After I picked her up from school, we drove back to her house to get her overnight bags. It was a dreary, rainy day, so we decided to go visit my Mom. No swimming this time, of course, but we played card games and watched TV, which was fun. My niece was rather more clingy than usual today, too. We had to play a few hands of gin as a team against my Mom, because she had to sit on my lap. She also was snuggling with me while we watched TV, and had to sit next to me while we ate dinner, too. Whenever I'd try to talk with my Mom about her trip or chat with my Brother, a pair of little hands would grab one of mine and drag me away for more games. She actually got pretty fiesty at one point, so I had to put her in the Torture Rack (that's a wrestling move, fyi, where you drape your opponent over your shoulders, basically). After I let her down, of course, she wanted to do it again. I told her fuggedaboutit.

We stayed until after dark at my Mom's place, so my Niece's mom told her to get her bath here so she wouldn't need one at my place. My paranoia is kicking in a bit here, but I quickly dismiss it as nothing. It's not unusual for my niece to get her shower right out of the pool, so her mom's probably just figuring that if she's here at night, she might as well get her bath.

We drove home, and I carried my niece inside and put her on the guest bed. I paused, and watched her sleep for a few seconds. You just don't get improper thoughts looking at such vulnerable, sleeping cuteness. I tucked her in, kissed her goodnight, and left.

PS I couldn't work 20 boners into this update, sorry. OOPS! I just did!

Thursday, May 22
I feed my niece pancakes for breakfast (my awesome powdered sugar and chocolate chip pancakes, I might add), take her to school, do mah thang, and then pick her up from school. The weather's pretty good outside, so I suggest a walk to the park, but she wants to play the Wii. I can't say no to that, so we end up doing some Wii boxing (owned her like a little girl. Oh wait- ), tennis (she always wins, grumble grumble), and then switch to SSMB. Plenty of FALCON PUNCHs later, she wants to play Zelda. I don't mind watching her play, so she climbs onto my lap and starts killing the annoying bugs that unlock areas. The parts where you have to be a dog are, imo, pretty boring, so by the time she's halfway through the second section of bugs, I'm dozing off.

I wake up to find that my niece has turned off the game, turned around, snuggled me and fallen asleep herself. She's straddled me, so her legs are off to each side of my lap, her arms are around my chest/waist, and her head's on my shoulder. She's warm, and smells nice. I sit for a while, just enjoying her closeness, and without really thinking, start to rub her back. Her tiny form is amazing - so delicate and breakable, but also fit, with almost no trace of fat. I run my fingers up and down her back a few times without realizing what I'm doing. Then, with a bit of a start, I guiltily pull my hands away from the small of her back. My niece then shifts slightly, and just barely opening her eyes, tilts her head up at my face. "Please don't stop," she murmurs, and lays her head back on my shoulder.

I know its dangerous and probably grey-area, but I start rubbing her back again. I work her shoulders for a bit, and when i get to her neck, she stretchs so my hands rub her neck too. This is bare skin, and she's very, very smooth. It feels great holding her like this; I won't deny it. I find myself wanting very much to give her butt a squeeze, but I don't. My hands just trace up and down her back, taking in the contour of her frame. My niece starts making little purring, "mm" noises while I rub her. This, moreso than having my hands on her body, causes unstoppable 20 bonerification. When they pop, i realize that her crotch is right above mine; she's gonna feel them - all 20. I lift her up and set her on the couch next to me while listening to her protests. I've gotta take a leak, I tell her. I retreat to the bathroom and calm down.

When I come back, she wants more rubbing, but I tell her we're done for now. She whines for a while, and finally tells me that I'll have to do it again later. At this point, I figure we gotta get out of the house, so I tell her we're going shopping. She's a bit sulky, but once we're in the car she's happy again. We buy some food and supplies, and of course check the electronics and toys sections. While we were in the toy section, she spots something she wants. Now, my niece loves legos, and I've been getting her into Star Wars, so when she sees a lego AT-ST, it was instant DO WANT. It's about $20, so I figure what the hell and buy it for her. Since I was sort of kneeling down to pick it up off the shelf when I handed it to her, she immediately throws her arms around me while telling me thanks, nearly knocking me over. I tell her I'm allowed to spoil my favorite niece once in a while (of course, she's my only niece). At that, she plants a kiss on my lips, and then turns a pretty shade of red. I guess she didn't think about the fact that we are, after all, in a public place. As we're heading out, she holds one of my hands while I push the cart with the other.

We get home, and she has to put the lego thing together right away. I make a late dinner (with my leet cooking skills - chicken tenderloins, candied carrots, and salad) while she puts the model together. We eat, and she makes a big to-do about how good my cooking is. Such a sweetheart. Afterwards, she keeps working on the AT-ST while I check some news online. When she finishes, I have to admit it's pretty cool. It looks like a pretty convincing AT-ST. She's plenty proud of herself, and insists that it sit next to my monitor.

So after some TV and snuggling on the couch it's bathtime, and I'm thinking about what she said during the phone call. I tell her to go get ready for bath, and she jumps up, runs to the bathroom, and starts getting ready. Ah - that was easy, I think. Next thing I know, she's back. She jumps on the sofa next to me and puts her feet on my lap. "Help me with my socks!" she says. I think I know where this is going; the signs all point to destination Bonertown, population 20. After I pull off her socks, she stands up in front of the couch and puts her hands over her head. "Now my shirt!" she says. Okay. 20 boner containment field at 40% and dropping. I pull her shirt over her head, so now she's naked from the waist up. I tell her she really ought to do the rest herself (shorts and panties), and try to avoid looking directly at her delicious flat chest. Instead, she hops back on the sofa and tries to root down in the cushions. I tell her come on, quit screwing around and go get your shower. She puts an arm over her nipples and the other over her head and pretends to be asleep. I say don't you know it's dangerous for half-nekkid little girls to fall asleep around older guys? "Why?" she asks. I tell her because they'll do this (I tickle her exposed belly) and worse. After peals of laughter and lots of squirming, I stop tickling and tell her to get going. She looks at me, still breathing heavily, one arm at her side and the other on her tummy, and says "do it worse." Oh man.

I pick her up, throw her over my shoulder, sack-o-potatoes style, and dump her in the bathroom. I tell her to get her bath and get in bed, since she has school tommorrow. I went back to the couch and stared at the TV for a few minutes, until I heard the water turn on. Then I went to my room and closed the door.

I'll have her until Saturday evening.

Friday, May 23
Morning. Breakfast is scrambled eggs and jellied toast. My niece seems sleepy, so we don't talk much. I drive her to school, and I get a kiss goodbye when she leaves the car. Work happens. I pick her up in the afternoon, and take her back home. Since it's a nice day (little overcast, but warm), we decide to go for a walk to the park. It's not very far, so we walk there, talking about her day at school. She's like me, in that she really enjoys history. I'm always impressed with how much she already knows about what she's being taught in social studies: they're talking about US colonials vs. indians, and she was telling me all about Custer, and how he a bad person but a good fighter. I liked how she described the way Custer chopped off the tops of indian's heads.

After the walk, we decided to go out for dinner, eventually deciding on Olive Garden. My niece loves the place. I won't go into too much detail, but I'm pretty sure she was attempting to provoke between one and twenty boners the way she was eating the breadsticks. The reason for my suspicion was the giggling she'd do after popping the end in her mouth. We shared a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. That shit's expensive, too.

On the way home, my niece tells me that she "really enjoyed our date." I smile and tell her that was dinner, not a date. She insisted that no, it definitely was a date. Very quickly the conversation degenerated into her saying "uh-huh"s and my saying "nuh-uh"s for pretty much the rest of the way home.

When we get home, she plays some Guitar Hero (she likes Barracuda) and we take turns playing. Of course, she has to be sitting on my lap the whole time, which makes guitar'ing rather hard for me. Right as I start another round of Cliffs of Dover, she says she wants to use my computer and runs in the other room. I play a couple more songs then go check on what my niece is up to. She's on youporn again, watching some straight HC stuff. My computer chair has a pretty high back, so I can't really see what she's doing, but I notice her knees on the armrests. Cue "O SHI--" moment. I go play dragonforce by slamming my 20 boners against the guitar until she's done.

Skip ahead to bathtime. Of course, I have to undress her again. Socks, shirt, UNDERSHIRT, and skirt come off, piece by piece. When we get to her panties, I shoo her away, and tell her to take those off in the bathroom. You can see the bathroom door from the Wii room, so she makes like she's going for her bath, and then stops. "Hay, [Uncle]!" she says. I look over to see her panties dropping down past her knees. She steps out of them, totally nude (but not facing me), sticks out her tongue at me and closes the bathroom door. I have some massive willpower, and it's a damn good thing, too.

After bath, we watch some TV. She's starting to act sleepy, so I tell her to get in bed. "I don't wanna," she says. I tell her DO IT, but she says "I don't like that bed. It's not comfortable." I ask when, exactly, did it become uncomfortable, since she's always slept in the same one. She shrugs and reiterates that she doesn't like it. "I want to sleep in your bed," she says. Under normal circumstances, I'd have made Logride Guy's FUUUUUUCK face at this point. I say that I don't even go to bed till much later, and I'd just wake her up when I got into bed. "I don't care, just let me sleep in your bed for tonight, please?" she says. I tell her I don't think it's a good idea. She begs and pouts until I say, okay, okay, just for tonight. She smiles, gives me a kiss (mouth) and tells me goodnight before heading to my bedroom.

So there we are, /b/. I haven't slept in the same bed as another person for close to two years, and now there's a pajama'd loli in my bed. Can I trust myself? I wouldn't try to stick her with my 20 boners; I'm sure of that. I'm considering sleeping on the couch, but she'll be upset if I do. Besides, she'll be asleep by the time I go to bed, so I think it'll be okay. I just hope she doesn't want to make a habit of this - I'm a man of endless restraint, yes, but this is madness. And Sparta.

Part 7
Uncle Anon, back again for another update.

Well, I slept with my niece last night. No, that doesn't mean I gave her the buttsecks; it was just sleeping. Here's the details, since I know you'll want em.

After I signed off last night, I got a quick shower and got ready for bed. I almost flipped the light switch as I walked into my bedroom, but I noticed that the loli on the bed was, luckily for me, already asleep; she was also dressed in her red plaid pajamas, which, while cute, cause far fewer boners than should she have been nekkid. Gripping my towel around my waist, I fumbled around in the dark until I found a pair of boxers and T-shirt - I figure that's probably safe attire for sleeping with a loli. I get dressed in the bathroom.

