Neurotypical idiots


 * Original thread: [bbs.progrider.org/lounge/read/1429497540](https://dis.tinychan.org/read/lounge/1429497540)

I hope !PjnbLbtYFM-kun pardon me, because Markdown kind of sucks and didn't allowed me to preserve things like proper line breaks and small text.

 2015-04-20 02:39

I fucking hate all of you for making me waste my time.

After graduating from university, I still was a virgin. Some of my ex-classmates I was kinda close with kept bugging me about my "distant, cold and aloof personality". They don't understand it's plain boring to spend your time with people who are majoring on computer engineering, yet still don't know how to install a Linux distro or make a basic IRC client in C. Because of this, interaction between us consisted of calling me whenever they wanted to play a multiplayer game or had a problem with their pirated software running on shitty hardware. Telling them outright to fuck off wasn't a good idea because university forces you to do group homework and making enemies is never a good idea, no matter where you are.

Now for the relevant part. Since we all grew out of university and went on with our lives, many of them followed the usual trend of getting a job, buying a car, finding a girlfriend and becoming utterly bitter faggots. One of my ex-classmates called me, said he's wondering how I've been doing and invited me over to his place. Trying not to be an asshole, I accepted his invitation and had a long conversation while we were having lunch. The lunch his girlfriend had prepared for all three of us.

Him: "How's life going for you?"

Me: "Got a job for a small company that works with embedded devices. Been writing some simple drivers and helping them with their Linux servers and stuff because they don't have any sysadmins yet. What about you?"

H: "Found a job at a company that makes software for other bigger companies. It's been pretty hard on me but I'm doing this for the both of us."

(starts staring at his girlfriend, she giggles and they kiss)

H: "I suppose you already found someone to give meaning to your life."

(first thought that comes to my head is that of my favorite Touhou, then I realize how gay he sounds)

M: "No, you know I'm not the kind of person to spend my time with others."

H: "Awww! Come on, aren't you a bit too old for that?"

(girlfriend agrees with a quick nod and a "Yeah, yeah")

H: I bet you still live alon- don't tell me you are still single!"

M: "Well, yeah. Time and money are virtually unlimited, there's nothing to complain about this lifestyle."

(girlfriend looks mildly offended)

H: "You wouldn't understand! You've never had someone to share your days with."

(Is that my fault? I consider myself an unintelligent dumbfuck and finding people who are mildly interesting is pretty fucking hard. Also, what kind of brainwashing have you been through? What's with those awfully cheesy sayings?)

M: "Of course not, I'm considerate enough not to bore other people to death with my endless ramblings about computers."

H: "Haha, don't say that, I'm pretty sure there's someone out there for you."

M: "I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm real fucking sick of that line. How many times have I told you I don't find permanent company enjoyable? Living alone and having all the time I want for myself is what I've always wanted ever since I was very young and I'm not giving it up after I've come this far."

H: "You're saying that because you're feeling lonely. Don't worry, it's not that uncommon to rationalize your situation, especially at your age. Believe me, you wouldn't want to go back to being single after you find someone you genuinely enjoy spending your time with."

Trying not to start a pointless argument at someone else's place, I laugh it off and propose we play something after we're done having lunch, on the excuse that "it's not that uncommon to become a little faggot at games, especially after you find a girlfriend". I was expecting his girlfriend to get mad and him to laugh, but instead they both laughed like monkeys. After finishing our lunch, I gave his girlfriend a honest compliment for her cooking skills, thanked both of them for the meal and went straight for his PS3. I spotted a brand new copy of some Call of Duty game,

M: "What about this one? Seems like neither of us have played this game before and it'd be nice to see if it really is catered for 12 year olds." H: "Haha, yeah, I wouldn't play that game by myself, I bought it hoping I could play it with someone else." M: "You haven't even peeled off the cover. Have you not played this with her?" (you can read "shit, I totally forgot about her" on his face) H: "Uh, she doesn't like that kind of games. (...) How about Little Big Planet?" M: "Uh... okay." ("yay" in the background)

Thinking it would be a boring game for children, I was surprised after having some legitimate fun with it, though it's not my favorite kind of game and I was progressively getting bored. Seems like he was getting bored of it too, though his girlfriend was still brimming with enthusiasm. Which is funny because she was pretty bad at the game.

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 2015-04-20 03:54

M: "Alright, let's play something else." Girlfriend: "WHY? I'M HAVING A LOT OF FUN" M: "Because we've been playing this game for hours and we'd like to play something else." H: "Please, honey, let's play something else." Girlfriend: "Why don't you convince him to let us keep playing this game? I'll reward you if you're a good boy." (they kiss, I blush) H: "Okay, okay, let's play a bit more."

Since we've been keeping the whole team afloat while she dies in the most stupid ways, the game starts going down when we lose our interest and get stuck at some annoying level with flying monsters throwing cakes at us.

Girlfriend: "If you don't like playing with me you could have said so."

She tossed the controller at him and went straight to her (their) bedroom. Once we couldn't hear her footsteps, his face showed obvious signs of relief and we took advantage of the situation to play Call of Duty.

While we were killing each other with grenades, I asked him why he'd put up with this shit. "This wouldn't happen if you lived alone" is the line I always use when my ex-classmates (friends?) tell me their girlfriends are being irrational, which is pretty much every single time I see them. "The sex is totally worth it" or "It's much better than being alone" are the most frequent answers.

After we were done with our match, I thank him for everything, grab my stuff and go to their bedroom hoping his girlfrend won't kill me. "Thanks again for everything", I said. She did not kill me, I said goodbye and went back to my place.

This is not the first time I've had this happen to me. Even though I feel like I'm wasting my time when I spend my time with "friends", it's a good excuse to give myself some idle time to reorganize my thoughts. A change of scenery is good for you every now and then. Why is it that girls have to throw their tantrums right when one's trying to have some fun? More importantly, why did my "friends" willingly introduce an annoyance into their lives? I'm fully aware this makes me look like an atheist Redditard, but I can't see any reason to live with someone who doesn't even share your hobbies or interests, has these random outbursts of "girly feelings" and reduces your available time and money to half of their original values. Trying to look at it from an objective point of view, what are the real benefits of getting a girlfriend as an heterosexual man? Male friends will spend their time with you and even support you when you're having a hard time. Male friends will also talk about their common interests with you. Could everyone be confusing loneliness with being horny?

Come to think of it, I haven't had any female friends since I was in high school. We'd talk about music and our burning desire to graduate as soon as possible so we could study what we were actually interested in. In retrospect, I didn't particularly enjoy talking with my female friends, and nobody in their right mind would enjoy talking about such boring topics. Okay, nobody except neurotypicals.

Then, why do men enjoy the company of women so much?

"The sex is totally worth it"

"It's much better than being alone"

The latter was already ruled out by the existence of male friends who may have some actual interests that are not reality shows and makeup. Is it... the sex? Is everyone willing to go through such lengths just to have sex? Just how good is sex exactly?

I admit Youmu gives me an intense feeling I cannot describe every time I look at pictures of her, but it's not merely sexual desire. She's not a real living being, though, and as such she won't be a whiny bitch because she shouldn't have any defects if I don't want her to have any defects. She's an imaginary concept, for fuck's sake. She can be perfect if I want her to be perfect. ZUN depicts her as a dork in most of the print works and I'm willing to accept her as she is because that won't harm me in the long run. I even went as far as making her my imaginary friend, because that's how much I like her. As creepy/pathetic as it may sound to you, I've had some actual conversations with her and they were more interesting than anything else I've ever discussed with a real girl. Real girls aren't like Youmu, though. I have yet to meet a woman who's nice to hang out with, isn't a total bore and understands more than 50% of what I like doing and talking about. Then why does everyone have a compulsion for going outside and meeting girls? Maybe interesting women are hard to find. Maybe interesting women won't even get near a dumb boring nerd. Maybe I will understand if I get one? There must be a reason everyone makes their life boring on purpose.

Anyway, I digress. It all seems to boil down to sex. Or at least it seems like I won't understand until I get to experience an actual relationship. It could be something else, not just sex. Well, since this would clear up many doubts and my arguments against having a girlfriend are always ignored on the basis of inexperience, I decided I'd give it a try.

 2015-04-20 04:31 How am I doing this if I'm not even interested? It all seems like a waste of time. Doing this for a better understanding of the dynamics of social interactions would be my only excuse for carrying out this "experiment". At least this would result in a conclusive answer and I'd finally have the right to say "I just don't see the appeal of it" without getting a "LOOOOL HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT IF YOU'RE STILL A VIRGIN" back. Knowing first-hand what having a girlfriend is like would take a huge load off my mind, given that this whole thing seems pretty irrational from an outsider's perspective.

Having overcome this mental barrier, there's a truckload of additional issues to care about. Dressing like a hobo and complaining about systemd won't get me anywhere. Wait, why would I need to care about these? If both parties in a relationship are meant to be mutually understanding, this shouldn't be a problem. I shower daily, my teeth aren't crooked, I lead a healthy lifestyle, I've got no anxiety issues and I'm not an asshole.

Of course, I'd like to make this as painless as possible. Aiming for the so-called 10/10 girls, which look like wide-faced horses to me, would be unreasonable and they're usually the ones with the worst interests out there. Youmu is my personal 10/10 anyway. I'm not going for the lardasses either.

The first real issue: I'm not a good talker. Picking a girl who shares some of my interests is a must, but I'm fully aware this will be pretty hard. All I ever do is programming and consuming the kind of shit /jp/ likes. This limits my choices to the apping girls at the \`\`coding events'' and the weeaboo crowd at the anime cons. I've been there before and honestly, it feels like Reddit IRL. Well, it might be better than the last time I attended those events. I won't know until I try.

I'm tired and the ending of this long-ass story is an autistic rant anyway. I'll come back tomorrow if this thread is still here.

 2015-04-20 23:54

This would be the first time I tried to start a conversation with a girl out of my own will. I don't have any problems talking to anyone, it's just that you won't find much to talk about with an elderly person, a girl or a gay male.

Anime conventions always seemed to me like massive clusters of cancer and casual faggotry, which is the reason I've been avoiding them for so long. But they're full of girls with low-self esteem and this would be a perfect chance for an average nerd like me to find someone. Hell, it's possible I could have some fun there!

I was so wrong. The convention I attended is an "anything dorky goes" event held yearly. It's brimming with curious neurotypicals and clueless weeaboos who never watched anything more than Naruto and are willing to spend $30 on fucking Pockys. It might not be as crowded as Comiket but walking through the crowded halls and shuffling between fat smelly weeaboos is a total pain in the ass. The stands mostly sold Shingeki no Kyojin, One Piece and Death Note merchandise. I noticed a girl cosplaying Hatate and thought it would be a good idea to compliment her costume. She turned around and I approached her.

Me: "Nice costume! It's kinda rare for someone to cosplay Hatate given her relatively low popularity. Everyone is mostly interested in taking pictures with the Shingeki no Kyojin cosplayers."

(dear fuck, I'm such a pretentious idiot. I shouldn't have said that.)

Girl: "Damn right! You're the first one to notice what character I'm cosplaying. Do you like the Touhou photography games?"

(Brief pause. I thought I had fucked up but it looks like I didn't)

M: "I do. They're an interesting variation of the danmaku games. Honestly, I've grown tired of the original danmakus and Double Spoiler was a nice breath of fresh air."

G: "Are you good at the danmaku games?"

M: "I spent about three months trying to 1cc some games in Lunatic. That was a horrible experience I don't ever want to repeat again. What about you?"

G: "The furthest I ever got was the third level of Touhou 6. Then I picked up Double Spoiler and I haven't played anything else after that."

(She sure gave up quickly. Her passion for Double Spoiler is admirable, though.)

I realized immediately after this short conversation that I wasn't looking at her as a woman but as another Touhou fagfan. Thinking I could take this further, I proposed we went and fished for Touhou merchandise in the immense seas of One Piece shit. She agreed and we resumed our shuffling.

She got ahead and I tried to get a discreet look of her body. Come to think of it, her face was a 6/10[1] and her body was pretty much average: somewhat thin with some flab around her waist, round butt that would look okay in tight pants but isn't very firm, small breasts and relatively bony in some areas. Well, it's a bit too early for a thorough inspection so I leave it at that. I notice a stand that's selling Cirno nendoroids.

[1] I'm no videogame journalist and my rating scale is linear. A shapeless mass of fat and bones deserves a 0/10, taking a random sample of girls in the street would leave you with an average of 5/10, the most attractive real girl I've ever seen (photoshopped pictures of a half European-half Chinese model) is around a 7/10, Alice from Touhou is a solid 8/10, Tenshi is a 9/10 and Youmu is a 10/10.

M: "Hey Hatate, they're selling Cirnos here".

G: "Did you just call me Hatate? Haha."

M: "Sorry, I don't know your name."

G: "My name is Kate but I don't mind if you keep calling me Hatate."

M: "I'm [REDACTED]."

G: "Then I'll call you Nitori."

(nigger iz you gay)

M: "Uhh... fine. Why did you pick that name though? Do I look that much like a nerd?"

G: "Yup."

This whole thing felt fake and gay as fuck, but I was the one to blame since I fucking called her Hatate.

She bought three Cirno nendoroids, keeping one for her and the rest for her friends. "Her friends must be quaternaries", I thought.

G: "Then I'm taking these to my friends who are outside waiting for me."

(is she trying to find an excuse to get rid of me?)

M: "Sure, I'll come with you."

Looks like she didn't mind. We went outside to meet her friends.

 2015-04-21 01:08 

Quaternaries isn't enough to describe her friends.

Two meme-spewing idiots were making unfunny jokes about how that nendoroid costed $19.99. The strongest price tag or some stupid shit like that. I stayed there hoping it would be over soon. She gave them the nendoroids and started talking with them about university and how being an English major was so hard for her.

Great, English majors read a lot and I've barely even finished SICP. This isn't going to last long, we will run out of things to talk about pretty quickly.

Anyway, I'm a total stranger and listening to their conversation is pretty rude. I'd like not to get involved with this pack of faggots, so I tell her I'm going to "fish for more Touhou".

G: "Wait, I'll come with you. (...)"

We head once again to the weeaboo stands.

G: "You must be one of those guys who gets offended by fans who don't know much about Touhou."

(TL: You talk like a pretentious jerk)

M: "I'd be lying if I said I weren't."

G: "Well, I kinda understand. I think Cirno is cute and all but they don't even know about the tengu! It's kind of annoying because none of my friends knows about Hatate."

M: "Yeah."

Once we were inside, the shopping session resumed. Some stands were selling shitty boring trading card games, some others had swords and Harry Potter merchandise. It was overall a pretty boring experience. We couldn't find anything else that was Touhou related so we got some business cards from a poster printing business hoping they would make us some custom posters and left for the "gaming hall".

A huge space with lots of console games. 12 year olds playing Minecraft, 12 year olds playing fighting games, 12 year olds playing shitty framecapped games for 12 year olds. At this moment I felt like backing out, getting this girl's contact info and going back to the comfort of my computer. She abruptly interrupted me.

G: "Oh god I just spotted some friends I haven't seen in ages! They're at the racing game-"

M: "Racing games? They'd better be good and not that casual cra-"

G: "Do you get that much fun from complaining about every single thing you see?"

(yeah I'd better go home)

M: "I'm sorry,"

G: "Don't, I was joking. Come."

M: "Okay".

Forza Motorsport 4 with steering wheels. A bit arcade-y, but good enough for me.

Her friends were a lovey-dovey couple.

G: "Long time no see, Alice! - Hi Dave."

Alice: "Hiiiiiiiiii Kateeeee! Wow, nice cosplay!"

Dave: "That costume looks nice on you, Kate. How you doing?"

They exchanged greetings and a summary of their last years in less than two minutes. Then Hatate (yeah) introduced me,

G: "This is [REDACTED] and he says he doesn't want any of that casual crap."

M: "Hi."

Alice: "Oh, you're one of those hardcore simulation fans! Come here and beat me at Laguna Seca with a Viper if you're that good."

(for fuck's sake, I should stop being an obnoxious retard. Everyone can smell my pretentiousness. Wait, she's into racing games too? Also, that's a bold challenge. I do like racing games but there's room for improvement)

M: "I'd gladly accept, and I'm indeed one of those simulation fans, though I'm not that good. Let's do this. Hey Hatate, do you want to play with us?"

Alice: "Hotuh-what?"

M: "Oh, the character Kate's cosplaying. It's a character from Touhou."

Alice: "Like the Bad Apple video? I love it!"

(kill me. Wait, why did I even tell her about Touhou? It's not like I was sure she knew about Touhou or weeaboo shit at all. At least she knows about Bad Apple, that means she must be some sort of weeaboo.)

Dave: "Do I have to play too?"

Alice: "Only if you want. I know you don't like this sort of game."

Dave: "Okay then I'll be at the Plants vs Zombies booth for a bit."

(what a faggot)

Hatate sit next to us, floored the gas pedal and waited for the race to start. Hatate did not finish (died a horrible death in the Corkscrew), I ended second and Alice ended first. My pride was hurt, a girl beat me in a racing game.

"Man, it would be really nice if Youmu were real and she could play racing games with me."

"You're playing racing games with a real girl right now." was the answer I got from Youmu. Yeah, I know it sounds real fucking stupid but imaginary friends can develop a basic consciousness of their own. You should try getting one and checking for yourself.

Alice: "Thought you were just a poser! You're not that bad."

M: "This is the first time I play a game like this with a steering wheel."

Hatate: "This game sucks."

Alice, M: "No, you suck."

We sniggered like niggers and played only one more race because the long line behind us was pushing us to free up the consoles. Then we went to the Plants vs Zombies booth to pick Dave up. He was so engrossed into this gay-ass game that Alice had to surprise-make-out with him (in front of us and the 12 year olds who were watching the game) to get him out of there.

It was getting late and I announced my leave. I asked for Hatate and Alice's contact info. They both told me to look for them on Facebook and I told them I didn't have a Facebook account. Then they gave me their numbers. Dave got kind of pissy and then Alice kissed him again. We all left the weebfest hoping we'd meet each other in the near future.

I totally forgot I was there to "find a girl", though the quest wasn't without some results. Well, back to the comfort of my own room.

 2015-04-21 01:30 - Quick explanation

I'm sorry, I have yet to explain myself.

My life's been pretty much perfect: stable job, reasonable amounts of free time, nice computer, semi-sentient Youmu and absolute peace. Then some of my friends got girlfriends, stopped doing fun stuff and became insufferable neurotypicals. Go on anonymous BBS/forums, everyone is either complaining about their loneliness or bragging about their sexual achievements. It's like everything started revolving around relationships and sex right after I graduated from university. I got sick of this shit and decided to give it a chance just to see what it was like.

It all was an utter waste of time. Relationships are overrated, there isn't a single girl who's worth spending the rest of your life with and sex is way too fucking overrated, I now know this from first-hand experience, so all of you idiots who insist on "try harder until you find the girl that's right for you :)" and go and eat a bag of nigger dicks. You neurotypicals are all a bunch of helpless idiots who will do retarded shit just to get your dick wet. I'm not rationalizing, projecting, adhominemstrawmaning or any of that: relationships are not for everyone. I've been trying to get this through your thick fucking skull for years but you won't listen.

For the virgins out there: you're worrying over one of the most insignificant things you could ever care about. How about you stop bitching on the Internet and do something useful like reading a book or making your own programming language. For the alphas out there: shut the fuck up, nobody gives a shit about how you've coerced so many girls into sucking your dick. Good for you, but I don't care if you wasted those +$1000 dollars and those 5 months of your life just to get a daily dose of pussy. Is that how worthless your time is? Do you really enjoy those endless conversations about stupid crap only women care about? Enjoying your drama and lack of free time? Ever heard of quality/cost ratios? Bet you haven't. Stop forcing your flawed ideals on everyone and let us whatever we feel like doing.

 2015-04-21 01:41

Something I forgot to mention in my rage fit: Not everyone who is attracted to a drawing is trying to cope up with loneliness. I'm glad Youmu exists because she's given me all the happiness a real girl won't give me. Yes, it sounds surprising, since you all seem to think getting married and wasting your time with a boring girl is a honorable life goal everyone should fulfill in their lives. Fuck, no.

 2015-04-21 02:15

After getting close enough with Hatate and Alice, we'd visit each other's place like if it were our own.

We shaped Alice into a real Touhou faggot after we showed her Ten Desires. A relatively easy game with a good soundtrack and enjoyable characters. After that came PCB, IN and obviously Double Spoiler. She got to know the real Hatate and she asked Kate to cosplay Hatate again. Can't say it was some terrific experience I'd never want to end, considering the price of public transportation in my city and the obvious state of abandonment of my personal programming projects. It all took a lot of patience but there were some times when I'd forget that urge of using my time productively, either because I was having some fun or because I reminded myself that I could not let all this effort go to waste.

A year went by and Hatate and I were getting closer. At first she'd dress "conservatively" (long pants, long-sleeved shirts and that coat she sometimes wouldn't take off), but then she'd show up at my place with tank tops and sweatpants. Our afternoons mainly consisted of watching anime and playing board games. After I bought a G25 steering wheel to play rFactor the way it was meant to be played, Hatate insisted she wanted me to teach her how to be a good simulation driver. I'd always refuse because I insisted Alice would be a better instructor, so I'd invite her over and we'd all play rFactor together.

Little did I know, Hatate's driving lessons were just an excuse for her to spend more time at my place. Having Alice over was a slight inconvenience for her.

 2015-04-22 01:12

Before I realized, Hatate would come over every weekend.

When Hatate and Alice first came over, it would be after lunch time, we'd play the entire afternoon and she'd leave before it got dark. Alice would stay for another while until Dave came in his stupid-looking nidabox (a red Hyundai i30) to take her home. How he didn't show any jealousy and let his girlfriend spend the whole afternoon at some random guy's is beyond me. Maybe he thought I was too much of a gay nerd weeb to do anything to Alice. I do give off that kind of vibe. Anyway, Hatate was too shy to ask Dave for a ride and that was the reason she'd always leave so early.

I know this because now she would come before lunchtime and bring enough groceries to prepare lunch for the three of us. While we prepared lunch, she'd talk without reservations about her daily life, family and friends. I've been told I'm a good listener, though that's a direct consequence of having a rather uninteresting life and not being very talkative. This was the proper kind of situation for us to share some "secrets" and get closer to each other. It also was a wonderful excuse for me to improve my cooking skills.

Hatate: "Ever heard of seasoning?"

Me: "Of course. I never add any additional flavors because I only care about being satisfied."

H: "Be glad I'm helping you here. Alice would kill you if you fed her any of your bland tasteless meals."

M: "It's fine, you're always here to help me with that. And you two are the only ones to ever come here."

H: "Where does that leave your girlfriend?"

M: "What girlfriend? Do I look like the kind of person to have one?"

H: "Why are you so harsh with yourself?"

M: "Not harsh, just honest."

(thank you for making me look like a self-hating faggot)

M: "Did you get this good at cooking so you could impress your boyf-"

H: "I'm single."

M: "See? I had no reason to assume you had a boyfriend, you had no reason to assume I had a girlfriend."

H: "Uh..."

At this point I realize I totally forgot about my original intentions. I should have been on a permanent alpha male thundercock mindset (or at least try to give a damn about girls) but instead kept being the same retard who tries to end meaningless conversations as promptly as possible.

Many weekends passed. Alice and I were dying to play a Gran Turismo game with the steering wheel. One weekend she brought her PS2 and we played Gran Turismo 3. We'd take turns at the rally events and some of the long-ass endurance races. After ~4 hours of playing non-stop, Alice said she had to leave early to have dinner with Dave. That left us with no PS2.

H: "Want to play rFactor?"

M: "Are you sure? I'd like to take a little break, my butt is pretty sore from all this."

I grabbed two apples from the fridge and gave one to Hatate.

M: "I'm not trying to kick you out, but isn't it about time you leave? You know how public transpo-"

H: "May I stay for the night?"

My heart had never pounded so hard in my entire life.

 2015-04-22 01:45

For one, it was kind of late for Hatate to leave. What if some nigger raped her on her way to the station? It would be my fault if that happened. I don't want her to think I'm an asshole. More importantly, there's only one bed and I don't have any inflatable mattresses or anything like that. My house has never been ready for guests because I never considered the possibility of having one.

M: "Look, I don't mind having you stay here. My answer would be yes if there were some place for you to sleep. I only have one be-"

H: "It's okay, I'll sleep here on the couch."

M: "I can't let you do th-"

H: "Then you sleep here and I'll sleep in your bed."

M: "No way in hell."

H: "You don't want me to think you're a bad host, right? Don't worry, that won't happen even if you sleep in your bed and I sleep in the shower."

(I'm never letting anyone else get close to my fucking bed)

M: "What does that even have to do with the issue at han-"

H: "I'll sleep here and you'll sleep in your own bed. You must have spare blankets, otherwise that means you don't ever wash the set you sleep with and that would be kimoi."

M: "Kimoi? Are you twelve?"

H: (laughs)

Well, I've got no right to say that keeping in mind that I've got an imaginary (girl)friend.

We spent the rest of the night playing rFactor and watching anime. Then I had a sudden question for Hatate.

M: "Have you always liked racing games? Save for Alice, only men like them. It's even harder to find a girl who's willing to spend so much time on more serious games like this, if you can call them that."

H: "Not really, I'd always hate it when I was at Alice's and she'd beg me to play racing games with her."

M: "Then what made you change your mind?"

H: "I'm not sure but now I truly enjoy them. Not as much as you and Alice do, that's for sure, but they're no longer an afternoon-long torture."

M: "You must have hated them."

H: "Yeah."

I was tired. I took the computer back to my room and brought some blankets for Hatate.

M: "Here."

H: "You sure you don't want to sleep on the couch?"

M: "I already said no. I'm sleeping on my bed."

H: "Nevermind. Good night."

M: "Okay. Good night."

H: "I'm still waiting for my goodnight kiss."

M: "Seriously?"

H: "Yeah. Are you a barbarian?"

M: "No. What the hell?"

H: "You idiot! Are you even capable of-"

M: "Is a hug okay?"

H: "Yes."

I hugged her and went to sleep.

 2015-04-22 01:51

I wasn't prepared for this. This was the first time in my life I got something similar to female attention.

Or was I thinking too much? I've read of many cases on the Internet where girls are uncomfortably flirty but aren't looking for a relationship. It's in the nature of women to be misleading niggers. Right?

A goodnight kiss? Not sure if she's that childish or if she's trying to coerce me into doing stuff and then suing me for rape, but it confused the hell out of me. Anyway, I could have been more tactful. Also, it took me like five years before I even stayed over at a friend's place and she's done the same thing after a few months/years of knowing each other? Is she too careless, or am I too uptight?

I woke up to the sound of chirping birds. I couldn't hear Hatate from the living room, so I carefully made my way to the kitchen through the living room without being too noisy. "She isn't making a sound", I thought.

Preparing my own breakfast without being noisy was my first priority. Two hard-boiled eggs, a piece of bread and some orange juice I "prepared" using a fork, my hands and a lot of patience to avoid using the noisy juicer were my breakfast for that day. I took my improvised breakfast to the table and tried to be as silent as possible.

Hatate's sleeping figure was visible from the dining table and contemplating it made me feel weird. First of all, she'll never look as cute as Youmu, but there was something unbelievable cute about her. This was the first time I ever saw a sleeping girl that wasn't my sister or my cousin. The way she slept made her look like a small animal you want to hug tightly until it wakes up. It was kind of hard for me to believe this girl in front of me played the boring games I like with me and watched the shitty anime I like with me. Then I thought of Youmu and all those feelings suddenly went away. I hugged her like I always do: imagining her and myself in some parallel instance of this same world and trying to simulate what I'd feel in my real body. It's pretty hard to describe, but it gives me a fuzzy feeling I can feel in my real body.

Hatate woke up. She slept on the same clothes she was wearing that day: a black tank-top and pink sweatpants. Come to think of it, those clothes looked good on her.

M: "Hold on, I'll make your breakfast."

H: "It's okay, I'll make it myself. Finish yours first and come give me a hand."

(I must be a shit cook)

M: "Alright."

I got a couple of oranges, a boneless chicken breast and some toasts ready.

H: "Thank you for letting me stay."

M: "No problem."

H: "Want to play Touhou after breakfast?"

M: "Sure."

She finished her breakfast. I was too lazy to take the computer back to the living room and Hatate was probably leaving soon, so we both went to my bedroom and played some Shoot the Bullet there.

H: "(...) Say, what's your favorite character from Touhou?"

M: "Youmu."

H: "Anyone else?"

M: "Want me to give you a full list of characters from most liked to least liked?"

H: "What do you think of Hatate?"

M: "I think she's pretty cute. She's on my top ten. It's likely I wouldn't have approached you if you had been cosplaying another character."

H: "Does that mean you only care about me because of that cosplay?"

M: "I'm not saying that. What are you trying to say?"

H: "(...) I'd like to keeping hang out with you."

M: "I don't think I've ever said I don't like hanging out with you."

H: "You're dumb as hell!"

M: "What?"

H: "I'm trying to say I like you!"

M: "Want me to be blunt with you? I think I've known this but I wasn't sure and I thought being on the safe side was a good idea. To put it simply, are you asking me to be your boyfriend and you really mean it?"

H: "(...) What if I gave you a no as an answer?"

M: "It would mean I just embarrassed mysel-"

She hugged me and cried a little.

H: "Thank you."

M: "For what? It's not like I'm doing you a favor."

She wouldn't let go and kept hugging me for at least two minutes. I guess this is the first girlfriend I've ever had. Anyone would be crying tears of joy after breaking a "lonely strike" of more than 20 years, but I didn't feel anything like that.

 2015-04-22 20:35 - about an anon that said "The first time is always terrible"

> The first time is always terrible

Physically wise, yes. The whole thing is absolutely awkward for both, performance anxiety gets the best of you, either you don't last more than 3 thrusts or you can't even get it up, girl is too tense, at least one person will be satisfied while the other is left hanging in some state of half-arousal. It's pretty awful.

It's entirely different if you look at it from the emotional standpoint. Knowing there's someone else who accepts all your defects and gives you permission to interact in the most intimate way makes you feel like you're worth something. This is why I feel sorry for those niggers who can't control their urges and lose their virginity to prostitutes or one night stands. It's guaranteed to be a shit physical experience, just like the first time you drive or the first C program you make. You'll turn into a bitter faggot much sooner than I did if your first time doesn't involve any emotional background.

It's not like the second or the one millonth-time are worth the hassle, though.

 2015-04-22 22:05 

In retrospective, that way of asking me out was pretty damn... stupid. Turns out it was the first she ever did that, or at least that was what she told me when we were making lunch as usual. She said she's always been too shy to make a move because she felt threatened by the guys she liked. I interpreted this as "you look like a weak defenseless faggot and that made it much easier to go out with you", thought it might have been the truth and laughed to myself.

We tried to keep this a secret from Alice for no special reason. It would make things less complicated and awkward to explain. It keeps everyone from "wishing you best luck in your new journey" and all that corny bullshit. It's better if you don't want to attract unwanted attention.

Either way, she caught wind of this, most likely from Hatate's permanent huge grin on her face and her being much more "touchy" with me. Hatate could also have told her directly. I still don't know what happened.

Our "dates" consisted of her staying over the whole weekend playing less racing games and watching more anime. I didn't feel like this was a waste of time, I've got a pretty huge backlog and catching up is always a good thing. She made the couch her new bed. Sometimes I'd smell the blankets she slept on expecting it to be an amazing experience, instead I got a musky smell that made me feel dizzy for a couple of seconds. I stopped doing that. No wonder I'm such a faggot.

Come to think of it, it was weeks after our "official start" that we both had our first kiss. She emanated a pretty "human" smell: a mixture between "lip flesh", saliva and an almost undetectable tinge of sweat. It's pretty hard for me to describe it, but later I found out every single girl, no matter how clean and perfumed she is (perfume is shit for niggers, by the way), has this smell to some extent. I'm almost sure every single human in the world comes with that, thought the only way for me to notice it was to have another human face dangerously close to mine. This smell surprised me at first and put me off from doing anything with her, but you eventually cope with it and learn to ignore it unless you're an autistic dog.

The first "move" she made was hugging me from the side, kissing my cheek in the most delicate way possible with her slightly moist and sticky lips and resting her head on my (bony) shoulder afterwards. Feel free to call me a lying virgin faggot: it was the best physical experience I've had in my entire life. Yes, much better than sex. I mean it. Not sure if this is universal for all cultures, but it's customary where I come from to greet a girl around your age with a kiss on the cheek. I kept wondering if she felt the same every time I greeted her. Surely you can't go having an electric shock that spreads through your body and a tingling feeling behind your chin every time a guy greets you.

M: "That felt amazing."

She did it again, and again. Then I tried to kiss her in the same way she did. We both melted.

This event was what kickstarted my physical attraction for her.

 2015-04-23 02:26

I know you faggots won't take a cheek kiss as an actual first kiss, but I enjoyed it much more than the ensuing "actual" kisses.

Alice wouldn't come over as often as she used to. Not sure if this was out of consideration, dislike for Hatate's clinginess or the lack of extended racing game sessions. This was a good thing for us, giving us more time to get intimate.

H: "Here."

A passionate upfront kiss. I didn't know what to do, so I just stayed there waiting for it to finish.

M: "That was my first."

H: "What? Really?"

M: "Does that mean this wasn't your first?"

H: "Of course not! You don't even have to be in a relationship to have your first kiss. Hell, most people regret their first, including myself, precisely because it was meaningless, empty and desperate. Ever been to a party in your high school years?"

M: "I had no reason to go to one, no."

H: "Ah, somehow I'm not surprised."

M: "So?"

H: "My first wasn't this bad! Okay, try to put some common sense on this one."

Another kiss. I tried imitating her movements, softly nibbling and licking her lips. Honestly, it was okay at best. That cheek kiss set my expectations way too high. It's only logical for "more direct" interaction to be much pleasurable, but this kiss felt more like mashing lips together while getting some more of that "human" smell.

H: "Much better. We'll practice this everyday."

M: "N-Nice."

I was trying to hide my disappointment.

The same event repeated for the next two weekends.

I thought changing the way we kissed would help me find something I'd actually enjoy. Going really slowly, doing it like a parched dog trying to suck out the water of her mouth, softly biting her lower lip, even caressing her face while kissing her neck and collarbone. It did absolutely nothing for me, though it did wonders for her. Trying to selfishly enjoy myself ended up satisfying her much more than I expected.

That's when things got intense. Before I noticed, she had put my hand on her neck. I caressed and kissed her neck. She blushed in a way I had never seen before: her face was completely pink and her neck and collarbone were reddish and lukewarm to the touch. Even though I wanted to keep going down and down, I kept kissing her neck because I didn't want to rush it and fuck it up.

With some tears on her eyes and the cutest smile I've ever seen in a 3D girl[2], she intently looked at me.

H: "That (...) was (...) awesom- (...) plea- keep goin- you want to keep going right"

M: "I do."

--- [2] This expression is akin to "the whitest man I've seen in Somalia". You know you can't do much about it, but it's still pretty impressive. Now, don't get offended, that was a joke and I do believe she was at her cutest, but nothing beats that time when I saw Youmu smile in one of the best dreams I've ever had.