Time for bed. I'm watching my niece take slow, deep breaths, while doing the same myself. Now, my bed's pretty big (queen size), and she's laying pretty much right in the middle. Trying my best to splinter cell in without her noticing, I slip in on my usual side and lay on my back. I think I've used this metaphor before, but you know the feeling when you're holding a kitten (or puppy, I suppose) and you want to just hug it and squeeze it tightly, but you can't because you know it'll hurt it? How about the tightness you get in your back and neck when you sense an opportunity, and you get that edgy hunger for action? Yeah, it felt like that. I wanted to feel her body heat on me. I wanted to run my hands through her hair, and hear her heartbeat through her chest. In short, I wanted to do to her what I used to do for my girlfriends. As soon as this throught struck me, the immediate guilt of it killed any chance of even one boner.

As I lay there, listening to her steady breathing as she slept beside me, I decided (or, rather, confirmed to myself) that I wasn't going to do anything that wasn't mostly innocent. I stretched out my arm under her pillow, put my other arm behind my head, and closed my eyes. This was enough, I thought.

It took a while for me to get to sleep, but I eventually passed out. In the morning, I woke up, noticed that my arm was asleep, and I almost rolled over on my niece. She had, at some point, curled up next to me. She had her head on my arm and the rest of her was sort of clinging to my side. I moved my arm so as to restore circulation, which apparently woke up my niece. "G'morning, [Uncle]," she said, and rubbed her face on my shirt. I said good morning, and wrapped my arm around her. She made a little smiling "mm" of approval, and we snuggled.

We stayed in bed for a while longer. I gently petted her hair and ear (accessible from where my arm was), and she idly ran her fingers up and down my shirt. At one point, her hand started to stray rather close to my boxers. As soon as she went below the belt, though, I sat up and gave her a huh-uh. "Awww," she griped, but she didn't push it; instead she turned over on her side in a huff. 20 boners avoided.

After breakfast, we were getting ready to play some Wii when the phone rang. My niece's mom had called to say that she traded shifts and didn't have to work today, so could I bring my niece back as soon as was convienient. I tell her yeah, I'll run her over in an hour or so. After I hung up the phone, I let her know my niece know what was up. She looked dismayed, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she hugged my arm and asked, "When can I come back?" Next week, like always, I said. She continued to hug my arm for a moment, looking down, then gave my arm a kiss and went to get dressed. We drove out to my brother's, and I had a brief visit with my bro detailing the "safer" happenings of the past few days. My niece gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek goodbye, which was nice, and my brother thanked me again for watching her. Then I headed back home.

Part 8 - 05/30/08
Uncle Anon here. There was no update yesterday because I was in bed with a loli at the usual posting time, fighting for my life against the dangerous whisperings of twenty boners. Loli niece is, once again, becoming serious business. Allow me to explain.

I hadn't heard from my brother all week, so I assumed I wouldn't be taking care of my niece. No problem, I thought. I do miss her, but I'll visit on the weekend for my cuteness fix. Well, I get a call right after work from my brother's wife, asking if I could pick up my niece from school and babysit her the rest of the day. Apparently they were trying to take care of her for a whole week without involving me because I "already do so much for her, and they didn't want her to be a burden for me." I reiterated that it's no problem to watch her a day or so every week, and hinted that moar is better. After thanking me, my niece's mom hangs up. Even though I'm driving at the time, that doesn't stop me from giving a Napolean Dynomite "Yessssss....!"

So I pick her up from school, and she's all kisses (cheek, not tongues) and "Oh, [Uncle!] I missed you!" First thing I notice is that she's got her school stuff, but she doesn't have a change of clothes. As we pull out of the parking lot, I ask if she wants to stop by her house (not really on the way) and get a change of clothes, but she says no. She asks, "Can't you just wash these (what she's wearing) and I can wear them again tommorrow?" I tell her yeah, I can do that, if she doesn't mind wearing the same thing to school twice in a row. I expected her to balk at that, but she didn't care. I guess you're not a scrub if you wear the same stuff twice in a row until, like, high school or something.

I ask if she wants to go hiking in the woods (it's nice weather for it), but she doesn't want to. I tell her it's good exercise, but she says she bounced on her trampoline for HOURS last night, so she doesn't need exercise. I ask what she wants to do, then, and the answer is, "go back to your house, [Uncle]!" with some arm hugging for emphasis. The weather's nice, though, so I suggest we could go swimming at my Mom's. Nope, nothing doing, she wants to spend the day at my place.

So we pull into my place, and she jumps out and heads up to the door, tapping her foot and yelling for me to hurry up once she gets there. Usually, my niece is pretty laid back, but she's acting antsy and fidgety every since I picked her up. She only behaves this way when she's feisty, so I figure she's going to want to ticklefight or something. Well, I wasn't too far off, actually. Once we're inside, I'm winding down from work and putting my stuff away and my niece - well, she makes a break for my computer room. We don't wear shoes in the house at my place, so after she kicks off her shoes, into the computer room she goes. For just a second I sweat bullets, thinking I might have left 4chan up, but no screams of lost innocence come from the room, so I figure I'm safe.

After putting everything else away, I walk up to the computer room to see what my niece wants to do and/or have for dinner. I walk in, and I see a pile of loli clothes on the floor, and a mostly naked loli in my computer chair, watching pron. Now, I wasn't more than five or seven minutes, so all I can say is my niece is fast with her porno-watching. Either that, or she just picks whatever's on the main page. She apparently heard me come in, because she swivvels around a bit in the chair, makes a little "haa" sort of gasp, and then grins at me. "Mom took away my internet for a week, and, um, I just need some privacy," she says, gesturing at the rather ugly-looking dude hammering some chick on the screen. The temperature in the room goes up about twenty boners. I tell her to have fun, and let me know when she's done. As I turn to go I hear her whispery voice again. "Umm, hey," she says, but when I give her a "hmmm?" she just says, "oh, nothing. I love you, [Uncle]." I tell her I love her too, though I immediately wonder how that sits when she's watching a porno.

I play some guitar hero and completely fail to stop thinking about my niece masturbating in the other room. After quite a while - maybe 15 or 20 minutes, I hear her head to the bathroom. Shortly afterward, my niece comes downstairs in just her (all white) undershirt and panties. She climbs, somewhat tiredly, into my lap, facing me, and puts her arms around me. "I'm done," she says. Now, I'm still sporting the 20 boners, which are fully revitalized with those words. I'm wearing pants, so it's a little less obvious, but they're fully active. I pet her hair a little and ask if she's hungry. She nods, rubbing her face on me. I didn't have any real food to feed her, since I hadn't been to the store recently, so I ask if pizza's okay, and she nods again. She's just so soft and smooth, that I can't help pet her gently on the back.

Bear in mind, I haven't had a chance to flog the sailors out of their 20 submarine fleet in a while. I mean, I hadn't actually been expecting my niece today, which is why I hadn't bothered. So when I try to stand up, and my niece whines, grinds her pelvis into my lap and grabs my shirt so I can't get away, I'm momentarily stunned into falling back on the couch. I'm just ordering the pizza, I tell her. She looks at me with halfclosed eyes and says "just order it from here," and puts her head back on my chest. I say that I'll come back and snuggle with her in a minute, and pry her loose. I put her on the cushion next to me, and she rolls away from me. Well, whatever. I order the pizza (I know what toppings she likes) and come back. She has a mean look on her face, and she's sitting, legs spread, arms crossed, looking at me. I ask What did I do? She doesn't say anything, she just motions for me to sit down with her. So I do, and she gets back on my lap. This time, though, she sits up straight so she's almost at eye level with me. "Kiss," she says.

So I kiss her on the cheek. "Not like that," she says, and puts her pointer on her mouth. I tell her no you (yes, I really said that), and she hisses a little in frustration. "The boy is supposed to start," she says, but the next thing I know my niece has her mouth on mine. This is not the usual pecks she gives me on the lips. She's trying to go for a passionate, possibly french, kiss. She doesn't open her mouth, so I leave my mouth in neutral - lips barely parted, and she kisses me. Her inexperience is intoxicating, and she slowly rains kisses on my lips. After a while she gets upset with me. "Do it back!" she orders, and kisses me harder. In a moment of weakness, I do so. I kiss her back, and put a little force behind it, too. I don't go for tongues or anything, but I kiss my neice as I would a woman. When I open my eyes, I see that she's got her eyes closed, and is noodly limp in my arms. Sorry, I tell her. I'm sorry. She gives an almost wary smile, and puts her head back on my chest. I caress the "safe-touch" parts of her until the pizza arrives.

Damn, this is a long update. See what happens when I have an entire day to think about events? Back to the story.

I get the pizza without a fuss (not to troll, but I gave a 1 dollar tip on a 18.99 pizza, lulz), and we eat it in front of the TV. Mercifully, the mood is considerably lightened, and she doesn't try to jump on me when we finish. I ask if she wants to go out anywhere, but she says that she wants to play the Wii. I ask if she's sure, because I'll start washing her clothes if she's not going out. She says that's fine, so I get her stuff and take it to the laundry room. After I've thrown her stuff in the washer, my niece comes down and starts to take off her undershirt. "Don't forget this too, [Uncle]," as she shows me her delicious flat chest again. I ask her what about those, and point at her panties. She hesitates for just a second, and starts to take them off. I tell her woah woah, I was just kidding. So she stops, but then she smiles at me and start to take them down again. Let me get you something else to wear first, I say, and look around the laundry room for something for her to wear. Nothing catches my eye, except, of course, for the now-naked loli in the room. Both her undershirt and panties were now in the wash, so there was no going back. Let me get one of my bigger t-shirts for you, I say, and start to head back up to my bedroom. "Carry me," she asks, her voice cracking a little. She puts her arms up at me. I pick her up, her arms around my neck, and my forearm in direct contact with her bare ass. I carry her upstairs and put her down on my bed. Raep was imminent. This was a sore trial for me. I passed.

I put a T-shirt over her head while thinking of the worst guro and cat stomping threads I could. I could tell she was checking out my 20 boners through my pants, but I didn't say anything, and niether did she. I head to the computer room, and tell her that she should go play the Wii, because I was going to need some privacy, myself. Suffice it to say that it didn't take much to squeeze one out, and I had enough sense to make sure my niece wasn't watching. When I went back downstairs, my niece had just started playing guitar hero. She looked a little sad, or maybe disappointed, but she handed me the axe and asked "All done now?" I just nodded sheepishly and sat down next to her.