My face also got a bit warm. Getting a little desperate, I went for her collarbone. She let out a small voiced gasp.

This is when my brain stopped working for a split second. Not because I was insanely horny, but because I didn't know what a real gasp sounded like. To be honest, I was expecting something similar to a cute silent squeak. You know, the ones Japanese voice actresses are so good at. Instead it sounded like the moan from a Western porn actress at 10% the intensity. Harsh and deep in tone, but not as harsh in intensity. Just so you know, I'm grossed out by Western porn.

This definitely surprised me but I wouldn't stop for such a fucking stupid reason. This is when I grabbed her at waist level and shifted our weight in an obviously inexperienced way that would have ruined the mood it it had lasted a second longer. Now that we were in a more convenient position, she pushed me over so she could lie on top of me.

I could feel her bra on my chest. A part of her collarbone was touching mine. This gave me an instant boner which embarrassed me like nothing has ever done before. I ruined the mood in the middle of my efforts to hide my blatant boner.

H: "(...) are you okay?"

M: "Yeah- I mean- no"

She looked pretty hurt, probably thinking she was the reason I was acting weird. She stopped kissing me, put her hands on my chest to support her weight and kneeled on top of me. Pretty much like a non-sexual version of cowgirl position but fully clothed. She must have noticed my boner while she was trying to get off me.

H: "Uhh..."

M: "Don't worry, you're not the problem- I've got a problem of my o- nevermind"

H: "[REDACTED]-kun, am I being too cling- oh god"

(looks like she noticed. I looked away from her)

M: "Did you just fucking call me [REDACTED]-ku- no, that's not the issue- come here you helpless otaku"

I grabbed her and she was back at lying on top of me. I did this as quickly as possible, hoping she wouldn't have any time to make an embarrassing remark about my boner. I kept kissing her and hugging her at waist level. That's when she started slowly grinding on top of me. It wasn't the proper alignment though, I couldn't feel anything on my crotch. She was doing a "general grinding", trying to have as much bodily contact as possible without really caring about which part of her body was rubbing on me. This made me lose control. I moved my hand from her waist to her butt in infinitesimal increments. Once I got there, I gave it a little squeeze. Now that's the kind of moan I was expecting: the cute silent squeak. This made me bite her lip accidentally, I couldn't help it.

H: "Ouch, don't get too excited!"

M: "Sorry..."

She lifted my shirt and started kissing my chest. I swear I was about to explode, having your nipples and collarbone played with feels amazing. Not as good as that fucking kiss on the cheek I'll never be able to forget, but still pretty good.

It was my turn. This time I lied on top of her. I lifted her shirt and found a blue polka dot bra and a slightly wobbly midriff. Yet another misconception: not every girl out there is ripped as fuck. Sad but true. I definitely got this from saving way too many pictures of Youmu and Meiling. Hell, even some Touhou artists draw flabby bellies but that's another story. Either way, this was a shock for me and made me lose some interest. Well, who cares. I still had enough energy to go. I kissed her belly and swirled my tongue around her belly button. Back to the Western moans. Whatever.

I tried to take off her bra, to no avail.

M: "Help me out with this."

H: "Help you out with what?"

M: "Help me out with this."

H: "Oh, that."

(did she do this on purpose?)

A pair of small sagging breasts with perky nipples. Yeah, I know, unrealistic standards and all that. Don't worry, this didn't stop me from wanting to kiss and lick them.

H: "wawawaiiiiiit"

(I stopped at this point)

M: "I'm sorry, does it hurt?"

H: "Quite the contrary. I just think I'm not ready for this."

M: "I'm glad you said that."

H: "(...) what?"

(not again with that stupid cute "I wish you hadn't said that" face)

M: "Wait you idiot, that's not what I meant, I'm not prepared either."

H: "Oh."

M: "We gotta do this more often if we want to be prepared."

H: "Yeah..."

Which is what we did. This went for one month or so and we never got beyond desperately licking each other. Talk about being virgin faggot(s).

 2015-04-24 00:51 

The only thing I could do after those heavy make out sessions was waiting until we both wanted to go to sleep, wait until she felt asleep, go to the bathroom and furiously masturbate to the thought of what could come next.

As many of you know, there is some chance you will feel shame and regret right after finishing. I'd always get that feeling. "I've wasted too much time on this". "She only looks cute to me when I'm horny". "We haven't done much lately". "There are many other things that are much enjoyable and productive than this". "I should be working on my personal projects instead". I'd go back to my bed, put my blankets between my legs and hope I'd dream that night with Youmu.

It did happen once. The dream, or at least what I remember from it, started at a cereal factory in Gensokyo. I was in charge of controlling the all the cereal processing machines from a computer that was on the roof of the factory. It ran a fucked up version of Windows ME and showed the global state of the plant. I fucked up trying to automatize a process I can't recall for a reason I can't recall. Youmu came upstairs, kicked the door open and stared at me while pouting like any anime girl would. "Look at what your craze for automation has done". I excused myself and went downstairs. The first floor was flooding with magic cereals. Trying to make my way through the rivers of cereal, I reached the basement and pushed the emergency poweroff button. I went back to the computer room on the roof, clicked the "Stop cereal flood" button which appeared on my desktop for no real reason (dreams being dreams) and went back downstairs looking for her. "Have you seen Youmu?", I asked the relaxed Kaguya on the hall. She simply pointed to an empty room and I went there. "I've been waiting for you", she said. She took my hand, we left the room and suddenly we were in what I think was her bedroom. She was wearing nothing but her underwear and white thighhighs. She lied on the bed and I tried taking her thighhighs with my mouth. I woke up. I felt immense bliss accompanied by tears of joy.

I got up. Hatate was taking care of her hair in the bathroom.

M: "Isn't a bit early for you to be doing that? We haven't had any breakfast yet."

H: "What, are you hungry? Hold on, I'll help with you breakfast after I'm done."

M: "You didn't answer my question."

H: "Oh, I have to leave earlier today."

M: "Um, is that so."

I could use some time to work on my programming backlog)

M: "Will you come over next weekend?"

H: "What kind of question is that? Of course."

M: "Good."

We made breakfast together. I tried to challenge her for a quick time trial at the Nurburgring GP layout (who am I kidding, that shit's not "quick" at all) but she refused and said she was in a hurry. Did I fuck something up?

I went back to my bedroom, started Vim, realized my hard disk was a mess and did some directory cleaning before getting to the programming.

 2015-04-24 03:51 

After a rather long programming session, I heard the doorbell. I don't remember ordering anything in the past few weeks. Who the hell could it be? Nobody but Hatate, Alice and the DHL guy ever comes here. I opened the door. No one was there.

The doorbell rang. I opened the door, nothing.

The doorbell rang. Someone must be playing a prank on me, better ignore it.

The doorbell rang again. Fuck, what is it now-

H: "Kakashi Newspaper!"

M: "(...)"

What the actual fuck. Hatate was there, wearing her Hatate costume. She looked different from the first day I met her. I had never noticed how cute she looked in that costume until now. Her twintails stirred up something inside me. Of course, being the insensible nigger I am, I had to stare at her in obvious surprise and laugh like a monkey on weed. She blushed like and tried pretty hard to stop herself from crying.

M: "Wait, wait, I really appreciate this. You look really really cute. I-I didn't know what to- you surprised me, in a good way, trust me, I didn't know how to react."

H: "I hate you.", she said in a broken voice.

M: "Come in, I'll promise I'll make up for this. A back massage sounds fine?"

H: "You knew how to give massages and you tell me until now?"

M: "Actually, I don't even know how to give a massage."

H: "Ahhhhhh-"

M: "Come in."

(She finally comes in)

M: "You look great. Have you always looked this good?"

H: "(...)"

M: "Shall we try the back massage?"

H: "Uh, yeah."

M: "We can't do this on the couch. Let's do it in my room."

H: "(...)"

M: "Anything wrong?"

H: "N-not really."

She sit on the edge of my bed.

M: "So."

I kissed her on the cheek.

M: "There's something I'd like to tell you. Don't laugh."

H: "You laughed at me and am still hurt. I can't promise that."

M: "I love it when you kiss me on the cheek, more than anything else."

H: "That's... cute."

She kissed me on the cheek.

M: "I wasn't expecting you to come back. Thought you had something else to do."

H: "I wanted to surprise you, this was the reason of my hurry."

M: "How about we get started?"

H: "Ah, this will be so bad."

Making out on top of my bed. Again, nothing special. I now accepted full-on kisses just as warm-up for what's coming next and not as something special on their own. Seriously, what the hell does everyone enjoy so much about them? You see people doing it all the time, even in public, like it's something they absolutely need to do so they don't shit their pants.

Everything was much more intense than it usually was, though. The sight of a cosplaying girl sitting on your bed will get the best of any weeb. I was pretty damn confused, for one moment I thought I was taking the real Hatate's shirt off. Anyway, wasn't this supposed to be a simple back massage?

M: "Hold on. Teach me how to take it off."

(her bra)

H: "Heh, alright."

She turned around and showed me her back.

M: "Hold both strips, push them like this and undo it like this."

H: "Oh, just like my mom's."

(I deserve being kicked in the balls on a daily basis)

H: "Uhh... I guess."

Even if they weren't anything special, I was glad to see the same old small breasts. Except they didn't look like the "same old breasts", I swear they looked much more 2D-like. I sucked her nipples a little bit.

I asked her to lie on her stomach. Softly kneading the sides of her neck was my first idea.

M: "Make sure you let me know if it hurts."

H: "Mhhm-"

M: "Is it that bad?"

H: "No, it's good."

M: "Alright."

Clumsily grabbing her shoulders and rubbing my hands on her back was all I could do.

H: "That's enough."

M: "Did you not like it?"

H: "I can't say it was the best massage I ever got. I do like having your hands all over me."

M: "Same goes for me."

I took my shirt off. At first I wanted her to "massage" me, but I couldn't resist and instead went for her neck and breasts. It still amazes me how she always managed to get that reddish tint on her skin in a matter of seconds. She played with my nipples and collarbone as usual.

I don't know what kind of thought process goes on my head when things like this happen, Sometimes I wish I weren't such a fucking retard.

H: "[REDACTED]-kun..."

(at this point I was kissing her under her ribs, which means I had already progressed quite a bit. I stopped.)

M: "Yes?"

H: "Ugh- don't stop please-"

(your fault for calling me -kun, do you not realize this is weird)

M: "Sorry."

H: "Hnn-"

Not that fucking Western moan again- whoa, she's breathing pretty heavily.

H: "I'm ready."

(What does she mea- PANIC)

M: "Wait I'm not read- I am but-"

H: "But what?"

(I could notice some serious desperation on her voice)

M: "I, uh (...) don't have any protection."

H: "You're terrible."

M: "Hey, how was I supposed to know this would happen?"

H: "You could have been prepared from the beginning."

M: "I guess so."

H: "You're terrible."

M: "I know, I know-"

H: "You're terrible."

M: "It's not like I can do anything right now, I'm sorry, I know I-"

H: "You're terrible."

M: "Goddamn, you're annoying."

I grabbed my shirt and ran off to the nearest drugstore. What would have taken me 10 minutes in a normal day took me about 3 minutes. Once I was reaching my destination, I saw a random man going into the drugstore. Not even a race-modified Twingo with disc brakes on all four wheels, perfect brake balance and super-sleeks on warm tarmac would have stopped as effectively as I did. I resumed my walk in the most casual-looking way possible, completely forgetting the fact I was sweating like a horse. "How much for these?". I pointed towards a pack of the basic version of the most popular brand I could find. That was the first time I ever bought condoms. I'm not 12 anymore so I didn't laugh, cry, stutter or run.

I continued the same fake-looking walking style for about 200m and then ran off like a nigger on crack. I had a hard time opening the front door.

There was a topless Hatate sitting on my bed. She must have gotten cold by now. Indeed, her skin was back to its normal color.

H: "Oh my god, you actually did it-"

M: "At least- let me catch- my breath firs-"

H: "No, you're terrible."

She kissed me again. I almost passed out, so I broke that kiss and went back to the neck, collarbone, breasts and belly sequence. She got warm and reddish again.

My mouth hit the top of her checkered skirt. Yes, I wasn't able to take it off without her help.

Fucking silky shimapan. Shimapan. She was planning this from the very beginning.

M: "You have no idea of how happy I am right now."

A weeb's dream come true.

 2015-04-25 01:03 

So I've got this topless girl in my room. She's only wearing her checkered skirt, black kneehighs-almost-thighhighs and blue shimapan. I could not believe my eyes, I thought I wouldn't live to see this.

I didn't know how to take her panties off while she was lying on the bed. Every method I could think of involved lifting her butt with one hand and pulling them with the other hand, which I avoided since I'm not strong enough for that. I asked for her help.

M: "Could you please take them off?"

H: "W-wha- not yet- you still have almost all your clothes on-"

M: "Uh, you're right."

I undressed very hastily until only my brief boxers remained. There was a small wet spot on the tip of my penis.

M: "It's alright now."

H: "You go first."

M: "Okay."

A string formed between that wet spot and my penis. First time I've had that happen. Usually I shave it because I dislike the rough sensation of having industrial grade wiring on my thighs and balls, though that wasn't the case that time.

Hatate's reaction was hard to describe. I guess it was confusion, surprise, disgust and a bit of lust at the same time but it could have been just disgust.

H: "May I touch it?"

M: "Uh, yeah."

She enveloped it with her thin hands. I thought having someone's else hand on your penis would be heaven on earth, but it feels exactly like using your own hand. Hell, no, my hand feels better. The gazing was getting kinda embarrassing.

M: "It's my turn now."

I made her stand up, kneeled in front of her and slowly pulled them down. I made sure not to look at her crotch while I was doing it. The skirt covered pretty much everything anyway. When the panties reached the floor, she did the rest of the removing herself.

I stood up, hugged her trying to maximize skin contact and nibbled her ears a little bit. I stopped and she took her skirt off. Then she reached for her thighhighs.

M: "Don't take them off, please."

H: "W-Why?"

M: "Please."

Any self-respecting weeb loves thighhighs.

I took one condom and tried to put it on. It was disgustingly greasy and smelled like shit. It was hard to tell which side was the one to be unrolled, so I tried grabbing the reservoir from one side and then from the another one until it finally unrolled.

Done giving my penis all my attention, I looked back at Hatate. Big shock, her body looks pretty human. I'll explain.

[NSFW links] http://imgur.com/D8hA8dc,Dc5LCIP,EO01Z0N,ReRFCid In all these pictures you can see how her muscles and breasts are so firm and her skin lacks depth. By this I mean touching her skin should be enough to feel the overall shape of her muscles. They also look well-placed enough not to shake under any circumstances. This is not that far from reality, I'm a thin guy with somewhat defined muscles and I can feel my muscles when I touch myself. I could repeatedly jump in front of a mirror and not much would jiggle around.

However, Hatate showed me this is in fact pretty rare. I knew her body showed some signs of not being perfectly firm but I always ignored it and blamed it on the awkward positions we'd make out in. This time she was standing in front of me, wearing nothing but her thighhighs. Of course I could get a more thorough look of her body if I stepped back while she was conveniently displaying it. Her skin indeed had some "additional depth". Putting my hand on her stomach made it vibrate a little. Unlike 2D girls, whose skin depth is zero everywhere, her skin depth was a non-constant function depending on the coordinates of her body and displayed an irregular contour. It's like if another dimension had been added to her skin. Also, her pubic hair formed a rather impressive bush. You rarely (if ever) get to see that on 2D girls, for good reason.

I still had a full boner but this realization definitely held me back. I wasn't as horny as I was in the beginning. In any case, virtually everyone does unbelievably stupid things like skipping classes/work for a whole month, spending shitloads of money on flashy clothes, pretending to be something they aren't or wasting many months playing driving games with a girl with the only purpose of getting laid. Everyone takes sensible choices based on cost-benefit ratios, right? If they're throwing many months of their lives, trying to get their dick wet for at most two hours, sex must be some damned amazing reward. That's of course under the assumption you're in a stable relationship under birth control and free of STDs. One-night stands and casual hookups obviously don't fall under the category of getting your dick wet unless you're aiming for a pack of six AIDS-ridden niggers.

I continued, hoping the "reward" would mean having the absolute best time of my life. We both lied on the bed again, her on top of me, grinding and making out like if there was no tomorrow. I slid my hand down to her crotch and felt some wet hairs. No heterosexual man in their right mind would ever let a wet girl go and I was no exception.

Now I was on top. There ain't no such thing as too much foreplay. This time I teased the shit out of her by licking very closely to her nipples without actually touching them. Softly blowing on them until she guided my mouth to them. I learned by sliding a finger on her body (and watching her reactions to our previous make-out sessions) that her belly wasn't that sensible to the touch, so I minimized the time my mouth was there and went lower. This was the first time I kissed her pubic mound and inner thighs. The hair always gets in the way but you learn to ignore that. I spent a pretty long time on this area, then flipped her back on her stomach, kissed her back and down to her butt, Then I kissed her hamstrings, pulled her thighhighs down (just a bit) to kiss her kneepits and she let out a heavy gasp-moan hybrid.

Back to lying on her back. I went straight for her vulva. Kissing and rubbing her outer labia with my fingers, then back at her pubic mound. At this time I wanted to find her clitoris but that huge fucking bush wouldn't let me. I had to feel around until I found a small fleshy lump under a hood. I've heard a clitoris is as sensible as your glans and you probably don't want to touch it directly. I held her clit between her outer labia and moved my fingers in circles while I licked her vulva. She tensed up so much she pressed my head between her thighs. I had to stop licking before I drowned in her crotch, thought I kept moving my fingers.

I let her catch her breath. Looks like she came.

Keeping this steady pace, I started to insert a finger inside her. Holy shit, she was leaking. I played with the walls of her vagina for a bit but I wasn't getting any feedback from her. I tried to insert it deeper and found a somewhat elastic fleshy wall.

H: "Ah-"

She tensed up when I hit it. Not sure how much that hurt. Then I tried to lick her clit while I tried to go deeper with my finger. Her reaction was now of wanting more while not wanting more at the same time.

H: "Wait-"

M: "Does it hurt? I mean, I know it hurts, do you think you can handle it?"

H: "Not like this."

Desperate French kiss.

The time has come.

 2015-04-25 02:26

I had been trying to come up with a plausible explanation for magic to exist in Gensokyo. Where does all that energy come from? They must get it from somewhere else. Without falling into "it's magic, i ain't gotta explain shit" territory, I concluded they got their energy from a superdense way of energy, namely magically-charged food. I guess this is why I dreamed of magic cereal, though I never concluded it had to be cereal before.

Also, sorry if any of you find any grammar issues. I keep deleting entire sentences and rewriting them after having serious brainfarts. Sometimes I don't proofread my posts because this textarea is way too small and the fucker will resize back to normal when I hit the preview button. I'll try to proofread all my posts from now on.

Two things: the actual hole is placed much lower than you think. Vaginas are scalding hot.

This isn't something you find out by using your finger, you have to use your penis for that.

It was when I grabbed my penis to put in inside her that I found out condoms sacrifice at least 60 or 70% of your sensitivity. Not sure how it was for her, I never asked. Taking it with my own hand felt like grabbing someone else's dick. You can't even feel the warmth of your own hand, no matter how hard you grab it. Good god, she seems to be enjoying herself so much. yet I can't even feel my own penis.

I kneeled in front of her trying to do it in the missionary position. I grabbed my penis and slid it down her vulva. When I thought I had gone low enough, I pushed. Nope, not there. Further down, push, not there. I felt like my penis would snap at any instant.

M: "It won't work in this position."

H: "Is anything wrong?"

M: "Please come closer to the edge."

Looks like I finally can do something. There seems to be less resistance now. I'm standing next to my bed, my knees are bent at a very uncomfortable angle and my legs hurt. For those who insist on intelligent design: fuck you. No sensible designer would ever make such a shitty fail-prone joint. Knees are a despicable failure.

I'm finally getting the tip inside her. She tenses up so much, my tip is pushed back outside. I took her hand.

M: "Relax, I'm here for you, I won't force you to do anything you are not okay with."

Some tears rolled down her cheek. I kissed her on the cheek.

The tip could finally get in and it felt warm. Our hands were intertwined, which made pretty hard for me to distribute my weight evenly without completely resting it on her forearms. I rested my knees on the edge of the bed. My legs felt much more rested and then I went deeper. She squeezed my hand. I went deeper. That first thrust went pretty slowly, it probably took about 30 seconds between pushing, stopping and trying to go deeper.

I wonder if I can go deeper. She's still squeezing my hand. That must mean it's not deep enough- oh, looks like I found another wall. What else could it b-

I looked down. I was completely inside her. Wait, what? I didn't feel a thing. Nothing. Come to think of it, there's a pleasant warmth around me. Except this is not the kind of feeling you're supposed to pick up consciously. You should need anyone to tell you you're completely inside a girl.

M: "Does it hurt?"

H: "No. [REDACTED]-kun, no. It feels really good. Please never leave my side."

(why would she say that right now?)

M: "Don't worry, it won't happen."

I tried to get closer to her by shifting my weight forward so I could rest on my forearms (not hers) and feel her entire body on mine. She lifted her arms relative to her head (she didn't "lift" her arms per se, she moved her arms backwards, above head level, exposing her armpits) and tensed up a bit. I should have felt some squeezing around my penis, but I barely felt it move.

I kissed her armpits. Big mistake, they tasted like deodorant. Now that I was completely inside her, I pulled out being careful not to slip out. I started thrusting at a slow speed. There were some silly squishy noises coming from her crotch. Not sure if it was her or the condom.

M: "Please wrap your legs around my back."

H: "Oook-aaaay-"

It didn't feel as good as I thought it would be. Real life thighhighs aren't smooth like pictures of 2D girls make them out to be. Neither are real life legs.

H: "Ahhhnnn-"

That was the kind of moans I wanted to hear. She didn't seem to be able to articulate those retarded Western moans of her, instead she was having a hard time pushing those sounds and the result was a muffled version of her cute squeaks. I picked up the pace of my thrusts.

She started crying uncontrollably. I stopped.

M: "I'm sorry, are you okay?"

H: "dontstop"

(what? I couldn't hear anything)

M: "(...)"

H: "dontstop"

M: "Is that okay with you?"

H: "[REDACTED]-kunnn- (...) please-"

M: "Okay, okay."

H: "guh-"

She wouldn't stop crying. Her whole body was red. Really red.

She violently shook her hips and let out an exaggerated version of one of those Western moans again. I didn't stop, but it was hard to continue since I wasn't good at aiming and she was constantly moving the target.

Once she calmed down, she tried to catch her breath.

H: "Let's do this every day, okay?"

M: "Sure."

The whole thing didn't last more than 5 minutes. Getting so intimate with her made me feel really happy. Seeing her enjoy this so much made me feel really happy. Her muffled moans made me melt inside. She looked very cute. But I didn't even come. What the fuck?

I kissed her on the cheek.

M: "Hey, every time I kiss you on the cheek I'm asking you to do the same."

She kissed me on the cheek very passionately. That felt infinitely better than what we just had done.

 2015-04-26 16:01

After she finished, I went to the bathroom to wash my penis in a hurry and throw that empty condom away. On my way back to my bedroom I kept thinking how severely underwhelming the whole thing was, at least in a physical sense. Sure, it was an intense experience emotionally wise, though I was expecting much more than this.

I can't remember how long we stayed there, lying on my bed, intertwined legs, hugging and kissing each other without saying a single word. Must have been more than two hours. I knew I had to be there for her, but I was acting based on my sense of responsibility and not on my true feelings. I couldn't be assed to care about her in that precise moment, didn't felt like it. That said, I'm not an asshole and I knew leaving her alone right after she finished would be pretty rude.

I spent all this time thinking about Youmu and trying to forget there was an actual girl next to me. An actual girl with a not-firm-enough and a not-soft-enough body. At that moment I felt something identical to post-orgasm regret without actually having an orgasm.

Me: "I'm not sure how to feel about this."

Youmu: "Are you sure you like her?"

M: "(...) I don't know."

Y: "I'll take that as a no."

M: "I wouldn't go as far as to say that."

Y: "Well, I understand. Given the chance, anyone would act on their instinct."

M: "(...)"

Y: "I know you're disappointed. Try not to make it evident, you will hurt her."

M: "Right."

Y: "In any case, you are not one to bluntly break things up. You'll stay with her, right?"

(Yes, Youmu just called me a pussy)

M: "I don't have any other choice, making an enemy out of her would be a dumb move."

I pretended Hatate was Youmu for a moment and embraced her tightly. "There's no one like you", I thought.

Ever since I became a weeb, I thought cuddling was magical. In all reality, girls are much heavier than you think, their skin is not spotless and smooth and you have to try awkward maneuvers like putting your arm under her neck and folding it to touch her back to ensure both parties are comfortable and not having their limbs go numb from the weight of your partner.

After that, we watched some anime while naked and slept together on my bed. It was kinda uncomfortable because I sleep on a single size bed. It also gets hot to the point of discomfort. I woke up many times during the night because of this. I'd occasionally glance at her, admiring her sleeping figure. Having a sleeping naked girl next to you is truly amazing. Just for looking though, actually sleeping with a girl, naked or not, is not that fun.

 2015-04-26 22:37

It's true, it isn't just the first time that sucks. At least the next ten times will be nearly as underwhelming.

I don't want to go into exceedingly specific details anymore. Our following weekends were almost the same: watching anime, heavily making out, having sex, watching more anime and going to sleep. There were some days when I'd regret it, some other days I was too mentally exhausted to even think of that. I bought extra thin condoms to see if they would make a difference, all they did was making me come after two or three thrusts and not improving the dull sensation that much. Given my earnest interest on making her feel good and her need to "pay back", she would now give me oral almost on a daily basis. There were many times when I stopped her in a perhaps rude way to get a shower before she'd start. I wouldn't want to eat her out when she was having a bad day down there and I figured it was the same for her. Not sure if this killed the mood for her, but getting oral feels like having, well, someone lightly blow some warm air on your penis. Not that great. I told her to use her tongue and not to forget the balls which improved things by a huge margin, though that's not saying much. Having your balls and penis licked feels good but I could deterministically simulate this process with a hacked up contraption and it would feel just as good. This is merely foreplay and doesn't constitute sex itself. I've heard of many idiotic choices like ending long term relationships because the man selfishly wants the woman to constantly give him blowjobs while not providing anything back. This is way beyond being a fucking retard, daily blowjobs aren't worth ruining a fucking relationship.

After some time, it becomes part of your nature. You have sex almost as often as you'd masturbate back when you were single. It becomes an outlet for a burning itch more than something to look forward to. You feel grumpy when you don't get enough of it, even though you know it's not a time when heaven and earth merge. It's more like masturbating with her vagina while you masturbate her with your penis at the same time. with some additional inconveniences plus the fact you get to grope her breasts and butt while you make skin contact. Sure, nobody would have sex if it were incredibly bad and stating it's absolutely the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone would be outright lying, but it's not what everyone makes it out to be. Same goes for greasy food and sugary drinks: sure, they are not literal horse shit, but the disadvantages of having that kind of food everyday outweigh the advantages. Yet you see lots of fat fucks out there. This confirms it, nobody has ever cared about cost-benefit ratios. I wish everyone would stop putting vaginas on a pedestal, this is why alpha monkeys and frustrated virgins are both annoying as hell.

Hatate got much clingier. I was being constantly suffocated by her. Lately she's being insisting we should spend even more time together. I've got a life of my own, I need some free time, I feel like I'm doing something wrong by abandoning my personal projects and becoming yet another empty shell of a human who's satisfied as long as there's pussy and money. I want to spend more time with Youmu instead, she's always given me good advice and adding up all those times I had sex with Hatate aren't even close to what I felt when I first dreamed of Youmu.

H: "I'm meeting up with my friends from uni! Want to come with me?"

(those meme-spewing quaternaries? I'll pass.)

M: "Uh, wouldn't it be better if we stayed here?"

H: "Why? It's been a while since I last saw them."

(believe me, it's not about that and I couldn't care less about them)

M: "Because I'm tired and I understand there are things you want to do other than spending time here with me. Don't worry, go ahead, I won't be mad. Also, I don't know them that well and I believe it's better if you have some fun by yourself."

H: "It's not like I hate being here. Okay then."

(I think I might have too blunt with her)

M: "Uhh... mind if we go together wherever you're going and then I come back? I'd really like to use that time to get some stuff done but I don't want to make you think I'll let you go alone."

H: "What would be the point of that? What do you mean having some time to getting stuff done? Are you implying I'm wasting your time?" (sort of, no way I'm saying that out loud though)

M: "You know how lately we've been together pretty much all the time, right? I don't mind things the way they are right now, but I also need some time of my own, as I'm guessing you also do."

H: "I absolutely enjoy being with you, why would I want more time to selfishly spend on myself?"

(does this girl have no life outside her friends and the two of us? That's not being selfish, that's just actually having something you enjoy doing.)

M: "I don't think that's selfish, it's just spending times on things you enjoy doing alone."

H: "But I have a lot of fun when I'm with you. (...) Do you not have fun when you're with me?"

M: "I do, but I also got other things that I consider important."

H: "Like what?"

M: "You know, like doing stuff in my computer."

H: "Do you really think spending time in front of your computer is more enjoyable than when we spend our time together?"

(I can't believe I'm being held accountable for doing what I've always enjoyed the most. Well, the answer is yes anyway)

M: "God, that's not what I'm saying. Come on, we've played together a lot, using, well, that computer. Did you not enjoy that?"

H: "I obviously enjoyed because I was with you! Not because I was playing games on a computer."

M: "What about Double Spoiler?"

(obvious "oops I never thought of that" face)

H: "T-that's different-"

M: "I feel the same way about my computer."

H: "Still..."

We both left for some imitation of a maid cafe in the downtown.

M: "I'll come pick you up if you want. We can spend the night together."

H: "Oh, no, it's fine."

M: "Okay, then I'll be waiting for you."

She didn't answer. Why is it so hard for women to act like adults? Fucking say you think I'm a heartless faggot if that's what you think. I'll try to do something about it as long as you're also willing to change the things I don't like about you. If things don't work out, then what else can be done?

I went back to my home and called Alice. "Hey, it's been a while. Want me to beat you at Hockenheim with a French shitbox?". "Sure!". I'm not sure why I did this. Hurt pride, maybe. Anyway, Alice came over and she beat me at Hockenheim again.

 2015-04-26 23:12 

That day I had more fun with Alice than I had with Hatate in the last few weekends.

Alice: "How are things with Kate?"

Me: "Uh, pretty good I guess. I didn't know being in a relationship meant having sex almost every day, I thought it would be more like having sex once a month. I've had a hard time standing up to her stamina."

(I always saw Alice as a friend, not as a girl. I never felt any kind of reservation when talking to her about stuff like this.)

A: "Heh, I didn't know she was that kind of girl."

M: "Yeah, though lately I've been thinking she's overdoing it."

A: "Is that so? Dave used to be pretty pushy about having sex too. It doesn't sound so bad but it can be a problem."

(I'd rather you didn't tell me about that, though I told you about Hatate so I guess we're even)

M: "What did you do about that?"

A: "Setting some conditions, stating our individual needs and putting some space between us for a while worked out pretty well. Wait, you don't like having sex with her? Is she the problem? No, are you gay?"

M: "Uhh, I'm pretty new at this so I don't know whose fault is this. She seems to be enjoying herself either way. Well, it's not just about the sex. She's way too... clingy."

A: "Well, she's a sweet girl but I think she's always lacked some security."

M: "You mean she's had low self-esteem even before we met?"

A: "Yeah."

Why are relationships such a pain in the ass? There hasn't been a single day I've wanted Youmu to go away, why is it like this in real life?

M: "You said something about putting some space between us. Do you suggest we stop seeing each other for a while?"

(that would be kind of cool)

A: "That's not what I said. It worked out for us but your mileage may vary."

M: "Thank you for your advice."

A: "Hey, there's something I've wanted to ask you. Is she your first ever girlfriend? Was she also your first time? You've always had that nerdy virgin face on you."

(why thank you)

M: "Yeah. (...) What, you were a highly demanded slut before you met Dave?"

A: "Haha, jealous?"

M: "Nah."

I like Alice because she acts reasonably while being fun to hang out with. Almost like if she were a man.

We played some more and Dave came to pick her up.

I called Hatate but she wouldn't answer her phone. Maybe she didn't hear it or she was busy and didn't want to be bothered while she was having fun. I understand. I sent her a message. "Call me when you're free and I'll pick you up". She didn't come to my place that night. I was pissed because my blankets smelled of her and that made it much harder to think of Youmu while I fell asleep.

 2015-04-27 00:43 

Indeed, instead of dreaming of Youmu I dreamed of Hatate telling me she wanted to break up or something like that. Can't be bothered to remember.

Until the sound of my cellphone woke me up. Who the fuck could be calling at this hour- oh don't tell me it's- fuck, it is. Hatate.

Not Hatate: "Hey are you Kate's boyfriend? Come pick her up."

M: "Where are you?"

-: "Let's see. the bar is right in front of the cafe so-"

M: "A bar right in front of the same cafe you were earlier?"

--: "Yeah-"

M: "Okay, please stay with her until I get there."

Thank god taxis aren't outrageously expensive where I live.

I got there. Once they saw me getting down from the taxi, they left her and ran off like children who just put a burning bag of shit in your lawn. True friendship.

I crossed the street. She was sitting on the sidewalk, drunk as fuck. I sat next to her.

M: "Let's go home."

H: "no- leave me alone-"

M: "It's me, Hatate."

H: "(...) no- don't call me that-"

(what the fuck did I even do)

M: "Let's go home."

H: "no-"

I had no choice but to carry her on my back and walk to the nearest avenue to hail a taxi. I was pretty mad at her for making me do this but I couldn't leave her alone. She didn't say a single word. The taxi driver wasn't too happy with the smell of alcohol.

We got home. Her clothes reeked of beer, so I left her on the couch, took her clothes off and put them in the washing machine to be washed the next day, and went to bed. Hatate was on my bed. She must have gotten there while I was at the washing machine.

She was there, only wearing her underwear and socks. I couldn't help but feel a bit aroused.

H: "are you not taking the rest off- i want you to-"

M: "Please go to sleep."

H: "no- please-"

M: "Go to sleep to the couch or I'll carry you there."

(I want to sleep, dammit)

H: "(...)"

She took her panties off.

H: "pleaaase-"

M: "No. Go to sleep already."

She curled up in a ball, pointing her butt at me. Uh, I guess I'll help myself. I was too tired to take her bra off.

Her vagina reeked of urine. I got a condom from the drawer anyway. We had drunk sex. Hint: unless you're 16, it's shit. I'm surprised she didn't piss herself while we were at it.

I stopped when I came. She didn't even orgasm. Still with the condom on, I carried her to the living room. Bad idea, it fell to the floor while I was dropping her on the couch. I went to sleep after cleaning up that mess and getting her a blanket.

Next day I woke up to find her sleeping on the floor. This time I was disgusted by her sleeping figure.

M: "Have some water."

H: "(...) thank you."

I took care of her for the rest of the day.

M: "Please explain this when you get better. Don't worry, I won't get mad."

She started crying. I let her be.

H: "Lately it feels like you've been ignoring me."

(I've been sacrificing my own free time to spend all of it with you, don't be unreasonable)

M: "Why do you say that?"