We did some dragonforce, and after that some SSBB, and after that I helped her with some homework she had in math, and then it was bathtime. When I mentioned bath, she immediately stood up, pulled the T-shirt over her head, and threw it to me before strutting away naked. I tell you, she tried to rotate her hips (which she didn't have) during the walk. After she gets her bath, I give her a clean T-shirt (her clothes are in the dryer or hanging up to dry at this point) and say she should go to bed. Without even a seconds hesitation, she walks nonchalauntly into my bedroom. I tell her the guest room is the other way, but she jumps under the covers and refuses to come out. "I want to sleep with you," she says. Honestly, I don't remember my response, but I'm pretty sure it was "wat". "Please don't stay up late tonight," she says. I tell her I've got work to do tonight, so I have to stay up late. "I can only stay with you for one night," she almost cries. "just sleep with me tonight, just for tonight," she says. I ask why she's acting this way, but all I get is begging. I tell her fine. I get my shower, put on my boxers and T-shirt, and, after I set my alarm clock, I climb into bed with my nine-year-old niece.

After I get into bed, my niece snuggles up next to me. She's warm and soft, so I don't mind, even when she tries to put her leg over mine. When she snakes a hand through my shirt and started to rub my bare chest, though, I told her to knock that off and go to sleep. "I love you, [Uncle]," is her response. I love you too, sweetheart, but we got to get to sleep, I say. I am acutely aware that she's got only a T-shirt on, and it's not too long before her soft body and gentle touches cause twenty flags to go to a little more than half-mast. I lay my arm down so as to block access to my crotch, should any little hands try to find their way there, but she doesn't try for it. At one point I feel her push her lower body against mine, though, and I can feel what is most likely my niece's raw cooch on my leg. It takes a lot of willpower, but I push some bedsheets between us. Now, I tend to toss and turn a lot when I sleep, but since I had my niece on my arm, I couldn't. This, as much as her scent and touches, was causing a bad case of blasphemy/madness for me. So much so, that it was tough getting to sleep even after my niece's breathing became slow and steady. But that's what I did.

Anticlimax is bad theater, so I'll sum up the next day by saying that we woke up sort of intertwined, and she was very, very happy. I fed her breakfast, took her to school, and went to work. My brother's wife picked her up after school, and that's that for this update. I think I failed, quite badly, to lay down some lines this time.

Part 9 - 06/04/08
Uncle Anon, back again for moar updates. Apologies in advance; I think this is going to be a boring update for most of you.

While I usually only write about my adventures with my niece, I think it's pertinent for this update that I mention a semi-unrelated event: I went on a date on Tuesday with a co-worker's friend. Basically, my co-worker (female) thinks she's Little Miss Matchmaker, and wanted to "help me out", so she hooked me up with her friend. She told me that her friend had seen me and thought I was cute, so she organized a date for us.

The date itself wasn't particularly interesting, and it was definitely a faildate to boot. We went bowling, had dinner, and had some drinks afterwards. I have to admit, I found the entire event to be a waste of time. The girl was decent-looking (a bit on the chubby side, but no harpoons needed) but I didn't care about getting to know her. I went through the motions, but I honestly didn't pay much attention at all to most of our conversation. You know how when you have to go to a work or family party and you know you're going to bored, but you go anyway because that's what people expect? Yeah, that's how that date went. We just didn't click, I think. She wasn't a gamer, wasn't really motivated or ambitious, and wasn't into my hobbies or interests. Not even the remotest possibility of one boner. I didn't even try for a night of sex with her - I'm pretty sure she figured out I wasn't interested, anyway. Of course, maybe I've just forgotten how to date in the past two years: That's what I tell myself, and not that I'm already infatuated with someone else.

Speaking of someone else, my Bro and his wife (again) didn't ask me to watch my niece this week. So, I gave my bro a call today and BS'd for a while about work, my date, etc. Eventually I asked about how [my niece] was doing. My bro said that she'd been sick the past couple of days. My chest tightened and I felt pins on my fingers, but I'm pretty sure my voice gave away only an appropriate-for-uncle level of concern as I asked for details. Apparently she'd picked up a nasty combination of sore throat, fever and pink eye, and she'd been out of school all week. I asked if there was anything I could bring over or do for her (Them, of course. I meant them. You know, my bro and his family, not just my niece.), but he said I probably shouldn't come over since the crap is highly contagious. He said his wife was taking off work to nurse her back to health, so he'd probably need me to watch her for a few days next week due to schedule shifts. I told him that I wasn't scared of no pinkeye, and if he needed me to watch her, I could come by his place after work anytime. He thanked me and said he might actually take me up on that for Friday, but he'd let me know.

So there you have it, /b/. A bad date and no niece makes for a pretty sucky update. Sorry in advance to anyone hoping for an update that would cause between 15 and 20 boners.

Part 10 - 06/06/08
Uncle Anon here, reporting from a laptop at my brother's house. I've spent a solid ten minutes in shock, followed by typing like a madman for an hour to get this update out by 22:00, so please ignore any grevious grammar/spelling errors. Also, pic is first GIS result for "loli" - no pics on the laptop.

I've spent most of today taking care of my sick niece; she had a bad viral infection that gave her pinkeye, a sore throat and a fever. Her mom took off work to take care of her, but she's been sick for several days, so when I heard she was sick, I volunteered to help. I wanted to be with my niece when she wasn't feeling well; well, actually, I think I just wanted to be with my niece, period.

After work (around 15:20 /b/time) I drove to my brother's place. When arrived, my niece didn't seem too sick - she was sitting on the sofa in her pajamas watching tv. It was hot today, though, and even though the house was warm, she had a blanket. When she saw me walk in, though, her eyes lit up like it was christmas. "[Uncle]! [Uncle]'s here!" She said happily. She held up her arms for a hug, so I gave her one. "You came to visit me," she said as she held me tightly. I wasn't worried in the slightest about getting sick at the time, either - I think I was just happy to see her again. I said that I wanted to make sure my favorite niece was getting better, so I was here to be her medic. I don't think she got the TF2 reference, but she was glad to see me, so she smiled.

I talked briefly with my brother about her condition. He said she's much better today, and is pretty much over it. He said her fever's been down since yesterday, and her eye looks twenty times better than it did. Okay, okay, so he didn't actually say 20x, but I gotta work that number in whenever I can. She was still preciously pathetic-looking though - her left eye was still squinty and somewhat red, she was sniffly and coughing, and her hair was a rat's nest. Combine this with her already slight frame and I wanted nothing more than to hug her till she was better. My brother told me that she still had a bit of a sore throat, and she's been really listless today. He also said that there was chicken noodle in the fridge that her mom made earlier today, and that she should eat that if she gets hungry. Finally, he mentioned that she'd said she want to visit me, even though she was sick. I said that's so cute, and my bro confirmed this. He said that he and his wife were both on second shift (no, they don't work at the same place) so they'd be leaving soon. I confirmed everything I needed to know (including when to expect them back - approximately 24:20 /b/time) and after making sure I knew where everything was (medicine, food, fire extingisher, etc.) they left.

After seeing them off, I came back to talk to my niece. "Are they gone?" she asked. I tell her yep, you're stuck with me now. She gives a sort of pouty face smile and then tells me to come sit with her. I tell her she's contagious, and I don't want her to share with me, but I sit with her anyway. She tries to get on my lap - rather hilariously I might add, since she's so wobbly and uncoordinated - but I give her some "Oi,Oi, what's going on 'ere"'s until she settles for just snuggling up next to me with my arm around her. We watch some cartoons for a while, and I get her tissues and drinks of gatorade. She doesn't feel like talking because of her sore throat, so I ramble to her about various topics and she responds with "mmm's."

I ask if she thinks she could eat something, and she says yes. So I heat up some noodles for her and bring her the food on a tray. She's definitely listless - I almost laugh as I watch her sloowly and mechanically get some broth on the spoon and eat it. Once she's done eating she needs medicine again, so I give her the pills. "My whole body hurts," she says. I point to her tummy and ask if this hurts. "Yes!" Point to her arm. "yes!" Point to her nose. "Yes!" I ask how about your hair? Of course, that hurts too. I pet her hair and tell her it's probably because it's so messy. After a few seconds of petting her like a cat, I stop, but she's not having any of that. "Do that more," she tells me, so I continue. I scratch behind her ears, and rub my fingers along the back of her neck. She definitely likes that, but as I start to run my fingernails lightly over her pajama'd shoulders and back, I realize I'm gray-area'ing again (no boners, but borderline-badtouch), so I get up, despite her protests, and get us both drinks. After she sips on her gatorade for a while, she lays down across my lap. "rub my back some more," she says. I try to think of a good way to turn this into the "what uncles and nieces OUGHT TO do, not what we're doing" speech, but I draw a blank. So I scratch her back, which eventually leads to a sort of psudo-massage that lasts for half an hour, interrupted only by her needing tissues.

By the time I stop, she's super relaxed. She sits up off my lap and stretches, then snuggles back up against me. She leans up toward me, her eyes half-shut. "Let's kiss," she says in a whisper. Well - she's pretty obviously got the wrong idea about us. And by us, I mean the niece/uncle relationship that is steadily, to use a term from anon, crossing into red-area. I tell her I can't, cuz I'll get her cooties. "You'll get my what?" she asks quickly, looking up at me. Cooties, I tell her, cooties. Your germs. "Oh," she says. She looks tired. Besides, I say - except I can't follow it up with any words; I just stroke her hair.

One thing my brother had asked me to do was get her a bath before she went to sleep again, since she hadn't had one in a couple days. Now, even though the sun has just started to go down, it seemed like a good time to see if she wanted to soak in some warm water, so I asked if she was ready for bath. She nodded, so I asked her to wait a sec and I'd draw some water for her. I started filling the tub (taking care that the water was correct temperature; don't want a scalded or frozen niece) and got her towel and stuff ready. When I come back to the sofa, she's under the blanket. I ask if she's cold, and she nods - slyly. I don't catch it until I move the blanket; of course, she's nekkid under there. She giggles and puts her arms out for me to carry her. Never one to say no to holding a nekkid loli in my arms, I pick her up. "I love you, [Uncle]," she says.

I carry her to the bathroom, but she doesn't want to get down. "Put me in the tub," she says. I say okay, but let me know if the water's too hot. I kneel beside the tub and slowly immerse my niece in the warm water. 20 boners have been thinking about popping for a while now, but thus far have been suppressed. I tell her that if she needs anything to yell for me, but she has something else in mind. "Don't go," she says. "I need you to wash me." If I'd have been sitting closer to the tub, my niece would have heard a thump of something hitting the front of the tub. She then would have heard nineteen similar thumps.

I can't wash you, I say. Guys my age get in loads of trouble for scrubbing down girls your age. "But I'm too sick," here she coughs convincingly, "you have to help me, just this time," she says. When I don't react immediately, she whispers "I won't tell, you know," and then coughs again. "Please, I love you, please wash me," she says. All the good excuses for why I shouldn't/can't wash her dissappear from my dialogue options. Alright, I say. JUST this once, though. She smiles the just-got-my-way smile and scoots to the back of the tub. "Okay, get in," she says. Naw dude. Naw. I tell her I'll be washing her from outside the tub, thank you. She doesn't seem particularly surprised by this answer, but she whines anyway. Ignoring her plaintive fussing and determined to first do no harm as my niece's medic, I get the shampoo and tell her to turn around so I can wash her hair. She complies.

It's been a long time since I washed someone else's hair, so I did the best I could and was careful to keep the bubbles out of her eyes. I was actually rather impressed with how much shampoo it took to wash her long hair - I had to go back to the bottle once to get more lather. After I rinse and condition her hair, I reluctantly pick up her loofa. I tell her to close her eyes and gently wash her face. Rinse. I run the loofa around her neck and shoulders. Figuring back is safer than front, I have her stand up facing away from me. I wash her back ("Ahh, that's so much better than when I wash my own back, [Uncle]" she says) and arms. Once I finish, she turns around and presents the front for washing. 20 boners report to my brain that they're already givin' her all she's got captain, as I rub the loofa along her sides, under her arms, and, yes, on her delicious flat chest and equally flat tummy. She giggles and sighs contently as I wash her. She sits back down in the water as I rinse the loofa. I can't do this, I tell myself. She's my niece. She's going to hate me. I've got to stop.

I think you can do the rest yourself, I say, and proffer the loofa to her. She looks at the loofa in my hand like I just offered her a shit sandwich. "No! I'm too sick, you have to wash ALL of me," she says, crossing her arms and sinking down in the tub as far away from the offending loofa as she can get. I tell her I can't. "Why not?" she asks. Because the next parts I have to wash are your - private ones, honey, I say. "I don't care, you can wash them," she says. My head is spinning at this point. Sweetheart, I love you, but you just gotta wash yourself down there, I say. I know you're feeling sick, but just do the best you can, okay? At this point, she looks like she's going to cry. "But I love you, too," she says. I know. It's complicated, I tell her. We'll talk about it after the bath if you want to. I tell her I'll stay in the room until she's done, and if she needs anything I'll help her. She sniffles, picks the loofa out of the water where it fell, and starts soaping it up. I sit down on the floor and lean my back against the tub.

I hear bubbles and sniffling as my niece washes herself behind me. "Okay, I washed my cooch and my butthole," she said. Boners, 20 of them. "wash my legs now, okay?" Do your legs, and I'll wash your feet, I say. Angry silence and scrubbing for a minute or so. "Okay, ready," she says, and puts one of her feet on the edge of the tub. Now, ever since I watched Pulp Fiction with an ex, I've known how to give foot massages. So, without really thinking about it, I soap'd up her foot and started to massage - thumb slowly working its way up the instep, light pinch and rub on big toe, then each little one, circular pressure on the ball and heel, etc. After a minute or two I hear an "Ahn!" from my niece, realize what I'm doing, and rinse. "Do the other one just the same," she instructs, so I do. I found my gaze, when not directed at her foot, wandering up her body to, well, yeah, her crotch, but also her bemused face - she seemed somewhat distracted, but utterly content.

After that, we drained the tub, I rinsed her off, and wrapped her up in a towel. As she seems to forget how to walk whenever I'm around, I then carried her to her bedroom and got her clean pajamas ready for her. Quickly shutting down any attempts to get me to dress her, I went back to the bathroom to - well, hide for a few seconds, but also get her hairbrush and drier. Thankfully, by the time I got back, she was dressed. I sat behind her on her bed and brushed and dried her hair. When we finished, she leaned back against me. "Are you staying all night?" she asked. Naw, I'm heading home once your mom and dad get home, I say. I hugged my arms around her, and she smiled up at me. "Kiss?" she asked. I shook my head no, but I was actually really happy. I told her I love her, and that I love spending time with her, but we probably ought to set some rules about what we can do together. "Oh, maybe later, I'm tired right now," she said. Okay. Later, I say. I tuck her into bed and give her her eyedrops. After that, I went to my bag, took out my laptop, and stared at the screen. Eventually I started typing, and I almost made the 22:00 deadline. And now we're up to present.

Part 11 - 06/11/08
Now is ze time on "Sprockets" vhen ve get an update from Uncle Anon.

I've got her for a couple days in a row again, /b/. This is going to be a short update, because I'm going to sleep with her again tonight. Yeah, I know, it's a bad idea to set myself up like this, but I would be lying if I said I didn't like having her in my bed. Stereotypes be damned, I'm going to keep it clean and enjoy the closeness I have with my niece right now.

Short, short summary of what's been happening: I got a call on Tuesday from my Bro, said he needed me to watch his daughter on Wednesday and Thursday. He seemed reluctant, but he said he had no choice since his wife had taken off several days last week, so I get to keep her for a bit. He asked, though, that I take her to our mom's to swim after school. I believe the way he put it was "it'd be a good idea if you could take her up to mom's place..." so I'm not sure I have anything to worry about, as far as him thinking there's funny business going on.

I picked up my niece from school, and she's bubbling over as she gets in my car. "[Uncle]! I was waiting for you all day," she says. I get a kiss on the cheek, and then, after she looks around to make sure no-one is watching, I get another, longer kiss on the mouth. I tell her thanks, and she she giggles. I explain that we're visiting grandma, and she rolls her eyes and slouches back in her seat.

TYPING AT RAMMING SPEED - I told her I'd come lay down with her in about 15 minutes, and that was ten minutes ago. So we get to my mom's. Commence usual family stuff - swimming, food, talk, and card games. We swim, she doesn't leave me alone for a second the whole time (Throw me! Catch me! Race me! Put me up on your shoulders!) I put her on my shoulders a couple of times, but every time I do, she grinds her crotch on the back of my neck. I know she's doing it on purpose, so when mom's in the other end of the pool I ask EEEY WHATCHU DOIN THAR. She gives a little laugh and hugs my head before REALLY grinding on me. We're talking hip gyrations. I tell her alright that does it and chuck her off.

Once we're done at mom's, I take her home to my place. As soon as we're in the door, she strips out of the clothes she put on after swimming and marches around my place in her now-usual uncle attire: white undershirt, white panties. We play some Wii (SSMB) but she tires of this quickly, and straddles me before starting with the hugs and kisses. After some kissy kissy I get her to calm down again by rubbing her back and shoulders. So she's sitting on my lap, arms around me, my hands rubbing her back, face on my chest, and she says, quite casually, "Let's get married, [Uncle]." Aww. That's sweet, I tell her, but you're a little young for that. She sits up, looking at me with darkened eyes. "I'm not just a kid, okay? I'm not stupid," she says. "I know you can't get married till you're older. So lets just be pretend married until then, 'kay?" I say that I'm really flattered, but I'm sure you'll change your mind once you find a guy you really like. She doesn't say anything for a second, and her head's on my chest, so I can't see her face. "I already found a guy I really like," she says.

Damn, taking too long. Quick sum up: I tell her most girls her age aren't ready to make serious decisions like these. She says she is. I say she shouldn't worry about that sort of thing because I'll always love her and support her, no matter what. She says she loves me so much and gets kissy again. After that, some nekkid stuff happens when she gets her bath, and she asks if I like her boobs. 20 Boners happen sometime around these two points. There's also some hair washing and back scrubbing. She wants a foot wash, but settles for a foot rub before we go to sleep tonight. I'll finish this update tomorrow or later tonight if I can sneak out of bed - Give me an hour or so, but no promises. Also, yeah, I shouldn't let her dictate when I go to bed. However, the prospect of snuggles, smooth skin and feeling her heart beat all night long is reward enough to get me to go early. Expect an update tomorrow - I'll try to get something typed up if I have time at work - not likely, but possible. Otherwise, maybe short update tomorrow too.

(After a short while, Uncle Anon comes back to /b/ for an update.)

So I got her to sleep. She had PJs, but she refused to wear them; she had to wear one of my tee-shirts instead. At least she had panties this time. During the foot massage she'd pull her shirt up so that were I to look up, BAM, loli crotch. 20 boners did occur, but it was mostly her cooing and OMYGOD'ing while I rubbed her feet that did it.

Also, yeah, she made the goodnight kiss last for about a minute. Every time I'd try to break it, she'd keep it going. This also 20 boner'd me. I swear she's getting better at kissing, and it's my fault. But I can't stop it.

At least I didn't sex her up tonight. After her sweet I love yous as she drowsed off and her gentle clinging to me (which, you /b/astards better appreciate, was damn difficult to climb out of), it was sorely tempting. I'll stay and chat for a little bit, then I'm back to bed.

Also, for peat's sake, this is not a bel-air. It's the power of pine-sol, baby.

No, not really.

Part 12 - 06/12/08
No Uncle Anon time tonight, guys. My niece was awake when I went back to bed last night, and while she didn't cry or pout, she seemed genuinely upset that I left her alone there without saying anything. I'm not going to do that again tonight, and there's just no time for a proper update. I'll schedule one for tomorrow at the usual time.

Fast recap on today's activities: Niece wanted to help make breakfast, and even though we didn't have a lot of time in the morning, I had niece-made scrambled eggs. Today's her last day of school. She had interesting stories for me when I picked her up. I didn't trust myself with her the whole day again, so I took her up to Mom's to swim again, except she was visiting her old bitty friends, so it was just us two in the pool again. After a short grace period of non-gray-area activity, kisses, partial skinny dipping, and boners occur. When I get her to put her top back on, she says that she likes being nekkid with me.

We get home, she helps me make dinner (bacon club sandwiches and fried potatoes). After dinner we try to watch some TV, but she ends up ignoring the show and gets really affectionate. I shoo her off my lap after she notices and laughingly refers to my 20 boners as "nice". After that she watches some porn, gets her bath (yeah, I help again) then drops towel in my bedroom before climbing into my bed butt nekkid. She asks that I don't leave her tonight. I ask WOULD SHE KINDLY put on some pjs and undies.

Some other stuff happened too, of course, but those are the highlights. Sorry for no details nor my usual narrative style - I'll try to narrate the events in a future update. I just don't have time tonight, because I might not get to snuggle with my niece until next week, and I'm not passing this up. Oddly, she actually behaves herself more in bed than anywhere else.