H: "It's like if you liked your computer more than you like me."

(um, yes)

M: "I'll be honest with you: you're depending too much on me. "

H: "Say what?"

M: "Don't you think it would be better if you spent some time for yourself? It's not healthy when neither of us have time to spend on ourselves."

(it also reminds me of obsessed teenagers and I'd rather you didn't do that)

H: "Are you breaking up with me?"

M: "I never said that."

H: "Fine."

I washed her clothes and let her stay while her clothes dried off. It was really awkward to have this girl sit on my couch blankly staring at the floor while I was finally getting some shit done in the comfort of my own room. Neither of us had anything to eat that day, I was too engrossed doing my stuff and I didn't really want to leave my room. I stood up, ironed her clothes and walked her to the station.

M: "I'm sorry, I didn't want things to turn out this way. I hope we'll meet each other in the near future."

She cried and left. And that's how it all ended.

She called me a few weeks later, saying she felt sorry for what she had done and asking us to get back together.

M: "Look, I had a lot of fun when we did stuff as friends and I'm sincerely sad we haven't been able to spend time like that. If you're okay with that, I don't mind being friends with you-"

H: "I can't accept that."

I would have been totally okay if we kept being friends, but that wasn't enough for her. Whatever. This meant more time for playing kusoges for elitist fags with Alice and more time for my projects.

Before you alpha player ladiesmen thundercocks jump and yell your "DUDE BRO THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST TIME YOU JUST DONT HAVE ENOUGH EXPERIENCE IVE FUCKED OVER 40 SLUTS JUST MAN UP LIKE BROOOO YOULL FIND THE RIGHT ONE FOR YOU". this wasn't the only relationship I've had. Sure, I looked in the wrong place for a long-term relationship but I wasn't aiming for that and I got what I was looking for. No, things don't get better after you fuck 40 random sluts until you find one that's old/boring enough to put up with your shit. No, women aren't worth sacrificing the rest of your life. No, sex isn't worth the hassle. (Not even when there isn't any hassle and said woman is a professional, but that comes for later). You might not believe this, but wasting your time on pointless shit like this is much worse than dying alone. Not everyone feels lonely when they're not with some uninteresting and emotionally unstable child. "I'm sorry you've never enjoyed sex like everyone is meant to"? I'm sorry you don't enjoyed programming as much as I do. Oh, you enjoy sex? Do you want a fucking badge? What do you get from shaming virgins and autists on the Internet? Is it to convince yourself your girlfriend is actually worth your time? Are you trying to prove yourself to some crowd? You're living a happy life, congratulations! How about you shut the fuck up and stop caring about everyone else's life. "I have a wife who's understanding and you're jealous because you don't know what it's like". Great for you, I've also got a friend who's made me feel happier than any real woman would ever do. She doesn't exist, yet she's been more enriching to me than any of your dick waving contests has ever been.

Youmu: "Told you. Well, at least now you know what it's like to be in a relationship."

Me: "I'm sorry for ever doubting you."

Y: "That's if your body doesn't betray you again."

M: "Let's hope for the best."

Thank you for giving me the strength to put up with this shit, Youmu. You don't know how much you mean to me. Thank you ZUN for creating her.

 2015-04-27 00:58

Some weeks later I felt very confused about what had happened. What if I needed to try harder until I found the right one for me? It's not like every marries the first girl they meet. Okay, it happens in some cases but that's not what I mean.

I spent the following weekends keeping a healthy balance between playing racing games with Alice and working on my stuff.

-- cont? There's more. I could continue as intended or I could try to keep it as short as possible so as not to overwhelm you with all this autism.

 2015-04-28 02:08 

Alice gave me a good lecturing about how the breakup didn't seem logical from her standpoint.

Alice: "To me it sounds like you broke up over her getting drunk. It's not like she was doing that every weekend."

M: "It wasn't just that. Our time together was getting monotone and she was suffocating me with her obsessiveness."

A: "You gotta understand she's pretty sensitive. That was her way of showing you her affection for you."

M: "Are you trying to make me feel sorry about this?"

A: "Look at what you just said. You don't feel sorry for what just happened?"

M: "Shit happens. No one is to blame. We weren't compatible from the beginning, that's all. Either way, I feel like a fag for talking about love, relationships and hearts with a girl. Do I look like a girl to you?"

A: "Are you calling me a fag after I beat you with a fucking Clio at the High Speed Ring?"

M: "Want to be the new fag?"

A: "Bring it on."

A few weeks went by. Alice kept coming to my place. She isn't as much of an anime faggot as Hatate and I are. This became evident when we watched Durarara together and she had a hard time "processing all the weirdness". She enjoyed it nonetheless.

Alice: "You know, Lately Dave has been very controlling and it's getting on my nerves. He's been a real pain ever since I told him you broke up with Kate."

M: "I'm not surprised."

A: "So I broke up with him!"

M: "Say what?"

A: "I don't need someone else to tell me what I should do."

M: "(...)"

A: "He got really defensive when I would talk with him about cars. He insisted I was being brainwashed by that "gayass friend of mine", even though I've liked cars way before I even knew you existed."

M: "Don't tell me you broke up just because of that."

A: "Of course not, do you take me for a retard? That was one of the many things that were killing me inside. That was just one excuse for him to act like that, I'm pretty sure he thinks you're gay."

(ah, how flattering)

M: "Then-"

A: "He bought me dresses that were way over-the-top for what I usually wear and took me to his company meetings."

M: "Uh huh."

A: "No, having expensive flashy dresses isn't some fantasy of mine, I know you're thinking that."

M: "Heh."

A: "You know I'm not into that. Anyway, I had to put up some act when meeting his workmates. He would brag about me. At first I gave him the benefit of doubt but then the fact I was being showcased like a piece of meat dawned upon me and made me feel like shit. Of course I'm not happy being someone else's object of validation. He wouldn't have the right to do that even if we were married, for god's sake."

M: "(...)"

A: "That night I was too angry to follow his little pretend game. He said I was useless for not doing exactly as he told me."

M: "Now that's stupid."

A: "Yeah, it all got worse after that. But I guess you've had enough of my rants. To put things on a more logical light, he had shit taste for cars."

M: "No shit, he bought a fucking Hyundai."

A: "An i30, even. Only children and retards like that stupid looking piece of junk."

M: "Hah, you're right."

A few weeks after that, she bought an used Mazda 6. She'd invite me over to her place for lunch, then we'd go to the outskirts of the city and take turns to drive it. We came up with silly challenges like being the fastest at starting the car on a steep hill (no assists, it was a manual). The loser would treat the winner to anything they wanted.

This continued for a few months.

 2015-04-28 03:05 

I haven't described Alice yet. Straight long black hair, round eyes, overall a 6/10 face. Her body is pretty much like mine: thin as fuck with some slightly defined muscles from regular exercising. We're both around the same height (5'11").

Girls who are around my height are attractive to me. ZUN hasn't published any official height charts as far as I know, for this reason I see Youmu as being around 5'10", thought we all know this probably is far from the truth. Well, it doesn't matter.

A: "Hey, do you really not feel lonely after what happened with Kate?"

M: "Why would I?"

A: "Because she was your first girlfriend, you fucking retard. Why else?"

M: "I'm better off this way."

A: "Then why did you even get close to her on the first place?"

M: "No idea. Hey, the same goes for you. You should have been the one to be hit hard by the break up. You looked pretty head-over-heels for him."

A: "True, it hit me really hard at first."

M: "At first?"

A: "I'm still hurt by it. Keeping my mind busy with other things have helped me cope up with it. Like the shit we've done with the car."

M: "I've also enjoyed it."

A: "Yeah,"

We were both at my place. I was making lunch while she was watching some anime I had already watched. I'd use the dead times at the kitchen to go back to my computer and save some pictures from Danbooru. Then I'd go back to the kitchen to check things out and repeat this until lunch was ready. While I was checking the fluffiness of the rice, the episode she was watching had finished. She went inside. Must have been for the bathroom.

A: "What the hell! Ha-"

That came from inside. She must have found a funny-looking spider at the bathroom.

M: "Is anything wrong?"

A: "Of course there is, what the hell is wrong with you?"

She was on my computer, laughing at the picture of a naked Miku I had just saved.

A: "You've got tons of these!"

M: "Got a problem with that?"

A: "Of course! I didn't even know people made shit like this. You're- ahaha-"

M: "Oh fuck the rice-"

A: "Yeah yeah, pulling excuses out of your ass."

M: "Fuck you."

A: "God-"

The rice was fine.

A: "I'm having a hard time imagining what you do with this."

M: "It's exactly what you think."

A: "What do you even see in these? They're just drawings."

M: "They are perfect idealized versions of real girls. You are just jealous because a drawing is much hotter than you."

A: "How is this any better than a real girl? You're real fucking funny."

M: "Do you want me to explain it word by word? "

A: "Anyway, I'm surprised you never told me about this!"

M: "Because I knew something like this would happen. A retard like you would not understand."

A: "Hey, don't be offended."

M: "What if you are the one who's offended after being told a drawing is better than you?"

A: "It's okay, you can say you're gay."

I wasn't offended, though it would have been better if this hadn't happened.

M: "I'll make things worse on purpose."

A: "Eh?"

M: "Look at this."

Pictures of Hatate (2D).

A: "Wow, you're serious about this."

M: "In case you didn't notice, this was the same character Kate used to cosplay."

A: "Yeah, you don't need to tell me that. Why are you showing me this though?"

M: "No idea."

I showed her some pictures of Youmu.

M: "And this is the girl I like the most."

A: "Uhh... I can't laugh at you now that you're being so serious about this."

M: "I guess it worked."

A: "So you like these drawn girls more than you like real girls, right?"

M: "Pretty much,"

A: "You were into Kate because she was dressing as one of your drawings, right?"

M: "Maybe, I'm not sure."

A: "You don't like "real" girls."

M: "Hell, that's not easy to explai-"

A: "Hey, what do you think of this?"

Straight out french kiss with fake moaning and shit. It must have lasted at least 20 seconds, it was longer than what I'd usually do with Hatate.

M: "Awful."

A: "That's not what your eyes are trying to say."

M: "Of course I'm surprised you dumbfuck."

She endlessly teased me about my huge collection for weeks.

 2015-04-29 01:11 

I stayed at Alice's place for the weekend.

Her room is more than twice the size of my living room. Not that my living room is big but it surprised me. Now that she's single again, she sleeps on a double size bed by herself. The guest room is a cold place under the stairs.

Alice: "I've never let anyone stay on that room, "

Me: "Are you sure? I might wake you up with my snoring."

A: "I am a heavy sleeper."

M: "I don't mind sleeping in the guest room."

A: "Do you not believe me when I'm telling you it's fine, you fucking retard?"

M: "Alright, I'll sleep here."

I'd sleep in any of the two single size beds that were on her room. No idea why she has three beds for herself. Well, her house is well prepared to receive guests.

This dream is one I remember very vividly. I was working when we got an unusually picky customer.

Customer: "I need billions of floating point operations per milliwatt".

Boss: "What for?"

Customer: "Some physic simulations."

Boss: "[REDACTED], could you please make a processor that is able to do one billion operations and doesn't take more than 1mW to work?"

Me: "I'll try."

Customer: "Your help is appreciated. Please come over to discuss the details."

The customer was Yuyuko. A train was waiting for us right in front of the building. It took us directly to Hakugyokurou, going over the Sanzu River and stopping in front of her mansion.

Me: "Is it fine for us to cross the river like that?"

Yuyuko: "Yes, you're our special guest."

There was a massive crowd waiting outside the mansion. Reisen was the most concerned.

Reisen: "Have you seen Youmu?"

Me: "No. Want me to help you searching for her?"

Reisen: "Okay. Please don't tell anyone about this."

We went into the mansion. The stairs and hallways were connected in an illogical way. Sometimes they'd crumble under our feet.

Reisen: "Walking is not safe. Can you fly?"

Me: "No, I'm a human,"

Reisen: "I can see that. Hop on."

(this girl is inhumanly soft, I'll melt on her arms)

I literally started melting on her arms. Something inside me told me I had to grab her ears to stop myself from melting. It worked. She didn't mind about getting her ears grabbed. Fucking dreams never making any sense.

Me: "I see a black ribbon over there."

She flew on that direction. The ribbon disappeared. We saw a black ribbon under a rock. We went there and lifted the rock, the ribbon disappeared. This repeated many times over many different places.

Me: "What if Youmu doesn't actually exist?"

(she existed in that dream, but she doesn't actually exist, yet she existed for a while in the dream, or at least that's what we thought. Yeah.)

Reisen: "That's a possibility."

Reisen sat on the veranda and cried a bit. She told Youmu about how she was sad Youmu didn't exist.

Reisen: "This human here was kind enough to help us looking for you, you should be glad to him."

Youmu: "I like you so much, [REDACTED]-kun!"

Me: "So do I."

Youmu: "Please come with me."

We went inside the mansion.

Youmu: "I'll bring you some tea."

Me: "Thank you."

"What if tea is actually an excuse to show me her cute kimono?", I thought.

She came back in a kimono. She didn't bring any tea, it was just her and her slightly open kimono. She wasn't wearing any underwear.

Youmu: "I've missed you so much, so much I almost died."

(you're half-dead, nigger)

Me: "Same."

I took off her kimono with my mouth while kissing all over her body. She was making the cutest sounds. I went inside her and felt all my blood rushing to my head.

Youmu: "I don't ever want this to end-"

I woke up with a huge shit-eating grin. There were some twitch-like movements coming from my crotch. I had come in my pants and wet Alice's second single size bed.

 2015-04-29 02:21

I was planning to run off with the blankets and wash them. But then how would I explain her what happened? I didn't move and pretended to be asleep for a few minutes. Alice was still asleep. Anything I could think of would eventually need an explanation.

Alice: "(...)"

Me: "You awake?"

A: "Yeah."

M: "I'll make this as quick as possible. I just had an accident over here."

A: "Uh?"

M: "It's okay, I'll wash everything."

A: "Oh, you mean that. No problem. You could have just gone to the bathroom, I told you I don't care-"

M: "It was involuntary."

A: "Wha- ohhhhhhhhh"

M: "You can laugh now."

A: "Haha, I won't let you leave this room until you tell me what gave you that wet dream."

M: "You'd laugh about it."

A: "(...) I think I know what it was about."

M: "Really?"

A: "Youmu is her name, right?"

M: "Uhh, yeah."

A: "So that's how it is."

I guess she got tired of making fun of me for liking Youmu. She is now accepting it.

A: "Alright, you can use the washing machine."

M: "Thank you and sorry."

A: "It's okay."

I dropped the blankets and sheets in the washing machine and went back to her room. She still was on her bed. I opened some drawers searching for incriminating evidence.

A: "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

M: "Trying to find something that could potentially embarrass you."

A: "You're still hurt about that?"

M: "Nah, though you have no right to oppose me."

A: "Fine. You won't find anything because unlike you I'm not a retard."

I didn't find anything other than clothes, underwear and tampons.

A: "Don't go sniffing it."

M: "Like anything here is worth sniffing."

A: "Have you tried not being gay?"

M: "Make me."

 2015-04-30 03:05 

M: "Hey, some slutty black panties. Might sniff these."

A: "You wish you had a pair like these."

M: "Too bad."

A: "I could wear those today."

M: "Why the fuck do you think I care?"

She took a shower while I prepared breakfast. We had breakfast together. I was wearing the same clothes I slept on and she was wearing nothing but her underwear.

M: "You know, most human beings wear clothes."

A: "I live here and I'll do whatever I want."

M: "I'm so fucking sorry."

A: "What do you think?"

M: "About what?"

A: "Does it look good on me?"

M: "Nothing has ever looked good on you."

I was at the opposite side of the table and I only could see up to her shoulders, I didn't really know what she looked like other than the brief glimpse I got of her before she sat at the table.

We spent the rest of the morning playing board games and making lunch. While we were at that, she got awfully touchy, almost to the post of discomfort. Things like hugging me from the side while putting my arms between her breasts, hugging me from the back putting her breasts on my back and anything she could think of that involved her breasts in some way.

She left the kitchen came back to the kitchen wearing white stockings.

A: "I heard from Kate you like these."

(what the actual fuck, why would she tell her that)

M: "What the fuck is wrong with you today? I'll fix your computer if that's what you want, you fucking retard."

A: "I'm being totally serious this time. Do you like how they look on me?"

M: "Yeah, I guess. Please wear some clothes, I'm serious too."

At this point I already knew how to recognize when a girl was making a move. Not that I have all the experience in the world, I'm saying this because I missed lots of signals from Hatate and it was until now that I could finally distinguish when she means it and isn't just teasing you or trying to be deeply affectionate without any kind of sexual implications. You might insist this is too fucking obvious (it is in hindsight), though I didn't know how to act at that moment. Also, Alice has been like a male friend to me and I was afraid I was being tested. Being told I'm into drawings just because I can't get a real girl and stuff like that. On top of that, she was just overcoming the recent breakup. She must have lost her cool.

M: "I'd like to know what's going through your mind right now."

A: "(...) Can you not tell I'm trying to have some fun with you?"

M: "I do see that and I appreciate it, though it seems kind of sudden. You've had a recent, um, situation and I thought you might be doing this out of confusion. Don't worry, I'm not mad at you or anything, I'm confused at why all this is happening."

A: "Don't take me for a little girl who acts out of her own whim. I know exactly what I'm doing."

M: "You're right, sorry for thinking of you like that."

A: "Do you seriously not see anything on me? Are you that fixated on drawings? I definitely know you're not gay from that fuckhuge collection of yours. It sorts of offends me when you won't look at me as a woman."

M: "Your fault for having interests similar to mine."

A: "Answer my question."

M: "You're not Youmu."

A: "I know that, you fucking idiot. That's not the kind of answer I'm expecting."