Part 13 6/18/08
I haven’t had much time for /b/ lately, which means I haven’t had much time to write, either. It seems just as well – there’s too much wordfilter nonsense going on for me to write anything intelligible, and I don’t really feel like writing, anyway.

This is no­t going to be brief. I’m feeling wordy since I don’t actually have my niece tonight, though most of what I’m going to write about happened last week. Last week was pretty much the culmination of everything that’s happened in the past few months. I came frighteningly close to using my 20 boners, and then, a couple days later, I got a visit from my brother, who was concerned about his daughter. Yeah. That. Well, I guess I’ll start with the good times and then transition to the bad

Last you gu­ys heard, I was getting in bed again with my niece last Thursday. No­thing special anymore, right? I sleep with her all the time now. Well, yeah, except no, this time was different. Because I just gave you gu­ys a fast update and didn’t stick around last week, I was actually ready for bed before my niece this time. She was just finishing her shower when I got to my bedroom. Since my bedroom gets a little warm, we usually just sleep under the sheets, no­t the blanket. I was just folding it back when my niece walks into my bedroom with her towel wrapped around her. Just like the night before, she says “Hey [Uncle]! Look at me,” before dropping the towel and then jumping onto the bed, nekkid. While I’m protesting that she needs to get her pjs on, she rolls over to my side of the bed, lays back on my pillow (arms over her head) and spread eagles. Yeah, I look. Counting myself, there were 21 interested parties in the room at that point. I tell her that’s very nice, but that isn’t a very lady-like pose. Her laughter has a seductive edge to it that I always assumed took girls many ye­ars to practice. “You like it?” she asks, her eyes shining at me in the dim light.

As I flip the covers over her, I say that yes, you have a very nice cooch, but you really shouldn’t show that to anybody. At least, you shouldn’t show them that way, unless you want to go all the way with them. She’s smiling up at me, and pats the bed next to her. As I sit down, she giggles, and scoots next to me. “Why do you think I showed you,” she whispers, and she goes in for a kiss. I can’t really say anything, since I’ve got a loli mouth on mine, but I resolve to say something appropriate at the first opportunity. Unfortunately, she only breaks the kiss to look down at her hand grabbing at my 20 boners through my boxers. “Ohh, it’s hard,” she says. Hey, no naughty touches, I say as I grab her hand and pull it away. Instantly, her other hand starts to stroke the 20 beasts. I grab both her arms and pin her on the bed. She doesn’t really struggle, and she seems to be enjoying herself, judging by her smile. “It’s hard, let me see it!” she says, and tries to work her (nekkid) lower body out of covers. I pull her up to where she’s looking at me eye to eye, and tell her that she just can’t be grabbing my package if she wants to sleep with me. I say we’re sleeping together; we’re no­t actually, well, SLEEPING together, get it? You’re my niece, and you’re nine. I let her go of her arms at this point, because she’s no­t smiling anymore. She puts her arms around herself, covering her nips, and looks down to avoid eye contact. “So you don’t wanna have sex?” she asks.

Let me stop here and explain something to you, /b/. Have you ever heard a nine ye­ar old talk about having sex? Have you ever heard a nine ye­ar old talk about having sex while sitting naked, inches from you, in your bed with you? It’s like you have the t­wo little gu­ys standing on your shoulders, and they’re both the devil, and they’re both telling you to just do it. I looked at my niece and I saw t­wo people: I saw the seductive young girl who kisses me on the mouth, grabs my boners, and isn’t afraid to show me her aggressive side that she has to hide around most people. I also saw the vulnerable little girl that grew up from the baby that my brother let me hold when she was less than a month old. I see her tiny, ever-so-easily-breakable body, covered in beautiful smooth skin, and her still wet and messy brown hair that covers her face and shoulders. Here and now, I could make a decision that alters our lives. I could tell her that she’s wrong, and I do want to have sex with her. Except once I choose to follow my base instincts and I take her, then what we are, and what I am, changes forever. No matter what happens after that – no matter how she ends up, no matter whether anyone finds out – in the end, I die a monster. I look up at her, and stoke her hair.

You know I love you more than anything, I say, moving closer to her. She leans against me as I put my arm around her. You’re too grown up for your own good, kid, I say. You know what you want right now, but I’m telling you, what you want is going to change. I want you to be happy forever, I say. “I know, I know,” she says, and I think she’s crying, or getting ready to cry. “I want to stay with you,” she says. You can always stay with me, I say. You don’t have to have se… ah, you know, do it with me, to come over and have fun. No­thing has to change with us. “No! You’re going to get a girlfriend! Mom said so; she said you went on a date. I don’t want you to forget about me,” she says. She’s crying now, but suddenly, it clicks: She’s been acting so affectionate because she was afraid of losing me. No matter how hard I try, I end up hurting her one way or the other. I guess I can’t say I wasn’t warned.

I hold her and run my fingers through her just-starting-to-air-dry hair. Even if I got a girlfriend, a girlfriend would never replace my only niece, I say. You have a special place in my heart, and I’d never forget you, and I definitely would never stop you from visiting me. I’m always excited to have you come visit. I told you – I love you, I say. She wants a kiss, so I lean down and give her one. “I don’t want you to get a girlfriend,” she says. “We’re mar­ried, remember,” she adds. Without really thinking about it, I say that even if she was old enough, I don’t think we could get mar­ried because we’re related. This really starts her crying. I say but it’s no­t a problem, because we can see each other all the time – it’s just the law that says we can’t, well, get mar­ried. “I love you. And you love me, right?” I nod. “So why can’t we? Why is there that law?” I can’t explain.

Eventually she calms down, and I brush her hair. She sits on my lap, and even though she’s naked, the 20 boners remain dormant. “Can we sleep together naked?” she asks. I don’t know, you think your friends sleep naked with their uncles, I ask. She titters quietly before admitting, “no, probably no­t.” Then it’s pajamas and underpants for us, I say. When I’m finished brushing her hair, she turns around and looks at me seriously. “Is my body… okay?” she asks. I look confused, apparently. “I mean, my boobies and my, ya know, cooch. They’re no­t… bad, are they?” Sweetie, you have the hottest bod of any nine ye­ar old I’ve ever seen, I tell her. She purrs under the compliment, and gives me a kiss. “I’m glad you like them,” she says, as I put her pjs on her.

I tell her as long as she keeps her hands to herself, she can sleep with me. She naturally agrees. So, we snuggle up go to sleep.

Fast forward to Monday afternoon. My brother drops by my place after work, and we chat for a while. In a lull in the conversation, my brother asks me what I think about his daughter. I say I think she’s a great kid, and I like being with her. “That’s great, and all, but, ah, what’s this I hear about you kissing her. Ya know. On the lips.” My whole body goes into 100% poker mode. I say that yeah, she’s been doing that lately. I’ve been telling her it’s no­t really uncle-niece appropriate, but she keeps it up, you know. “Yeah, well, I thought it was kinda strange. [My wife] said that she’d seen you t­wo mouth kissing, and well, it kinda scared her since [niece] spends so much time over here.” Yeah, I can see that, I say.

My brother leans toward me. He looks almost desperate. “Dude, just tell me: you’re no­t doing anything with her, are you? You’re my goddamn brother, you wouldn’t do that, would you?” No, I say, abso-fuck­ing-lutely no­t, bro. I love her way too much to hurt her. I mean, yeah, she likes to give me kisses and shit, but it’s just infatuation, I say. “She told [my wife] that she loves you,” he says quietly. I sigh and lean back in the chair. Yeah, I kinda expected that, I say. She’s always excited to come over, and I really love her, myself. As an uncle, of course. So yeah, I’m no­t surprised that she’d say something like that. But Jesus Christ, dude, she’s only nine, and she’s your daughter. I’m no­t going to go there, you know?

My brother lets out his breath and leans back. “Yeah, I didn’t think so either, but I had to be sure. [Niece] has been spending so much time over here that… well, and you hear about on the news all the time, this kind of shit, so…” he stops and looks at me. “Fuck, dude, I’m so fuck­ing sorry for even bringing this up. Look, just tell me there’s no funny business and I’ll tell [my wife] she doesn’t have to fuck­ing worry about you. I know that [niece] loves to spend time over here, and since she’s out for the summer she’s going to need someplace to stay when we’re at work. I just… you’re no­t bullshitting me, right? You wouldn’t touch my little girl would you?”

Fuck, dude, I would never touch her wrong, I say. You know how she is; she’s smart. She’d tell you if I did wrong, wouldn’t she? I mean, (and here, I felt a chill run up my spine) just ask her if I ever touched her wrong.

My brother doesn’t say anything for a minute. Then he stands up and nods. “I trust you, bro. I know my kid loves you, I just had to hear it from your side. I’ll talk to [my wife]. We’ll probably call you to watch [niece] later this week. I think mom’s going to babysit for us, too, but don’t worry. I don’t want this shit to come between us, and [niece] would kill me if I didn’t let her come over,” he says. "Just... no more mouth kissing, ya know? She doesn't know where that mouth's been, but I do."

So there we are. I haven’t heard back from them yet, but that is my story thus far. Sorry for the long read, but it’s been a while, and I wanted to make up for the last t­wo updates.

Part 14 - 06/25/08
Good evening, /b/. Uncle Anon here.

Well, I’m n­ot in jail, so I consider that a plus. On the other hand, it’s getting to where I’m starting to feel quite ronery without my niece coming to visit, and it seems my niece feels the same way. So, I’ve taken a dangerously proactive approach to this situation: I’m now going out of my way to visit her, and unfortunately things aren’t really staying as grey-area as they should. Logically I realize that this isn’t going to end well, but I can’t help it – she is precious to me, and I’ve been dreaming about her a lot lately.

Last week I got a phone call from my niece. I’m n­ot exaggerating when I say I was really glad to hear her voice. She said that she was up at my Mom’s, and that she wanted to see me. “Can you come up to grandma’s? I miss you lots,” she said. Now, it’d only been about a week, yeah, but I knew exactly what she meant. I said I’d be right over.

I pulled in the driveway and my niece came out to meet me with a tackle-hug and (after glancing around in a deliciously cute manner) a quick peck on the lips. “Grandma’s getting ready to swim,” she explained, her eyes shining up at me. “Carry me inside,” she said, and put her arms up. Rather than the usual carrying that she’s come to expect, I heft her up on my shoulders, and in we go. My mom is somewhat surprised to see me, but she seems glad that I’ve come to visit. She tells us both to get changed if we’re going to swim, and then heads out to the water.

After navigating the stairs up to the changing room/guest bedroom, I body-drop my niece on the bed and toss her her swimsuit. “Let’s change together,” she says quickly, and starts stripping down. So there I am, swimsuit in my hand, 20 boners-to-be thinking about popping, and my niece complaining that I’ve seen her naked, so it’s no big deal if she sees me. So, I start stripping, slowly. I figure if I’m slow enough she’ll be finished and I can unleash the 20 furies in privacy. No dice. She’s JUST getting her top on when I’m down to my boxers. I look over and see my niece in rapt attention, awaiting the spectacle to come. No boners are flying at this point: I’m actually nervous about showing my niece my cock. It’s just – n­ot something I should do, I decide. I decide to try for the door, but my niece blocks me. “Don’t go! Where are you going? You haven’t changed yet,” she says, looking at my crotch. Yeah, I was thinking about changing in the bathroom, maybe, I say. “Just change here; come on, Grandma said to hurry up, you know,” she says. I know it’s bad and wrong and immoral and vannable, but I turn around and drop my boxers, effectively mooning my niece, before quickly whipping my swimsuit on. When I turn around, my niece is on the ground behind me, looking up. “I saw ‘em,” she says. I smack her butt and send her downstairs.

We swim for a while and play some usual swimming games. We actually swim until dark, and then play some card games with mom. Eventually Mom decides to get her shower, so my niece and I watch some TV. Naturally, she snuggles up and sneak-kisses whenever the opportunity presents itself. It’s past eleven when I decide to head for home. “Take me with you,” my niece asks. I shake my head. You know I can’t, I say. My niece nods sadly, and gives me several goodbye kisses.

Tuesday: My Bro calls me at work on my cell (I was on lunch, so it wasn’t a problem.) He surprises me when he asks if I can come over after work and watch niece for a few hours. Apparently Mom’s watching her right now, but she wanted to go early so she could visit a friend who’s in town. I say of course I can watch her, no problem. My brother thanks me and hangs up. Quite absent from our conversation was any mention of potential impropriety between myself and his daughter. After he hangs up, I briefly consider the possibility that it might be a trap, and that he’s going to kill me. I figure if he is, well, I guess that’s the end of my story. Besides, a little danger never stopped those gu­ys who visit supposed lolis at Chris Hansen’s house, so why should it deter me?

After work, I show up at my brother’s place. After n­ot experiencing death most gruesome in a hail of lead, I say hello to my Mom. She’s playing cards with my niece, who, of course, goes for the tackle-hug when she sees me. Mom says my Bro’s wife will be back in about three hours, and thanks so much for watching [Niece] for her. I tell her no problem, it’s my pleasure. I don’t put enough emphasis on the word ‘pleasure’ to raise my Mom’s eyebrows. We see Mom out to the driveway, and then head back inside, alone together.

The first thing I n­otice is that my niece is looking shifty. She goes in the kitchen to get drinks for us, so I sit down on the sofa and open up my laptop. Honestly, I didn’t expect to have much time to use it, since my niece is rather high-maintenance, attention-wise. Sure enough, as soon as she gets back from the kitchen, she pounces on my lap, forcing the laptop out of my hands and onto coffee table. “Whatcha doing?” she asks. “Mom’s n­ot gonna be back for while, ya know.” Straddling me, my niece plants a serious, powerful kiss on my lips. We’re talking tw­o-hands on my face, with lower-lip sucking and giggling at the end. The beast with 20 boners stirs. I tell her thank you for that, but your Dad said we really shouldn’t be mouth-kissing. Rather, that’s what I would have said, but she cut me off about halfway through with an­other kiss (albeit a shorter one). “Rub my back, like you did before,” she whispers, and lays down against my chest. I’m rapidly bonering up to my niece’s sweet touches, but I obey. My hands massage her tiny back, rubbing her softly in circular motions and being careful n­ot to apply pressure to her spine. When I get to the small of her back, she sighs. “Lower, please,” she says.

I try to massage a bit lower without red-zoning, but any lower means my hands are on her loli butt. “Just a little lower,” she says, as my hands reach the elastic of her silky shorts. I stop and look and her, but she just smiles and puts her head back on my shoulder. “What? It feels really good, and you need to go a little lower. Don’t stop,” she says. I give a harrumph of n­ot being fooled, but I rub her butt anyway. Since it’s n­ot really a great position to rub her (she’s still straddling me) I can’t do much, so I give her cheeks a brief groping and continue up her back.

My hands start to get tired, so I tell her that’s it. She’s noodlely in my lap from the massage. She puts her arms around my neck and squirms on me a bit, bumping the 20 boners. She smiles, looking up. “Want to go to my room?” she asks. “Come on, let’s go,” she says, bouncing on my lap a little. And just what are we going to do in your room, I ask. Her smile, kisses, and lap-bouncing tell me everything I need to know about her intentions. The 20 boners each gave a metaphorical thumbs up. The tw­o gu­ys on each of my shoulders say go for it. Sadly, I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to pick her up and carry her into her bedroom, and do with her the things that her Mom already suspects me of doing. I mean, it was close this time; I had my arms around her, muscles tensed to pick her up and everything. Instead, though, I settle down, and go into responsible Uncle mode. I told you that kind of thing isn’t important to me, I say. You, [my niece], are the most important thing to me, and, this might n­ot make sense to you, but I really love you too much to do that sort of thing with you. Anything we’d do would hurt you. I mean it’d really hurt; n­ot just after we do it, but later, when you’re older, too.

I try to think of something else to say, and a moment of silence passes. My niece, who had been flattened against me, head on my shoulder, sat up and faced me. “Like I was going to do anything with you, anyway, [Uncle]. God, who’d want to do it with some gu­y who… someone like… like, a dirty old…” She accents every other word with gentle hits on my chest. A dirty old gu­y like me? I ask, and give her a kiss. She glares at me angrily for a moment, and then puts her head back on my shoulder. I’m sorry, I tell her. I know you’re, well, curious, and I promise I’ll tell you anything you want to know – but I can’t show it to you. Besides, when you’re really ready, I know you’ll make the right decision about this sort of thing. My niece sniffs a bit, and I trace my fingers up her back again. “[Uncle], you ass,” she says quietly. I hug her, and tell her sorry again.

After a brief pout session, my niece changes gears. “You’re gonna come to my birthday party, right?” she asks. (Her birthday is in a couple weeks.) Yeah, of course, I say, lightly scratching behind her ears and running my fingers through her long dark hair. It’s your tenth birthday; you think I’d miss that? She sits up again, arms still around my neck, and her eyes almost level with mine. “So, what’s my present,” she asks. That’s… a secret, of course, I say. She squirms again in my lap – actually, it’s more like grinding. “Is it gonna be special,” she asks. We’ll just have to see, I say, and give her a quick kiss on the nose. She huffs and points at her mouth. I will say this: she knows what she wants.

After that, we snuggled together and watched TV for a while. About an hour before her mom was supposed to show up, I insist that she stop the naughty business. While she was on my lap, she was actually starting to get a flushed. She wasn’t happy with the situation (“I hardly ever get to see you now! Let’s play some more. Just a few more minutes,” etc.) but I convinced her to just play some Monopoly instead until Mom got home. During the game my niece suggested that, if she had her own cell-phone, she could call me all the time. I said yep, I bet you could, IF you had your own cell-phone. She gave me a sour look and made sure I paid her for landing on the three houses on one of her green squares. She was actually winning (we play cut-throat rules too) when her mom walked in, took one look at me, and gave me the evil eye of doom. Well, it was pretty clear that Bro’s wife double-hated me now, but she was generally polite as she thanked me for watching her VERY IMPORTANT little girl, and, since she has now returned, that I should now GTFO. I was very careful about giving a short, safe hug and a quick kiss on the cheek to my niece to say goodbye.

And so this update comes to an end. To the crowd who says I’m doing just as much damage as if I’d just sex her up – yeah, maybe. Also, to the crowd who says I should lay down more rules – yeah, but I don’t see a concrete list of “Can Do / Can’t Do”s being made anytime soon. This past week I’ve been feeling a bit different: I have a hunger to be with her that wasn’t there before; or, if it was, the desire wasn’t so strong. I find myself more often thinking dangerous thoughts – fantasizing dangerous fantasies. If I were any less human, I’d think my endless willpower might be crumbling. And this scares me more than anything – more than Bro’s wife being suspicious; more than being v&: I’m afraid of becoming a monster. My niece is just so soft and so sweet, and she has n­othing but endless, unconditional affection for me. I don’t want to corrupt that – well, any worse than I already have. The fact that I can’t see her regularly, I think, is what’s driving me to the edge.

Part 15 7/2/08


Hello from Uncle Anon. WARNING. This update is tl;dr, and might very well be the last. At least, the last long one.

I’ve had a pretty bad week, /b/. It’s totally my own fault, of course; I’ve let things too far with my niece, and now I’m paying the price. No, I’m n­ot v&, or b& from seeing her, but I’ve made some astoundingly stupid decisions that sounded good at the time (probably because I’ve been in a state of 20 perma-boners for so long), and it’s really caused a lot of chaos and heartache for me. A couple decisions in particular are sure to come back and bite me in the ass. Oh well.

To begin, I took what was said at last week’s update to heart: what I’m doing with my niece is just unacceptable. I’m n­ot exactly leading her on, but I’m certainly troubling her, emotionally, with the kisses and sheer amount of physical contact I’m giving her. However, I can’t help myself when I’m around her. Call it what you will, but I simply feel the need to hold her whenever I can. Oh, and it bears repeating that these desires don’t translate to wanting to grab random lolis elsewhere. I honestly pay very little attention to other girls around my niece’s age; it’s all about her. The problem, though, is that I don’t know for sure that I can restrain myself anymore. This last time was too close. So I made up my mind afterward that I would get a girlfriend, treat my niece more niece-like, and try to salvage what small amount of normalcy might be possible from our relationship.

On Friday, I asked out one of my co-workers. She’s n­ot the girl I mentioned earlier – the one who tried to hook me up with her friend – but she’s made it pretty obvious that she thought I was cute. I never made a move on her because a.) She’s kind of boring – she talks about her cat constantly, given the chance, b.) She’s n­ot that easy on the eyes. N­ot fat, n­ot ugly, but just a total galactic average. I wouldn’t really call her cute, either. And, of course, c.) She worked at the same place I do, so if we didn’t work out, there would be awkwardness. Nevertheless, I invited her out for drinks. She was surprised, but she seemed ready to accept until she remembered that her sister’s family was coming over tonight. She said that she couldn’t that night, but Saturday would be fine. I told her that’d be great, pick you up at eight, etc. etc. I’m n­ot real happy with these memories, so I’m going to try to be as brief as possible while still giving you the details.