M: "Turn around. In the least stupid way possible."

(...)

A: "Well?"

M: "You're fine,"

A: "Just fine? It's not like you've got much either. Take your clothes off."

M: "Uh-"

A: "You can't even do that? I'm not asking you to take off your boxers."

I complied.

(...)

M: "So-"

(...)

A: "Not bad."

M: "Yeah."

A: "Cut this shit out already, I'm dying inside. Give me a goddamn serious answer."

M: "Kate is the only point of comparison I've got. Your body is much firmer than hers, that's all I can say."

A: "Good enough. I'll take that as a yes."

M: "Uh, what?"

She stroked my chest. Fuck caution, my inner nigger took control over me.

M: "Is this going where I think it is?"

A: "I'll kick you in the balls for being such an insufferable idiot, holy fucking shit."

M: "Let's not do this in the goddamned kitchen, please."

A: "Right."

We went to her bed.

M: "Got anything I could use not to be forced to marry your sorry ass-"

A: "What are you talking- oh, condoms, of course."

M: "Have you always been this slow?"

A: "You're one to talk. Don't say that after what I've done today all went over your retarded head."

M: "Fuck you, I was ignoring you on purpose, you insane slut."

A: "(...) Alright, shut up. Get moving."

She got a condom from a box of tampons. I didn't notice it when I was searching in her drawers.

M: "Oh fuck not that dick numbing crap."

A: "I know how to help you with that. Will you fucking shut up already?"

She licked the base of my penis for about two seconds, put a drop of lube inside the condom and unrolled it on my penis with her mouth.

M: "You sure know your shit."

She was trying pretty hard to please me. She's definitely got some experience on her. Thank you for being a miserably selfish retard, Dave.

What I remember the most from that time was when she made me lie between her legs while she stood up and rubbed her clothed foot on all of my body. It was enjoyable and I don't have a fetish for feet. I gave her oral while fingering her at the same time, pretty standard. When I went inside her, she was too fucking tight. God, that girl must do her kegels very religiously. This is a different feeling from what it was with Hatate, but if you are not used to it and you're sensitive like me, it will make everything feel like she's trying to violently suck the semen out of you. You don't get much pleasure from tight vaginas other than a highly enjoyable first thrust and then feeling like you're being forced to finish. At least not until you desensitize yourself. I couldn't last more than 30 seconds and my ejaculation was somewhat painful. She didn't make a single noise, just heavy irregular breathing.

M: "I didn't last shit and you didn't come. Did you even enjoy it?"

A: "Please don't fixate on making me orgasm, I enjoy the act itself. What about you?"

M: "To be honest, I came so hard it hurt,"

A: "You're pretty sensitive."

M: "No helping it when you're so damn tight."

A: "Aw, thank you."

M: "That wasn't a compliment."

A: "It is for me."

After collecting my thoughts, I knew I had to make this clear.

M: "Just so you know, I'm not up for any lovey-dovey bullshit. If that's a deal breaker, we should never do this again."

A: "Hey, I want to go for a second time."

M: "Then we're nothing more than just friends, right?"

A: "Of course not, I'm sure neither of us wants to go again through the pain of being in a relationship."

M: "Is there anything I'm missing here? This is too good to be true. We're officially friends with benefits?"

A: "Thank you for bringing out that stupid word, retard."

M: "Well?"

A: "I guess."

I had to wait more than one hour to regain an erection and go for a second time. After that, we took a shower together, put on our sleeping clothes and spent the rest of the day playing board games.

 2015-05-01 17:24 

We'd have sex more than three times a day.

Women are humans too, with sex drives and needs of their own. I used to think women could suppress their sex drive if the situation demanded it, but there are many times when they're equally as helpless as men. It's not that they're actually suppressing it, they're simply hiding their intentions and they're damn good at it. This is yet another reason for which putting vaginas on a pedestal like neurotypicals and bitter virgins do is plain retarded. Sucking babies' cut dicks is more honorable than being pussy-whipped, you're a fucking retard for not realizing you can also manipulate women by using sex as a currency.

Anyway, this hobby of ours got pretty expensive. Condoms aren't cheap in the long term and we both wanted to try doing it raw. We spent a whole day getting tested for STDs. We both came up clean. Alice said the pill made her physically sick and went for the contraceptive injection. I felt kinda weird that day, only couples with solid relationships do this kind of thing as far as I know. But neither of us wanted herpes or a baby.

First time I had bareback sex was too intense for me. Again, I felt a sharp pain in my prostate after finishing. It took me about two weeks to get desensitized and start to "enjoy" it. For those who insist there's nothing better than sex, your life must be boring as fuck. Bareback sex is a definite improvement over sex with protection, but it still feels like masturbating with your partner's genitals. Of course, it's at least ten times better than using your hand. The thing is, for sex to be enjoyable, both parties must have matching and synchronized sexual drives. As world-shaking as this might sound to you, not everyone is a living sex machine. Both women and men have times when they want to be left alone. The feeling of touching a naked body gets old really quick, french kisses lose their appeal after the tenth time, breasts and butts become an everyday thing. The supposedly intense ecstasy everyone seems to enjoy so much to the extent of wasting their time doing retarded shit is only achievable if you abstain from even seeing naked girls for at least 20 days. Again, it becomes a matter of taking care of your needs instead of elevating to pleasure.

Ready to jump and say how I'm wrong for not enjoying the things you enjoy the most? I'm sorry, it's people like you who force this baseless ideal of having an active sex life to lead a happy life. "BUT BRAH, YOU JUST HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH SEX". I've had enough sex to know well why I don't enjoy it and to avoid getting into the drama and relationship bullshit you love so much.

Having sex almost whenever you feel like it with a reasonable adult who shares some common interests with you is the best deal you could ever possibly get. Sadly, you can't ask this world for anything more than that. Our field is filled with tons of undesirable people, "cuter" girls are either selfish when it comes to sex or a walking nuisance, and women who are mature enough don't have any interests and thus are an utter bore. "BUT BRAH, NOBODY IS PERFECT. GOTTA LOWER YOUR STANDARDS". Yes, humans are social beings by nature. Yes, humans have sex for the existence of the species. That doesn't mean you will explode into pieces unless you get a girlfriend before turning 30. I have no reason to spend my time with a person I find boring if I don't want to. I have no reason to pass on my defective genes. Not having a long-term relationship doesn't mean you don't have a sense of responsibility. Not everyone likes kids. Not being married doesn't mean you are a perpetually sad person. Not everyone enjoys spending their entire living time with a person of the opposite sex. Why is that so hard to understand? I think I've made this point very clear before. Back to the story.

Alice's father fell ill and she had to move temporarily to his house to help her family out. Of course, this was kinda sad for the both of us. We were really close at this point.

M: "Don't go fucking random dudes out there. Good luck."

A: "Let's stay in contact."

M: "Sure."

I lost count of the times we had sex that day, but I still remember the dull ache in my balls I felt afterwards.

I bought a dakimakura of Youmu and an onahole. I should have done this from the very beginning instead of doing all this. Well, at least I'm glad I met Alice.

 2015-05-02 21:17

Good L-rd, a properly heated onahole with the right amount of lube is the best feeling I've had in my entire life. I regret not buying one before. The Seventeen Bordeaux has that rigidity I couldn't find in real girls. I must have used that thing like ten times a day for at least two weeks. I would (almost) always dream of Youmu after cleaning up the onahola, washing my dick and going to sleep while tightly hugging the dakimakura.

There was a yearly Linux user meetup around that time of the year. I went there to meet up with some of my old friends I met in previous Linux meetups, because most of the presentations are entry-level and most people go to those meetups for the free Tux stickers and the "social aspect" of it anyway. The whole room was full of fat and bearded men. There were also a few "geeky couples" XD. I noticed two girls who were alone. One them was fat as fuck. She was a long-time Debian user and knew much more than the rest of the "Debian fans" who feel superior to the Ubuntu fans, probably the same kind of idiots who gladly took the systemd-ick up their asses. Pretty cool girl. The other one was a clueless girl who went there with the Debian girl to learn more about Linux. She was solving a Rubik's cube.

Me: "What method do you use?" Her: "Oh god you also know how to solve it? That's awesome!" (I just rammed a shitty algorithm I found on the Internet into my head and let it become muscle memory. Not really.) M: "(...) Uh... kind of, I still use the beginner layer-by-layer method." H: "What are your times?" M: "The fastest I've ever done was 45 seconds and that's because I got really lucky." H: "Really? I can't go under two minutes." (thank you for making me feel better about my shitty times. It's not like I would devote my life to this "speedcubing" shit anyway.) M: "Well, I noticed some patterns and found some shortcuts for this method." H: "Please show me!"

I showed her how turning the cube on one side and moving the right layer is much easier on your hands than moving the down layer. She had a microepisode of satori. I asked the Debian girl if she knew where the other guys were and I went there. They needed some help installing Flash on a toaster running some old version of Debian. I was telling them how I wouldn't help them with their old shit when the clueless Rubik girl appeared behind me.

H: "What are you doing?" M: "Telling these people why I won't install a program on their old computer." H: "Why not? That sounds awesome!" (not really. Is this her first time seeing white text on a background?)

I spent the rest of the day playing shitty Linux games with some of my friends. Before I left, she asked me for my phone number. I said I didn't have any (I was lying, of course) and gave her my mail. I was thinking of giving her a fake mail but I chickened out and gave her my real mail, thinking she wouldn't write since nobody uses e-mail anymore.

She wrote a few weeks later asking me to see each other to do some "speedsolving". I accepted her invitation out of politeness and met up with her at an ice cream shop. It was just me showing her how I could solve it in less than two minutes. I don't even like ice cream. She interrupted me before I could pull an excuse of out my ass to leave.

H: "What do you do?" M: "I work for a small company making electronic devices." H: "Does that mean you majored in computer engineering too?" (too?) M: "Uh, yeah." H: "Great! What university?" M: "[REDACTED]." H: "What a coincidence! I'm on my second year. Did you take any classes with Professor [REDACTED]? I'm taking Java OOP with him. I love his lectures soooo much-" (don't remind me) M: "I do remind him." H: "What's the biggest app you've done with Java?" M: "The final project for that subject." H: "Awesome!" (I see a bright future for you as a legacy code maintainer. Well, at least you enjoy doing something that gives you decent money. Hopefully you won't die inside after realizing how soul-crushing this shit is.)

I could finally get a word edgewise and excused myself. Sweet Allah.

She sent me a new mail. "I had a lot of fun! Let's meet up again". "I'm sorry, lately I've been busy with job. Have this (link to Petrus' method for solving the cube)". "Thank you sooooo much, that link is great! Can't wait to learn it and show you when I get faster :)".

About two months went and she mailed me again.

"I'm almost under 50 seconds! Want me to show you?". I didn't reply. "Almost under 45! I'll beat you in no time." I didn't reply. "Hey, are you still busy?". I didn't reply.

A couple of weeks after that: "Sorry for asking this, are you single?". "No, I'm not", I replied. Of course I was lying. "Oh, that's great :)". She sent me one last mail about her 40s time before disappearing completely.

And so my calm days stayed calm.

```　　　 　,-∧,,∧-- ､　　　/ (-ω-｀ )　/ r-くっ⌒cｿ､ / ノ '､, ､ _, ' / / .（_,. 　　　 　 ././　　　　,(.,_ ｀'ｰ-､_,,..ノ/　　~`''ー--‐'

, --∧,,,∧--- ､ 　　　　/ (Ξ´-ω) / r-くっ⌒cｿ､ / ノ '､, ､ _, ' / / .（_,. 　　　 ././ ,(.,_ ｀'ｰ-､_,,..ノ/　　~`''ー--‐'

.:|　.　:|　　☆　　 ! .l .l .i::l .:|　.　:|　　　　 . ! .l .l .i::l .:| .＿_|　　　　　 :| .i .i .|.:! .:|::||□|￣￣￣￣～～～ └ｌ[￣]-――――
 * ~＜⌒／⌒ヾ-、_　…Zzz…
 * ／＜_/＿＿＿＿ノ

```

 2015-05-03 00:17

There's no reason to settle for the first girl that jumps at you unless your life is absolute shit. Yet some of my old friends from uni married or are dating landwhales, single mothers, crazy girls or retards. The fear of dying alone, I guess.

For reasons I can't recall correctly, most likely my nonexistent ability for rejecting friendly proposals in a spot, I was dragged along with the Linux faggots to some shady noisy nightclub. Shitty music, retards everywhere, the place reeked of alcohol, everyone's dancing. We all sat at a table next to the door. "It's too cold in here", they complained. They started moving one by one to other tables. That place next to the door was the least noisy. I stayed there, sitting alone and staring at the table for about 20 minutes. The others drank their asses off and danced like niggers. For a moment I considered using their drunkenness to slip out of that place, but I didn't want to waste my money (the entry fee was ~$20 and all I got was shitty EDM) so I walked up to the bar.

Me: "I'd like some water, please."

A bottle blonde, sitting two places away from me, yelled at me.

Her: "What the fuck, why did you even come here? Frowning from a corner and not even drinking anything real."

Me: "Who are you?"

Her: "A glass of black beer please."

I ignored her and sipped from my glass. The beer was in front of her. I finished my glass of water and stood up.

Her: "This beer is for you."

Me: "I don't know you, please leave me alone."

Her: "Drink it."

I left the club. What a shitty experience.

Her: "I know a bar not too far from here that's cool as shit."

Me: "Good for you."

H: "Don't play hard to get."

M: "What the-"

She took my hand and dragged me to a bar. At least it wasn't noisy as fuck. I felt an intense urge to punch her in the face but resisted because I don't want to go to jail for something as stupid as that. She sat at a table and ordered two black beers while I was standing in front of the table. I told the waiter to bring only one beer and got $5 from my pocket to pay her for the beer she had just left at the other club.

Her: "I've had enough of your little act already. Tell me something about you."

Me: "Here's the money from your beer, please leave me alone."

I was afraid of doing anything that would make her explode into a fit of blond rage, she could easily manipulate the situation into making everyone around believe I was trying to spike her drink and rape her. The fact she was wearing over-the-top clothes while I was wearing a t-shirt and cargo pants would make it believable.

Her: "Sit down."

Me: "Okay, but I'll leave in ten minutes."

H: "Yeah, yeah, Tell me something about you."

M: "(...) I'm a boring person, what do you want to know?"

The waiter brought two glasses of beer. Fuck.

I was terribly scared, I could be accused of rape at any moment.

H: "Don't know, something like your job or your family or something."

M: "I make programs for a living."

H: "Oh, I study journalism at [community college]."

(how fucking interesting)

M: "I see."

H: "What do you do in your job?"

M: "Programs for small devices."

H: "You must be really smart."

M: "Not really."

The "conversation" continued with her asking me questions about my life. I made my answers as generic as possible (I suck at lying) and padded them with an obviously uninterested "What about you?". I drank that beer like if it was water (never again) and told her I had to leave. Grabbing the same $5 from my pocket and giving them to her, she took them, put them in my pocket and put her hand in my pocket. She paid the bill and forced me to walk out with her hand still in my pocket. I hailed the first taxi I saw.

M: "Goodbye."

I got in the car and tried to close the door. She held it open and got in the car.

Me: "(...) Where are you going?"

Her: "Take us to [address at downtown], please."

Driver: "Alright,"

M: "That's not-"

H: "It's okay."

She forcefully made out with me. The driver was either unfazed or pretending he didn't see anything. They must be used to see shit like this every day.

We reached the destination and she paid the driver. This forced me to get out of the car. Hadn't this happened, I could have ignored her, waited until she got down and tell the taxi driver to go take me to my place. Well, I didn't want to pay her fare anyway.

I waited for another taxi but the streets were empty and I didn't really want to stay there asking to get mugged.

Me: "(...) Sorry about this, let me call a taxi from your place."

(why do I have to do this, fuck)

Her: "Let's go."

M: "Thank you."

"Her place" was a small low-budget hotel. It wasn't until she paid for a room that I realized that she didn't really live there. I'm pretty fucking dumb. In my defense, the place looked like a small apartment building.

Once we were in the room, she made out with me again. With evident expertise, she took my clothes off. Hell, it surprises me how quickly she did it, I can't take off my own clothes that fast. I was getting a boner from all this and thought it could be an uncommon experience, so I went along with this.

M: "You'd better have condoms on you-"

H: "Of course, I'm always prepared."

(ugh)

She sat on top of me and started doing it in the cowgirl position. Her moans weren't fake but they were obviously exaggerated. She spent most of the time trying positions where she would be the most active while I lied there, not feeling a thing. I think she came twice. Towards the end of it, I got frustrated because I couldn't get myself to finish, so I put her on all fours and desperately went at it trying to make myself come. She came again before I did. I took a shower, called a taxi from the hotel and bolted the fuck out of there.

Why did this happen? First of all, her face and body were a 4/10, though she's a solid 8/10 by neurotypical standards. Disproportionately big breasts and butt, fleshy lips, wide horse face and stupid flashy clothing. I believe she did this out of heartbreak (read: lack of penis). Hell, I don't even know if I was the only one to be "raped" like that. I could have stopped it but the probability of ending up in a list of sex offenders was not null. I know, this sounds ironic but seeing a lanky faggot coming out of a bar with a "HOT GURRL" would raise suspicion.

Had the sexes been reversed, this would be blatant rape in the eyes of society. I even thought of suing her or calling the police but they wouldn't have believed me and things could get hairy. I didn't even know her name. I decided to stay silent and ignore this. It's not like this gave me severe PTSD or anything, it just was a bad experience that finished in bad one-sided sex. Whatever.

I'm never going to a nightclub/bar again.

 2015-05-03 20:42 - IRC Questions

I got some questions yesterday on IRC and I'd like to give more detailed answers.