After I picked her up, we drove to one of classier establishments I used to frequent a few yea­rs ago, when I was with my previous girlfriend. We chatted about work, talked about her folks, and after a couple of drinks, we got to the flirty talk. She was definitely starting to get buzzed after three drinks, but I wasn’t feeling anything – due to chronic whisky consumption, my liver is more fierce than a coked-up Mike Tyson, and it easily defeated the drinks I sent down to it. One thing that she had talked about earlier was her office chair (??? Yeah, I know), so she started complaining about her chair and how it hurts her back, and demonstrated (with ample cleavage-showing off) how no matter how she twists around, she just can’t quite reach the spot that’s giving her trouble. I smoothly offered my skills as a universe-tier masseuse, if she needed someone to ‘work that muscle’ for her. She smiles, laughs, and nods agreement, complete with lip biting. Bingo. A few more drinks and she’s ready to go home.

I ask where she’d like the massage – her place or mine. Well, we end up going back to her place. It’s n­ot a bad little apartment; she’s got a cat, of course, but she keeps it pretty neat. Anyway, she can’t decide where a good place to have a massage would be, so I suggest that she’d be most relaxed on her bed. After she lay down, I positioned her pillows so as to keep her comfortable (I’ve done this sort of thing before, of course). She’s still dressed, but I start the massage anyway. She’s definitely enjoying herself, and it’s n­ot long before I start removing her clothing. No objections. I’d scavenged some baby oil from her cabinet before we got started, so I warmed up some oil in my hands and started lubing her up with it. I massaged her back and neck, unstrapping her bra. I massaged down her butt, thighs, ankles and feet, spending a little more time on the inner thighs than was technically needed. After about ten, maybe fifteen minutes of this, I ask if she wants me to do her front, too. She “mmm”s in agreement, and I help her flip over.

She’s got a nice set of titties – I can’t fault her there. She shaves, too – which is damn nice. I massage some oil into her tummy, sides and shoulders, and then (just to make sure we’re both on the same page), I lean over and give her a kiss. She returns it, so I start with the boob massage. I alternate massaging boobies, running my hands along her legs and thighs, giving her make-out kisses, and even some nip-nibbling. She’s clearly enjoying herself, so after a longer kiss I tell her I want to taste her. She gives me the green light. I go down on her (as an aside, I should mention that I wouldn’t have done so if she was hairy. Sorry ladies, but cavewoman bush is just nasty.), and it’s n­ot long before she’s moaning and contracting in an excellently rhythmic way. I can’t vouch for all gu­ys, but I really get hot from getting girls off. So, after she finishes, I pull out a condom* and wave it at her, giving her the Groucho Marx eyebrows. She’s all for it.


 * By a condom I mean a box of 20 condoms, of course.

Afterwards, as I lay there with her, I completely failed to bask in the afterglow of some great sex. I mean, it wasn’t bad; she was tight, didn’t just lay there like one of my ex’s, and made some noise to let me know I was doing it right. She had no grievances with our romp, and neither did I. Besides, I hadn’t been inside a girl for over t­wo yea­rs, so I shouldn’t complain – sex is sex, right? Yeah. Except it wasn’t with someone who I really cared about, though. It was meaningless. When it comes right down to it, it was just an animal act of release; completely unfulfilling. I found myself thinking of someone else – I think /b/ can guess who – and wishing that I had been with her that night. The more I thought about it, the more incensed I became, both at my own selfish desires for my niece and at my belated using of my nice coworker girl. At that moment, in this girl’s bed at 1 am in the morning, I knew exactly what Tyler Durden was talking about when he said he simply felt like destroying something beautiful. I felt a hollow, directionless hatred well up in me. I looked over at this girl, whom I’d known for over t­wo yea­rs (my girl, if that’s what I wanted), and watched her quietly and happily resting beside me. I wanted to rage like /tg/; to rip and tear like the Doom Gu­y. But instead I shook my head and forced myself to calm down. I needed to quit with the emo bullshit – this is for the best. This is what needs to happen. I need to move on with my life.

Skip cut-scenes to Monday. Co-worker girl (AKA new girlfriend) came over to my place after work, and I made us some dinner (OMGWTFBBQ MAN IN KITCHEN?? Yeah, well, think of me as Bobby Flay). We played the Wii (she seemed mildly amused by it – she’s n­ot a gamer) and we had sex, though n­ot at the same time. She didn’t stay over, though, because she said her cat would miss her. Whatever. My mind badly needed distraction, but instead of trying to Spy during Pyromania in TF2, I gave my brother a call. Looking back, I think I was somehow hoping that my niece would pick up, actually. Anyway, we shoot the shit for a bit, and eventually I shamelessly mention my recent antics with my coworker. My bro hadn’t forgotten what I’d said about her before – that I didn’t think she was someone I was interested in. He asked me why the change of heart. I said no reason; I just like doin’ things like that.

Before we hang up, my bro asks if I could come over again and watch [Niece] tomorrow. Reason dictates that I should say no – I can’t, I’m going to spend time with [GF]. Instead, I’m all SURE! No problem, dude, what time do you need me over there? He asks if I could get there right after work, and watch her till 20:00 (basically four and a half hours). No problem, I say. Oh, and as an aside, apparently either there was no camera set up or they didn’t catch me last time, because my bro didn’t mention anything about kissy-facing or crotch-bouncing lolis. So I agree to watch my niece.

Tuesday cometh. At work, I tell my new GF that I’m watching my brother’s kid tonight, so we’ll have to catch up later. She asks about Wednesday evening. Hah. This sounds stupid, but I said I’d be busy after 22:00 with some internet-related stuff, so that wouldn’t work, either. We settled for dinner at her place on Thursday. When it was Work Completed time, I headed for my brother’s place. As I drove, I felt like a t­wo-timer who was on his way to meet his other girl. Sure, that’s an awful way to think about it – after all, she’s my niece, n­ot my lover. But that’s how I felt.

My niece is waiting for me in the driveway when I pull up (around seven or eight – yo Holmes, smell ya later, etc., etc.). I see bro’s wife’s car, so she must still be here. “[Uncle]! You’re here!” says an angelic voice, and I get tackle-hugged. I use her momentum to give her a spin-around, which she loves, of course, and tells me to do again. I say no repeat performances, and ruffle her hair a little. Naturally, her little arms go up immediately as we start toward the house. “Carry me!” comes the usual request. I’m a little wary, since if she goes to kiss me while her mom’s peeking out the window, it could be trouble, but I had n­othing to worry about – she either expected this or had the same n­otion, because she rubbed her face against mine, but made no effort to kiss me. Inside, her mom’s getting ready to go. She gets her work stuff, says her goodbyes, gives me the evil eye, and leaves.

Once Mom’s out of the way, my niece shifts into Alone-with-Uncle mode. Since we’re both standing, she tries to jump up and throw her arms around me. I catch her, and she wraps her legs around my waist. “I missed you so much, [Uncle],” she says. I say that I’ve missed her too. She smiles and goes for a mouth-kiss. Before she can connect, I turn my head. Somehow, kissing my niece after having kissed my new GF (on more than just her mouth) seemed dirty – like throwing a carpet-M&M back into the bag. My niece looked at me questioningly, so I nuzzled her and gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then one on the forehead. She looks at me at first with surprise, then a sort of aghast, wide-eyed shock. “Wh- Why did you kiss me there? You’re supposed to kiss here,” she says, pointing at her tiny mouth. She tries to kiss me again, more urgently than last time, but I loosen my hold on her and she slides down my body – she’s n­ot tall enough to kiss me without help. She seemed almost frantic. “What’s wrong? I didn’t tell my Mom anything! I love you, [Uncle]! Please don’t turn away; let’s kiss. Let’s go play, okay?” She motions at the sofa, tugging at my hand. Her panic chokes me, and I feel like I’m dying inside. My stomach is in a kn­ot, and I can feel a sharp headache behind my eyes. Resolute, I continue, despite feeling slightly dizzy.

I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I say. I know you liked how we played on the sofa. I really liked it too. (At this point, I can see the fear and pain and what promises to be tears in her eyes.) I do still love you, more than anything. I’ll definitely come to your birthday party, and I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. It’s just that we, ah, need to do stuff more like what other relatives do. That means no naughty stuff, and no long kisses. Little kisses are still okay – but we were kissing a little too much. You’re only nine, sweets, and I’m – well, I’m too old to be giving kisses like those to you. (“No you’re n­ot!”) I think we need to tone it down for a while. I’m n­ot – I’m n­ot sure I could keep holding myself back, and I can’t hurt you. I just can’t.

Her hands are in fists, and her voice is a soul-shattering mix of rage and sadness. “You liar,” she yells. “You said you loved me but you don’t.” That’s n­ot true, I start, but she cuts me off. “I hate you, [Uncle], I hate you,” she says as she runs to her room and slams the door. Those words that I couldn’t bear to hear. Those words that /b/ warned me I would hear. I got the bad end, I realized. I failed her as an uncle. I sat down on the sofa and replayed her words in my head, over and over. My eyes were burning.

Sorry, this is difficult for me – the memories, I mean. Anyway, after a while I knocked on her door and asked if she wanted to go see Wall-E or something. She doesn’t answer. I want to beg her n­ot to hate me, to forgive my fear and understand that I’m just as torn about what is right and wrong as she is. But I don’t say that. Come on, let me make this up to you, I say instead. Let’s go watch a movie, or get some fresh air or something. “Go away,” she yells. Let me come in, sweets, please? I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t lie to you; I really do love you. That will never change. We just have to be more like – like friends, I say, rather lamely. She opens the door. She has puffy eyes, scraggly hair, and murderous intent on her face. I crouch down so we’re eye level. “Damnit,” she says, and looks away from me. “Sorry’s no good. I’m n­ot going to forgive you,” she says. I put my arms around her. I almost cry when I feel her return my hug.

We went to see Wall-E, but it wasn’t playing at the time, and since we didn’t feel like waiting around for an hour, we went to the mall and did some shopping, and then grabbed some dinner. My niece seemed a little more energetic, but I could tell that she was still very unhappy with the situation, and no amount of presents or food was going to change that. I got her home a little bit late (I’d left a n­ote saying where we went) but my bro didn’t do more than give a raised eyebrow to the dangly earrings (my favorite on girls, and yes, my niece has pierced ears) I bought her. I explained why we went shopping (no movie) and he seemed okay with that, though. When I left my brother’s place, I hugged my niece tightly, but we gave no kisses goodbye.