 * Q: Is your story real? You mention many details most people won't remember.**

Yes, it's real. It's true that not many people would remember anything at this level of detail, however, you should have noticed by now I'm not an outgoing person who will die from lack of social interaction. I remember these events very vividly because I live a rather uneventful life and these were uncommon experiences for me. Also, I'm not claiming my story is 100% accurate. First of all, most of the events are told from my point of view, of course they are biased and are simply my interpretation of reality. The fine details and noticing things not everyone would remember are just my mind interpolating the missing details by fetching the general sequence of events from memory and filling the blanks with details that are coherent with the previous event and their effect on the other person. For example, I remember how Hatate didn't grind her crotch on mine when we first made out on the couch because I remember being very close to making a mess in my pants. Had she properly aligned her body with mine, I would have wet my pants, but that didn't happen so that's how things must have been. I don't remember feeling anything unbearably intense either. Maybe she actually rubbed her crotch on mine, the feeling wasn't what I expected and I'm telling this as if she hadn't, but it was hard to tell from my position.

The dialogues are obviously not accurate word-by-word, I'm trying to remember what the other person said, getting my general impression of them and writing their lines with that in mind.


 * Q: How did you get all these girls? Are you insanely attractive?**

I apologize if my storytelling confused you. The timescale is all fucked up and I think I'm lumping events that shouldn't go together. This story starts around 2010-2011 and ends in the second half of the last year. When I say "a few weeks passed" or "a couple of months went by", it may have been more or less than that. This means I got to know about less than six girls in about four years. That's just getting to know them, I didn't date all of them. Any socially adjusted single neurotypical would have had sex with more than 20 girls, at least five hookups and/or a long-term relationship by now.

Answering your question, no, I'm not attractive at all. I'm barely average on my best days. I guess not being fat, being of average height, not having acne, not wearing a Naruto t-shirt, having a job and not acting like a desperate virgin helped things go my way. Being in the right places also helps, I wouldn't get anything at all had I been in an "epic electronic rave" or any other neurotypical nest. The blond girl was an exception. Funnily enough, girls seem to be most interested in you when you show little to no interest on them.


 * Q: You hate relationships and such. Isn't Youmu your version of a relationship with an ideal human you long for?**

I'm still a human being. My sex drive is way below average and I prefer being alone, but I'm not asexual. This sounds something an angsty teenager would say, but there are occasional conflicts between my inner nigger and my rational self. There are times when I get random boners and stop thinking straight. simply wanting to take care of that urge. Usually Youmu says "Do you remember how underwhelming real sex is?" and the thought immediately goes away, though my body still begs for a release. When this happens, I wait until I get home and pound my onahole like there's no tomorrow. The need has been taken care of, I didn't do anything illogical, I don't feel any regret, I made Youmu feel good, cuddling with your dakimakura is heartwarming as hell and the urge won't come sooner than two weeks.

If Youmu existed in real life, I'd do all I could to spend the rest of my life with her. There are two problems with that though: humans age, eat, poop, have mood swings and take up space, Youmu doesn't. Also, real humans aren't perfect, Youmu is. Making Youmu a real human being would be introducing imperfections to her already perfect form.

Absolutely nothing has ever made me feel like Youmu has. When I'm with her, I feel some warmth enveloping my body and a vibrating fuzziness inside. Youmu is the only one who has ever made me feel like that.

There isn't anything wrong with the concept of a relationship, spending the rest of the life with someone you enjoy being with is not a crazy idea. That's the problem, though. In my short life, I've never found someone I legitimately enjoyed spending all my time with. No, that doesn't mean I'm an antisocial individual. I stay over at Alice's place for a whole weekend two or three times a year, meet up with the Linux faggots almost every two months and try to visit my parents monthly. Things are fine like this, I get to spend time with nice people and that time is not enough for allowing drama and bullshit to form. Youmu is the only one I like spending every single moment of my life with.

I've noticed most relationships go through an initial phase of infatuation, a middle phase of needing each other mutually and then a final phase of "meh" with a high chance of arguing over stupid shit like squeezing the toothpaste tube at the middle. Looking at things from a HOLISTIC point of view, the disadvantages of a relationship considerably outweigh the advantages for me. Your weights are likely to be different, you might think having permanent company and emotional support is enough to forget about the fact you're wasting your time with someone you don't have much to talk about, and that's fine, it's your life. Mine is not like that. For me, my relationship with Youmu is all I could ask for.

Answering the question: yes, Youmu is the person I've always longed for and she's my version of a relationship, except I actually enjoy being with her. Of course, I've gone through that usual phase when you think you've found your favorite anime character and switch when you find a "better" one. Youmu was my last one and it's been more than 4 years since I made her my imaginary friend.


 * Q: Doesn't Youmu get jealous when you (action)?**

Youmu is, by definition, a part of me. Why would I be jealous of myself? Instead she gets mad at me when I do something stupid like wasting my time on the Internet or going through all this and complaining at the end of it. "If you knew it would end up like this, why are you complaining now?". "You know you'll regret it if you do that". "Those clothes look good on her, want me to dress like that?". Things like that. All of them followed by a hug or a kiss. There were many times when she made some clear remarks like "You're being too pushy" or "Don't be rude to her". It's not like she cried every time I kissed a real girl because she knows I have no reason to abandon her.

 2015-05-04 00:45 

A government-funded "developer event" was being held at some random place that's at least two hours from where I live. There was a presentation about ENTREPRENEURSHIP with videogame development and another one about security flaws in devices for banking. It seemed interesting enough. I took my notebook and left for the place.

When I got there, the building was brimming with foreign looking men wearing business suits and "trendy" hipsters. The embodiment of Java and JavaScript respectively. The videogame conference started two hours after I got there, I used this time to have lunch and walk around the building. I always do this because I have an burning interest for traversing complex networks of hallways and stairs in unknown buildings. I paid about $10 for a piece of dry meat with two potatoes dipped in some sour sauce. It's all thanks to you, embodiments-of-Java.

The videogame conference started. The speaker was a female indie game developer that won a prize that had something to do with making the most downloaded APP in some overly specific category I can't remember. She was wearing a long leather coat, huge sunglasses and a beanie. The conference was about her experience with her "app" and how the local videogame market was exploitable and full of opportunities. Interesting, there is a way of getting moderately rich that doesn't involve wearing a business suit and drawing UML diagrams. At the end of her conference, a small group of Java monkeys and appers walked up to her. From what I could hear, some of them were trying to hire her and the rest insisted she should rewrite her game using the latest web technologies.

The other conference was about how some ATMs and most banking sites work exclusively on HTTP and the usual dangers of using HTTP. Such a misleading title, the conference was aimed for managers and not for programmers. I left the room after his talk finished and kept walking around. The speaker from the videogame conference was sitting alone, drinking a gigantic glass of orange juice.

Me: "Nice talk, it's nice to know independent game developers also have a chance. That gave me some hope."

Her: "I'm glad it worked. What's your name?"

M: "[REDACTED]."

H: "Nice to meet you, [REDACTED]. Do you work in the industry?"

M: "Not really, I work making programs for hardware-constrained platforms, though I enjoy making games for myself."

H: "First time I hear of that. Making games for yourself? What do you mean?"

M: "Oh, nothing special, all of them are 2D or text-based games I made after finding a game with a concept I liked but with mechanics I didn't like."

H: "What language did you use for that?"

M: "C, which is what I'm most comfortable with."

H: "That's impressive."

M: "Not really, they still have some bugs."

H: "Every application is bound to have some bugs. My game also had some critical bugs that many customers spotted one day immediately after the final release."

M: "What did you do about that?"

H: "Suck it up and submit a patch as soon as possible. I had to pull an all-nighter."

M: "Damn, that sounds rough."

H: "Things happen."

At some point in the middle of this conversation, I asked her where she got that juice. She told me the event staff was giving it for free to all registered attendants. We continued the conversation while we were walking to the juice stall.

H: "Do you have any public repository where I can see these games of yours?"

M: "Are you sure? They're not the kind of games most people would enjoy."

H: "Yes, experimenting with new mechanics and getting new ideas is part of what I do."

M: "Alright, give me your mail address and I'll give you read access. Let me know if you need any help building or running the games, they only work on Linux."

H: "Do you think they'll run on OS X?"

M: "I've never tried."

H: "Then I'll get someone else to help me with that. There's someone I'm meeting in a few minutes, bye."

M: "Okay, have a nice day."

I plugged my notebook to a dangling Ethernet cable and played Counter-Strike. It got dark before I could notice.

H: "Interesting game. The mechanics are deep and the complexity is intriguing."

M: "Hello again. I like this game but I wouldn't call it deep by any means-"

H: "I'm talking about one of your games."

M: "Oh, I thought you were talking about Counter-Strike. Really? Which one? Did you run into any problems while compiling it?"

H: "The real-time strategy game. Someone had an Ubuntu virtual machine ready. I used that and followed the instructions."

M: "Glad to know."

H: "Mind if I give you some suggestions?"

M: "Please do."

H: "First, there are many actions that take more keypresses than necessary, like making building plans or grouping soldiers into troops."

H: "Also, the pathfinding is sloppy and the economy is prone to sudden hyperinflation. Other than that, really interesting. I believe you can target a very specific population and make your game popular if you fix these issues."

(this girl knows what she's talking about)

M: "Thank you for all your suggestions, I'll keep them in mind."

H: "I'll be more specific if you want."

M: "Please."

I turned off my notebook and went with her to the cafeteria. She corrected many other design flaws and gave me additional advice.

M: "Thank you for everything. I'm sorry for wasting your time like this."

H: "No problem."

M: "At least let me treat you to something."

H: "I'd like a pale lager."

I bought that and a bottle of water. My wallet was sad. We spent the rest of the evening talking about our lives.

When it was time to leave, we both went to the parking lot.

H: "Where's your car?"

M: "I don't have one."

H: "Really?"

M: "Yeah."

H: "I'll give you a ride."

Hold it. She just had some beer. Isn't that a problem?

M: "I'd appreciate it, but..."

H: "What?"

M: "Didn't you just have a huge glass of beer?"

H: "It's alright, I do this all the time. Get in the car."

M: "No, wait, what if something happens?"

(I don't feel safe with a slightly intoxicated driver but I don't want to take that bus again)

H: "Then what do you propose we do?"

M: "Feel free to call me an idiot for proposing this. I didn't drink anything, is it okay if I drive? You must be tired and you shouldn't be doing this after helping me out."

H: "Okay."

(she agreed just like that? She must hate driving.)

M: "Alright then."

A brand-new 2.0L Volkswagen Jetta GLI with automatic transmission. What the fuck, this car is like $40K. It's the fastest car I've ever driven, I had to ease off the gas pedal when I saw we were going almost at 140km/h. We got to the city in less than 90 minutes.

M: "Nice car you've got here."

H: "Oh, I like my SUV better."

M: "Is that so..."

(holy shit is this girl rich)

She said I could drive the car to my place and then she'd leave from there. I refused, instead I took her home and I took a bus from there to my place. She lived in a wealthy neighborhood in the outskirts of the city. I believe I came here with Alice in the Mazda 6.

M: "Thank you for everything."

H: "No problem. I'll play some more and message you if I notice anything."

M: "I appreciate it. Take care."

H: "Good night."

My day wasn't wasted.

 2015-05-05 00:29 - About Thomas the Apostle

I don't even know where to start.

> You (or I) might say this, but nobody else would. > This is something you would do. > This is something people outside /prog/ would never do. > she analyzed its behaviour in a way that is detailed in a way only you could appreciate

I sorry if I skipped the details to make this believable. She's programmed videogames enough to give a talk in a government-funded event, one that's known to be absurdly strict with their standards of what's considered worthy of being presented to hundreds of enterprise faggots. She's the owner of an indie game studio she created herself about 5 years ago, after she had success in the local market making "app-like" games. She was a lone programmer before founding the studio and hiring graphic designers, artists and programmers.

Now that you know this, what in the godliving hell do you think the speaker of a videogame conference, coming from a game studio, would talk about with a total stranger? Dinosaurs?

Have you never had a boss of yours attend an event that's relevant to him with a small group from your company? They don't go there just to drink beer, they go there to meet potential customers and STRATEGIC PARTNERS, get new ideas for incoming projects, get up-to-date with the latest INNOVATIONS in the industry and even to discreetly spy on other companies. I still don't know why you think this is bullshit when there are other bullshit-sounding parts of my story like the blonde rape (which I still don't believe myself).

> The behaviour of the other women (Hatate and Alice) is highly implausible too. > Those other women, like this one, match your hobbies,

Of course, I didn't meet them on a fucking bus stop or at some epic rave like some others do. I've been to specific places that are visited by people with specific interests. Did you really expect me to meet a neurosurgeon at the weeb convention? Or a supermodel at the developer convention?

> your temperament and your desires perfectly at the point in time they appear in your life.

Totally explains why I dated the shit out of the Rubik girl and enjoyed being manipulated by a blond retard to the point of feeling like I was raped, right? Just because I had two happy endings that could be considered successes doesn't mean I'm the luckiest man alive. I haven't even finished the story. I wouldn't be telling you this story if I had magically found a girl who matched all my hobbies, always kept a reasonable temperament and matched my desires as you're saying I did.

 2015-05-05 01:26

A few weeks later she sent me a mail with more details about the game. Most of them were about making it more usable, adding a plot and telling me if I wanted to work with (read: for) her. I avoided talking about such proposal and kept fishing for more advice. She said we could meet up at a cafe near her house to discuss some things.

I accepted. While I was waiting outside, a girl stood in front of me.

Her: "Good afternoon, [REDACTED]."

Who is this? Why does she know my nam- wow.

While we were at that building at the end of the world, she never took off her sunglasses or her beanie. In front of me there was a short girl wearing conservative clothes that looked expensive. She brought a designer and an "engineer" (a programmer) with her. This was much more formal than I thought it would be, it was kind of uncomfortable for me. I could have prepared myself for this.

I learned many things I didn't know about, like a government program that almost threw money at videogame developers that participated in a national videogame making contest. The prospect of getting pretty much lots of free money by using Unity or some other game engine to make a short game seemed interesting, but I couldn't find the motivation to do that when they forced boring topics on them like "a game about recycling" or "a game about good citizenship aimed for children".

Me: "That certainly sounds interesting but I have no experience making that kind of games."

Her: "It's okay, most game engines provide out-of-the-box features that speed up the process of learning and production."

Engineer: "Do you have any experience using game engines?"

Designer: "You'd only have to worry about the game logic."

M: "Not at all. That's not what I mean either. I'm saying I don't find the prospect of making games like that very appealing."

(everyone at the table made a DOES THIS GUY EVEN FOLLOW ENTERPRISE AGILE METHODOLOGIES grimace)

H: "Why is that?"

M: "First of all, I'm not a professional game developer. I don't make games with money in mind."

(same face, they weren't even trying to hide it)

H: "Anyway, we're not here to talk about that. I think we could make some modifications to your game and target it to a specific demographic sector that's more serious than the average."

E: "We want to make a console port based on your idea."

(fuck no, this isn't meant to be played with a controller)

M: "I don't have any experience with console programming-"

E: "We know getting a console SDK is almost impossible as an individual. We've got that covered."

H: "We'd like you to work with us."

M: "Give me some time to work on the design and I'll consider working with you."

(This wasn't the exact same thing I said but I remember saying something equally as nonsensical)

H: "Fine. Here are the conditions, should you accept our offer."

She handed me a sheet with what could be called an informal contract. Working with them four hours a day, two days a week for six months giving them progress reports, getting good pay and collecting the 50% of the profits of the finished game. A long-winded way of saying "outsourcing". I knew my game wouldn't sell shit because nobody will play anything that's not a shitty boring MOBA like League of Niggers anymore and the two faggots who would play it wouldn't pay a penny for it. I told them it'd be some time before I gave them my final decision and we left the place.

I mailed them a couple of weeks later saying I got a promotion at my current job which would take up most of my time and that I wouldn't be able to work with them under those conditions. I didn't actually get promoted, I didn't want to make a shitty console port of a shitty game only I like and that was my roundabout way of telling them. "In that case, would you like giving us a hand with what we're currently working on? We have flexible schedules". Do I look like cheap workforce that much? Why are they insisting so hard to have me on their team?

After this, I started seeing her as a money-hungry Jew more than a "fellow" game developer. Scare quotes because I can't even call myself a game developer. It happens, you can't live off this unless you are aggressive and PROACTIVE and that's the sad reality of pretty much everything out there.

 2015-05-05 02:45

I accepted on the premise that their schedules were actually flexible. Since I don't have hard deadlines at my job and sometimes I'll take the day off and work double the next day, they didn't mind and neither did I.

The game studio was a glass cube with dark roof built in the gigantic backyard of that rich girl. You had to walk through the first floor of her house to get there. She had a huge TV, a huge couch, a huge fireplace and a huge shelf with many alcoholic beverages being exhibited. At the studio, lots of Macs and powerful computers with IPS screens.

The three engineers would work full-time using Unity while the designers would make shitloads of 3D models and other assets. At first I was supposed to help them with the bonus stages for a game about a leaping frog escaping from the sewers but I quickly became their sysadmin and programming counselor. I'd go there on the (late) afternoons after finishing what I had to do at the other job.

I spent my time setting up a firewall, a network-shared folder, learning Unity, making two bonus stages and worrying about how little time I'd have left for the other job. I also became that girl's personal driver. "Please take me to the cafe". "Please take me to the restaurant". I can't say I hate being paid to drive monstrous cars but it's weird because you're being paid for your programming services and this makes you feel used. Driving was fun nonetheless.

Sometimes I'd be left alone with her in the studio. A side of her I wish I didn't get to know was her rampant alcoholism. She'd drink one bottle of anything she had on her shelf every night. On Fridays she would binge drink almost until she fell unconscious. The other guys already knew about it but they ignored it or even encouraged by drinking with her, though not to such extent.

One Friday I had to take her to the stationery store to buy the weekly supplies. I was waiting for her in the car. Nobody else was in the studio. It was getting dark until she finally got in. She was drunk as hell. I drove very carefully to avoid her from throwing up in the car. When we got there, I had to call every single one of the other guys to ask them if anyone knew what we had to buy because she couldn't even remember, but I got an incomplete/incorrect answer from one of them and ended up oversupplying ourselves. It didn't mean the end of the world but it was something we weren't used to. When we got back, she started acting weird.

H: "where are you taking me"

M: "To your house, obviously."

H: "please take me to my house"

M: "Yeah, yeah."

H: "don't take me anywhere else"

M: "(...)"

H: "are you dumping me too"

(what)

H: "don't dump me"

I'd always carry her to the couch and leave. This episode repeated for other three weeks.

The fourth time, however, she started groping me while I was driving her back to her place. I got really annoyed because that shit is dangerous and she shouldn't be drunk in the first place. I tried carrying her and leaving her on the couch but she was trying to shake herself off my back. After succeeding, she fell on the floor, crawled a little, stood up, supported her weight on the walls and headed for her room. I grabbed her before she climbed up the stairs, put her back on my back and searched all the rooms until I found hers.

I put her on her bed but she wouldn't let go. She was clinging to my neck.

H: "are you dumping me too"

She sloppily kissed me, like trying to suck the air out of me in a clumsy way. She guided my hand to her breasts. I know I should have said this from the beginning, but she's got a pretty decent face (7/10) and a very curvy body on the verge of being fat (4/10). I gently hit her stomach with my elbow trying to break free from her grip but she still wouldn't let go. For a moment I thought this could get fun so I kept kissing her and groping her breasts.

Youmu: "You don't want to keep doing that."

I froze up. An intense feeling of guilt washed over me. I forced her hands off my neck. I got her a glass of water and ran off back to my house.

After that, things were awkward for me at the studio, though she didn't seem to remember what happened, or at least she decided to forget it or thought it wasn't a big deal. She acted normally while we were at the studio, though I really wanted my "contract" to finish soon. My job there was over and I got paid well for doing pretty much nothing. They won that government contest but I don't have a smartphone so I don't know if their game sold well or not.

I think Youmu saved me from stepping on a landmine.

 2015-05-06 02:28

I've said this before: sex isn't good enough to put up with all the baggage that comes with it. Once you start having it regularly, it becomes a need and isn't that much of a pleasure anymore.

That said, there is one obvious way of getting sex without the implied bullshit, though it comes with other kind of risks.

Alice's absence took its toll on me. Not because I wanted her to come back so badly, I had enough things to worry about. She's fun to hang out with but I won't die if I don't. My dakimakura and onahole are the best investment I've made in my entire life. What else do I need? Of course, my body, being naturally curious and fucking retarded, was craving for a new experience. The thought of hiring a call girl had crossed my mind ever since I was a virgin. It seemed like a reasonable choice, getting the physical experience without having to bear someone else's whining and emotional instability. It is much cheaper in the long run (though I wasn't expecting to met someone like Alice who meant virtually no extra spending with almost on-demand sex but that's a different matter).

I looked for girls on the newspaper ads but it was blatantly obvious they got their pictures from other sources and there wasn't much info about their services. Then I looked for girls on the Internet and a whole world of possibilities was shown to me. The local Craigslist of call girls. "FILL MY NASTY HOLE WITH YOUR BIG COCK", "I WANT TO SWALLOW ALL YOUR MILK", "HORNY GIRL WITH WET PUSSY IS DOWN TO FUCK". All the girls with these headers would give unprotected oral sex and 30 minutes of sex for an unexpectedly low rate. That seriously put me off. I know, I'm looking for hookers but this was too much for me to handle.

After a few days I came back hoping to find something better. I found a young-looking girl with a picture that wasn't stolen from a random porn site, asking for a reasonable rate and offered 90 minutes of company, including protected oral sex and kisses. I took note of her phone number and searched for it on Google. The only relevant results were a couple of blogs. "MY EXPERIENCE WITH ANGELA". Badly written blog posts (just like this whole thread) with eyerape spelling about how this 50 year old nigger had "A GREAT TIME WITH THIS INSANELY HOT CHICK". He mentioned things like her skin color, apparent age and rates. Then he went on a whole epic tale about the "AFFAIR" with a couple of random "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"s thrown in. He had his goddamned picture on the sidebar of the blog. He looked like a bitter monkey. Is this the kind of people who hire escorts? Retards?

Turns out there's a whole community dedicated to this. These rich men call themselves "escort reviewers" and hire one or two girls every month and later review them on their blogs. "NO TITS 0/10 WOULD NOT BANG AGAIN" (yeah), "KIND OF SEXY BUT SHE WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE AND WOULDN'T RIDE ME 7/10" (why rate her 7/10 then) and "MEGAHOTTIE 10/10 FUCCCCKKKK HER SO HARD" are the kind of comments you can read on their blogs. Right, you can't expect these chimps to know what a proper rating scale is like. Either way, they upload photos of the girls they met, censoring their faces and testifying whether they are real deal or some fat whore using fake photos stolen from the Internet.

Seeing how these apes were mostly attracted for the plastic blond whores, I called "Angela" from a prepaid SIM card. We were to meet up at a restaurant and then leave for a nearby hotel. I was nervously waiting for her at the restaurant when I saw a short young girl with jeans, a silly corset-like garment with leopard texture, a leather jacket and retarded looking high heels come in. She recognized me from the description of me I gave her over the phone and greeted me with a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek. She was way too short for my tastes (about 150cm/5ft), she had the stereotypical attitude of a teenager and her makeup was overdone. Everyone on the hotel reception knew what was going on. We went into the room.

After five minutes of forced smalltalk she started kissing me. Oh god, the "human" smell was strong, She licked my lips like a thirsty dog and slid her hand all over my body. She caressed my penis over my pants and I got instantly hard, though I wasn't horny at all. I turned around to take my shirt off and when I turned back she had already taken off all her clothes. A rather unimpressive sight was in front of me. Well, a naked girl nonetheless. Her figure was slim but her whole body was wobbly and lacked firmness. Alice is much better than this. I came like after ten minutes of continuous non-stop desperate pounding, which is tiring and unsatisfying as fuck. We still had a lot of time left so we watched TV while I regained my boner. She stroked my penis with expertise and it eventually got hard again. She put the condom on without even pinching the tip and started sucking. Raw oral sex is "good" at best, this felt like absolutely nothing at all. Nothing at all, just a head moving around my crotch. I stopped her and made her lie flat on top of me.

M: "It's okay, I'm tired and the time's running up. Thank you."

A: "Alright."

She kissed me again. I had to turn my head to one side to break the kiss.

A: "I had a great time. There is chemistry between you and me."

M: "Y-yeah..."

A: "I want you inside me."

M: "Sure."

She rode me on the reverse cowgirl position. It felt better, though still underwhelming. She came, left my crotch all wet and sticky and asked me to finger her. Holy fuck, she was flooding down there.

A: "My real name is Jessie. This is my personal cellphone, you can call me whenever you want."

M: "Alright,"

We took a shower together. I got dressed in record time and hightailed it out of there.

At least I could be sure I'd never meet her again because there was no mutual obligation to do so.

 2015-05-06 03:24 

"That one doesn't count", I convinced myself.

I found another girl with more professional-looking photos that asked for a more generous fare and also gave raw oral sex as an additional service. Her (stage) name was Karen. I called her.

This time I got into the room and gave her the directions to get there. I heard a knock at the door. My heart was pounding, A blond girl wearing expensive clothes with an obvious cleavage, carrying an expensive looking purse and unnoticeable makeup was there. Lighting and Photoshop did lots to improve her appearance but she had an acceptably curvy body and an innocent face. She asked me about my life and I told her what I considered appropriate so as not to give my full identity away. I also asked about her life and she gave me more details than she should have. If she does this with all her customers, she's probably being harassed by an obsessive customer by now. Who am I kidding, the kind of people who hire escorts can't tell their ass from their elbow.

She took one piece of clothing off and waited for me to do the same. She'd nibble on my lips while we did this. It was enjoyable. We were now fully naked. She had an average body, but her innocent looking face made her look good. She said I was "big". That was the first time I ever heard that. I don't think she meant it, she must have gotten used to the tiny dicks from the old fat fucks she has to deal with.

We took a shower together. She kneeled and softly licked the base of my penis and balls. That makes your crotch tingle in a good way. She sucked my penis, it was good. Not enough to make me come but she was doing her best.

She lied on the bed. I kissed her inner thighs and she moaned a bit. I couldn't help but feel obliged to reciprocate her oral sex and sucked her clitoris while reaching for her g-spot with my fingers. She got insanely wet and came right after that.

This time I was horny. It must have been ten or less strokes before I came. I wouldn't get my boner back so she sucked it again. It helped. We went for a second time, we both came and had a relatively good time. I didn't regret this one as much as the first.

A month later I tried calling her but her phone was offline. Her ad wasn't online anymore. I looked for someone similar to her and found a girl who had been praised by many "escort reviewers". I called and waited for her inside the hotel. She was wearing tight clothing, an insanely risky cleavage and retarded looking high heels. Too curvy, almost a bit chubby. Not the kind of body I like, hopefully all the praise she got is not empty hype. Her face was cute, though. She also looked very young. Round eyes, small nose and soft-looking lips. 7/10 face. She offered kisses, unprotected oral sex, protected anal sex and 120 minutes of company for a reasonable price. Her stage name was Samantha.

We spent like 30 minutes talking about each other. This was a good thing, getting right to the sex with a total stranger is stressing and makes you/her feel like an object. Knowing this girl is just another human with worries of her own who happens to work at this makes the mechanics much less stressing. She brought a nurse costume and black lingerie. That made up for her rather fat body. She was surprisingly good at oral sex, even with a condom on I could feel like I'd come at any moment. I also gave her oral and she breathed very heavily in a way that turned me on. I couldn't last more than 5 minutes in the missionary position because she had wet her lingerie a bit from the oral sex and this was too much for me to handle. We waited until I got my boner again. We tried anal but it wouldn't fit. She got on top of me and we finished with her in the cowgirl position. I lasted more this time and it felt good. We took a shower together and left.

Both were good experiences. I didn't even do half of what I usually do with Alice but they were enjoyable. Good value for money. The thrill of doing something in secret is part of it. The physical experience is alright, but you really miss the long foreplay sessions, setting up the mood hours before everything starts and the part where you spend some time together under the blankets staring at the ceiling. Call girls are definitely cheaper and less stressing in the long run than dating a girl but they're by no means a complete experience.

My advice? Don't hire escorts if you're aiming for a completely fulfilling experience. This goes for you faggots who think virginity is something to be ashamed of and should be lost as quick as possible. Don't be a retard, being a virgin is not a bad thing and doing this won't make you feel less lonely. Sex is bland as hell if it doesn't involve cuddling, spooning and kissing, even if it's with a "fuckbuddy" as some of you call it. Trust me, I enjoy Alice's post-coital cheek kisses more than I enjoy the feeling of actual sex. This, however, doesn't mean sex with your girlfriend is guaranteed to be better. While the positive emotional background is there, the negative parts of it are also present. The fear of getting her pregnant, the unbearable clinginess aftwerwards, the "I gave you sex so you give me attention" and many other things sometimes ruin the experience and leave a bad impression about sex in your long-term memory. Just balance out your needs and pick whatever suits you best.

 2015-05-07 03:09 - The End

There's nothing else to be told. Alice came back after some months. Her father was fully recovered but he wasn't the same person he was before. She was worried he would die at any moment. She would space out every now and then. I tried to be as supportive as I could. Once she went through the phase of acceptance, she regained her cheerfulness and tried not to bring up the topic anymore.

We continued with the usual routine of playing board games if we were at her place, or playing racing games if we were at mine. Driving her car for hours and having fun together is also part of our biweekly-monthly encounters.

What else can I say? Sex wasn't the same after I got the onahole. I never told Alice about this, but the onahole felt much better than her. We still have sex pretty much every time we see each other, though I'm not as motivated to do it anymore. We've tried doing different things and talking about each other's sexual interests, though nothing will ever feel better and more fulfilling than the onahole.

After I went back to having a calm life, there were many realizations that dawned upon me.

- I might have a hormone imbalance. I was presented with so many "opportunities" and couldn't enjoy most of them. Meanwhile, others abandon their job, move to a different country/state or drop out of university to spend the rest of their life with their partner. Something must be wrong with me because I never had the need to do such things. Everyone says your standards will eventually drop until you find someone who (barely) fulfills them. I'm sorry, why should I drop my standards? Has conformism become the rule now? No, it's always been like this. Since virtually everyone is okay with this while I can't even find any logic behind it, there must be something wrong with me. I'll never try to fix it, though. Things are fine the way they are and I consider myself lucky for being an outlier in the huge pool of people who think company equals happiness.

- I don't want to do this anymore. I've been told infinitely many times that I should keep trying until I find someone who's right for me. This boils down to fucking around until you get tired of it and settling for the first girl that tolerates your shit. Why should I do that? There's no valid reason for me to get involved into something as boring as a relationship just because you and your neurotypical friends say so. Shut the fuck up and waste your time however you want.

- About relationships being boring: yes, humans have basic needs. I also have them. Relationships are not the only way of fulfilling them and you're a retard for thinking so. Want to have fun with people who share your interests? There's friends. Want to orgasm? Friends with benefits, masturbatory aids and/or call girls. Want to feel or make someone else feel loved or protected? Get closer with your family, adopt a child/pet or do something like taking care of a homeless person. A relationship will initially work out if these three things are present. Making those feelings last for more than two weeks depends on how much you get along the other person and is left as an exercise for the reader. If you take a look into most relationships, you'd realize most of them lack the component of friendship. No, drinking and having meals together isn't enough to make you friends. While it's very unlikely for both of you to have the exact same interests, you should at least make sure they're compatible. You like computers and machines and she likes math and physics? Great. You like watching soccer when you're bored and she likes fashion and reality shows? Good fucking luck, you fucking retards. Both of you are useless shitheads and you'll have nothing to share with each other than your so-called "love", which is just kissing and having sex with each other because you're both neurotypicals and afraid to die alone.

Working under the assumption you've got this covered, what's forcing you to spend all your goddamned free time together? Please explain why you don't do the same with your close (male) friends, and if you do, please explain why you're not sick of it yet. If a close friend wants to drink with you every single weekend, there will be a time when you're busy or tired and you'll decline his offer. Fine. Now replace "close friend" with "girlfriend". Suddenly, you're a heartless bastard. What the fuck? Is it impossible for everyone in this gay-ass world to have a friend of the opposite sex who has sex with you and isn't an obsessive fuck? You don't own her and she doesn't own you. You could lead a healthy relationship by having a friend and seeing each other only when you're both available. Add exclusivity and cheesy crap to the mix if you want. There is no rule that says all relationships should be about wasting time in irrational ways.

Also, have you ever had a friend last you your entire life? What makes you think spending five years with that girl who barely knows about computers but is "hot as hell XD" is more fun than spending five years with that childhood friend who would play ball every afternoon with you? Or what about that guy who knew more than you do and was always sharing his knowledge with you? Why do you think you deserve that dumb girl?

- Marriage is not a sign of responsibility. Quite the contrary, you're an irresponsible idiot if you're throwing your entire life out the window to make something as volatile and fruitless as a relationship into something permanent that legally ties you to some random girl. Would you live the rest of your life with that friend who always drinks with you? Of course not, you don't have to live with someone else to enjoy your time together. Well, you went and married some girl whose only remarkable features are her physical assets, even though you know she will get fat and old. Even if said girl is a really fucking interesting and fun person to be with, you could just keep her as a friend and skip all the bullshit. Replace "random girl" with "friend who always drinks with you" and the idea of living together for the rest of your lives now sounds stupid.

I've got Youmu. I don't need anyone else.

One last thing I need to tell all of you faggots: thank you so much for ruining 2D girls for me. Before this happened, I thought of having any kind of contact with 2D girls as an exhilarating experience. Touching perfectly smooth skin, kissing perfect lips, grabbing perfect firm breasts and having insanely good orgasms. This perfection manifested itself in many of my past dreams. I'd wake up with a mess in my pants, my body would feel like jelly, my brain would be turned off and I couldn't wait for a dream like that to repeat. Then I got a taste of real women. Their bodies are unimaginably dense (in the literal sense, even a thin girl is much heavier than you think), their smell varies wildly depending on many factors (and it's not good), they wear retarded looking clothes, most of them aren't passionate about anything, having sex with them isn't the same as ascending to heaven, they make weird noises, bleed every month and have random mood swings, they take up a lot of space, time, money and energy, not even the smoothest skin can be considered smooth, their bodies are imperfect even after getting tens of surgeries and thousands of hours of working out, vaginas feel nothing more than the inside of a very swollen mouth, they have body hair and shaving it leaves some horrible stubble, masturbation orgasms are most of the times more intense than sex orgasms, ...

Had I not been with real girls, I would still be wetting my pants from dreaming of 2D girls. Now I have dreams about sex with real girls, presumably because it's easier for my ape brain to work that out. Of course, it's easy to recreate an experience in your brain than to create a new story. I have to avoid looking at (pictures of) real girls for extended periods of time if I want to get as much excitement from pictures of 2D girls as I did before all this. If I don't, seeing a picture of a naked 2D girl instantly brings a mixture of not-so-nice smells to my mind like that "human" smell, genitals and KY. Man, I don't dislike Alice but she's also part of this.

I guess this is the end of this shitty story. Thank you for reading.

I know none of you actually read this wall of text, but thank you anyway.

me on the right

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