There’s probably more that I’m forgetting, but this has taken me more than t­wo hours to write, and I’m emotionally drained from it. Take from this what you will, /b/. I’ll answer for you tonight, but I can’t guarantee that there will be anything to write about in the future. That is, my story will continue, but I don’t think I’ll be Uncle Anon anymore – it seems that the time of 20 boners might be at an end. I’ll let you know next Wednesday if there’s moar to say. If n­ot, then this may well be the bad end that /b/ predicted; she ended up hating me, after all.

Part 16 - 07/9/08
Heya, /b/. Uncle Anon here. I’ve been hanging out with the GF quite a bit, so I haven’t had as much time to reflect as I usually do. This update will be a bit shorter than the last tw­o, I think.

So my niece’s birthday party was this past Saturday. It was held at my mom’s house, since she has the pool. In attendance were my Mom, myself, her parents, and about 5 of her friends (all lolis) who had come over for chicken fingers, little sandwiches, various sides, and of course delicious cake. For my part, I watched from the deck as the lolis splashed around in the pool, and chatted with bro and mom. After they got out of the pool we had the present opening ceremonies, and I think my niece had a small orgasm when she unwrapped the Wii. Yeah, I broke down and got one for her. I got lucky, since it was the last one at the store where I bought it. It was really too expensive for a birthday present, but I rationalized it by saying her age only hits double digits once. Plus, she’s worth it.

I didn’t really play a very large role in the party, and I had mixed feelings about this. My niece was pretty distant with me, but then she was with her friends and parents, so it’s probably best that she didn’t get affectionate. Of course, I just assumed that I wasn’t going to see anymore affection, due to recent events, and was pretty sad about that. Also, as the party was winding down and my niece’s loli friends were leaving, I got a call from my GF, asking how the party went. She said that she wanted to see me, so I said we could go someplace tomorrow if she wanted. Pleased, she told me love you bye. You know, I haven’t actually told her I love her yet. I’m no­t sure I honestly can.

As I give my goodbyes to Mom and bro, my niece runs up and grabs her dad arm. “Daddy, can I stay at [Uncle]’s place tonight? Please?” she says. My bro pauses for a moment. “It’s up to him,” and gestures toward me. She turns to me, and I’m surprised to see fear in her eyes – as though I’m going to beat her if she asks incorrectly. “Can I?” she asks timidly. Nope, sorry, no temptations for me, I don’t say. I’ve got a girlfriend now, so I can’t have you running around my place, probably naked, I don’t explain. Instead, I shake my head no for a second (her crestfallen look was pretty cute, I must say) before smiling and telling her OF COURSE she can stay at my place if she wants.

After packing up my brother’s van with presents and such, I drove back to my place, niece riding shotgun. During the car ride, she rips out my heart. “I’m sorry, [Uncle],” she says. Why, I ask, glancing over at her. She shrugs, and looks out her window. “For what I did to make you no­t like me anymore.” I almost choke. I still love you, and you never did anything wrong, sweetheart. Actually (technically) I didn’t do anything wrong either. It’s just that I was – well, I was thinking about it. She gives a sort of ‘hah’. After a pause, she asked, “You really wanted to do it with me?” At hearing those words come out of my niece’s mouth, and I know it’s so damn wrong and I just can’t help it, the 20 boners stirred. Well, I say, most guys think about that kind of stuff a lot, especially around pretty and cute girls. It’s why you’ve got to be careful about who you talk to and who you hang out with. At that point, though, I recognize that I just ended tw­o phrases with prepositions, and wince. My niece’s only reply is “Mmm.”

Shortly after we arrive at my place, my niece no­tices some of my GF’s stuff – toothbrush, bathroom stuff, etc. – and wants to know whose it is. Crap. She finds out on her birthday, too. So I tell her that as of last week, I kind of have a girlfriend. She’s quite pissed, but no­t as upset as I thought she’d be. She seemed nonplussed at my explanation that this was why I couldn’t kiss her earlier. “So did you do it with her?” she asked. I don’t see how that matters, I say, but she takes that, quite correctly, as an answer, and angrily heads for a bath.

“I know you won’t help me. In the bath, I mean,” she says as she takes off her shirt, leaving her smooth skin covered only by her white undershirt. You know it’s no­t really appropriate, I say, no­ticing that she’s wearing the dangly earrings I bought for her. Without ano­ther word she closes the door in my face. Nice.

After she gets out of the tub, I offer to brush her hair, but she won’t let me do anything for her. After she’s in her PJs and ready for bed, she gives me a look like a burnt-whiskered cat. “You don’t want me in your bed, right,” she says flatly. I hesitate. Sweets, I don’t think – I start, but before I can explain that it’s probably no­t a good idea but I really wouldn’t mind sharing my bed with her anyway, she cuts me off. “Oh, I get it; only your girlfriend’s allowed.” She spins around, ignoring my protests, and marches to the guestroom before slamming the door. I follow.

I open the door, and she’s face down on the pillows. I sit down on the other side of the bed and wait until she peeks up at me. I’m sorry things worked out this way, [Niece], I say. I’m sorry for everything. But I want you to know that you’re special to me. This is sort of a secret, but you’re more important to me than any girlfriend, I say. “Oh really?” she asks. Yah, really, I say. “But you still don’t want to play kisses with me anymore,” she states. You’re a smart kid, I say, (“Hey, don’t call me a kid,”) and you know we can’t kiss and stuff when other people are around. Same reason why we shouldn’t play kisses anymore. That said, I want you to know that you’re precious to me (and I really miss our time together) but we shouldn’t really be taking baths together or sleeping together, since it’s no­t what most uncles and nieces do. She sniffs. I don’t really know how much she’s taking in, but, like I said, she’s a smart girl. “Yeah. Okay, but – It’s my birthday,” she says. “I want to stay in your bed. Can I? For my birthday,” she says. Okay, I say. Since you’re the birthday girl, okay. I pick her up – she’s so light – and carry her to my bed.

We make sweet, tender love till morning. Naw, no­t really. Rather, we wordlessly snuggled there, in my bed. She clung to me under the sheets, and I – well, I held her against me. It was very much like drugs or sex, though – so sweet, but so transient. Just like in that Aerosmith song, I wanted to stay awake, even after she’d fallen asleep, to appreciate what time I had with my niece. I know, of course, that it’s a stupid and hopeless sort of love, what I have for my niece. But then, it was fun, for a while, to think that I might get a happy ending.

That morning I woke up first, and with the greatest effort, extracted myself from my niece’s arms. I made us breakfast, and we talked about the events of the day before. After that, we drove back to her place (it was raining, rather appropriately), and I stayed and watched her play the Wii for a while (only had the one controller), and then I met up with my girlfriend, and we caught a showing of Wanted (worst crap evar). And I haven’t heard from my niece or brother since Sunday.

There you have it. Like I said, I haven’t had as much time to myself as I used to have, so my apologies if my writing seems a bit disjointed – I’m feeling a bit disorderly, myself, these days.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

The return of Uncle Anon?


On the 11th July 2009 at 10:20PM a thread appeared on /b/ posted under the name of Uncle Anon !!zTT8yF+bBLo. He stated a possible return. Is this really Uncle Anon? Or a 13 year old virgin who has nothing better to do than trying over 9000 tripcodes? You decide.

The next day at 8:34 PM, Uncle Anon returned as promised and gave a brief update on the events of the past year as well as answering some questions.

Text-based version of the image to the left for those who don't enjoy squinting at computers for extended periods of time:

"UNCLE ANON

It's me. Yesterday I promised an update, and here we go.

Where to begin? Hmm. Well, I think I'll start by updating some of that info at the top of ED. You're now dealing with a 30 year old uncle, an 11 year old niece, and the ubiquious 20 boners. I haven't had the continuous contact with my niece that I enjoyed a year ago, but since her birthday last week, I've been thinking that I could try to take a role in her life again (READ: I want to spend time with my niece, not I want my boner in my niece; the latter is 90%* untrue). [That's definitely a double-didgit multiple of 10. So not 100 or 99 or anything. I'm pretty sure it's 90. -Ed] Further, I have moar oppritunity to pursue this course of action (as potentially irresponsible and ignorant as it may be), since I've been enjoying the bachelor living for a little more than the past two months.

Don't think, dear anon, that due to my recently single status I am just a dirty old perv who is seeking a new source of cooch* after his previous one tried up. [I'm not sure what the word is, but that's pretty much undeniably the meaning of the sentence, so whatever -Ed] I am a dirty old perv who now has the chance to atone for stomping on my lovely niece's fragile loli heart a year ago. I don't deserve anything from her, quite frankly, and to be honest I wouldn't have even thought to try to start this up again had she not brought it up herself at the party. That's for later, though.

ANONYMOUS

w

UNCLE ANON A word of caution: Don't expect the massive updates of yesteryear - I just don't have the time these days to write 'em. I also don't have quite the same amount of time to answer replies and such, but we'll see how that goes. Further, I'd ask you to please remember that most of the stuff I wrote in the past was for me first, and you guys second. I wanted to get a grip on what was happening in my life, and I tried to do so through words. It's paid off. I can go back and look at where I was around this time last year and lol, I was CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, and that really explains a lot of my bad decisions. Lastly, I'm hiding behind over 9000 proxies right now. I don't know if moot's still out for blood, but I'm not taking any chances. If I suddenly stop talking or I miss and update, it's because the proxy failed and I couldn't get another one up in time, not that Candlejack has grabbed me by th

ANONYMOUS

Wait, are you really uncle anon?

What the fuck? Seriously?! I thought you were just a legend*. [No, it doesn't say an legend. Lurk Moar -Ed.]

UNCLE ANON

AAADWW! You didn't really think I'd end it like that, did you?

Anyway, I suppose I should start writing a history of events leading up to now. Eh, maybe later. In the meantime, here's an update on her appearence as of last week's birthday party, since ED's top post is now slightly out of date.

She got her hair cut a little shorter than she used to have it a while back - it's only just past her shoulders now - and she's taken to wearing it in a pony tail. She's started to sprout a bit, and I'd say she's grown about two inches since last year. Natrually, she's a s cute as she's ever beem, and, while I haven't had direct visual confirmation, it would seem she's developed two small, raised bumps on her chest. Thankfully, she's easily avoiding her mom's "healthy" hips, thighs, and [no clue] through, among other things, gymnastics and trampoline use; this is awesome.

I'll field your burning questions now, and write about important stuff later.

ANONYMOUS

UNCLE ANON IVE READ ABOUT YOU ON ED HI LOL

ANONYMOUS

Shut up you fucking retard. COPYPASTA"